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Thread: Not sure what's going on with DB...

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    #1

    Not sure what's going on with DB...

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    Sorry in advance, this will probably end up fairly long...

    DB's been acting weird for a couple weeks..he found out he's leaving sometime this summer for a training mission, and then possibly deployment from there. His coworker is constantly telling him how he went on deployment and when he came back his wife had taken all his money and took off. And ever since then everything has just gone south.

    He begged me to come down this past weekend so we could celebrate Valentine's Day/my birthday. On Valentine's Day, he threw such a fit because I was a bit upset at him for not even wishing me a happy valentine's day, when in the past he's made a huge deal about it. So we weren't on very good terms....last Wednesday he finally apologized, and my flight down was the next day. The weekend went fairly well...we had an issue with him wanting to stay in and never go do anything when he had previously made all of these plans for us, but whatever. (and btw, we never did celebrate V-Day or my birthday)
    What bothers me is some of the things he says. Like, we were at his buddies Thursday night and he was saying how dumb young kids were for getting married. This 18 year old he works with is and apparently DB told him he's an idiot and the guy was like well I love her and DB said "yeah but in 5 years you won't" which makes me feel like...okay so you think in two or three years you won't love me?
    (By the way, he's 20, and I'm turning 20 in a few days.)
    And he's always saying stuff like that since he got down there. My friend is getting married because her DB wanted to marry her before he deploys, and he's like oh yeah that's great marry her so she can take all of your money while you're gone.
    When before all of this, he was always like oh I want to get married young and have kids young because both of our parents waited til they were older to have us and I want us to be able to spend a lot of time with our kids and be able to run around and play soccer with them.
    The night before I left he was on the phone with his dad saying how he wanted to go to the Art Institute after his 5 years were up. Which he had mentioned before, and I assumed he meant Boston because that was a plan of ours in the past. But no, Salt Lake City. Which he had never mentioned to me. Which is another thing that makes me feel like, does he even see a future for us?!

    So, I sort of made a mistake when I left Monday. We were in the airport saying goodbye and he said "I'll see you in....July?" And I mumbled something along the lines of if we're even still together... but he heard it and was like wow honey way to be hopeful.
    But he makes me feel like us being together is up in the air. I explained it as this is our longest time we'll be apart aside from when he was in Basic/AIT, because we went like 5 or 6 months apart then. But since October we've seen each other every month. And I know I can handle it, but he's always been anti-long distance. And he was like oh wait until I get deployed. But again, I have no doubt that I could handle it, and I told him that.
    But ever since, he's barely talked to me. I ended up having to spend Monday night in Detroit because my flight was canceled. And I was upset that he didn't seem to care whether or not I got to my hotel alright or my flights landed okay....and he was upset that I was "complaining about him". But he hasn't called me since I left. I asked him Tuesday night when I finally got home why he hasn't even told me he loved me since I left and he was like "love you goodnight." But everyday it seems like he's trying to push me away.

    I don't know if this is because of what I said, if he's worried about leaving...I just don't know what to do.
    In the past whenever he's tried to push me away I fought back. But this time I'm not. I'm sick of playing games. Yesterday I tried to make a joke about it and said okay babe I love you stop trying to push me away. But he didn't respond to it. So I haven't gone out of my way to tell him I love him and miss him because he isn't going out of his way to tell me either. I think he's doing all of this because he wants to make me fight for him but I don't want him to think he has all of the control here. He should know by now that if/when he does get deployed, I'll stay faithful and be here for him. And if we got married, I wouldn't use all of his money or whatever. He should know that. I barely ever ask him to buy anything, I never have. I tried to call him a couple of times the other night after he said since I didn't have time to text him he didn't have time to call me, but after he ignored the calls I haven't gone out of my way to talk to him since.

    Am I doing the right thing here? I have no idea how to handle this. I really think the issue here is that he's worried about leaving and is trying to make me prove that I'll fight for him....but I'm sick of playing these games.
    And I know the obvious answer here is to talk to him about it, but talking to him about things never does any good unless he's in the mood he gets in once in awhile where he talks to me about absolutely everything. And when that happens I do plan to talk to him about it and ask if he even sees a future for us anymore. If I try to talk to him about it before then he'll just get sarcastic and upset that I'm questioning him, and the answers I get probably won't really be how he feels.

