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Thread: I Need Advice!

  1. Steph
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    #1

    Help I Need Advice!

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    Back in October DH deployed, I was expecting I would hear from in him a few days after he arrived but that was not the case. It was three weeks later until I heard from him. He HAD the chance to call but just never did. That really hurt my feelings. Other wives had talk, emailed, skyped with their husbands and I didn't even know where mine was or what he was doing.

    Anytime DH and I are separated, he is terrible about communicating! I knew this and was concerned about it, and brought the issue to his attention before he deployed and he assured me it would not happen this time. This deployment was going to bring us closer together. Ha not happening.

    DH has the option to call me everyday if he wanted to, instead he goes 2 to 3 weeks before I hear anything from him. No emails, no facebook, no phone calls. He tells me he is going to call in 2-3 days but NEVER does. This infuriates me more than anything, and he should know because I have told him a million and one times.

    His lack of interest in communicating with me has really been heavy on my heart lately! I was talking to a friend (a wife from the unit) and she told me that she doesn't think DH worries about loosing me, and he doesn't realize how smart, or thoughtful I am. She said that before I moved here he would tell her things that made me sound dumb. She said that it's very obvious he is oblivious to everything I do for me, him, our marriage. I believe so too. I know that he didn't have much faith in me for this deployment, he didn't think that I could survive on my own. Well, guess what I am doing pretty damn goood!!!!

    I guess what I am trying to say is that I know my husband does not appreciate me, he does not know how to communicate with me, and to be honest I don't really think he knows who I am as a person. He will tell people things about my personality (he really thinks is true) but I and everyone else knows it's not true.

    How do I get him to open up to me? How do I get him to appreciate me? He pretty much figures now that we're married I'm not going anywhere, I'm his property, so he doesn't need to put effort into the relationship anymore? How do I deal with this?! It is so exhausting for me and it's affecting our marriage. I can not and will not put up with his crap anymore but how do I get him to work on things if he doesn't see there is a problem?! I am in need of any advice you have!! Don't sugar coat it either, I need honest advice!! TIA!!
  2. Livin~Lovin~Laughin
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    #2
    I think that you need to make it clear that you deserve to be treasured and respected and you aren't going to tolerate it any more. As long as he thinks he can get away with treating you this way, he will. I would remind him of his promises to you and that you NEED him to keep them. If he can't make you feel like you are an important part of his life, then perhaps you will need to rethink your marital status. Life is too short to be treated badly by the one person who promised to LOVE and CHERISH you.





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  3. Senior Member
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    #3
    I have never been in that situation so I don't know what to tell you but I am sure other women here have. and


  4. Livin~Lovin~Laughin
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    #4
    He doesn't see it as a problem because you aren't making it a problem. Once you do and he realizes that he could lose you....he may be willing to fix things. If he's NOT, well then, do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling like a possession he puts on the shelf and only pays attention to when he wants to?





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    just worry about being kind."
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  5. Steph
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Solstice View Post
    He doesn't see it as a problem because you aren't making it a problem. Once you do and he realizes that he could lose you....he may be willing to fix things. If he's NOT, well then, do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling like a possession he puts on the shelf and only pays attention to when he wants to?
    I have talked to him about this before but he just thinks I'm crazy. You are right I have never put it out there that it could result in a loss for him. I honestly love him so much I will admit I am not tough enough and I do not stick up for myself. In the past I have let him walk all over me but now I am gaining some self confidence and realizing I matter too. And too the bolded, this is exactly how I feel and it's exhausting and unfair.
  6. Livin~Lovin~Laughin
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    #6
    BUT it only happens because you allow it. I would suggest you get into some counseling and work on your self confidence. Start with YOU. You have to learn to value yourself before anything else. Keep talking to him about it. I would tell him you are going to counseling to work on yourself and when he gets home you want to go to couples counseling. If he won't, if he won't see that these things are important to you...then perhaps you need to find someone who does.





    "Don't worry about being right,
    just worry about being kind."
    ~Tilly Therber
  7. Banned
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    #7
    I agree with Solstice...she said it perfectly. Let him know what's bothering you and ask for marriage counseling when he returns. If he brushes you off, I'd rethink my marriage and find someone who will fall over himself to keep his marriage vows.
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    #8
    Although I think Solstice gave fantastic advice, I am going to come around to a different viewpoint.

    You have known that he is awful about communicating since when? From the sounds of it, he has always been bad about communicating. If you went in to your marriage knowing this, what did you expect? People don't just miraculously change because of a wedding ring.

    Also, don't compare your situation with another wife. To me, it sounds like this other wife put all sorts of nonsense in your head, and now something that was an ant hill has become a mountain, because you think your relationship/communication should be like hers, and apparently, she thinks so too.

    Also, why was your husband talking to another woman about you? That sends up red flags to me right there.
  9. Senior Member
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    #9
    I agree with Solstice too. I had similar issues with my DH before we were married and I tried for a while to "fix things" but he didn't contribute. I finally realized I couldn't make him change, and I left. We weren't married but we had lived together for quite a while and had a baby together. Once I moved out and quit answering his calls, things started to change. The only time I saw him was when one of us would drop off/pick up our DS. I think he was just REALLY confident in himself and learning that I was NOT gonna take his crap was a humbling experience for him. But we both did counseling during that time too and worked on our individual issues. Neither of us planned on getting back together, in my mind it was over. But things kinda happened on their own. We each saw change in the other person and decided to start fresh. Our marriage now is WAY better than our dating life ever was... even better than what I would daydream about wanting. But I had to be willing to walk away from the man that I deeply loved and KNOW in my heart of hearts that I could be happy and cherished with or without him. That's a Hard choice to make, but standing on my own 2 feet and being ok with the thought of being a single mom was empowering too. I think we've both grown up a lot and I know I'm stronger for having gone through it. You CAN have a good relationship if you're willing to do what it takes to make it happen... But you can NOT make him do his share. The only thing you can do is take care of your half of things and hope he comes around, but be willing to let go if he doesn't. If you need a friend, feel free to PM me anytime.
  10. Regular Member
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    #10
    This sounds a lot like mine and DB's relationship before he joined the Army. In that case, he would tell people things, and me things, that would lower my self-esteem, because he was trying to convince himself that I'd never leave. Super twisted. Anyway, all that changed after he got out of training. As hard as it is, and as scary as it can be because you do love him and I'm sure you don't want to separate, you really need to put your foot down. Tell him that it's not okay for him to ignore so many opportunities to talk to you, tell him how it makes you feel, and don't back down girl! Keep strong, make him know that you are a strong, wonderful woman and you are just fine on your own. He should start to worry, and hopefully he will start to communicate more if he feels that he is jeopardizing the relationship by not calling as often as he should.

    Good luck!
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