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Thread: Reconnecting.

  1. Senior Member
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    #1

    Reconnecting.

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    So, several months ago - about 5 - DH and I were having some serious problems, to the point where he had brought up divorce. We've done some counseling(separate and together), I moved out for a while, we worked on ourselves, and now we're doing really awesome. However, we're not exactly where we want to be, so we're continuing to work.

    I have a question in here somewhere, but a little about us. We started dating my senior year of high school, and his first year out of school. A year later is when he decided to join the military. Slightly less than a year and a half after we'd been dating, he went to Basic. After he graduated Basic, we got engaged. He then went to California for training. He was there for like a year and a half. Then, he went to Texas for more training for 6 months. Then, he went to Korea for a year. During all of this, I was going to college in Maryland, and visiting whenever possible, which for the first 2 years was generally one week every 3-4 months...one time there was a 6 month period of not seeing each other...and one time there was 2 weeks in between visits. Then, when he was in Korea, I visited him once for a month. I am very thankful that I was able to spend that time with him, but that means that I didn't really ever live with him until a year and a half ago. So, it was almost like we didn't know each other...as when he left, I was just starting college, and he was figuring out how to get his life on track. Since then, we've both grown, and it's been hard to see each other grow since the majority of our time has been apart.

    Because of this, we feel as though we need to work on reconnecting. So, I bought The 7 Principles to Making a Marriage Work or some such like that. We started working through it, and he ended up telling me that it was not enjoyable for him at all. He felt as though it was a chore, and it just wasn't the feel I wanted from it. So, clearly that wasn't working for us. He still wants to do something to help us reconnect, as do I. So, we're looking around to see what we can kind, but I figured I'd ask you ladies if you have any suggestions? We are open to anything...even trying another book, that just wasn't the one for us. I probably don't need this disclaimer, but just in case...keep in mind...we are not made of money.


    Thanks for reading, as well as for any input you might have.
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  2. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #2
    Did he say specifically what was making your book feel like a chore? I was going to recommend the Love Dare, I did it by myself for my DH and I think it really helped things for both of us. You can also use it online so you don't have to pay any money at all.

    But I could also see how it could feel like a chore since there is a task to do every day for 40 days so I'm not sure how your DH would feel about it.
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    Oh little Chandy...first...I think it awesome that you guys both care enough to put your relationship first and work on it. It really is so easy to just walk away and be done. It takes courage to stay and fight for it so that right there says a lot about your relationship.

    I was in the same boat...I have been with my DH since I was 19 and he was 18...and yes...everyone knows that soon I will be 40 so that is a LONG EFFING time. There are times looking back that I can't believe that we made it...people change in their 20's...and again in their 30's and it is really hard sometimes to do that together.

    I would continue the counseling and just keep your communication with him as open as you can. If something is bothering you; tell him...don't bury it. Burying things breeds resentment...that is one of the biggest things I have learned in my relationship...and also I have learned to pick my battles...

    I am very proud of both you.
  4. Senior Member
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post
    Did he say specifically what was making your book feel like a chore? I was going to recommend the Love Dare, I did it by myself for my DH and I think it really helped things for both of us. You can also use it online so you don't have to pay any money at all.

    But I could also see how it could feel like a chore since there is a task to do every day for 40 days so I'm not sure how your DH would feel about it.
    He just said it was boring...and didn't keep him interested. I'll tell him to give it a look. I told him the decision upon what we do is up to him, as I feel that as long as we're doing something I'm happy. But, thanks we'll definitely give that a look.
    I misskrissyo 'cause we have a bangin' good time...emphasis on the bangin'.
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  5. Senior Member
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by decks89 View Post
    Oh little Chandy...first...I think it awesome that you guys both care enough to put your relationship first and work on it. It really is so easy to just walk away and be done. It takes courage to stay and fight for it so that right there says a lot about your relationship.

    I was in the same boat...I have been with my DH since I was 19 and he was 18...and yes...everyone knows that soon I will be 40 so that is a LONG EFFING time. There are times looking back that I can't believe that we made it...people change in their 20's...and again in their 30's and it is really hard sometimes to do that together.

    I would continue the counseling and just keep your communication with him as open as you can. If something is bothering you; tell him...don't bury it. Burying things breeds resentment...that is one of the biggest things I have learned in my relationship...and also I have learned to pick my battles...

    I am very proud of both you.
    I fought my mother far too much about being married being the right choice for me to give up when our problems are things that are able to be worked out. And, of course, the moment I told my mother we were having problems she was all, "I told you so." But, that's a different story.

    Thanks Decks. We actually aren't going to counseling anymore...the counselor told us our problems could be resolved without counseling and she didn't want to screw us out of our money. I'm going to counseling still - well currently on a hiatus to find an new counselor, but it's only been a week, and I'm asking my PCP for recommendations tomorrow.

    Telling him when something is bothering me is one of the hardest things for me to do. But, I've been pretty good about it lately. Progress makes me happy.

    But, thanks Mamma Decks.
    I misskrissyo 'cause we have a bangin' good time...emphasis on the bangin'.
    Miss[Pregg]O is my twinie!
    TatooBot! is my lesbian partner.

    My Blog Updated:Usually weekly, because I forget to update when I updated.
  6. "She who waits also serves"
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    #6
    Good for you guys and hang in there, don't be another statistic! Maybe the idea of going through the book is the problem for him.

    You might try reading a couple on your own and trying to incorporate things that way. I have read a couple of good ones including the "5 languages of love" which was really enlightening and also "proper care and feeding of husbands" by Dr Laura (Mind you I'm not a fan of most of her believes/views etc. but this book was actually quite palatable).

