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Thread: How would you do this?

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    #1

    How would you do this?

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    Not going to give too much of a back story but me and DB got into a fight. He finally got on to talk to me about it. But it didnt go as you would think "making up" would go. He said some things that do not sit well with me. I did not want to say to many of them because 1. when i tried he didn't understand what I was getting at and 2. I didn't want to get into a worse fight.

    I've heard that writing things down makes you feel better. So I did that. (Well I typed it out). However, there are things that I wrote in there that do need to be said. Some of the things that happened in this fight are reoccuring and some of the things that were said just did not sit right with me. I want to let him know these things.

    I don't really feel as if the way I wrote out what I did is rude, but it might be. I basically made a list of "I feel this way because: ..." with a few differnt things I felt.

    How can I reword this to sound less attacking (which I don't think it does at all but with the way things are going in the past few days, who knows how he will take it) but still show the emotions I have about what happened?

    Has anyone done this before?

    love me some Maegan
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    #2
    I have not done this before eventually DF and I get over our silly little fights. But if it is reoccurring maybe you should send the list to DB so he can see how you feel and take in the information.
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    #3
    If they are I feel, I think and not you do this, you make me feel like etc than if he gets upset it is on him.

    If there are issues you need to talk to him about them. If you don't they will fester and boil and finally a huge blowup will happen.
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    #4
    We have gone to marriage counseling and she gave us a paper specifically for this. This is what the paper says:

    I feel..._________________________(This is your emotion)
    When you..._____________________(This is the other person's action/behavior)
    Because..._______________________(Your reason for feeling as you do)
    I want..._________________________(This is where you ask for what you want)
    Or I would like...___________________(Or how you would like things to be different)

    She gave this to us to use as a practice when we need to discuss things in a way where neither of us feels attacked. I hope it helps.


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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Amberliegh View Post
    We have gone to marriage counseling and she gave us a paper specifically for this. This is what the paper says:

    I feel..._________________________(This is your emotion)
    When you..._____________________(This is the other person's action/behavior)
    Because..._______________________(Your reason for feeling as you do)
    I want..._________________________(This is where you ask for what you want)
    Or I would like...___________________(Or how you would like things to be different)

    She gave this to us to use as a practice when we need to discuss things in a way where neither of us feels attacked. I hope it helps.
    This is a good idea. It also gives you structure, so it should help keep you from rambling angrily (I know I do that sometimes when I try to write it out, haha)

    Also, I'm not sure what things were said that are sitting wrong with you, but I know I had an issue awhile back with DB getting drunk on weekends and forgetting to call me. So I would always be like "I understand that you like going out on weekends to relive stress, I know you had a rough week. I don't expect you to keep tabs with me all throughout the night, I'm just asking for a phone call when you get back in."
    That always seemed to help us keep the talks a little calmer, because I wasn't full on attacking him.

    Good luck!

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    #6
    I think you got some great suggestions, just wanted to wish you good luck in your talk! You're totally right that if these are bothering you they need to be discussed.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Amberliegh View Post
    We have gone to marriage counseling and she gave us a paper specifically for this. This is what the paper says:

    I feel..._________________________(This is your emotion)
    When you..._____________________(This is the other person's action/behavior)
    Because..._______________________(Your reason for feeling as you do)
    I want..._________________________(This is where you ask for what you want)
    Or I would like...___________________(Or how you would like things to be different)

    She gave this to us to use as a practice when we need to discuss things in a way where neither of us feels attacked. I hope it helps.
    This looks really helpful

    Good luck!!
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    #8
    Well we'll see if we even DO talk any time soon. We barely got to talk on his break, one of our schedules times. He had to go because "no one is really saying anything and I want to smoke". So he says he promises he would be on when was done at the gym (not giving me any real time frame he would sign on) and we could finish talking. Well. He's not here and hasn't been. And the window of time he can talk is closing. What sucks is I see that his friends are online. He can be too, and he's chosing not to talk to me right now. I'm starting to worry. But I refuse to cry my makeup off, darnit!

    love me some Maegan
    Jessym is my relationship twin! ♡
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    #9
    Usually when my DF and I get into serious fights, I will write him a letter afterwards. I will often write it in the heat of the moment, leave it then come back to it later when I have a cooler head. I reread it and try to figure out what makes me angry for real and not just because I was already riled up. I then rephrase it to explain how I feel. I don't mollycoddle him or sugarcoat it but I explain why whatever it is bothers me and what sort of solutions or compromises we could maybe work towards. I also acknowledge my own shortcomings (without sounding like I'm groveling), and I find that helps to make it sound less accusatory and more about something between US that we both need to work towards.

    I find it works well and opens many more pathways towards better communication then when a serious fight is dropped with no resolution.

    So good luck. Write write and then rewrite. The truth is often the most pure in it's most raw form though and might be the only way to express what you're truly feeling.

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