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Thread: words to the wise about the first years of marriage

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    #1

    words to the wise about the first years of marriage

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    Looking back at you marriage over the years, what advice would you offer a young married couple to help them get through the most difficult times? I thought the first few years would be like a fantasy but I am learning this is the hardest part getting to know each other as spouses and not as BF or GF.
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    #2
    I was married at 18 and separated by 20 and soon after, divorced.... That's what happens now a days with young couples.... Marriage to them is a fantasy.

    My advice is, always compromise. When your that young, you still have not grown up. You eventually will but the key is to grow together, not apart.....
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    #3
    I consider 22 (when I got married) young, but never in my dreams thought the first year would be anything close to a fantasy, I have always heard the 1st and 7th year was the hardest...

    I will be this thread for tips too!
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by His*PITA* View Post
    I consider 22 (when I got married) young, but never in my dreams thought the first year would be anything close to a fantasy, I have always heard the 1st and 7th year was the hardest...

    I will be this thread for tips too!
    How come the 7th?
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    In my opinion there are two big Cs in marriage. And I believe they are the most important things (well trust goes in there as well with these two).

    Communication and compromise. If you can't do either with your spouse than you are in for a long hard marriage. You have to be able to communicate about problems in which you will have compromise on solutions when there are problems. And having good communication (not just in regards to problems but over all about everything) makes it where things are not kept in secret and having the ability to ruin the trust aspect.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Missy_ View Post
    My advice is, always compromise. When your that young, you still have not grown up. You eventually will but the key is to grow together, not apart.....
    thanks girl this is the best advice ive heard in awhile and makes me confident about my decision to wait and not rush it. I totally agree, DB has already been married once to a girl that was not for a military relationship. So i totally see your point of view.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by lillie View Post
    How come the 7th?
    Seven year itch. It is considered that because that is when people start to get get over the newness, routine is just blah etc.

    I personally don't buy that excuse nor did I think the first year was any harder than any other year we have had.
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    #8
    I have not been married long enough to offer the amazing advice that some of these "seasoned" wives can offer, but I would like to add some things that I've realized since being married.
    The number one realization that I have had since being married is that our relationship cannot grow until I have done some serious introspection and am honest with myself. I have to "call myself out" when I am being needy, or have unrealistic expectations. I need to realize that it is not my DH's responsibility to "make me happy". Thats something I have to do. I have to realize what my shortcomings are, and then work on them. IMO, if people work on their individual self, then the marriage will naturally grow stronger.
    Communication is so important. Men and women think very different, so communication is essential to know what the other person is thinking.
    I have made a conscious effort to think about why I appreciate DH. Focusing on the positive aspects in our relationship instead of the negative things really helps me when I'm frustrated.
    (I read your other post) I hope you and your DH can find the positives in your marriage and make it work. Good luck to you!
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by lillie View Post
    How come the 7th?
    No idea, just what I have heard
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    #10
    I posted in your other thread.

    Google "learning to fight fair". Learning to do this is key.

    Also, learning that if your spouse has a different view from yours it doesn't automatically mean they are wrong. They are just voicing their opinion. Neither is right, compromise is another key.

    Respect. Respect yourself and your spouse. Swearing, belittling, talking down, bad mouthing to others are all deal breakers. This is a person you vowed to love, honor and cherish. AT ALL TIMES. Sure they will make you mad. But it doesn't give you the green light to treat them like crap. EVER.

    Setting boundaries. A marriage license isn't ownership papers. You dont' own him or his actions and vice versa. Discussing plans/dreams/expectations is how you deal with each other, and doing so respectfully.

    Finances. Set up a budget. Be clear with one another. Again, letting the other know your expecations.

    Sex. Your relationship is your own. No need to blab to your g/f's or him to his friends the intimate details. How embarrassing and disrespectful.

    No one else's relationship matters. You can't use the ole "well XXX husband does this..." that's not your relationship. Deal with your own problems in your own way. Each relationship has it's own ups and downs.

    Remaining committed. Knowing that it isn't all butterflies and s all the time. It's a mature, life altering situation, marriage. And you two need to deal with it as adults.

    Screaming louder does not make your opinion right...ever.

    Find the positives in each other and your children. Dwelling on the negatives leads to a miserable home life.

    In the military your job as a spouse, home alone is no harder than his job at work. Comparing the two is like apples and oranges. Yes, it's hard keeping the home while they are gone...but it's hard on them BEING gone. Don't compare. You just can't. Imagine if you were deployed, missing your family, scared about what's to come, in danger, working long hourse and your all your spouse can say on the phone or in emails is "I can't believe I'm here dealing with XXX by myself ALL the time and it work both ways. Learning to transition his homecomings and deployments is another key to a military lifestyle.

    These are but a few tips. Use them, learn from them.
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