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Thread: I don't know what to do! (long)

  1. I am still TheCmonky!
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    #1

    I don't know what to do! (long)

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    I don't know what to do...

    Here's the good thing. DB wants to get married. We've been discussing this for almost a year now... but now he has told me to look at engagement rings so I can give him ideas. We've also been kinda planning and looking into prices, locations and such.

    Here's the problem, when to get married. DB wanted to get married already... like we'd already be married if we did it his way but I told him that I HAD to finish school. If all goes well, I should be finished with my Cosmetology course in about a year and a month (or two).

    1. DB wants to get married this December. Our anni is on Dec 15th and we said we wanted to get married on that exact day or in that month at least. But I believe he doesn't want to wait until next December... like we also discussed before. He also says that we can get married and I can still stay and finish school and once I'm done all the paperwork and whatever will be done and I can just move over to where he'll be.

    2. My mom wants us to wait until at least September 2012. She would rather we wait til December 2012. She says I should finish school, work, gain experience and save money, then get married and move.

    3. I want to wait until just after I've finished school (which might be around May 2012). I think that's better coz we'll have a little more time to save up money and we'll actually be able to have a nice honeymoon since I won't have school that I would have to come back to. I would also rather move to a new place and start working there instead of starting here and then having to start again somewhere else.

    I was talking to DB about all this today and he got all annoyed because I was making it "all difficult and confusing". That my mom was changing my mind and giving me ideas... even though I wanted to wait until after school even before I discussed it with my mom. I think he's just throwing a fit since we're not doing it his way.

    Also, he's annoyed that we HAVE to be married through the church. He (and even I) would like to get married first then have a formal wedding later. But my mother says that we'd be "sinning". UGH.

    So, I'm asking for advice or ideas or anything. What should I do? What date would be best? What would you do?

    Also, how long is the process/paperwork for processing a marriage through the Army? Did that question even make sense? Oh god. Help me, please!!

    I am so confused right now so I hope it all made sense. If you need me to clear anything up, just ask.

    Come what may, I will love you until the end of time.
  2. Anchored2aSailor's Avatar
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    #2
    Devote your time/attention to finishing up school, getting experience, and creating a portfolio. Find out the requirements for cosmetology where he could get stationed. Do you have to re-certify/re-test?

    Take it slowly, it isn't a race. If the two of you love each other, why rush it? Get engaged if you want to, and then let everything take its natural course. Finish your schooling. That should be your number 1 priority. Relationships can come and go, but an education is forever.

    If you are so concerned with your mother's wishes, maybe you aren't ready to make such adult decisions as getting married? I can understand/appreciate wanting to consider what you mother says, but at the end of the day, she isn't the one getting married, you would be.

    What does it matter to your boyfriend if you guys get married this year or next year? Does he think you guys get a lot more money or something?
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    #3
    I don't know about the paperwork, but I do know you don't HAVE to go through a church or wait etc. that's your MOM not YOU.

    live your life the way you want it!
  4. The Decider
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    #4
    I would do it whatever way YOU want to. If you want to wait until you're done with school, then wait. No one should feel pressured into marriage.

    I also disagree that being concerned about family / respecting family's wishes means you're not ready to get married. My family means the world to me, and I would not want to do anything to drive a rift between us if unnecessary. For example, my grandparents are Jehovah's Witnesses. They are very, very conservative, so I have ruled out a strapless dress. I want my grandparents to be proud of me, to want to show off photos, to not be afraid of judgments. Ultimately it is my day, but I know that I can find something that everyone is happy with. That is important to me. So I don't think it's unreasonable at all that you're considering your mother's advice.

    My personal opinion is the same as your own - that you should wait until school is out. In that respect, I do agree with Anchored. You need to ground yourself and be able to care for yourself before you enter into a partnership.

    Good luck in your decision-making! I hope you and your boyfriend can see eye to eye.
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  5. I'm sorry for the things I said when I was hungry.
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    #5
    i don't get the rush. you have the rest of your lives together. what difference will a couple months make?




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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Anchored2aSailor View Post
    Devote your time/attention to finishing up school, getting experience, and creating a portfolio. Find out the requirements for cosmetology where he could get stationed. Do you have to re-certify/re-test?

    Take it slowly, it isn't a race. If the two of you love each other, why rush it? Get engaged if you want to, and then let everything take its natural course. Finish your schooling. That should be your number 1 priority. Relationships can come and go, but an education is forever.

    If you are so concerned with your mother's wishes, maybe you aren't ready to make such adult decisions as getting married? I can understand/appreciate wanting to consider what you mother says, but at the end of the day, she isn't the one getting married, you would be.

