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Thread: Newlywed and Just Found out Wife (Girlfriend at time) Cheated on Me

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    Newlywed and Just Found out Wife (Girlfriend at time) Cheated on Me

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    I do not know where to start, but here it goes. I recently got married to my wife in January 2011, which I have known for a little over seven months. We both have lived in separate cities during our entire relationship due to work related reasons. We have also made the effort to visit each other at least once a month for the past seven months.

    Our long distance relationship for the first two months was awesome, until she started nursing school. That is when things started turning sour. The stress of going to school and holding a full time got the better of her. She started to become very moody and short with me during our phone conversations. So the constant fighting between us began. I was very open with her and told her up front the things I did not like about her new attitude. I did not like the way this relationship was heading so I broke up with her. She refused to give up on the relationship and begged me to give it another chance. So I did. From August to October 2011 timeframe I broke up the relationship four times for the similar reasons. Do not get me wrong the relationship has not been horrible at all or else I would not have married her.

    Sometime in early part of November 2010 I found out she cheated on me when one of her ex-boyfriends called me and told me that she had been hanging out with him behind my back on a constant basis between the months of September and October 2010. I confirmed this information by having the ex and my girlfriend, and I on a three way phone call. While all of us were on the phone line, I confronted my girlfriend about her seeing her ex behind my back and she at first she denied everything. She admitted not until the ex-boyfriend started to really pressure her to tell the truth. They both admitted not to having any sex, but only to kissing once in his apartment.

    I am sorry to say, but I did forgive her and decided to propose to her over Thanksgiving weekend. Everything was awesome between us for the next two months. So awesome, that we decided to get married in January of 2011.
    I found out last week (sometime Feb 2011) from a yahoo messenger message from another guy that she had been seeing on and off for the past two years. Well the message said that in October this guy and she hooked up while she and I were having relationship issues. I confronted her about the yahoo message and she admitted to having sex with this guy. Her reason for having sex was that she was tired of the fighting and was going to break up with me the following weekend when I went to visit her in October.

    It is now the middle of February and I am getting ready to deploy to Afghanistan for six months. In our seven month relationship she has cheated on me twice. She said she has changed since we patched things up in early November and has had no contact with any of these men. I am so confused! I have major trust issues right before my deployment and I am not sure how to handle this situation. I have thought about filing for divorce before I deploy or even giving her yet another chance knowing that we are married and she says she has changed. I really love this girl and I would like to stay with her, but my trust issues tell me otherwise. Any suggestions?
  2. Preaching from the book of Johnny Cash...
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    #2
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    #3
    This is NOT WarSnoopy


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    Ultimately, it's up to you. You're going to get a lot of "Once a cheater, always a cheater," a lot of "She cheated, now leave," and some people who say they might stick it out.

    Personally, I'd be outta there, but fidelity is something that is not optional to me.
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    #5
    And leave her if she cheats on you.


  6. cuz i'm wonderful
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    #6
    You're going to have to go to counseling, and I think she's going to have to prove her commitment to saving the relationship over a long period of time to earn your trust back.

    If I was in your shoes, even though it would hurt like hell, I would leave her. I wouldn't deploy with the idea of her cheating on you, and I certainly would never trust her not to cheat every time the relationship became difficult. Marriage isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes, the relationship is extremely difficult to hold together, you fight & you struggle. Life throws a lot of madness your direction. You marry the person you can handle that madness with, stand by, and move forward with. I wouldn't be with someone who I couldn't trust to stand by my side, through thick and thin, bad and good.

    I'm sorry this is happening directly before a deployment.
  7. If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything
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    #7
    If you guys don't have trust, then.... ?

    There is no relationship without trust, first of all. Second, were you guys even together when she supposedly "cheated"? If you weren't, but you were on a "break" you can't call that cheating... I'm confused.

    Anyway, maybe you should introduce yourself on the newbie board
  8. If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by oohrah_baby View Post
    You're going to have to go to counseling, and I think she's going to have to prove her commitment to saving the relationship over a long period of time to earn your trust back.

