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Thread: Trouble in paradise :-( Advice?

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    #1

    Confused Trouble in paradise :-( Advice?

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    This is my first time posting on a military chat board but I am at my last resource of advice and I'm not really sure how to handle things right now, any advice would be greatly appreciated. TIA.

    My husband and I have been married for 6 years and I will try to sum things up as not to sound too winded. Through the majority of our marriage my husband has been gone, he volunteered for two deployments (and lied to me about the first one, saying he had no choice only come to find out during the second deployment I caught him in that lie.) My hurt and feelings of betrayal sort of began around that time. I am completely torn, I am proud of my husband for wanting to serve his country, it is an amazing accomplishment. But at the same time, he has a family back home. I often feel stranded left behind with two children while he is away.

    Besides that, things have been stable for the past 10 months that he has been home from deployment. Within the past 3 months we made a move from Dallas Tx to Austin Tx because of a military job opportunity for him here. I feel like our marriage has gone downhill from then on. Absoloutely everything has been about his job position, and his rank. It's as if he needs that feeling up power and importance to be someone. I can hear the hunger in his voice when he talks about getting his E6 and he will do anything to get there. I am all about personal and professional growth and I will not hold him back form that but a few weeks ago my husband comes home to tell me he put a slot in for a 3 month school in October, November, and December so he can get his E6 faster. He casually told me this without even asking me how I felt about him being gone so soon, this school is not mandatory for him right now he is just trying to push for his E6, I just wish he would have talked to me about it. He is always gone, he is in Georgia right now for a month for work and will be missing our daughters first day of school as it is, now what, missing Holloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas again for the 3rd year in a row? I had to put my foot down, I asked him to reschedule the school for after January so he would be here for us. We just moved here and I don't know anyone and I feel so alone. All of my family is back in Dallas. When I asked him to reschedule he flipped out on me completely, he said what do you want from me? I am doing this for our family, so we can live comfortably. I'm never going to get anywhere in the military like this, do you just want me to get out?!

    I do not feel like I was asking for anything impossible, just a few more months of support before he left again. I feel so betrayed. I constantly bend over backwards to make sure the kids are taken care of while he is gone not to mention the changes my bosss constantly has to make to my work schedule while he is gone because I don't have a sitter. I don't feel like he see's what "I" am going through to take care of things. I know he supports us but I constantly feel like the militarywill always be number one and we will be number two on his list of prioroties.

    He drove to Georgia yesterday for a month and my work schedule ran behind 30 minutes while he was at home with the kids, it was beyond my control and the first time he has ever had to wait on me. It was as if the earth had shifted when I walked in the front door to our home, he grabbed his bags angrily and left for Georgia for a month. I just sat in the bathroom crying, I am at my breaking point, I don't feel like anything I do is good enough. He blows up on me and then 5 minutes later apologizes and expects everything to be fine. I'm so tired, as if I could shatter into a billion pieces in the middle of the floor and become nothing. I know he cares about us, and he takes care of us financially but his short fused temper has made it unbarable for me. I don't know what to do.
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    #2
    Sounds to me like he's being a bit selfish... I would tell him that he's already missed two other Holloweens, Thanksgivings, and Christmases and he's missing out on his children's lives. I mean you need a break sometime and he can't just run off every time he wants to, you know. Yes he wants to get his E6 and ge wants to get it NOW, but what is he going to do AFTER he gets his E6? What is he going to push for after that? You and your children need him now and I'd tell him that
    I'm so sorry girl hang in there PM my if you need anything or just need to vent.
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    #3
    Caring and supporting you financially isn't enough. He's your husband and your childrens father and he needs to be more than just a paycheck.

    And HisBabyGirl is right. What comes after he achieves this rank? There will always be another rank, promotion, job opportunity, etc.
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    #4
    I can understand someone being driven but there comes a time when you need to make sure your family is being taken care of. Not even just financially but emotionally as well!! I can not believe all that you have been putting up with.
    Does he realize how much emotional burden this puts on YOU? You are pretty much the backbone of your family. Your husband needs to understand that SOMETHING has to change bc this is causing you A LOT of stress. Being driven is such a wonderful thing but he is obsessed now.


    When you get a chance, you should introduce yourself in the newbies section also!
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    #5
    Hey! I am so sorry to hear about all the stuff your DH is putting you through. My DF has choosen to make the military his life after much deliberation between him and I. I had to explain to him that I understood that taken care of us fiancially was important, but money was not what made me happy, being with him and experiencing life with him was what was most important to me and that no matter how much or how little money we had our love would get us through. I think he finally starting to get it! When my DF and I get in a dispute over the military we take a breather from one another, so neither has anything hurtful because we love eachother and we know no matter what we can talk it out. I hope your DH listens to how your feeling and acknowledges that his presence in your and your childs lifes is more important than his paycheck!



    Peace is my wifey!!!!
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    #6

    Hey!

    Hey! I am so sorry to hear about all the stuff your DH is putting you through. My DF has choosen to make the military his life after much deliberation between him and I. I had to explain to him that I understood that taken care of us fiancially was important, but money was not what made me happy, being with him and experiencing life with him was what was most important to me and that no matter how much or how little money we had our love would get us through. I think he finally starting to get it! When my DF and I get in a dispute over the military we take a breather from one another, so neither has anything hurtful because we love eachother and we know no matter what we can talk it out. I hope your DH listens to how your feeling and acknowledges that his presence in your and your childs lifes is more important than his paycheck!



    Peace is my wifey!!!!
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    #7
    Sounds like you are in an awful position right now.

    Your husband definitely needs to understand that him being present is far more important than the money he provides. The military takes our men away from us often enough without them volunteering for extra courses they don't really need!

    Unfortunately I have no idea how you can make him understand that.

    Good luck!
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    #8
    Taking the initiative, and volunteering for deployments and schools, does look good. I can appreciate/respect anyone who wants to advance quickly, and not slack off.

    The way that your husband is going about it seems a bit over zealous for the wrong reasons. Are you having marital issues aside from his desire to succeed in the military? It seems like he is avoiding you on purpose. I think talking to a therapist might benefit you both.
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    #9
    Im sorry hun. To me it sounds like he considers his job #1 and his family #2 and that is not right. the military is just a job that like any other job will eventually end, whether from retirement or medical discharge, but his family will always be there if he needs them and he needs to appreciate you all. so i agree with all of the other women, you two need to sit down and talk and figure out what is up and why he never wants to be home and why he cant for once put you and your kids first. I am so sorry you have to be alone in a new city where you dont know anyone. I know how that feels. Im sure we all do. If you need to talk or vent just message me ok? I really hope he sits down and listens to you. good luck.

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