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Thread: If your SO had/has a mental disorder...

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    #1

    If your SO had/has a mental disorder...

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    How far are/would you be willing to go to make it work?

    For those that don't know my whole situation, let me sum up the best I can:

    DH and I are now legally separated, but are leaning towards a divorce. There are many reasons for this, including his adultery; his "need" to move to Florida (whether our 3 kids and I go with him or not); his lack of consideration for anyone's needs but his own (he bought a $2,000 computer after telling me he didn't have any money to give me so I could buy the kids food and clothes); his inability to make any kind of commitment (this is the third time he has left us); his lying (outright and by omission); his constant changing of his mind (he wants to be a cop... no, he wants to go back into the CG... no, he wants to start a recording studio with his best friend); I could just go on and on.

    But the reason I'm asking is that I've spoken to a pastor who used to be with my church, who is also a therapist and knows what our marriage has been like, and he believes AJ has Borderline Personality Disorder. I made a post about this a few days ago, but this time I'm wondering when it would be "enough is enough" for you... Would you wait for your SO to get help, or would you get out and not look back?

    It seems like an easy answer, but for some reason it's just not for me...

    I will do what God asks me to do; I will give God what I cannot do; and no matter what, I will trust the Lord.
    "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." - Hebrews 11:1
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    #2
    As both someone who has a loved one with BPD and a counseling degree....run. I say that with all the love in my heart.

    No amount of medication or therapy can CHANGE a person with BPD (studies have shown medication has no effect on BPD)....therapy can help to a degree, but only if that person WANTS to change who they are IN THEIR CORE.

    Check out this link: Borderline personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    And then, my post about my cousin who has BPD and Bi-Polar (not everyone's the same, but BPD shares similar traits throughout all people): http://www.militarysos.com/forum/ven...help-long.html

    I'm sorry you have to go through this...but I think if it were me.............do what's best for YOU in the end.

    ETA: I also believe it depends on the mental disorder. There are many that are highly treatable with therapy and/or medication. If it truly IS BPD though, that is one of the most difficult to treat ever. Of course he could just be a total jerkface.
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    I about 2 years ago dated someone who had Bipolar disorder. It was a long distance relation ship part of the year.

    I also had much of what you talked about. the cheating, the lieing, spending money when he shouldnt, time in and out of the hospital.

    For me i got fed up when one night he deleted me from his face book (cause he had been cheating and didnt want me to find out) but told me that he just wanted to see if i would notice. I realized that i would be embaresed to tell my family members i was back with him so it was better to leave him behind


    Basicly only you can say what your breaking point is no one else can. But i think one thing that should be stated is that if he does not get the required treatment and stick with it than he can not be in you , or his daughters lives.

    (i suggest going to a board for bipolar disorder since borderline personality disorder is classififed as a milder form i believe. they will give you more insight which will help you figure out if the symptoms are something you feel like you could deal with).

    I do agree with the above poster to RUN the other way, however i also wanted to give some other options since i know if you really want to stay no amount of telling you not to will change your mind
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    #4
    I think there's like, a middle ground there. You don't have to stay married to him (and personally I would lean toward divorce too because it sounds like his actions are harming you and your children). But you don't have to "never look back" either, you can offer support and friendship without being his wife. Perhaps it is possible to have an amicable divorce and when/if he gets better to reconsider the end of the relationship.

    But based on everything you listed I think it is very reasonable for you to want a divorce. Aside from him breaking his vows it sounds like he is putting his family in difficult situations and that's not fair to you or to the kids.
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    #5
    You have kids and that makes it really hard. If you can make it on your own, and commit to make him a part of their lives where possible, I would go.



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    Quote Originally Posted by springs View Post
    As both someone who has a loved one with BPD and a counseling degree....run. I say that with all the love in my heart.

    No amount of medication or therapy can CHANGE a person with BPD (studies have shown medication has no effect on BPD)....therapy can help to a degree, but only if that person WANTS to change who they are IN THEIR CORE.