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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by stronger27 View Post
    Sorry in advance, this will probably end up fairly long...

    DB's been acting weird for a couple weeks..he found out he's leaving sometime this summer for a training mission, and then possibly deployment from there. His coworker is constantly telling him how he went on deployment and when he came back his wife had taken all his money and took off. And ever since then everything has just gone south.

    He begged me to come down this past weekend so we could celebrate Valentine's Day/my birthday. On Valentine's Day, he threw such a fit because I was a bit upset at him for not even wishing me a happy valentine's day, when in the past he's made a huge deal about it. So we weren't on very good terms....last Wednesday he finally apologized, and my flight down was the next day. The weekend went fairly well...we had an issue with him wanting to stay in and never go do anything when he had previously made all of these plans for us, but whatever. (and btw, we never did celebrate V-Day or my birthday)
    What bothers me is some of the things he says. Like, we were at his buddies Thursday night and he was saying how dumb young kids were for getting married. This 18 year old he works with is and apparently DB told him he's an idiot and the guy was like well I love her and DB said "yeah but in 5 years you won't" which makes me feel like...okay so you think in two or three years you won't love me?
    (By the way, he's 20, and I'm turning 20 in a few days.)
    And he's always saying stuff like that since he got down there. My friend is getting married because her DB wanted to marry her before he deploys, and he's like oh yeah that's great marry her so she can take all of your money while you're gone.
    When before all of this, he was always like oh I want to get married young and have kids young because both of our parents waited til they were older to have us and I want us to be able to spend a lot of time with our kids and be able to run around and play soccer with them.
    The night before I left he was on the phone with his dad saying how he wanted to go to the Art Institute after his 5 years were up. Which he had mentioned before, and I assumed he meant Boston because that was a plan of ours in the past. But no, Salt Lake City. Which he had never mentioned to me. Which is another thing that makes me feel like, does he even see a future for us?!

    So, I sort of made a mistake when I left Monday. We were in the airport saying goodbye and he said "I'll see you in....July?" And I mumbled something along the lines of if we're even still together... but he heard it and was like wow honey way to be hopeful.
    But he makes me feel like us being together is up in the air. I explained it as this is our longest time we'll be apart aside from when he was in Basic/AIT, because we went like 5 or 6 months apart then. But since October we've seen each other every month. And I know I can handle it, but he's always been anti-long distance. And he was like oh wait until I get deployed. But again, I have no doubt that I could handle it, and I told him that.
    But ever since, he's barely talked to me. I ended up having to spend Monday night in Detroit because my flight was canceled. And I was upset that he didn't seem to care whether or not I got to my hotel alright or my flights landed okay....and he was upset that I was "complaining about him". But he hasn't called me since I left. I asked him Tuesday night when I finally got home why he hasn't even told me he loved me since I left and he was like "love you goodnight." But everyday it seems like he's trying to push me away.

    I don't know if this is because of what I said, if he's worried about leaving...I just don't know what to do.
    In the past whenever he's tried to push me away I fought back. But this time I'm not. I'm sick of playing games. Yesterday I tried to make a joke about it and said okay babe I love you stop trying to push me away. But he didn't respond to it. So I haven't gone out of my way to tell him I love him and miss him because he isn't going out of his way to tell me either. I think he's doing all of this because he wants to make me fight for him but I don't want him to think he has all of the control here. He should know by now that if/when he does get deployed, I'll stay faithful and be here for him. And if we got married, I wouldn't use all of his money or whatever. He should know that. I barely ever ask him to buy anything, I never have. I tried to call him a couple of times the other night after he said since I didn't have time to text him he didn't have time to call me, but after he ignored the calls I haven't gone out of my way to talk to him since.