    What does it matter to your boyfriend if you guys get married this year or next year? Does he think you guys get a lot more money or something?
    Hmm, I don't have too much of a problem about waiting. Even if we do get married in Dec I would still stay and finish. I told him that. But I guess DB seems to be rushing. I don't really know why. I wonder if it is about money... not JUST about money.

    And I've already looked up the requirements for the state that he'll be in and CA's requirements are more than that state so they'll certify me no problem.

    And I'm not going to do what my mother says... that's what my sister did. She let my mom control most of her marriage process. I don't want that to happen but I definitely want to take what she says into consideration.

    Come what may, I will love you until the end of time.
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    #7
    There is a difference to me, between wearing a more conservative dress because of familial beliefs, vs getting married in a church, when it isn't important to the bride and groom, because of a mother's opinion, kwim? If it doesn't matter to the people getting married, letting a parent run the show can be problematic. If he/she lets his/her parents make extreme decisions about the wedding, they will more than likely try to butt in to the marriage as well.
    Last edited by Anchored2aSailor; 01-14-2011 at 02:17 AM. Reason: typo
  8. The Decider
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Anchored2aSailor View Post
    There is a difference to me, between wearing a more conservative dress because of familial beliefs, vs getting married in a church, when it isn't important to the bride and groom, because of a mother's opinion, kwim? If it doesn't matter to the people getting married, letting a parent run the show can be problematic. If he/she lets his/her parents make extreme decisions about the wedding, they will more than likely try to butt in to the marriage as well.
    That makes sense. I thought your concern was with the mom wanting to wait, not getting married in a church. I completely agree that parents should not run the show, but I do think that if you consider their suggestions, it will be an easier road for everyone.

    Could your mom's concern be a cultural one as well as religious? Regardless, I definitely think you should talk it out with her, but ultimately make your own decisions.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by LittleRed View Post
    I would do it whatever way YOU want to. If you want to wait until you're done with school, then wait. No one should feel pressured into marriage.

    I also disagree that being concerned about family / respecting family's wishes means you're not ready to get married. My family means the world to me, and I would not want to do anything to drive a rift between us if unnecessary. For example, my grandparents are Jehovah's Witnesses. They are very, very conservative, so I have ruled out a strapless dress. I want my grandparents to be proud of me, to want to show off photos, to not be afraid of judgments. Ultimately it is my day, but I know that I can find something that everyone is happy with. That is important to me. So I don't think it's unreasonable at all that you're considering your mother's advice.

    My personal opinion is the same as your own - that you should wait until school is out. In that respect, I do agree with Anchored. You need to ground yourself and be able to care for yourself before you enter into a partnership.

    Good luck in your decision-making! I hope you and your boyfriend can see eye to eye.
    Thank you. I think I do want to wait until after school. I'm still not sure if I want to wait for a time after that so that I can start working in my career... It sounds like a good idea.

    Quote Originally Posted by Whitla View Post
    i don't get the rush. you have the rest of your lives together. what difference will a couple months make?
    I agree. That's why I plan on talking to DB tomorrow and asking him why he is rushing. He's being a little difficult. I don't know how to make him understand that waiting just a couple months won't be bad.

    Come what may, I will love you until the end of time.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Anchored2aSailor View Post
    There is a difference to me, between wearing a more conservative dress because of familial beliefs, vs getting married in a church, when it isn't important to the bride and groom, because of a mother's opinion, kwim? If it doesn't matter to the people getting married, letting a parent run the show can be problematic. If he/she lets his/her parents make extreme decisions about the wedding, they will more than likely try to butt in to the marriage as well.
    Quote Originally Posted by LittleRed View Post
    That makes sense. I thought your concern was with the mom wanting to wait, not getting married in a church. I completely agree that parents should not run the show, but I do think that if you consider their suggestions, it will be an easier road for everyone.

    Could your mom's concern be a cultural one as well as religious? Regardless, I definitely think you should talk it out with her, but ultimately make your own decisions.
    I definitely am not as religious as my mother. Probably never will be. But I do believe. DB on the other hand, has gone through a harsh childhood and because of that has lost his faith. So to him marriage through the church is not important at all but it is to me. And he knows that and that's why he's agreed to do it. But like I said, we'd both be fine just getting married in a courthouse and then having the full on ceremony later. BUT getting married through the church is very important to a lot of my family and even though this decision is bigger than the dress issue, I need to make sure that I won't cause any problems.

    Unfortunately since DB isn't as close to his family as I am, its hard for him to understand that what my family says actually matters... NOT that I'll do as they say, but their feelings and concerns are definitely considered.

    And now I really want to talk to him about he wants to rush! Unless having it in December is REALLY that important to him. Well it is to me too this year seems a bit rushed and next year is too far. AHHH! And its so difficult to talk about this seriously since its over the phone. He gets all frustrated and difficult. It'd be so much better in person. Ugh.

    Come what may, I will love you until the end of time.
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