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Thread: Advice, on how to talk 2 my fiance, about concerns, about a possible dv situation?

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    #1

    Help Advice, on how to talk 2 my fiance, about concerns, about a possible dv situation?

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    Dear Fellow MSOS Members,

    I need advice, on how to talk to my fiance, about my concerns, regarding a possible domestic violence situation, with a new girl, on base. This girl just got here, and she is apparently, in a controlling relationship, and has had her bf, also military, but not here, break into her voice-mails, on her cell phone, to hear my fiance's voice, inviting her to dinner, with us, and some friends. She since then, has according to my fiance confided in him for advice, on her relationship, and decided to end things, only to go back, less than 2 days later. My biggest concern, is I personally have been in this situation, in 2 previous relationships, therefore, I know, what may lie ahead for her, and also look at the fact, she confided in someone she doesn't know, at all, well being my fiance, and in these types of situations, that would be the last thing, someone would do, b/c they are being controlled and are scared. However my fiance, tend to be brief, in what he says, so no one except this girl, knows exactly what is going on, for 100%, so in my mind, my fiance needs to distance himself, along with others, out of precaution, so that in the event, this is a control freak, she is dealing with, he doesn't hurt her, out of jealousy, or hurt someone else. To my fiance, it seems as if I don't trust him, but that isn't true, I trust him, and trust my past, and the knowledge I have, on these types of situations. For me, when people tried to help me, I ended up getting hurt, or some else got hurt, and feel, he should understand my concerns, and understand, their is nothing he can do, and it's a sad fact, b/c the closer he gets, the more dangerous the her situation, possibly becomes. I am not one, to say, look the other way, on these types of situations, however, right now, that is the best solution, for everyone. And in the meantime, for him to simply report a concern to the MP's and and whoever else, that can try and monitor the situation, and try to keep her and everyone else safe. I know my fiance wants, to resolve the issue on his own, but that is not the best idea. So, how to I help him see, I trust him, it is the situation, that is unpredictable, and that I'm concerned for everyone, especially this girl, and her safety. He promised me, last night he was going to completely distance himself, from the situation, meaning have no contact whatsoever with her, and I was thankful for that, but don't want him to think I don't trust him, b/c it's the situation, that I don't trust, not him, whatsoever!

    So, if any of you all have some advice, for me, please share it, I would surely welcome it, and appreciate it, too. Thanks for your time, I look forward to hearing from you all, soon.

    Sincerely,
    MSOS Member: LovelyLisa
  2. tiffany2727
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    have you tried talking to the girl also with your fiance she might really need some help.
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    Wow that sounds like quite a situation you two are dealing with.

    I completely understand your concerns about your DF's well-being and his safety. You two really don't know what type of guy you are dealing with, and if he will snap. You don't want your DF a target because this guy thinks "he is the reason he ruined the relationship".

    Just sit down with him, maybe go out for dinner, and explain your concerns to him calmly. Tell him it's not becuase your jealous, only that you are concerned for his safety, and that you know he just wants to be of assistance and help this woman. It is a guy's instinct to help a woman in trouble, and your DF just has a huge heart.

    But, don't turn a blind-eye on the situation either. If this woman calls you scared out of her mind, or needs a place to run, you could call the MPs (I'm assuming they live on post) OR you and your DF can go to the Chaplan, which is what I would suggest for you two.

    You two need to be open with each other's concerns and work together on this as a team. But do it safely, maybe the Chaplain can offer some suggestions on how to help this woman indirectly without compromising your personal security and safety.

    This is a horrible situation, and I'm sorry you guys are dealing with this. I will be offering 'ers to that woman and sending your way. hon
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gillian_Angela View Post
    Wow that sounds like quite a situation you two are dealing with.

    I completely understand your concerns about your DF's well-being and his safety. You two really don't know what type of guy you are dealing with, and if he will snap. You don't want your DF a target because this guy thinks "he is the reason he ruined the relationship".

    Just sit down with him, maybe go out for dinner, and explain your concerns to him calmly. Tell him it's not becuase your jealous, only that you are concerned for his safety, and that you know he just wants to be of assistance and help this woman. It is a guy's instinct to help a woman in trouble, and your DF just has a huge heart.

    But, don't turn a blind-eye on the situation either. If this woman calls you scared out of her mind, or needs a place to run, you could call the MPs (I'm assuming they live on post) OR you and your DF can go to the Chaplan, which is what I would suggest for you two.

    You two need to be open with each other's concerns and work together on this as a team. But do it safely, maybe the Chaplain can offer some suggestions on how to help this woman indirectly without compromising your personal security and safety.

    This is a horrible situation, and I'm sorry you guys are dealing with this. I will be offering 'ers to that woman and sending your way. hon



    Tell him exactly what you told us
    good luck
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Gillian_Angela View Post
    Wow that sounds like quite a situation you two are dealing with.

    I completely understand your concerns about your DF's well-being and his safety. You two really don't know what type of guy you are dealing with, and if he will snap. You don't want your DF a target because this guy thinks "he is the reason he ruined the relationship".

    Just sit down with him, maybe go out for dinner, and explain your concerns to him calmly. Tell him it's not becuase your jealous, only that you are concerned for his safety, and that you know he just wants to be of assistance and help this woman. It is a guy's instinct to help a woman in trouble, and your DF just has a huge heart.

    But, don't turn a blind-eye on the situation either. If this woman calls you scared out of her mind, or needs a place to run, you could call the MPs (I'm assuming they live on post) OR you and your DF can go to the Chaplan, which is what I would suggest for you two.

    You two need to be open with each other's concerns and work together on this as a team. But do it safely, maybe the Chaplain can offer some suggestions on how to help this woman indirectly without compromising your personal security and safety.

    This is a horrible situation, and I'm sorry you guys are dealing with this. I will be offering 'ers to that woman and sending your way. hon

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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by NavyKat View Post


    Tell him exactly what you told us
    good luck
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    #7
    I agree with the other posters, and also wanted to add that you and your DF could look up the phone numbers for domestic violence shelters in your area, write them down and give them to her in case she decides to leave again--then she'll have somewhere to go, and soemone to talk to who knows what it's like to be going through what she is.
    she's lucky to have friends like you.

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