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Thread: Why am I so scared?

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    Neutral Why am I so scared?

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    He asked for my ring size. He said "the very important one on your left hand". I was so excited last night. But now, I'm suddenly feeling very very scared. Terrified, actually. I've been engaged before. It was a disaster. It sounds crazy but, he never told me he loved me. But, he asked me to marry him. He was a soldier. I used to always defend him. He had been through a lot in his 3 deployments. He had bad PTSD. I also fully believe he had asperger's syndrome. He showed all the signs for it, and from what information I could collect from his family and people who had known him forever, he had always showed these signs. He either had that or some other social disorder, and the PTSD didn't help it at all, to say the least. He never used to say things like "You look pretty." or "I care for you alot." or even "I love you." But the way he showed me these things, meant more than saying the words ever could. I was 17, and stupid. I loved him more than anything, and wanted more than anything to spend the rest of my life with him. But the day it all fell apart, I asked him if he loved me. He said he didn't know. He used to always tell me before he didn't know what that kind of love meant, he just knew he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. I asked him if he wanted to lose me. He said no. We went through everything you could imagine two people going through in the 2 years we were together. So, I asked him how two people could do through so much and still be in a one sided relationship. He didn't say anything. I asked him if he was ever going to love me. And he said "I've always loved you as a friend. You are my best friend." I said I was done. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but, I had to get out of it. I couldn't take it any longer. His PTSD had led him to become physically violent, he wouldn't get help for it. He wouldn't tell me he loved me. And he had requested to be deployed AGAIN. I wasn't strong enough for anything else. And things weren't going to change. It took so long for me to get over it. Don't ask me how I did, because I can't even remember. What I remember is coming home that day and getting into bed and staying there for 4 days straight. I thought I would never get out of bed again. When I got out of bed, I never thought I would leave the house again. When I left the house, I never thought I would feel comfortable in social situations again. (I had exiled myself from a lot of social things since I got with him. He hated being around people, so, it was pretty much just him and me for 2 years. I would go to school, come home, and not go out. Not to mention, everyone was kind of awful after all of it happened. They knew I was hurting beyond words could explain, it was obvious if you saw me, but yet they still always asked questions. Questions I didn't want to answer, or didn't know the answers to. And just trying to think of an answer or say his name felt like taking a bullet.) But, I did. After I did that, I never thought I'd be able to hear his name again and not fall apart. I never thought I'd be able to get over him. But I did. Then, I never thought I'd fall in love again (let alone with a soldier), but, I did. And so presents it's current issue that is making me want to go throw up.
    I love DB more than anything in the world. He is everything I have ever wanted in a man. He loves me, and tells me about a 100 times a day. My family loves him, and his family loves me. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But, why am I so scared?
    I did get over my ex. It made me stronger. What I didn't get over was the fact that I got engaged, and it didn't end well. I can't go through that again. Like I said, I don't know how I did it before. I know what happened, I just don't know HOW I did it.
    I guess I'm just terrified of it not working out again. Of something happening. Not the same thing with my ex, but, something different. What if he gets deployed and doesn't come home? What if he goes over there, and changes mentally? What if, what if, what if.
    I'm sure he's having the same problems. He got married young, and then got divorced. His marriage was a nightmare. I almost feel stupid telling him my worries because of what he went through in his first marriage. I'm also worried that if I tell him, he'll take it the wrong way. Think that I don't want to marry him. Which isn't it at all. I don't know how to word it.
    What I really wish I could do was have never gotten engaged to my ex. God knows what people will say if I get engaged to another soldier. They were awful the first time, who knows what they will say this time. And it's not that I care what other people think. I know the people that matter will be happy for me. It's just the fact that I'm already terrified and know that I will have a ton of people voicing the already what if's bouncing around in my head making me feel sick to my stomach and, well, it won't exactly help me NOT be terrified of it.
    I want to be happy like I was last night. Or even a few hours ago. I just started thinking after I told my sister and she said "Oh, another soldier?" and it's like it set off a video montage of things in my mind that I've tried for 2 years to forget, and thought I did. I just want to be happy. And I know I will be with him. So, why can't I stop being so dam n scared?

