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Thread: It's not a commitment issue...

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    #1

    It's not a commitment issue...

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    DB and I have been together for over 2 and a half years. And we've been more or less engaged for a year. We talk about marriage all the time. We plan wedding details (without setting a date), we talk about our future, we've even named our future kids. He bought me a ruby ring with diamonds that he likes me to wear on my left hand. Sounds legit, right? Well I asked him out of curiosity why we weren't officially engaged and he said part of it was because of all the paperwork he'd have to fill out for the military to change his marital status , and part of it was that he didn't want to feel tied down or "caged". But he doesn't want to see anyone else. He's in a fully committed relationship, but doesn't want to commit. I'm not pressuring him by any means. I haven't brought it up to him since. I just don't get it. Am I missing something?



    DF: "I'm thinking about you constantly. Every night. You're my reason for reason over here."


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    #2
    I kinda feel like his excuses are a copout...the paperwork?! Seriously?! To my understanding, in all branches of the military, he would get paid more if he was married...so if its just the paperwork, I'd think he's be jumping at that!

    ...the whole tied down / 'caged' excuse...sounds like a commitment issue.

    This is just my opinion...if a guy gave me THOSE reasons for not getting married...it'd be a red flag.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Lyndsay View Post
    I kinda feel like his excuses are a copout...the paperwork?! Seriously?! To my understanding, in all branches of the military, he would get paid more if he was married...so if its just the paperwork, I'd think he's be jumping at that!

    ...the whole tied down / 'caged' excuse...sounds like a commitment issue.

    This is just my opinion...if a guy gave me THOSE reasons for not getting married...it'd be a red flag.
    That's what I was thinking. But we've been together this long, and he's never even looked at another girl EVER. He tells me I'm whats getting him through BMT and I'm his everything and yadda yadda. So if he's so invested and committed to me, why can't he marry me? Ugh. I don't want to think that this is a sign that he's jumping ship...



    DF: "I'm thinking about you constantly. Every night. You're my reason for reason over here."


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    #4
    Not wanting to be tied down is a commitment issue.
    No more damn ticker, he's home!
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    #5
    Yeah, I'm not sure how you are getting that it isn't a commitment issue. That is exactly what it sounds like to me.

    He's throwing you bones, like a sort-of engagement ring worn on your ring finger, so that you have enough to keep you around and strung along. Unless you are willing to live with this, and nothing more, I'd start making other plans and letting him know this isn't good enough for you anymore.
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    #6
    I guess my wording was just wrong. Or I'm in denial. I don't really know. It just baffles me how he's willing to stay committed to me as just my boyfriend. He's not an asshole by any means. He's a good person. And he didn't say we'd never get engaged. But I don't know how long I'm supposed to wait. Or what is supposed to change.



    DF: "I'm thinking about you constantly. Every night. You're my reason for reason over here."


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    #7
    There is no paper work that needs to be filled out for an engagement. The military or any state I am aware of does not view engagements as change in martial status.

    This is a commitment issue on his part sounds as if he is quite happy with not buying the cow when he gets the milk for free.

    Personally I wouldn't give him all the power to decide what will happen - unless you are 100% on board with pretend engagement - which let's face you are not or you would not be posting.
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    #8
    maybe he is just not READY to be engaged?
    Before dh and i got married, we talked about the future and about getting married. Heck we even had the place picked out.
    BUT neither of us were actually READY to be engaged, or married when we were talking. Kwim?
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Tana Bear View Post
    maybe he is just not READY to be engaged?
    Before dh and i got married, we talked about the future and about getting married. Heck we even had the place picked out.
    BUT neither of us were actually READY to be engaged, or married when we were talking. Kwim?
    That actually just occurred to me. I guess the only thing to do would be to talk to him and get the truth. Thank you everyone for all of your advice.



    DF: "I'm thinking about you constantly. Every night. You're my reason for reason over here."


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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by maraxrose View Post
    I guess my wording was just wrong. Or I'm in denial. I don't really know. It just baffles me how he's willing to stay committed to me as just my boyfriend. He's not an ******* by any means. He's a good person. And he didn't say we'd never get engaged. But I don't know how long I'm supposed to wait. Or what is supposed to change.
    DB and I sound a lot like you. We've been dating 2.5 years. We've discussed our future, our wedding plans, our kids, etc. We are not engaged. But unlike you, it doesn't bother me. Like you said - it's a fully committed relationship. Putting a ring on your finger doesn't make it any more committed, IMO. Especially when you clearly are thinking of a future together.

    I do agree that the tied down/caged comment is a little weird and that would probably make me worry about what he meant. I'm sorry you are feeling the way you do, but I think you need to have a long talk with him about where you both think you are headed and make sure you are on the same page. But if you say it's a fully committed relationship then what's to worry about? Who cares if you get married today or 10 years from now. Commitment is commitment IMO. Title or the status of your relationship shouldn't change that (referring to the bolded).
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