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Thread: When parents get involved..... What do I do?

  1. Regular Member
    Allybear's Avatar
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    #1

    When parents get involved..... What do I do?

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    Hi ladies,
    I have a quick question. Have any of you had to deal with the parents of DB/DH not liking you?
    My DB (if you want to call him that, we are in a complicated situation. I think of him as my DB but it's not really official though we have made it very clear that we are still in love with each other.) and I went through a really rough time where a lot of harsh things were said between his family, in particular his mother, and I, during a time when we were not together. I've recently written his mother a letter of apology including an explanation for my actions at the time not to get out of the mistake I made but rather to acknowledge my mistakes. However, I fear that our relationship will never be the same and I would really like some advice on how to handle that. I'm in a situation where I probably wont be going to be DB's BMT graduation, because I don't want to interfere in family matter. It breaks my heart to even think about missing it, but I don't want to make any drama at his event. I have not seen his family in over two years, in which time we have gone from planning our wedding, a rather painful break up, to cautiously confessing our love for one another, and now dealing with the separation of BMT.

    Any suggestions?
    Should I go to the graduation? He has put me on his list and has told me wants me there.
    How do I handle the parent situation?

    Okay maybe that's not a quick as I thought it would be.
  2. Senior Member
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    #2
    I'd say you and his mom should have a long talk about what you can do to get along, you're both very important people in your DB's life, depending on how you two communicate (either letters, phone or in person) politeness is a must. If he wants you at his Grad you should go, why not? In case his mom says something he may have a word to back you up, his feeling are there, yours are too, so why deny them and hide them?

    Having a nice relationship with MIL can be hard but it is possible. My MIL calls me every now and then and for the way she talks to me and what she tells me I can say she likes me. It's also up to you how you handle things from the past, talk to her and tell her what your thoughts about the whole situation are, I'm sure that if she knows you make her son happy, she won't find the way to break you guys up.
    ~ ♥ I'll be back soon and you won't have time to miss me ... look after my heart -♥- I've left it with you ♥♥ ~

    "We could be miles apart; you could be so far away.
    We may not see each other for months, but I know this heart would always be faithful to you.
    Distance doesn't matter, because even though you may not be beside me,
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    which makes my heart closer to you, with you in it." ♥
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    #3
    Been there before..
    I was called trash and made to feel like it from DB's family. We're going on 5 years, and have had issues from the beginning. We no longer go to church because of the hippocritical values of a lot of the people from the church, including them.

    At DB's swearing in his stepmother did call me trash in front of a whole restuaraunt because I "wasn't showing them respect" by not talking to them. It was an emotional day for me, and it was after they had told me they would not transport me there because their son (DB's brother) had a problem with me* and they didn't want to "pick sides".

    *During an stage of constant arguing DBs brother took it upon himself to say I was the *****iest person he knew, I was, as well as my family was, trailer trash, and that the best way to get through no body liking me was to kill myself. He has also told me on countless times that I'm a sad case of someone who wants people to feel sorry for me because my Dad died.. including on my Dad's birthday.

    We're fine now, she came and apologized but I still have the hostility to get as close to them as I once was. It hurts and no ammount of apologies can take back what was said.
    You just have to take the high road.. if your love is as strong as you say then just push through. Try to make it work out. But you do hvae to take into consideration that if/when you get engaged/married, you are marrying into that family.
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    #4
    Well, it sounds to me like maybe you guys are being secretive because of the past between you and DB'sM, am I right? I wasn't there, but maybe the breakup was part of it too. Seems to me DBs mom is an important part of his life.
    I would say don't go. Since you guys are not together "technically", it's a big secret, it's not your rightful place to be, it's his families, more specifically it's his mom's turf. I would however make a time when you can see him after - maybe after graduation or something.
    You have to consider mending the relationship between you and her (I know you tried with a letter) but who it's really hurting is DB.
    If you care about him, don't go.
    There will be drama on both of your guys' side, whether or not it's intentional.
    The task ahead is never as great as the power behind us.
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    #5
    He invited you, it's his place to let his Mom know you'll be there. And of course, go. You don't have to sit together, stay together ect..ect..ect.. You two may end up married and do you really want to miss this important moment in his career?

    You've apologized, the ball is now in her court. Your DB needs to intervene and find out where his Mom stands on her feelings towards you. Then he needs to explain HIS feelings for you to her. His Mom, his chore to sort out the personal conflict she may or may not have towards you.

    My MIL? haven't spoken to her in years. She was a toxic relationship and dh and I decided it was best just to remove her from our lives. We've never regretted it, and it's her loss because it was her actions that lead us to our decision. MIL or not, everyone has to face the consequences of their actions.
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    #6
    I think if he invited you, you should go. I dont get along with my childrens grandparents from their dads side and they have said some very hurtful things to me. I dont try to work things out. Im polite to them. I say hi and bye and thats that.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by graciegirl07 View Post
    Well, it sounds to me like maybe you guys are being secretive because of the past between you and DB'sM, am I right? I wasn't there, but maybe the breakup was part of it too. Seems to me DBs mom is an important part of his life.
    I would say don't go. Since you guys are not together "technically", it's a big secret, it's not your rightful place to be, it's his families, more specifically it's his mom's turf. I would however make a time when you can see him after - maybe after graduation or something.
    You have to consider mending the relationship between you and her (I know you tried with a letter) but who it's really hurting is DB.
    If you care about him, don't go.
    There will be drama on both of your guys' side, whether or not it's intentional.

    It's not so much that we are being secretive it, his parents are perfectly aware that I'm back in his life. We are simply not together because of the immediate changes that are going on in both of our lives (ie I just graduated college and he has no clue were he will be stationed). However, we are being cautious to jump back into a relationships because of the break up and the changes/maturity we have experienced in the last year or so. I've done my best to mend the relationship with his mom and have extended the invitation to meet up for coffee and try to talk things out, which she has replied "We are very busy with work, school, sports, plays, graduations, banquets,etc... I don't know if and when we could get together."
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Allybear View Post
    It's not so much that we are being secretive it, his parents are perfectly aware that I'm back in his life. We are simply not together because of the immediate changes that are going on in both of our lives (ie I just graduated college and he has no clue were he will be stationed). However, we are being cautious to jump back into a relationships because of the break up and the changes/maturity we have experienced in the last year or so. I've done my best to mend the relationship with his mom and have extended the invitation to meet up for coffee and try to talk things out, which she has replied "We are very busy with work, school, sports, plays, graduations, banquets,etc... I don't know if and when we could get together."
    I see. Well, there isn't much more that you can do on your part. I suppose if you want to go, DB should talk to his mom and tell her you will be there, and that it is important to him that you are.
    The task ahead is never as great as the power behind us.
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    #9
    I seriously kinda just went through this at my DB's bootcamp graduation a couple of weeks ago...it was awkward as hell. My advice would be to go...you don't want to miss it!!! Especially if he wants you there!!!
    Just as some others have said...take the "high road". Be kind and courteous to them...I didn't want any drama...I didn't want anything that they could hold against me.
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    #10
    If you're going to be in his life, you might as well start now. Go to the graduation. And I think it's nice that you wanted to clear the air and that you wrote that letter to his mother. You've said what you needed to say and that's it. If she doesn't accept it, then that's her problem. There's no need for you to bend over backwards and kiss her a s s trying to please her.

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