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Thread: Help! Need Relationship advice from women who get it

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    Neutral Help! Need Relationship advice from women who get it

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    So I signed up for the forum because I really don't have anyone else in my life who 'gets it.' My family's not supportive of my relationship at all--generally because they don't think anything long-distance is 'real.' Thanks, nice to know i've been fake dating for a year and a half.

    My boyfriend is in the military, he's enlisted and stationed in Korea and our relationship right now is pretty good, although we did get over a rough patch a couple months ago.

    I guess I've just been thinking about my career lately. He wants to move back to the States in a couple years when he's able to, and we discussed me moving with him. Then I started thinking about my career. I have just got a degree and he doesn't have one, and I've been thinking about what will happen to my career if we stay together.

    I can't imagine that moving every few years would be good for my career, or that being an employee with a shelf life would make me promotable, or that I'd be employable everywhere he would be stationed and would be underemployed or unemployed (he wants to be career military). In general, I sacrificed a lot to get my degree and have a lot of potential earning power. But I love him.I don't want to give up my career for my relationship, but I don't want to give up my relationship...and I know that he loves his job so there's no way I could ask him to leave his own career for mine. I want to find some sort of compromise. I've been crying lately and getting depressed thinking about it but I haven't told him because I don't want him to worry. Have any of you girls felt this way?

    I was thinking of telling him my worries when he comes home from leave, I don't want to tell him over the phone, but I don't know if it's too soon to bring up or there's really no point.

    Edit: Sorry, this is kind of rambling...
  2. I'm sorry for the things I said when I was hungry.
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    #2
    lots of women have been in this position. you're right, you probably won't get promoted a lot and many have found that it's difficult to get hired as a military spouse. BUT that doesn't mean you can't find another rewarding career in a different field, or that you would be moving all the time.

    my advice is do not fear what you do not really know. wait till his time is up in korea before evaluating all this. a lot can change in a few months. you could be worrying about this when he may not even be the one for you, ya know?

    if he makes you happy and you feel fulfilled as his girlfriend, then just focus on that for now.




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    #3
    =) Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it. I'll just take it a day at a time.
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    #4
    Whitney is right...don't build things up that haven't happened yet. If you want to be with him than you two will make it work. Don't be afraid to talk about these big decisions with him. If you are in it for the long haul then you should give him a chance to have his say.
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    #5
    Unfortunately our life is not easy and it means sacrifice of some of our goals to support theirs. Is there a way that you could become self employed in what you do or take some of your skills to start your own business? If you choose to stay with him I would do everything possible to keep up your current skill sets, get jobs relating to that at whatever duty station you end up at and then when he retires you will have 20 years of experience to put into someone's business and will be a valuable asset. If you aren't prepared for that, you may have to make the hard decision and not be in a military relationship. You have to evaluate what is most important to you...and only you know what that is.





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    #6
    What is your degree in? what kind of work do you want to do? are you willing to sacrifice your career (or put it on hold) for the benefit of his?
    Has he made the military his career or is he just in it for a few years?

    Many men and women have sacrificed for marriage. Are you willing to?
    If you want my opinion on your relationship or life issues, just ask Villanelle!
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    To generally reply to the last two posts...my degree's in engineering so there's no way that I could be self-employed. I simply don't have enough experience, and (if this were the future) being self-employed would mean creating my own firm which would definitely not lend itself to relocation.

    He's indicated he wants to be career military; I'd certainly be willing to compromise but to sacrifice my career doesn't sit well with me. I invested a lot (literally) into my degree and professional certification (and I guess I'd be the breadwinner of us two) so I don't know, something I have to think about. :/ I don't want to say I'm okay with the idea and then become resentful.
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    #8
    A lot can happen in two years. Worry about two years when two years gets here.
    Carpe Diem.

    Also, you're grown. Do what you want. I think your family has legitimate concerns though.
    You've worked really hard to get where you are. If you can't compromise your career and the work you've put into it...perhaps the relationship is wrong for you.

    Also, will his lack of degree become and issue for you? Not that that makes you a bad person, you just know what you want in a partner.

    However, from what you have implied...you will not be happy being married to this guy it seems. Unfortunately he doesn't want to compromise and neither do you.

    How far is your love willing to go?

    I've been blessed beyond measure with my career choice. No matter what DH decides I can move with him. If I were in your position, though, I would have strongly considered not being with him early in the relationship. IMO 1.5 years is still really early.

    Just think on it. It's depressing but it's all you can really do.
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    #9
    I think talking to a career counselor through school might be beneficial. They might be able to help come up with creative alternatives to the normal path.
  10. Ghost
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    #10
    I have to be honest - bluntly. You are talking about a boyfriend? I wouldn't drop or move your career or make solid plans until the commitment has banked stability in terms of marriage. Love is patient. As long as you all keep communications about what you want in sight so there is no question, the sacrifices - if any are even needed - will come naturally. But again - I wouldn't make any life plans until he is your life partner.

    You are talking two years as well - as the others have said, many things can change in two years.

    I am where you are so I understand, but the one thing that I'm not sacrificing is my stride to finish something I've started and worked hard for. Since I've had to wait for him (he's also in Korea) it is only fair that he sacrifice a little longer and let me finish what I'm working on (assuming I can't take it with me).

    Is your career something you can do anywhere?
    You tell God what you want...
    but He gives you what you need...
    still ... be grateful.
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