    Am I doing the right thing here? I have no idea how to handle this. I really think the issue here is that he's worried about leaving and is trying to make me prove that I'll fight for him....but I'm sick of playing these games.
    And I know the obvious answer here is to talk to him about it, but talking to him about things never does any good unless he's in the mood he gets in once in awhile where he talks to me about absolutely everything. And when that happens I do plan to talk to him about it and ask if he even sees a future for us anymore. If I try to talk to him about it before then he'll just get sarcastic and upset that I'm questioning him, and the answers I get probably won't really be how he feels.
    The bolded really concerns me, it's like he's not taking it seriously. I mean I get the whole pushing you away before the deployment but he's going way beyond that.
    So he has pushed you away before? What was the reason before? how long have y'all been together?
    I think some other PP's have better advice but I wanted to put that out there
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by marvies View Post
    The bolded really concerns me, it's like he's not taking it seriously. I mean I get the whole pushing you away before the deployment but he's going way beyond that.
    So he has pushed you away before? What was the reason before? how long have y'all been together?
    I think some other PP's have better advice but I wanted to put that out there
    Yeah, he's definitely pushed me away before. He gets in moods where he's just impossible to talk to. Honestly, he still has some growing up to do I think. He seems to think he needs all the reassurance in the world, but I need none.
    We started dating a little over three years ago, but we haven't constantly been together that whole time. We actually weren't "together" when he was in basic. He can be sort of possessive I guess....he needs to know that he can always talk to me whenever, so we broke up before he left because he didn't want to be worrying about me while he was there, he said he couldn't handle it. He wrote to me everyday though, and after he graduated I told him that if he wasn't ready for a relationship yet, I was done being his support system.
    We definitely haven't had an easy relationship..

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    #4
    I would say red flag for one. Its not unusual for couples to push each other away before a deployment or mission, but if he's not willing to talk to you, or is making comments that hurt your feelings or relationship, but isn't willing to talk about it, then that's an issue. I think if communication isn't there, then it makes it so love can't be there.

    I would tell him that you have some things you need to talk to him about, then just tell him that he needs to explain the comments and you need to know if you should wait for him. If he's not willing to make you feel strong in your relationship, then (IMO) you have no need to stay in it.

    lots and lots of though, I know this kind of breakdown can be really hard... especially with someone that you're close to. I would say try to get him to explain himself so you can see things through his shoes, but don't go in abrasivly or in any way that will make him go on the defence, cause trust me, that will only make things worse.

    best of luck hun, PM me if you every just need to vent
    A second chance at happiy ever after
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by stronger27 View Post
    Sorry in advance, this will probably end up fairly long...

    DB's been acting weird for a couple weeks..he found out he's leaving sometime this summer for a training mission, and then possibly deployment from there. His coworker is constantly telling him how he went on deployment and when he came back his wife had taken all his money and took off. And ever since then everything has just gone south.

    He begged me to come down this past weekend so we could celebrate Valentine's Day/my birthday. On Valentine's Day, he threw such a fit because I was a bit upset at him for not even wishing me a happy valentine's day, when in the past he's made a huge deal about it. So we weren't on very good terms....last Wednesday he finally apologized, and my flight down was the next day. The weekend went fairly well...we had an issue with him wanting to stay in and never go do anything when he had previously made all of these plans for us, but whatever. (and btw, we never did celebrate V-Day or my birthday)
    What bothers me is some of the things he says. Like, we were at his buddies Thursday night and he was saying how dumb young kids were for getting married. This 18 year old he works with is and apparently DB told him he's an idiot and the guy was like well I love her and DB said "yeah but in 5 years you won't" which makes me feel like...okay so you think in two or three years you won't love me?
    (By the way, he's 20, and I'm turning 20 in a few days.)
    And he's always saying stuff like that since he got down there. My friend is getting married because her DB wanted to marry her before he deploys, and he's like oh yeah that's great marry her so she can take all of your money while you're gone.
    When before all of this, he was always like oh I want to get married young and have kids young because both of our parents waited til they were older to have us and I want us to be able to spend a lot of time with our kids and be able to run around and play soccer with them.
    The night before I left he was on the phone with his dad saying how he wanted to go to the Art Institute after his 5 years were up. Which he had mentioned before, and I assumed he meant Boston because that was a plan of ours in the past. But no, Salt Lake City. Which he had never mentioned to me. Which is another thing that makes me feel like, does he even see a future for us?!

