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Thread: Man's need to be needed...

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    #1

    Man's need to be needed...

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    Well, this isn't unique to men, but DH is a man and I don't get it, so... Why is it so important for him to feel NEEDED? The discussion came up when he balked at my wanting to work outside the home or go to school, saying that he was struggling with "letting" me bc he needs me to need him. Quite confused, (bc for the 4 years b4 we got together, I was traveling with a backpack on foot, bus and plane in foreign countries) I said, "Well, of course I don't need you. I WANT you." He got so depressed over it and it's still a struggle for us... I'm just a very independent person. I like to work, to be productive, to learn and better myself. He was aware of all this b4 we got together, and it used to be one of the things he admired about me, I thought... He's been used so many times, and grew up working to help support the family, I wonder if that has anything to do with it. Does anyone have insight? How can I let him have what he wants, let him feel good, but still be true to who I am?
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    #2
    PS - I won't leave him over this, so plz no divorce suggestions. It's a issue I'm sure can be solved, I just need some ideas to throw around with him so we can find what works.
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    #3
    Everyone wants to feel needed, men innately have the urge to be "the provider" of the household. He needs to feel like you can't live without him. Is there anything that you need him to do? Are there any jobs around the house that are "honey do's"??

    My ex-Stepdad traveled about 7 months a year and he used to get really upset if he came home and we didn't need anything done, so my mom and I started a "honey do" list. Basically things that he was best at, outside things that were difficult for mom and I but could wait a couple weeks to be done...that kind of thing. So he came home to a list of things that we needed him to do and he was satisfied that he was a contributing member to the household other than monetarily.

    maybe that helps.... if not!


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    I wish it did... DH expects me to do all the housework from cleaning to cooking to bringing him a drink when he gets home... I tried having him kill roaches, but it just makes him think I'm squeamish and not that he's needed. Same thing with jars or what-not. He hates doing anything at home besides relaxing.
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    #5
    I'm what you would consider an independent person.

    However, I do NEED my husband. I need his emotional support, encouragement, and unconditional love. No matter what goes down he is insanely dependable. I need that feeling of knowing that there is someone out there who has my back. I love that it's him. He is steady. No matter what, when I need someone, he's the one I run to.

    You may need him more than you think. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but when we chose to be married, we became kind of like one entity. You just NEED your other half, even if it's unconsciously.

    Maybe just kind of rethink your definition here. You can tell him, "Of course I need you. You're my cheerleader, you are so supportive, I couldn't stand on my own without you there behind me."

    He just has to know he's important.
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    Well if you don't need him, why should he be there? You seem very independent, and that's all good, but his "letting" you work or not, is not any more insulting than you "having him kill roaches." It seems he might be picking up on your undertone of not needing anyone and being just fine and dandy by your darn self.

    People need to be needed. Perhaps it is just the implied alternative "If they don't need me then they are fine without me." IDK, I just do knw that without the feeling of being needed, there is something missing. I think it is especially true for men. Back in my early days (aka caveman days), without men, women would die. If you think we are THAT far from that innate characteristic, you are wrong . Men still want to be men and tend to not like to be with women that immasculate them.


    Crap and I forgot the obvious "without men there would be no future generations" part. Slightly important.



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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by USCsemperfi View Post
    I'm what you would consider an independent person.

    However, I do NEED my husband. I need his emotional support, encouragement, and unconditional love. No matter what goes down he is insanely dependable. I need that feeling of knowing that there is someone out there who has my back. I love that it's him. He is steady. No matter what, when I need someone, he's the one I run to.

    You may need him more than you think. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but when we chose to be married, we became kind of like one entity. You just NEED your other half, even if it's unconsciously.

    Maybe just kind of rethink your definition here. You can tell him, "Of course I need you. You're my cheerleader, you are so supportive, I couldn't stand on my own without you there behind me."

    He just has to know he's important.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by quiet_summer View Post
    Well, this isn't unique to men, but DH is a man and I don't get it, so... Why is it so important for him to feel NEEDED? The discussion came up when he balked at my wanting to work outside the home or go to school, saying that he was struggling with "letting" me bc he needs me to need him. Quite confused, (bc for the 4 years b4 we got together, I was traveling with a backpack on foot, bus and plane in foreign countries) I said, "Well, of course I don't need you. I WANT you." He got so depressed over it and it's still a struggle for us... I'm just a very independent person. I like to work, to be productive, to learn and better myself. He was aware of all this b4 we got together, and it used to be one of the things he admired about me, I thought... He's been used so many times, and grew up working to help support the family, I wonder if that has anything to do with it. Does anyone have insight? How can I let him have what he wants, let him feel good, but still be true to who I am?
    Quote Originally Posted by quiet_summer View Post
    PS - I won't leave him over this, so plz no divorce suggestions. It's a issue I'm sure can be solved, I just need some ideas to throw around with him so we can find what works.
    Quote Originally Posted by quiet_summer View Post
    I wish it did... DH expects me to do all the housework from cleaning to cooking to bringing him a drink when he gets home... I tried having him kill roaches, but it just makes him think I'm squeamish and not that he's needed. Same thing with jars or what-not. He hates doing anything at home besides relaxing.



    "If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under." - President Ronald Reagan
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    #9
    Judi - what's the whistle for? Btw, I'm terrified of roaches and he hates spiders, so we kill them for each other. I was just trying to use a little example. USC - You bring up a good point, I hadn't thought he might be asking for it that way. When he talks about it, it usually seems like he wants me to financially need him. My statement of not needing him was STRICTLY in a financial sense. The feeling I've gotten is about not being able to feed or clothe myself, not about having him in my life or depending on him emotionally. Very sorry for the misunderstanding! Thank you all for replying, please keep the feedback coming!
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    #10
    I agree with Judi89.

    The ONLY thing that kind of concerns me is saying that he is "letting" you do anything...you are an individual and getting an education or job, within reason, should not really be topics that would require "permission" IMO. That sounds a lot like a control issue...
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