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Thread: I don't know if this is the right place to ask, but I need some opinions...

  1. Proud wife to a "Hog"
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    #1

    I don't know if this is the right place to ask, but I need some opinions...

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    Hello everyone! I am not sure if I should be bringing this up on a thread online, or just speaking with DB about it, but I would really like some input if you have it.
    Well, typically I don't speak to DB more than two times a week on the phone, and for really short times each time. When he first got to where he is, he was calling more often, and seemed that he was more cheerful on the phone, etc. I know that he is more into what he is doing now, and he sounds, well, I don't know if it's tired or mad or what, when I speak to him, and I have picked up on it. I know that the poor guy works 17 hours a day, and talking to me is probably the last thing on his mind, because he is so tired.
    So, anyway, I have told myself that I wasn't going to be available (childish, I know) whenever he calls, because I make it a point to be available to speak at a certain time each day in case he decides to call. I figured that I shouldn't always be at his "beckon call", and though I call too, he works such weird hours that he is usually not home, and I can't leave a message. I don't want to play games, but I also don't want him to expect that I am always going to be around when he decides that he is going to be available.
    Let me give a little more background. He and I have been dating for 10 months, and he means more to me than any other relationship that I have ever had. I don't want to do the "typical"girl thing and complain that he doesn't have time for the relationship. I understand that this is a sacrifice that I have to make to continue a relationship with someone in the military. Sometimes work comes before me.

    Okay, so this is the question I have...Do you feel that it's even worth me to bring it up that he sounds annoyed each time I speak to him? Is this something that I should really think, "is this really important in the long run?". I guess I should be glad that he calls me at all, being ten-kazillion miles away!!! Gosh, this deployment thing is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with!
    "There is no remedy for love but to love more"-Henry David Thoreau

    "What is that you express in your eyes? It seems to me more than all the words I have read in my life"-Walt Whitman

    "In your eyes, I am complete"-Peter Gabriel





    Laughing, as always, with my Nick
  2. Not even the Army can shatter my spirit.
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by thehime View Post
    Do you feel that it's even worth me to bring it up that he sounds annoyed each time I speak to him? Is this something that I should really think, "is this really important in the long run?". I guess I should be glad that he calls me at all, being ten-kazillion miles away!!! Gosh, this deployment thing is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with!
    The word deployment is the word I was looking for in this post because that is a *key* to the advice we give.

    He's deployed...and really...all I can suggest is that you be patient. 17 hours is A LOT. DB works 12...and yes....god love him he runs around in the morning and on his break trying to call me or AIM me or something. I am ALWAYS available because he is deployed. When he is back home for a while...that will change a tad...but I will always show my support and love for him.

    So my suggestion to you is to continue to be available when he does get the chance to call unless you are looking for no more calls at all. Deployments are high stress. And trust me. I know its stressful for us too....

    My true advice is to just stay patient and maybe just ask him if he is okay or just tired or something. Sympathize a little with the poor guy. I'm sorry if this comes off right up front but that's my nature. Open and honest. We're here for you to support you when you are not feeling like you get enough of his support. okay? Hang in there.
  3. who will drive my soul?
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by mysoldiersjuliet View Post
    The word deployment is the word I was looking for in this post because that is a *key* to the advice we give.

    He's deployed...and really...all I can suggest is that you be patient. 17 hours is A LOT. DB works 12...and yes....god love him he runs around in the morning and on his break trying to call me or AIM me or something. I am ALWAYS available because he is deployed. When he is back home for a while...that will change a tad...but I will always show my support and love for him.

    So my suggestion to you is to continue to be available when he does get the chance to call unless you are looking for no more calls at all. Deployments are high stress. And trust me. I know its stressful for us too....

    My true advice is to just stay patient and maybe just ask him if he is okay or just tired or something. Sympathize a little with the poor guy. I'm sorry if this comes off right up front but that's my nature. Open and honest. We're here for you to support you when you are not feeling like you get enough of his support. okay? Hang in there.
    completely and totally with everything she just said. great advice IMO.
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  4. ZX7Rgirl
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    Well, I'll start with a quote from your siggy: "There is no remedy for love but to love more"-Henry David Thoreau.

    If this relationship means more to you than any other, then you have to put forth a little more effort during those times when he can't put forth as much. That being said... just because he is in the military doesn't mean he shouldn't want to talk to you. A military relationship is still a relationship between 2 people, not just a one-sided thing. But it does mean that, at times, he won't have time to talk. Discuss this with him, as it's the only way you're really going to get the answers you're looking for.

    Ask him in a very gentle way if there is something between the two of you that needs to be talked about. Don't accuse him; don't say things like, "YOU aren't doing X, and YOU aren't doing Y..." Instead, say things like, "I feel that..." or, "It would mean a lot to me if...." or, "I realize how incredibly tired you must be. Just know that I am here to support you and that I love you." etc. etc. The main thing is not to make it look like you're trying to accuse him in any way- otherwise he'll get defensive and shut off the emotions!

    I know you feel like you're constantly waiting around for him to call, and you don't like it. But... you kinda are (we all are.) That's the nature of deployment! It sucks. So IMO I'd stray away from the "game playing" as you call it because that'll only put more tension between you two.