    So, I sort of made a mistake when I left Monday. We were in the airport saying goodbye and he said "I'll see you in....July?" And I mumbled something along the lines of if we're even still together... but he heard it and was like wow honey way to be hopeful.
    But he makes me feel like us being together is up in the air. I explained it as this is our longest time we'll be apart aside from when he was in Basic/AIT, because we went like 5 or 6 months apart then. But since October we've seen each other every month. And I know I can handle it, but he's always been anti-long distance. And he was like oh wait until I get deployed. But again, I have no doubt that I could handle it, and I told him that.
    But ever since, he's barely talked to me. I ended up having to spend Monday night in Detroit because my flight was canceled. And I was upset that he didn't seem to care whether or not I got to my hotel alright or my flights landed okay....and he was upset that I was "complaining about him". But he hasn't called me since I left. I asked him Tuesday night when I finally got home why he hasn't even told me he loved me since I left and he was like "love you goodnight." But everyday it seems like he's trying to push me away.

    I don't know if this is because of what I said, if he's worried about leaving...I just don't know what to do.
    In the past whenever he's tried to push me away I fought back. But this time I'm not. I'm sick of playing games. Yesterday I tried to make a joke about it and said okay babe I love you stop trying to push me away. But he didn't respond to it. So I haven't gone out of my way to tell him I love him and miss him because he isn't going out of his way to tell me either. I think he's doing all of this because he wants to make me fight for him but I don't want him to think he has all of the control here. He should know by now that if/when he does get deployed, I'll stay faithful and be here for him. And if we got married, I wouldn't use all of his money or whatever. He should know that. I barely ever ask him to buy anything, I never have. I tried to call him a couple of times the other night after he said since I didn't have time to text him he didn't have time to call me, but after he ignored the calls I haven't gone out of my way to talk to him since.

    Am I doing the right thing here? I have no idea how to handle this. I really think the issue here is that he's worried about leaving and is trying to make me prove that I'll fight for him....but I'm sick of playing these games.
    And I know the obvious answer here is to talk to him about it, but talking to him about things never does any good unless he's in the mood he gets in once in awhile where he talks to me about absolutely everything. And when that happens I do plan to talk to him about it and ask if he even sees a future for us anymore. If I try to talk to him about it before then he'll just get sarcastic and upset that I'm questioning him, and the answers I get probably won't really be how he feels.
    All of the bolded seem like red flags to me. It seems like he's making plans for a future that may not include you, and by appearances, he isn't making any real effort to be a part of your life (not acknowledging your birthday, making jaded remarks about relationships, ignoring your calls, disregarding your safety, not welcoming serious discussion with you). He is behaving in an immature, selfish fashion, particularly when he failed to even muster concern for your flight delay. You might need to take a hard look at your relationship, and act in your own best interests, OP, especially if your DB can't be bothered to. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope everything works out for the best.
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    #6
    Thanks for all of the response guys <3

    Honestly I've been thinking at this point, as much as I don't want to, I might need to end it. Whenever these things happen my friends are always like oh give it two days you guys will be back together. But if we break up again, that's it for me. I love him to pieces and I have always seen a future for us, and I thought he did too, but things can't continue like this. My sister said maybe this is his way of dealing with me being gone, because it's been hard on me but it's hard on him too. But even so, he should be nicer to me.

    I'm giving it until my birthday. He always makes a huge event of it, calls me right at midnight to be the first one to wish me a happy birthday (even last year, when we weren't together)...we'll see what happens. I thought he had something big planned for when I went down because he hadn't even asked me what I wanted, and he always does. But he hasn't gotten me anything. He was mad because he thought I was mad that he didn't get anything for me for V-Day. But I don't care as much about a gift as the thought. He says he has no money, but he bought a TV while I was down there (granted, I paid half and he's supposed to pay me back when he gets his taxes back, supposedly today) and he's been buying games since I left. So he can't say he has no money to spend on me. If that were the case, I'd be fine with it. But I know he does, and I'd be okay with a freaking handwritten letter as a gift. Just something to show me he cares.