    Check out this link: Borderline personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    And then, my post about my cousin who has BPD and Bi-Polar (not everyone's the same, but BPD shares similar traits throughout all people): http://www.militarysos.com/forum/ven...help-long.html

    I'm sorry you have to go through this...but I think if it were me.............do what's best for YOU in the end.

    ETA: I also believe it depends on the mental disorder. There are many that are highly treatable with therapy and/or medication. If it truly IS BPD though, that is one of the most difficult to treat ever. Of course he could just be a total jerkface.
    To the bolded:

    I don't believe he's a bad guy, I just honestly believe he has this problem that is severely affecting his life. After checking out the Wikipedia link and the one to your post, all I have to say is... WOW. that sounds SO much like him it's not even funny. Except for the fact that he's not homeless and he's really responsible when it comes to work, he and your cousin are basically the same person, but different genders. He tells me all the time he doesn't regret or have remorse for anything he's done, and he says it's because he doesn't want to live his life that way, but I think it goes a lot deeper than that... I think he simply CAN'T feel it.

    This is all just so sad to me... I wish it was just an issue of him needing to mature, that he would just grow out of it. But it's looking more and more like that's not going to happen.

    I will do what God asks me to do; I will give God what I cannot do; and no matter what, I will trust the Lord.
    "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." - Hebrews 11:1
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Jhr2678 View Post
    (i suggest going to a board for bipolar disorder since borderline personality disorder is classififed as a milder form i believe. they will give you more insight which will help you figure out if the symptoms are something you feel like you could deal with).
    Actually they are two COMPLETELY different disorders. However, going to a chat board for support is great advice.

    Check this one out: Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners

    Personally I HIGHLY recommend NAMI, they have done wonders for those with disorders and their family members (all kinds of mental illnesses): NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness - Mental Health Support, Education and Advocacy

    Quote Originally Posted by TarynD View Post
    To the bolded:

    I don't believe he's a bad guy, I just honestly believe he has this problem that is severely affecting his life. After checking out the Wikipedia link and the one to your post, all I have to say is... WOW. that sounds SO much like him it's not even funny. Except for the fact that he's not homeless and he's really responsible when it comes to work, he and your cousin are basically the same person, but different genders. He tells me all the time he doesn't regret or have remorse for anything he's done, and he says it's because he doesn't want to live his life that way, but I think it goes a lot deeper than that... I think he simply CAN'T feel it.

    This is all just so sad to me... I wish it was just an issue of him needing to mature, that he would just grow out of it. But it's looking more and more like that's not going to happen.
    Check out the links I posted and hopefully you can get some support. As far as the remorse, my cousin used to kick our dog and think it was funny...talk about scary and no remorse. It was on the verge of anti-social personality (sociopath). She's also a habitual liar. Hang in there and if you choose to continue divorce, stay strong for your kids
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jhr2678 View Post
    I about 2 years ago dated someone who had Bipolar disorder. It was a long distance relation ship part of the year.

    I also had much of what you talked about. the cheating, the lieing, spending money when he shouldnt, time in and out of the hospital.

    For me i got fed up when one night he deleted me from his face book (cause he had been cheating and didnt want me to find out) but told me that he just wanted to see if i would notice. I realized that i would be embaresed to tell my family members i was back with him so it was better to leave him behind


    Basicly only you can say what your breaking point is no one else can. But i think one thing that should be stated is that if he does not get the required treatment and stick with it than he can not be in you , or his daughters lives.

    (i suggest going to a board for bipolar disorder since borderline personality disorder is classififed as a milder form i believe. they will give you more insight which will help you figure out if the symptoms are something you feel like you could deal with).

    I do agree with the above poster to RUN the other way, however i also wanted to give some other options since i know if you really want to stay no amount of telling you not to will change your mind
    I really appreciate your advice, thank you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post
    I think there's like, a middle ground there. You don't have to stay married to him (and personally I would lean toward divorce too because it sounds like his actions are harming you and your children). But you don't have to "never look back" either, you can offer support and friendship without being his wife. Perhaps it is possible to have an amicable divorce and when/if he gets better to reconsider the end of the relationship.

