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Thread: Help, please.

  1. Senior Member
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    #1

    Help, please.

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    I need some help.

    DF and I don't fight all that often, but when we do I usually end up getting so frustrated I end up saying something just to be hurtful. Typically it's a long the lines of "Well, if that's how you feel maybe we should just end it." Which isn't what I mean at all and is super manipulative of me to try and make it into a "cave or lose me" sort of deal. I know it is immature, but my blood starts boiling and I have trouble stopping myself if we continue to fight for very long.

    I do have one coping strategy, and that is to walk away and take a shower. But DF refuses to let me leave even when I say "I'm getting upset, I want to take a shower to calm down. I'll be back in 15 minutes." And by refuses to let me leave I don't mean he is physically making me stay there, but walking away with out some kind of consent would only make the situation worse and he refuses to let me take a break.

    I was wondering if anyone else has any kind of "coping" strategy to stay calm even when you're upset. Ideas to diffuse the situation? Help me state my case more clearly? Help me "not sweat the small stuff"? How to deal with him saying he doesn't understand even when I've explained it as many ways as I know how?

    I just want to end this by saying that I know we're both acting immature. And I know that we shouldn't get married until we've matured. Advice of this nature will not be that useful as I know already and plan to abide by it, already. I just want some tips and pointers to get me headed in the right direction.
  2. Am
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    #2
    You two just have to talk it out when you aren't fighting so that it can be prevented when you are. He needs to realize that you need that time and you just need to stop saying those things.

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    #3
    I think you are both in the wrong. You get manipulative (but you realize this and this is why you are asking for help). And he refuses to let you leave.

    I think you guys should maybe sit down calmly, not when your fighting or frustrated, and talk. Tell him that when things get heated, separating even just long enough to shower or cool down will help your relationship because then YOU (you OP) will not say something hurtful to him.

    But also, YOU are in control of what you say. YOU need to STOP saying something hurtful. Word vomit is preventable. You know your going to say it, literally clamp your and over your mouth and stop talking. YOU need to be in control of what you say in a fight.
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  4. Senior Member
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    #4
    Hm, talking with him when we're not upset is a good idea. I'll definitely try that. I've talked to him before but usually it is after a fight so maybe that's not the best time to discuss.

    I realize I am in control of what I say, but I would really like to find a way to avoid the feel to say hurtful things to begin with. Or another way to let myself have time to cool off like counting to ten or saving it for discussion at another time. Any tips on how to save a problem for another time and bring it back up to talk about again? Some issues are easy, but others aremore difficult. I usually forget until something else happens.
  5. Travel Junkie
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    #5
    I've learned to take in a big breath of air and exhale when I am reaching my limit. I pretty much instantly get back into check and can continue rationally.

    Sometimes I count to distract myself.
    But, I agree, the best time to talk about things is when you are both calm and not letting things fester to get you so heated.
    Good luck!
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    #6
    DB and I have never actually had a fight.. but we have a plan in place. lol Sounds silly, but it will happen eventually. Our code word is "enough." So when we eventually do exchange some heated words, we know that when the other says "Enough" that we need to back off and shelve it.
    In your case, talk when you're both getting along with each other and let him know that you want to fix it. Let him know you are taking some of the fault, too so that he doesn't feel attacked or backed into a corner. Things will get better, it will just take some work on both of your parts.
  7. The Decider
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    #7
    The book "Fighting for your Marriage" has been super helpful for us. It specifically addresses communication breakdown and how to deal with it.
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    #8
    I think communication is the thing here. You have to talk about what the core issue is before it turns into an emotional thing. Once it turns emotional there's really no controlling it. I am a scorpio and have the accompanying temper, but if I feel my concerns are being heard then it tends not to get to that anger point. I think rather than working on how to cope with the emotional part of it, learn how to improve the communication skills so it never gets there
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    #9
    I definitely agree with talking about how you fight, sometime when it's not actually happening. Without bringing up any of the specific issues you fight ABOUT, see if you can have a very straightforward discussion together about how you can both fight fair and what you both need once things DO get emotional.
  10. Senior Member
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    #10
    Thanks for the input everyone. Keep the adivce coming.

    Quote Originally Posted by LittleRed View Post
    The book "Fighting for your Marriage" has been super helpful for us. It specifically addresses communication breakdown and how to deal with it.
    I'll look into it, thanks!
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