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Thread: DH has been "too comfortable" too long!

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    #1

    DH has been "too comfortable" too long!

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    I'm going crazy!! Dh got "comfortable" and doesn't say "I love you" or kiss me anymore It's really starting to bug me so bad. In my heart I know he loves me. But in my head, I keep thinking "why won't he kiss me"? I wonder if he lost interest in me. Or if he even loves me.

    Our relationship has normal ups and downs, but nothing major. But I just feel like he's lost interest. I have brought it up just telling him how much I miss him kissing me. And him telling me he loves me. But he just doesn't get it.

    I have even gotten to the point in asking if he still loves me and is still in love with me. And he says "yes". He also goes into saying "you should know because I do the dishes and clean the house and I don't ask you to or bother you to, because I do it for you". He cleans the house one day a wk which I adore. And he does the dishes because I cook. Fair agreement we made lol.

    But I still need that affection. I still need to feel like I'm sexy to him. I feel like I don't do anything for him emotionally for him to express emotion to me (if that makes sense typed out..). I had started kissing him first, and telling him I love him, but now I just keep having that little voice in my head asking me if he's just saying/doing it to respond.

    He won't go to counseling because he has had a bad experience with one when he had to go in the past. Is there any other option in tackling this issue? Has anyone had a significant other go from being "comfortable" to "back to the beginning"?
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    #2
    The quickest way to a man's heart besides his stomach is in the bedroom lol. It sounds like maybe you guys could use a little spicing up. Kick start your love life by getting some sexy lingerie, massage oils, candles, etc.

    Aside from bedroom spicing, lol, kiss him the way you want to be kissed, and let him know how it makes you feel to kiss that way. Express your love for him, and explain how good it makes you feel to do so, and why you would like to hear how he loves you. Sometimes men don't understand how the little things can matter. If nothing else works, try getting a book about relationships, or seek out counseling.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Anchored2aSailor View Post
    The quickest way to a man's heart besides his stomach is in the bedroom lol. It sounds like maybe you guys could use a little spicing up. Kick start your love life by getting some sexy lingerie, massage oils, candles, etc.

    Aside from bedroom spicing, lol, kiss him the way you want to be kissed, and let him know how it makes you feel to kiss that way. Express your love for him, and explain how good it makes you feel to do so, and why you would like to hear how he loves you. Sometimes men don't understand how the little things can matter. If nothing else works, try getting a book about relationships, or seek out counseling.
    We have a great bedroom life, minus the kissing, unless i kiss first. lol. Especially with "bedroom accessories" lol. The kissing I do to him is the way I want to be kissed and I do tell him that's what I love him doing and what it does. I'm wondering if his attention span is really that short. Because I mentioned it again today, and he didn't remember we had a conversation about it two days ago...and what was said.

    I am thinking about starting individual counseling and find a way to ease him into it. I know he won't "just go", but maybe after a while he will. I'm just afraid that it will get worse (and I know it can!), and the worst would be divorce. I don't want that. Nowhere near that!
  4. be silly. be honest. be kind.
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    #4
    Sometimes people in relationships just have different "love languages". Yours seems to be with words and it seems like he's comfortable with serving you and doing things for you. Maybe if you just have a talk with him with more of that angle he'll understand better? Just approach him and ask "What is it that I do that makes you really feel loved?" and then have him ask you the same.
    Definitely communication, and some more communication lol
    Don't give up girl!

    "The purpose of life is not to simply be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well."
    - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by jjc433 View Post
    Sometimes people in relationships just have different "love languages". Yours seems to be with words and it seems like he's comfortable with serving you and doing things for you. Maybe if you just have a talk with him with more of that angle he'll understand better? Just approach him and ask "What is it that I do that makes you really feel loved?" and then have him ask you the same.
    Definitely communication, and some more communication lol
    Don't give up girl!
    Try reading The Love Languages book. Sounds like y'all have different languages.
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    #6
    Its tough that he's so adamant against counseling. Even if the counselor just sits there while the two of you have a conversation, you're still on neutral ground with the focused intention of talking about your relationship, which alone can be a positive experience. I had a lot of bad experience with counselors when I was a kid. Maybe including him in the process will make it easier. You take care of the beginning interview process (make sure to include his tastes/styles in the process) and then have him present for the second sweep and understand if he veto's a counselor, even if you like him/her.

    If that doesn't seem like an option and counseling is out of the question (which, by the way, most therapists won't establish a relationship with you and then do couples counseling, because they are your therapist, and their focus is you, therefore can mediate but it wouldn't be the same as couples counseling. ) I agree with the above posts. Everyone expresses love a different way.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by AmyMR View Post
    Try reading The Love Languages book. Sounds like y'all have different languages.
    I believe he does too. That is definitely one book I haven't read. I guess I will have to start a membership at my library! Thanks!
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    #8
    I was just having this problem with DB. (except in my case he's deployed)

    He honestly didn't know that him not saying "I love you" first sometimes was hurting me. I just explained to him how I was feeling about it and how I felt like I was just getting responses rather than I sincere I love you. Tell him that you need occasional verbal assurance that he really loves you. Worked with my DB, he said he's going to try harder.

    Good luck, I totally understand how you feel!
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by AmyMR View Post
    Try reading The Love Languages book. Sounds like y'all have different languages.
    I couldn't agree more! It's a good one & helps a lot!
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    #10
    Me, I'm a bit more blunt. After all the "talking" you've done, all the demonstration you shown and he still doesn't get it? Then I'd be like "alright buddy, it's like this. I miss/crave/adore your affection. When you dont' share these intimate gestures with me I feel you're treating me as if I were a room mate w/benefits.".

    I would then proceed to tell him you're going to counseling, you hope he'll join you because you care about your relationship and you can't stand by and watch it disinegrate. Then call and get an appt.

    If this type of behavior continues you will start to resent him and then you'll be in a bad situation.
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