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    #3
    You're afraid what happened the first time will happen again is my guess. (it is just a guess hon so if I'm wrong, I do apologize)

    Like you say though, this is a different soldier and a totally different situation. It could also be a case of "cold feet". I hope you work through this because if you truly love and want to marry your SO, then it shouldn't matter one bit what anyone, even your sister, thinks. You have to push past that fear because beyond that is this wonderful thing called love! I hope you feel better soon hon!

    DH: Thank you. ME: For what, babe? DH: For being you.




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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by StormyGoddess View Post
    You're afraid what happened the first time will happen again is my guess. (it is just a guess hon so if I'm wrong, I do apologize)

    Like you say though, this is a different soldier and a totally different situation. It could also be a case of "cold feet". I hope you work through this because if you truly love and want to marry your SO, then it shouldn't matter one bit what anyone, even your sister, thinks. You have to push past that fear because beyond that is this wonderful thing called love! I hope you feel better soon hon!
    You took the words from my mouth. And, I think your right about the cold feet thing too. I think the cold feet syndrome ties in with all the other non-ex related what-if's. I always thought cold feet happened before the wedding, not before he even asked you to marry him. Thank you. I needed to hear that last part.

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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by WVCountryGirl View Post
    What I really wish I could do was have never gotten engaged to my ex. God knows what people will say if I get engaged to another soldier. They were awful the first time, who knows what they will say this time. And it's not that I care what other people think. I know the people that matter will be happy for me. It's just the fact that I'm already terrified and know that I will have a ton of people voicing the already what if's bouncing around in my head making me feel sick to my stomach and, well, it won't exactly help me NOT be terrified of it.
    I want to be happy like I was last night. Or even a few hours ago. I just started thinking after I told my sister and she said "Oh, another soldier?" and it's like it set off a video montage of things in my mind that I've tried for 2 years to forget, and thought I did. I just want to be happy. And I know I will be with him. So, why can't I stop being so dam n scared?

    Sweetie, there's a quote from a movie I saw, that I truly believe in because I am living it myself "The hardest thing in the world is to love a good man, after you've had a bad one."

    With that being said, your past was just that your past. I shaped you and his past shaped him into what you both are today. I believe that everyone is placed in your life during a for a specific time and a specific reason. Your ex was placed in your life at the time to strengthen you and maybe get you used to the military life, so that you can be ready to go and pumped for your hubby to be.

    As I tell many, including my parents and I told my sweetie this a few months ago to reassure him that I am not going anywhere "I'd rather stay with him and be happy and know that if its in God's Will for him to go then he will take him, then for me to be scared and take him out of my life myself by leaving him and knowing that I may have left my true love." I agree with the others, it may be a case of cold feet. I am sure that you love him and he loves you, so why deprive the both of you of that happiness, that so many cannot find.

    All I would have to say is just have faith and use that strength that you have gained from your past experiences. You will be ok. When there's two of you a lot of things are so much easier than when there is just one of you. Girl, love your man, embrace your man, and marry your man. He sound like he's a good one, because he makes you happy.

    SO FORGET WHAT EVERYONE ELSE SAYS... ITS YOUR RELATIONSHIP, YOUR HAPPINESS, YOUR LOVE, TELL THEM TO FIND THEIR OWN. AND IF THEY LOVE YOU, THEY WILL SUPPORT YOU!
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    #6
    Thank you everyone. I talked to DB last night about all of it and it's all sorted out. He even told me it's going to happen in about 3 weeks! I have no idea what he has planned but, I can guarantee it's unforgettable. Our first date was a tractor ride and a picnic ha . He reassured me of everything I needed. I'm so blessed to have him.

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