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Thread: Any advice? (warning, it's long!)

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    ashleyd's Avatar
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    Aug 2007

    Any advice? (warning, it's long!)

    I think db is depressed. Over the past few months, he's changed. He only calls me a few times a week, when he used to call every day. (we're long distance- cali and ga). Often he won't answer my calls or texts. When I confront him about it, he says he's not trying to be distant, that he's just really tired and he'll try to do better. But he never does better. There are many nights I stay up waiting on promised phone calls that never come. He always sounds tired and down when I do talk to him. I know he's pulling away from me (he did this once before when dealing with depression) but I'm at a loss for what to do. I want to be there for him and support him but I don't know how to help him. A close friend told me that I can't "rescue" him and that attempting to do so would just push him away. I want to give him his space, but at the same time I don't know how to get what I want from our relationship. I love this boy with all my heart and he knows that. But I can't keep going on like this. I'm really stressed out. I've lost nearly 15 pounds in the last few months and my hair is thinning.
    Yesterday really did things in for me. I only got a text from db saying happy valentine's day. Which was fine, I didn't want or expect a gift, but I did want him to call me and that never happened. This is where it gets crazy. I got flowers from another guy yesterday afternoon. He's a friend of mine and the card said "from your east coast admirer" so I sent the guy a text thanking him and didn't think anything else of it. Last night I went out to dinner with some friends. After dinner, the flower guy asked me to go walk with him. I told him no, it was cold outside and whatever he wanted to tell me he could tell me right there. He pleaded for me to go walk with him, and our other friends were like just go, so reluctantly did. The guy had rented out a horse-drawn carriage for me. (the guy spent over $100!) I told him I can't be doing things like this because I have a boyfriend. He understood that and was respectful of boundaries. He didn't try to pull any moves and he let me have the blanket on the carriage while he froze his butt off. I asked him directly what his intentions were with all this and he said nothing, that it's Valentine's day and he just wanted to do something nice for me. I thanked him, but I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I mean, I would be pissed if some girl wanted to do something like that for db since he would be alone on V-day. But anyways, it kind of put things in perspective for me. Here's this guy who wants to treat me like gold and then db doesn't even take twenty minutes out of his day to call me. I don't want to be with the other guy by any means. I love my boyfriend and he's the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. But why can't he treat me like that? I can't seem to get through to him and I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread.
  2. No one loves their mother like her boys!
    jessica707's Avatar
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    No one loves their mother like her boys!
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    Dec 2006
    Luke AFB,Arizona
    wow I would talk with him about getting couseling for himself and both of you guys. I hope it works out
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    redhd21's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica707 View Post
    wow I would talk with him about getting couseling for himself and both of you guys. I hope it works out
    I agree...
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    Gosh, honey, that is so hard. I agree with the other girls about talking to him...he does sound like he *may* be depressed. Maybe you could phrase it in a non-threatening way--just saying, "Hey, I've noticed that you've been distant and sound sad lately, and it's hurting me that you are hurting. I love you but I don't know how to help you feel better. Have you thought about talking to someone about it?" If he is depressed, he probably knows something is wrong on some level and just doesn't want to admit it to himself--maybe he's ashamed, or afraid of what his friends or you will think of him. I have seen the other ladies on here post that the best bet for a servicemember is to speak with a chaplain first about what's going on because of the potential conflicts that mental health care can cause with some servicemembers MOS.

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