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    Oh, and I forgot to mention this. Monday morning DB woke up and rolled over and he looked seriously alarmed. He told me he had a really vivid dream about his parents splitting up. He was terrified.
    His parents are like, the most stable couple I've ever met. I have never once seen them even argue, and I used to practically live at their house.

    Part of me wonders if he's afraid of change and his parents have always been his guideline for what a relationship should be. So I wonder if he's afraid of that crumbling.
    I know that he's really lonely down there. At AIT he had some really great friends, and he's stationed at Ft Benning now. He's not infantry, and he doesn't really hang out with the infantry guys. He has acquaintances but no one to really hang out with. He just sits in his room all of the time. His brother and best friends and their mom (who's a really close family friend, like a second mom to him and his brother) are visiting on their way to Florida tomorrow, so I hope that cheers him up some.

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    Quote Originally Posted by stronger27 View Post
    Yeah, he's definitely pushed me away before. He gets in moods where he's just impossible to talk to. Honestly, he still has some growing up to do I think. He seems to think he needs all the reassurance in the world, but I need none.
    We started dating a little over three years ago, but we haven't constantly been together that whole time. We actually weren't "together" when he was in basic. He can be sort of possessive I guess....he needs to know that he can always talk to me whenever, so we broke up before he left because he didn't want to be worrying about me while he was there, he said he couldn't handle it. He wrote to me everyday though, and after he graduated I told him that if he wasn't ready for a relationship yet, I was done being his support system.
    We definitely haven't had an easy relationship..
    Relationships aren't perfect and from the bolded he sounds really immature, insecure, and very stubborn. You don't need to be on that emotional rollercoaster ride.

    Quote Originally Posted by stronger27 View Post
    Thanks for all of the response guys <3

    Honestly I've been thinking at this point, as much as I don't want to, I might need to end it. Whenever these things happen my friends are always like oh give it two days you guys will be back together. But if we break up again, that's it for me. I love him to pieces and I have always seen a future for us, and I thought he did too, but things can't continue like this. My sister said maybe this is his way of dealing with me being gone, because it's been hard on me but it's hard on him too. But even so, he should be nicer to me.

    I'm giving it until my birthday. He always makes a huge event of it, calls me right at midnight to be the first one to wish me a happy birthday (even last year, when we weren't together)...we'll see what happens. I thought he had something big planned for when I went down because he hadn't even asked me what I wanted, and he always does. But he hasn't gotten me anything. He was mad because he thought I was mad that he didn't get anything for me for V-Day. But I don't care as much about a gift as the thought. He says he has no money, but he bought a TV while I was down there (granted, I paid half and he's supposed to pay me back when he gets his taxes back, supposedly today) and he's been buying games since I left. So he can't say he has no money to spend on me. If that were the case, I'd be fine with it. But I know he does, and I'd be okay with a freaking handwritten letter as a gift. Just something to show me he cares.

    I would say end it now, you don't need to be treated like that, he shouldn't push you away because of his moods.
    I'm here if you ever need to talk.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by marvies View Post
    Relationships aren't perfect and from the bolded he sounds really immature, insecure, and very stubborn. You don't need to be on that emotional rollercoaster ride.




    I would say end it now, you don't need to be treated like that, he shouldn't push you away because of his moods.
    I'm here if you ever need to talk.
    Thanks <3

    I don't think he thinks I'd ever leave him. He actually made a comment about it before, when I visited him back when he was in AIT.
    Whenever we do break up though, and I stop talking to him, he constantly texts me things like "you killed everything inside of me. I love you so much. I feel empty." blahblahblah. It's so dumb.
    I've let him get away with this behavior for too long. Now he thinks no matter what he does I'll put up with it.
    I'll probably try to talk to him tonight and see how it goes. If he won't talk, that'll be it I guess.

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    #10
    I am sorry, I really hope the talk goes well tonight. I am here if you need to talk

    Married my MSOS Wifey Fedface3266 9/24/10
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