    Perhaps if YOU start to initiate some changes based on reading he will follow suit and be more engaged and you can just say "oh well I read this on my own" and show him a passage of what you read if he is interested.
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    #7
    What sort of book are you looking for? Reconnecting isn't the vibe I get from the title you were reading. Any sort of marriage self-help? One that makes you share about your past? Those little question books can be cute.

    Currently, we are reading "Fighting for your Marriage." It is the book used by CREDO and PREP, and was recommended to me by a Navy Chaplain. The language in it is VERY informal, which K really doesn't like, but there is apparently a new edition out that is an easier read. It is broken up into four parts: "Understanding the Risks on the Road to Lasting Love" (mostly about warning signs in handling conflict), "Teaming Up to Handle Conflict," "Enjoying Each Other," and "Staying the Course." So no matter where you're at, it has a little something that would be helpful.

    Another one that we have started is the Love Dare. I have the devotional version, which is obviously churchy (and if I recall, you are not), and has you doing one dare a week instead of one per day. I have heard awesome things about the regular 40-day Love Dare as well, though.

    The Five Love Languages is probably my favorite relationship book ever, if you haven't read that.

    I have others, but most of them have a religious base. If you're still interested, let me know and I'll dig them out.

    Also, the way you are reading it might help to reconnect. Are you reading separately and then coming together to discuss? We usually go the read together route - we sit on the couch, he reads a section, and I read the next one. It keeps both of us involved and both of us paying attention. I have also heard that a "book report" is a good way to go about things, as well. You both read the same chapter, but one of you has to present it to the other. That way, you both feel like you are actively involved in the book, you know your partner is paying attention, etc.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by AirForceGirl View Post
    Good for you guys and hang in there, don't be another statistic! Maybe the idea of going through the book is the problem for him.

    You might try reading a couple on your own and trying to incorporate things that way. I have read a couple of good ones including the "5 languages of love" which was really enlightening and also "proper care and feeding of husbands" by Dr Laura (Mind you I'm not a fan of most of her believes/views etc. but this book was actually quite palatable).

    Perhaps if YOU start to initiate some changes based on reading he will follow suit and be more engaged and you can just say "oh well I read this on my own" and show him a passage of what you read if he is interested.
    I asked him about the book thing, and if that was the issue, and he said that it wasn't. But, then again, maybe it is, and he just doesn't realize that.

    But our biggest issue is that we don't really know one another anymore, so that's not something that I can change on my own, KWIM? We're just looking for a fun way to get to know each other again. I mean, in a perfect world, we'd go away for a week somewhere and just focus on each other and learning how we've grown and such...but, alas he must work, and I must work, and going away is expensive, so it's not really an option.

    Although, my uncle is getting married in California in April or May, so I'm hoping that we will be able to both go to that and spend some extra time there together.

    But, continuing the book we were reading solo isn't a bad idea. Hmm. Maybe we could both read a different book and challenge ourselves to find out the things it asks.

    You know what. I think part of the problem is that DH is more of a do-er...he doesn't like "homeworky" type stuff...and the book we were working through was basically a bunch of exercises where you ask questions...and DH wants to "do" things rather than sit and ask questions. This is my speculation, of course, but a good point to talk to DH about.
    I misskrissyo 'cause we have a bangin' good time...emphasis on the bangin'.
    Miss[Pregg]O is my twinie!
    TatooBot! is my lesbian partner.

    My Blog Updated:Usually weekly, because I forget to update when I updated.
  9. Senior Member
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by LittleRed View Post
    What sort of book are you looking for? Reconnecting isn't the vibe I get from the title you were reading. Any sort of marriage self-help? One that makes you share about your past? Those little question books can be cute.

    Currently, we are reading "Fighting for your Marriage." It is the book used by CREDO and PREP, and was recommended to me by a Navy Chaplain. The language in it is VERY informal, which K really doesn't like, but there is apparently a new edition out that is an easier read. It is broken up into four parts: "Understanding the Risks on the Road to Lasting Love" (mostly about warning signs in handling conflict), "Teaming Up to Handle Conflict," "Enjoying Each Other," and "Staying the Course." So no matter where you're at, it has a little something that would be helpful.

    Another one that we have started is the Love Dare. I have the devotional version, which is obviously churchy (and if I recall, you are not), and has you doing one dare a week instead of one per day. I have heard awesome things about the regular 40-day Love Dare as well, though.

    The Five Love Languages is probably my favorite relationship book ever, if you haven't read that.

    I have others, but most of them have a religious base. If you're still interested, let me know and I'll dig them out.

    Also, the way you are reading it might help to reconnect. Are you reading separately and then coming together to discuss? We usually go the read together route - we sit on the couch, he reads a section, and I read the next one. It keeps both of us involved and both of us paying attention. I have also heard that a "book report" is a good way to go about things, as well. You both read the same chapter, but one of you has to present it to the other. That way, you both feel like you are actively involved in the book, you know your partner is paying attention, etc.
    I'm honestly not exactly sure what we're looking for. We're not very churchy, I guess that could also be an important tid bit. I didn't even think of that.

    But we do read/answer separately and then come together. I'd probably drive him nuts with how slow I read. But, maybe that book report idea is a good one. I like that!

    But, I will definitely look into those books! Thank you very much!
    I misskrissyo 'cause we have a bangin' good time...emphasis on the bangin'.
    Miss[Pregg]O is my twinie!
    TatooBot! is my lesbian partner.

    My Blog Updated:Usually weekly, because I forget to update when I updated.
  10. I was a GREAT mom... until I had kids.
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