Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Anyone else commitment-phobic?

  1. Formerly BooBoo_Bear
    SugaInMyPockets's Avatar
    SugaInMyPockets is offline
    Formerly BooBoo_Bear
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Lexington, KY
    Posts
    9,651
    #1

    Bang Head Anyone else commitment-phobic?

    Advertisements
    [I don't know where this belongs. It could be a vent. But I'm also wondering if anyone else is like this, and if you are or were, how do you deal with it?!]

    I have an issue. I realize it, which is supposed to be the first step of getting better, but I can't. And I don't know why I have such a mental block when it comes to guys.

    Every time I start to date a guy, the second I feel like he's getting too into me, I back the f off like crazy. The only guys I hold interest in are the one's who aren't that interested in me, or for some reason or another, are unobtainable. I've been dating this really sweet guy for the past month or so, and he's crazy into me, and the more he voices it, the more apprehensive I get. His whole family knows about me, even his ex does! I told my bestie that, and she went "buh-bye!" because she knows how I am!

    Meanwhile, there's a guy who lives 3 hours away who I've seen 3 times since June, who I have a huge crush on. I told him I'm applying for a job where he lives (Columbus, Ohio... I've got my brother there, a few friends, and it's only 2.5-3 hours from home). Last time I drove through without my son, I stopped by and we went out for sushi and I spent the night there (kindof. I had to leave at 330 am). Every time I see him, I like him more. I just don't know if it's because he's unachievable (he's also a single parent, and has his son on weekends, so coming to see me on his days off can't really happen), or if there's more there.

    I'm so commitment-phobic. I always have been. And it's not just with guys, it's with jobs and places to live and big purchases... anything and everything. But I also would like more kids and because of that, would like to get married, and the idea of being in love appeals to me so much.
    I'm 26. My longest relationship was with my son's dad - 2 years (18-20). Beyond that, I casually dated a guy for 9 months. And had an actual boyfriend for about 2-3 months a few times. Admittedly, my son's dad messed me up with guys even more than I already was before I met him, and for about 4 years I was no where near ready for a relationship. Now I feel like I am, but I'm a serial dater. I'll hang out with a guy until I feel like he's falling for me. Then I find something about him, be it a character flaw (too shy, smacks his lips, no goals, etc) , of something in his physical appearance (weird chin, ugly clothes, too much gel in the hair which makes it look thin and he refuses to see it and stop spiking his hair , too old, too young (both have to do with me wanting babies), bad kisser, etc), or just decide we don't have great sex, and I focus on it (or a few things if I know I'm being really superficial) and it starts to bother me really bad so I start to pull away. So now, when I meet a guy and I like him, I sit there and question if I'm just hanging out with him because he's there and he fills the time, or if I actually like him. And if he's not there to fill the time, is it just the love of the chase? It leaves me feeling like I have no clue what my feelings actually are I have no clue how to make myself stop doing this

    It's annoying. And I'm so tired of it. I just don't know how to make it better
  2. Senior Member
    QB77's Avatar
    QB77 is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    7,617
    #2
    I guess you have to decide to change; and only you can do that. You have to decide to be different to stop the things you are doing (pushing men away who are interested and are mature enough to show you that they care for you).Since this behavior touches many aspects of your life, then it seems to be more about you and less about men. If you truly want to get married, and have a family (which is a huge commitment) you must decide to behave differently and everyday work toward your goal of being emotionally mature, willing and able to build and maintain a healthy adult relationship.

    I wish you well

    Knowing is the first step...but it is the "doing" that brings change!
  3. Formerly BooBoo_Bear
    SugaInMyPockets's Avatar
    SugaInMyPockets is offline
    Formerly BooBoo_Bear
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Lexington, KY
    Posts
    9,651
    #3
    I don't know how to go about the doing
    I'm trying. I'm trying really hard to not pull away from this guy. And it's been at least a week that I've been wanting to and that I've been fighting it. I think I have a little, but I'm ok with the amount that I have for the most part. He likes to text through out the day, I'll respond in the morning, and then not really talk too much till night time. But he asked when he can come see me (he lives an hour away), and I was like "let me get back to you on that"... kinda busy week for me but I could make plans if I really wanted to.
    What I don't get is, I've got a 6 year old. And kids are a huge commitment, but I'm a pretty well-adjusted mom. He may be part of my problem...makes me feel more rushed to have more babies because I want to be done by the time he's 12 at the very latest (but prefer 10), and he also gives me a good reason to not have the time to hang out with guys. Plus. I'm probably pretty scared to introduce him to a guy as my boyfriend, and then it not work out, and break both of our hearts. But anyways, apparently I can handle commitment to some degree
  4. Senior Member
    QB77's Avatar
    QB77 is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    7,617
    #4
    I have a 6 year old son too so I understand. AND () I was (and still fight through it sometimes) sort shy with DB in the beginning. Sometimes I could feel myself fighting him, and he would ask why I was behaving like that. I ended up admitting to him that I was scared to get hurt again and so sometimes my fear would drive me to act bizarre. So we talked about it and hashed it out. I have stopped fighting him because I realized the behavior is counterproductive.

    Perhaps you should be honest with DB. tell him about your commitment-phobia and your willingness and strogn desire to change.

    CHANGE NOW....TEXT HIM AND SCHEDULE A DATE


    GO GET A BABYSITTER


    HURRY DO IT NOW BEFORE YOU TALK YOURSELF OUT OF IT....


    HURRY
    Last edited by QB77; 10-25-2010 at 12:53 PM. Reason: typos
  5. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
    Tojai's Avatar
    Tojai is offline
    Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    St. Pete FL
    Posts
    30,026


    #5
    Do you think that these "unobtainable" guys are providing something that's missing in your life? Maybe it's the attention they give you and then take away when they're busy being unobtainable. Maybe it's the feeling that someone who is sort of standoffish finds you desirable. And then that goes away when the guy genuinely likes you back ... I don't know but I think if you do some soul searching maybe you will see what they're giving you that's missing, and then a healthy way to have that for your own life and it will be easier to make a commitment.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •