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Thread: Need help ASAP

  1. Fresh Newbie
    Airfgirlfriend's Avatar
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    #1

    Need help ASAP

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    Me and my boyfriend have had the stereotypical relationship... best friends as kids turns to romance later. We got together after his return from bmt. He promised me then he would never leave me again.

    This is where the story gets complicated and I need advice.

    After he left he was gone for 10 months and returned for leave, everything was perfect and we seemed at the peak of our relationship. He left me to go back to where he is stationed and I stayed behind because I am in college. I went to a party one night a few months after he had left and was sexually assaulted, I was followed back to my room by a man at the party. After that happened my SO was cold and distant. We moved passed it eventually or so I thought... A couple of week after I thought everything was fine he began acting distant again. He says he still loves me and wants to be with me our engagement is still on and everything is okay, but his attitude doesn't reflect it. It's almost as if he doesn't appreciate me anymore and I go above and beyond despite how incredibly hard this long distance is for me and him. It feels like I'm the only one giving 100%. I feel as though it's just cause he's so homesick... He won't get to come home for another 6 months though.

    Did anyone else's SO go through a phase of distant and just complete lack of caring for anything? Please let me know and offer any advice you can. Thank you.
  2. Senior Member
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by Airfgirlfriend View Post
    Me and my boyfriend have had the stereotypical relationship... best friends as kids turns to romance later. We got together after his return from bmt. He promised me then he would never leave me again.

    This is where the story gets complicated and I need advice.

    After he left he was gone for 10 months and returned for leave, everything was perfect and we seemed at the peak of our relationship. He left me to go back to where he is stationed and I stayed behind because I am in college. I went to a party one night a few months after he had left and was sexually assaulted, I was followed back to my room by a man at the party. After that happened my SO was cold and distant. We moved passed it eventually or so I thought... A couple of week after I thought everything was fine he began acting distant again. He says he still loves me and wants to be with me our engagement is still on and everything is okay, but his attitude doesn't reflect it. It's almost as if he doesn't appreciate me anymore and I go above and beyond despite how incredibly hard this long distance is for me and him. It feels like I'm the only one giving 100%. I feel as though it's just cause he's so homesick... He won't get to come home for another 6 months though.

    Did anyone else's SO go through a phase of distant and just complete lack of caring for anything? Please let me know and offer any advice you can. Thank you.
    Do you believe that he blames you for being sexually assaulted?




  3. Senior Member
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    #3
    I'm sorry that you had to endure all that.

    It's really hard from your post to tell what might be going on. The fact that you mention the assault suggests that it's weighing pretty heavily on you and that you feel it might still be a contributing factor. Have you talked about it at all with him? How did that conversation go? Perhaps it is time to bring it up again.

    If you plan on marrying this person, you both need to be able to communicate clearly. Everyone has struggles and rough patches, during which they may not be able to give 100% to the relationship, but it's not far to do that without communicating what is happening to your partner. So I guess my general advice is to tell him essentially what you told us, make it clear that you understand if he has something going on, but that you need to know what it is both so you can best support and and just so you aren't left feeling confused and unsure. If he can't give you that, you guys are in for a very long haul if you get married, I'm afraid.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #4
    You didn't cheat on him, you were sexually assaulted, if you feel that he isn't supporting you and is somehow blaming you for what happened that doesn't sound healthy and I personally wouldn't recommend marrying someone like that.

    There is another option that could cause him to be distant, it's that HE feels guilty for not being there to protect you from this person who assaulted you. My hope would be this is actually his issue.

    However, whatever the issue, you need to discuss it, get to the bottom of it, and resolve it so you have the love and support you need for yourself to work through this traumatic experience. Have you looked into counseling? Most college campuses have someone on site that can do that (at least back when I went to school) and it can be super helpful. That way even if he is distant or unwilling to communicate you can work through your own feelings about everything...

    You cannot choose how someone else behaves, you can only choose how you behave and what you're willing to tolerate. Every relationship has ups and downs and long distance is certainly it's own strain on a relationship. It's possible he is stressed or busy or upset but unless he's willing to discuss it with you your guess is likely better than any of our guesses as to what is going on because you actually know him. I would focus on yourself, you went through a really traumatic event, seek counseling, figure out yourself, and hopefully he comes around. If he doesn't, maybe it's for the best you find out now what he's like when the chips are down because life is full of random surprises both good and bad and you need a partner who has your back when shit gets real.
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    #5
    Could it be that the trauma from your assault is causing anxiety? I have an anxiety disorder and when I'm not on top of it, it makes me start overthinking everyhing. Sometimes when it gets bad I think my husband is mad at me even when he tells me he's not.
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    #6
    I have anxiety disorder too and I constantly feel like heís upset even if heís not but lately itís been more than usual.
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    #7
    He tells me that he doesnít but sometimes it feels that way

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