    But based on everything you listed I think it is very reasonable for you to want a divorce. Aside from him breaking his vows it sounds like he is putting his family in difficult situations and that's not fair to you or to the kids.
    We are actually going through this amicably right now... We're not fighting about anything, but this constant back and forth "I'm leaving for FL, but now I'm going to stay here and go to school, but I want a divorce, but I still love you and I don't want to go through with this" is KILLING me. It's completely draining, and I'm just tired of it. We've both said that if things work out in a few years we would be open to trying it again, but at the rate things are going I don't see how that's even possible...

    As far as putting us in difficult situations, that's putting it mildly... For example, the times he was unfaithful he chose not to use protection, then he would come home and have sex with me while I was pregnant with DS and not even think twice about it. I am SO thankful he never contracted any kind of disease, because he was not just putting himself at risk, but also myself and our child.

    Quote Originally Posted by Judi89 View Post
    You have kids and that makes it really hard. If you can make it on your own, and commit to make him a part of their lives where possible, I would go.
    I can't make it on my own, though, that's the problem. All five of us are basically living with my parents, though, so I know the kids and I have a house to live in. Now that he's moved out my mom and dad are pretty much supporting us (the kids and me), but that responsibility shouldn't fall on them... I've been a SAHM for the better part of our marriage, and I haven't gone to college yet, so right now I don't really have many choices career wise.

    I will do what God asks me to do; I will give God what I cannot do; and no matter what, I will trust the Lord.
    "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." - Hebrews 11:1
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    #9
    My brother has Bipolar I Disorder - if he didn't manage his condition with both counseling visits and very expensive () medication, it would be difficult to have even him a part of my life. There have been times where my brother stopped taking his medication because of the cost of it and his pride to not ask for help when he couldn't afford it...it was absolute hell for my family and his then girlfriend - now fiance.

    When he got engaged, continuing to manage his disorder and being open when he may not be able to afford it rather than being too prideful was one of the conditions for everyone involved - his fiance, her family, and our family. I am so proud of the progress that my brother has had in the recent years. Staying well used to not seem like a priority to him...it was like once he was stable on the meds, he would feel fine...and think he didn't have to take them anymore. Now he realizes that it is the meds that creates that balance in his mind! He told me last weekend that the pastor he talks to told him that he has never seen someone manage type I bi-polar as well as he does. That just makes me proud.

    As far as my own thoughts go, if it were my significant other, I would be running if he wasn't open to getting help and actively seeking it.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Lyndsay View Post
    My brother has Bipolar I Disorder - if he didn't manage his condition with both counseling visits and very expensive () medication, it would be difficult to have even him a part of my life. There have been times where my brother stopped taking his medication because of the cost of it and his pride to not ask for help when he couldn't afford it...it was absolute hell for my family and his then girlfriend - now fiance.

    When he got engaged, continuing to manage his disorder and being open when he may not be able to afford it rather than being too prideful was one of the conditions for everyone involved - his fiance, her family, and our family. I am so proud of the progress that my brother has had in the recent years. Staying well used to not seem like a priority to him...it was like once he was stable on the meds, he would feel fine...and think he didn't have to take them anymore. Now he realizes that it is the meds that creates that balance in his mind! He told me last weekend that the pastor he talks to told him that he has never seen someone manage type I bi-polar as well as he does. That just makes me proud.

    As far as my own thoughts go, if it were my significant other, I would be running if he wasn't open to getting help and actively seeking it.
    KUDOS to your brother! Men are especially hard to treat with meds, for the bolded in particular (feel well, don't need to take them, crash). Bi-Polar is difficult to treat but once you find a good combination of meds it can make a world of difference because it is inherently caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. Borderline is still controversial because researchers are not sure what causes it and medications have proven ineffective in treating it. I'm glad your brother is able to see the benefit of his meds and staying healthy on them (and believe it or not I am anti-psych-meds...but this is one illness that cannot ignore medications).
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