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Thread: How do I bring the intimacy back?

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    #1

    How do I bring the intimacy back?

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    I am posting here versus the anonymous forum, being brave here. I guess I didn't want any comments about being not true or flaming to an anonymous screen name, etc.

    DH and I have been together 15 years, and our 8 year wedding anniversary is a few months away. We have had our ups and downs dealing with gaming addiction, very stressful jobs, unemployment, injuries and illnesses, and infertility. We have survived, and every day has been better than the last.

    For the last 9 months or so, our intimate time has been wonderful. He and I just click and the results are amazing. We have never been so close in our relationship. We have each been very hands-on with home responsibilities, both contributing financially to our future and both are very proud of our current jobs.

    Since January, my sex drive has just run away. I don't want sex, I don't want him to touch me. I feel horrible. I have talked to him about it and reassured him that he has done nothing wrong. I just don't want any intimacy. I have no desire.

    I don't know what has changed. We have started seriously working out at the gym. We are both toning up and losing body fat. He looks so HOT!!! We go together, he does his cardio, I do mine, then we do some weights and play racquetball for an hour or so. We have been eating better, less fatty foods etc. We also have cut back on alcohol, and gone back to drinking a glass of wine with dinner versus cokes or other options.

    We continue to hang out with our friends and neighbors, play cards and having game night, movie nights, etc. We hit the slopes with a large group on weekends to ski or snowboard. So our routine hasn't changed that much, we are still out and moving, and still keep time for the two of us to connect.

    I just don't understand what has changed with me, and I want to change it back to where it was before.

    Constructive advice please?
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    #2
    How old are you?. I was watching a show about how a married couple was having the same issues last night..they ran a test that shows bloodflow to the genitals and she turned out to be pre menopausal...
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  4. Fur/Feather/Scale Momma
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    #4
    Are you taking any medications like BC pills? I know you said you had infertility issues but just wondering. BC pills can make you lose your drive. It happened to my room mate and she went off of them and BOOOM she was back. There is also a study coming out I forget what the new "disease" is called but it is hormonal and its something along the lines of you basically have NO desire to want sex at all and it effects women? I dunno I heard it on the radio a year or two ago. Maybe look into it?

    It sounds though like you are on the right track trying to get the intimacy back. But it sounds like some hormones or something maybe out of balance in your body? Do some research on that thing I was just talking about and maybe you can find an answer. Then maybe talk to a counselor or your gyno about being treated.

    Hope that helps a little

    Fur/feather momma to Zeus, Inky, Doodle, and Hermes
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    #5
    yea that seems way early for that...

    but maybe your hormones are out of whack from all the changes you have made? You should see a doctor and ask about it? It could be a simple fix..

    or buy a sex swing. I want one
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    #6
    I dont see how anyone can bash you , I dont think it's anything that you've done wrong.

    Dh and I have been together for 14 years, married for 10 1/2. Just recently our sex life has picked up drastically, which has a lot to do in part to me being more self confident (I've lost over 15lbs in the past few months).

    As for how to bring it back, what about a romantic massage? Or something else of that sort to get you in the mood? I know there are times where I'll start going along with it just because he wants to but in the end I'm as into it as he is.

    Either way I hope you can figure out a way to make it work for you .
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    #7
    Could there be a hormonal change going on for you? Perhaps you should see your doctor and have your thyroid checked.
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    #8
    if it's only been since january, i wouldn't get too stressed about it yet. for me, it comes and goes for months at a time. sometimes you just get stuck in a rut then boom, one day you're right back where you want to be, kwim? a lot of it can be psychological... you start thinking you don't, then you get so stressed that you don't want to even more. my advice would be to just try to not think about it for a while and see what happens!

    also, if you guys are exercising a lot more than you used to, it could be that your body is just tired! sex is an instinctually physical thing. if you're working out really hard, sometimes your mind will tell itself it doesn't have the energy to want to have sex, without you even thinking about it!
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    #9
    My guess would be hormones as well. If you go to a naturopathic doctor, they can run a blood hormone panel and then make a pill specific to you that will bring your hormone levels back up.

    I also agree with a romantic massage, or taking a bath together. Enjoy a glass of wine or two in the tub together. That always works for me.
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    #10
    I am not on BC pills, the only joy of infertility I think.

    We shower together nearly daily. That is our time to talk about stuff because it is really hard to get mad at the other person when they are standing naked in front of you. (I think this practice is what has saved our marriage!)

    I gave him a nice massage last night with oil and the passion party warming heart thingy (I love this thing). He really enjoyed that. I don't know. Just feel like I am not here for him right now. It is hard for me.

    I hate seeing a doctor becasue every new one I go to thinks they can cure my infertility, I go through the same hundreds of tests again and get my hopes up and then again, there is nothing wrong with you...have more sex. Or my favorite one, you can't get pregnant because you are too fat (YES I had a reproductive endocrinologist tell me this, I weighed 165 and wore a size 6 jeans but since the BIM chart says I should be 140 at most, I am too fat to get pregnant.)


    He leaves for a short TDY "soon" so I hope when he comes home, this will be over and we will be back to normal.
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