    I'm not advising you to be a doormat. Stick up for yourself, make sure you're getting out of the relationship what you need to get out of it... but love is like the tide, you know? Give and take, give and take. It's hard to tell what they're thinking when they are so far away; the best thing to do is just ask.

    I hope this helps! PM me if you want to talk.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by mysoldiersjuliet View Post
    The word deployment is the word I was looking for in this post because that is a *key* to the advice we give.

    He's deployed...and really...all I can suggest is that you be patient. 17 hours is A LOT. DB works 12...and yes....god love him he runs around in the morning and on his break trying to call me or AIM me or something. I am ALWAYS available because he is deployed. When he is back home for a while...that will change a tad...but I will always show my support and love for him.

    So my suggestion to you is to continue to be available when he does get the chance to call unless you are looking for no more calls at all. Deployments are high stress. And trust me. I know its stressful for us too....

    My true advice is to just stay patient and maybe just ask him if he is okay or just tired or something. Sympathize a little with the poor guy. I'm sorry if this comes off right up front but that's my nature. Open and honest. We're here for you to support you when you are not feeling like you get enough of his support. okay? Hang in there.
    TOTALLY
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    #6
    I guess I knew the answer to my own question. I just don't want to go through all this, and at the end of the year ask myself, "What the hell was I doing?" I don't want to come to the end and think that I wasted my time.
    I have been asking myself if it's time to get to the next level of the relationship, and that's why I am worried about all this. I know in typical relationships, you are in love and nothing can go wrong for the first 6 months, and then if it's really meant to be, then you will start a foundation for something really worth while after that. I guess it just boils down to the fact that I am scared, and unsure, and am not used to questioning myself about things. Traveling into the "great unknown" of a military relationship scares me, makes me sad, and I am not used to being at the mercy of this entity that has control over the other person's life, therefore, impacting my life. I really am not a control freak, but it's hard when you are sure what you are doing, and typically have been able to be sure of the other person in the relationship. Now, he could be sent anywhere after this tour, and I want to be around when that happens. I don't know if I could leave my life to join this other life that I have no clue about.

    Love cannot exist without trust, and I guess I have to just trust what my heart says, and trust him. I appreciate your responses, everyone
    "There is no remedy for love but to love more"-Henry David Thoreau

    "What is that you express in your eyes? It seems to me more than all the words I have read in my life"-Walt Whitman

    "In your eyes, I am complete"-Peter Gabriel





    Laughing, as always, with my Nick
  7. BJo
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    #7
    DH deployed within the first 2 months of us being together. That completely ruined any idea that the first 6 months would be kittens and roses. Military relationships are hard and you will always come second as long as he is in the air force. It sounds to me that he is exhausted. You tend to take out frutration/exhaustion on those closest to you because those are the ones you can let your guard down with.

    That being said, don't bottle up your emotions. Let him know what is bothering you but do it in a non-confrontational way. That is the last thing either one of you want to deal with.
  8. MegLoves
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    Quote Originally Posted by mysoldiersjuliet View Post
    The word deployment is the word I was looking for in this post because that is a *key* to the advice we give.

    He's deployed...and really...all I can suggest is that you be patient. 17 hours is A LOT. DB works 12...and yes....god love him he runs around in the morning and on his break trying to call me or AIM me or something. I am ALWAYS available because he is deployed. When he is back home for a while...that will change a tad...but I will always show my support and love for him.

    So my suggestion to you is to continue to be available when he does get the chance to call unless you are looking for no more calls at all. Deployments are high stress. And trust me. I know its stressful for us too....

    My true advice is to just stay patient and maybe just ask him if he is okay or just tired or something. Sympathize a little with the poor guy. I'm sorry if this comes off right up front but that's my nature. Open and honest. We're here for you to support you when you are not feeling like you get enough of his support. okay? Hang in there.
    VERY VERY good advice I myself have never been through a deployment yet but I totally can see myself following this advice!
  9. Proud wife to a "Hog"
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    #9
    Well, I did speak with DB last night, and without even being prompted by me, he apologized for being distant lately. He said that he has been really busy with work (which I knew, they were doing some extra things, and he had been working nights), and he also has been sick (the guy is NEVER sick). I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders...I am glad that I didn't have a major freak out toward him, and I am sorry that I felt bad enough to post what was going on here. Does anyone else suffer from too much time left to think? I have been worried this entire time, and though it wasn't just in my mind (he realized he was distant), being a girl, I over-analyzed, and thought it was something else.
    Oh, and he is going TDY in April, and coming to the states...he is going where my office has a branch, and since he will be working while there, I figured that I would visit him, and could work while he was, and not have to use my vacation time...seems that he thought that I was going solely to work, not see him, so that was another point of contention. We talked about that, and it was a big misunderstanding.....

    Ah, I feel so much better, and I appreciated the advice that everyone put on here. I can't promise that this won't happen again, but I am still learning. I am glad I didn't do a typical, "knee-jerk reaction" that I would have done with everyone else, and believe me everyone, I have been known to do that.
    "There is no remedy for love but to love more"-Henry David Thoreau

    "What is that you express in your eyes? It seems to me more than all the words I have read in my life"-Walt Whitman

    "In your eyes, I am complete"-Peter Gabriel





    Laughing, as always, with my Nick

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