    If I was in your shoes, even though it would hurt like hell, I would leave her. I wouldn't deploy with the idea of her cheating on you, and I certainly would never trust her not to cheat every time the relationship became difficult. Marriage isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes, the relationship is extremely difficult to hold together, you fight & you struggle. Life throws a lot of madness your direction. You marry the person you can handle that madness with, stand by, and move forward with. I wouldn't be with someone who I couldn't trust to stand by my side, through thick and thin, bad and good.

    I'm sorry this is happening directly before a deployment.
    totally agree with the bolded
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Snoopy View Post
    I do not know where to start, but here it goes. I recently got married to my wife in January 2011, which I have known for a little over seven months. We both have lived in separate cities during our entire relationship due to work related reasons. We have also made the effort to visit each other at least once a month for the past seven months.

    Our long distance relationship for the first two months was awesome, until she started nursing school. That is when things started turning sour. The stress of going to school and holding a full time got the better of her. She started to become very moody and short with me during our phone conversations. So the constant fighting between us began. I was very open with her and told her up front the things I did not like about her new attitude. I did not like the way this relationship was heading so I broke up with her. She refused to give up on the relationship and begged me to give it another chance. So I did. From August to October 2011 timeframe I broke up the relationship four times for the similar reasons. Do not get me wrong the relationship has not been horrible at all or else I would not have married her.

    Sometime in early part of November 2010 I found out she cheated on me when one of her ex-boyfriends called me and told me that she had been hanging out with him behind my back on a constant basis between the months of September and October 2010. I confirmed this information by having the ex and my girlfriend, and I on a three way phone call. While all of us were on the phone line, I confronted my girlfriend about her seeing her ex behind my back and she at first she denied everything. She admitted not until the ex-boyfriend started to really pressure her to tell the truth. They both admitted not to having any sex, but only to kissing once in his apartment.

    I am sorry to say, but I did forgive her and decided to propose to her over Thanksgiving weekend. Everything was awesome between us for the next two months. So awesome, that we decided to get married in January of 2011.
    I found out last week (sometime Feb 2011) from a yahoo messenger message from another guy that she had been seeing on and off for the past two years. Well the message said that in October this guy and she hooked up while she and I were having relationship issues. I confronted her about the yahoo message and she admitted to having sex with this guy. Her reason for having sex was that she was tired of the fighting and was going to break up with me the following weekend when I went to visit her in October.

    It is now the middle of February and I am getting ready to deploy to Afghanistan for six months. In our seven month relationship she has cheated on me twice. She said she has changed since we patched things up in early November and has had no contact with any of these men. I am so confused! I have major trust issues right before my deployment and I am not sure how to handle this situation. I have thought about filing for divorce before I deploy or even giving her yet another chance knowing that we are married and she says she has changed. I really love this girl and I would like to stay with her, but my trust issues tell me otherwise. Any suggestions?
    QFP.

    OK first of all, welcome. This is an interesting first post but I will try to do my best to answer it as best as I can. I'm seriously very confused as to why you married her. It doesn't seem like, IMO, that your vows mean much to you. Yes, she cheated. That is absolutely horrible but did you expect everything to be ok just because you got married? That was only a couple months ago, literally three months since she cheated the first time and then you got married, committed to a life together.

    A lifetime is a long time to commit to someone when you found out they cheated three months beforehand. Sounds like to me you were hoping marriage would lock in her loyalty and commitment but I may be wrong. Personally, I would stick it out and do my best to make the marriage work but I don't believe in divorce. best of luck to you.
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    #10
    It depends on what you personally want to put up with and/or forgive.

    To me, cheating is a deal breaker, no questions asked. For some, it's forgivable.

    You have to decide when to draw the line. She cheated on you twice in 6 months. In my opinion, that is insanely untrustworthy.

    Good luck, I hope you can get everything figured out before you deploy.
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