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Thread: Halfway through and he broke up with me out of the blue.

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    #1

    Halfway through and he broke up with me out of the blue.

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    DB is on his fourth deployment. This is my first with him and my first relationship with someone in the military. He's had a challenged past when it comes to relationships and deployments (cheating, breakups), but with me he had no fears. We jumped in feet first and our relationship moved very quickly from the time he told me of his deployment. Luckily, I am able to communicate with him everyday (messenger, snapchat, etc). I sent him a letter of encouragement each day, which I write on notecards and he fills his room with the love and positivity. I send him care packages each week. He and my daughter write letters to each other. He and my daughter have this not-so-secret that we're getting married when he comes back. Our conversations have been nothing but positive. We tell each other how much we mean to each other, talk about our plans and excitement for the future and spending our lives together, we've decorated the bedroom together for when he comes back and we all move in together. Then day before Thanksgiving he mentioned something about how he feels like he's not showing me that he loves me. I've been going through some challenges here (my parents split, family conflict, being layed off due to downsizing) all at once. I expressed that I was concerned I was adding stress with everything I have going on at the moment. He assures me that he loves me. Then Thursday he tells me he's in a slump, he's numb, and he can't seem to get traction. He vaguely mentions something about not bringing me down with him. I know he's been going through some stuff with work with added responsibilities and that his battle is leaving for R&R the next day. Friday morning he asks if we should take a break to figure ourselves out, then says for him to figure himself out more than anything. I am blown away. I tell him that I signed up to be there for him, to love him, to wait for him, to support him and encourage him, to take care of things while he is away, and that I'm not about to bail because things things get hard. He says he's lost. I tell him, "Well let's be lost together then." He says he doesn't want to give me any false notions about the expectations and that he can't promise anything because he doesn't have anything inside to give. When I ask him if we are together, he says, "No. I need to be alone for a while." He immediately changes his Facebook status to single. I tried calling him, but he didn't answer. He messages me the later that night and says he took medication to help him sleep. I send him a message, tell him that I'm not giving up on him or us, and that I'll be here for him. He responded, "Thank you for being upfront." That response was so empty and so cold it was like a gut punch. He asked me how I slept. We exchanged casual conversation for a few minutes. He said he had been messaging with his battle who left for R&R. I ask him about his belongings at my house, specifically the dogs. I ask if someone is going to show up and try to take them. He responds, not unless that's what I want. His dog is his therapy dog and is the most important thing to him. Does this mean he plans to come back to me? I tell him I love him. He says that he wants to tell me, but he doesn't want to lie. He tells me not to blame myself. At this point, I have no idea who I'm talking to anymore. It's like a light switch has been flipped. He says he's emotionally empty and just wants to be alone; that he doesn't want to socialize. However he's still very active on facebook, posting moreso than usual. I have found out that he has deleted and blocked most of my friends and family. I also noticed that I am no longer his "best friend" on SnapChat, meaning he's snapping someone a lot. I can assume that he's just keeping in contact with his battle, but I can't wrap my head around this thing. Every day with this man has been an absolute dream and we make each other so happy. We were planning to spend our lives together and then this. He messaged me today and said, "Hey. How are you doing?" I couldn't bring myself to respond. My entire world is crashing and I'm struggling to even breathe. What do I do? It's almost Christmas and his 30th birthday and I have about 6 care packages completed and ready to send. Do I continue to send a letter a day? Care packages? He told me that he took some of the stuff down in his room. It feels like I'm the only person he's trying to isolate himself from. I'm so lost and I have no one to talk to about this. I have no military support of people that understand the dynamic of the situation. Someone please tell me that I am not alone. I don't know what to do. I just don't understand what happened.
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by Elizabeth_bz View Post
    DB is on his fourth deployment. This is my first with him and my first relationship with someone in the military. He's had a challenged past when it comes to relationships and deployments (cheating, breakups), but with me he had no fears. We jumped in feet first and our relationship moved very quickly from the time he told me of his deployment. Luckily, I am able to communicate with him everyday (messenger, snapchat, etc). I sent him a letter of encouragement each day, which I write on notecards and he fills his room with the love and positivity. I send him care packages each week. He and my daughter write letters to each other. He and my daughter have this not-so-secret that we're getting married when he comes back. Our conversations have been nothing but positive. We tell each other how much we mean to each other, talk about our plans and excitement for the future and spending our lives together, we've decorated the bedroom together for when he comes back and we all move in together. Then day before Thanksgiving he mentioned something about how he feels like he's not showing me that he loves me. I've been going through some challenges here (my parents split, family conflict, being layed off due to downsizing) all at once. I expressed that I was concerned I was adding stress with everything I have going on at the moment. He assures me that he loves me. Then Thursday he tells me he's in a slump, he's numb, and he can't seem to get traction. He vaguely mentions something about not bringing me down with him. I know he's been going through some stuff with work with added responsibilities and that his battle is leaving for R&R the next day. Friday morning he asks if we should take a break to figure ourselves out, then says for him to figure himself out more than anything. I am blown away. I tell him that I signed up to be there for him, to love him, to wait for him, to support him and encourage him, to take care of things while he is away, and that I'm not about to bail because things things get hard. He says he's lost. I tell him, "Well let's be lost together then." He says he doesn't want to give me any false notions about the expectations and that he can't promise anything because he doesn't have anything inside to give. When I ask him if we are together, he says, "No. I need to be alone for a while." He immediately changes his Facebook status to single. I tried calling him, but he didn't answer. He messages me the later that night and says he took medication to help him sleep. I send him a message, tell him that I'm not giving up on him or us, and that I'll be here for him. He responded, "Thank you for being upfront." That response was so empty and so cold it was like a gut punch. He asked me how I slept. We exchanged casual conversation for a few minutes. He said he had been messaging with his battle who left for R&R. I ask him about his belongings at my house, specifically the dogs. I ask if someone is going to show up and try to take them. He responds, not unless that's what I want. His dog is his therapy dog and is the most important thing to him. Does this mean he plans to come back to me? I tell him I love him. He says that he wants to tell me, but he doesn't want to lie. He tells me not to blame myself. At this point, I have no idea who I'm talking to anymore. It's like a light switch has been flipped. He says he's emotionally empty and just wants to be alone; that he doesn't want to socialize. However he's still very active on facebook, posting moreso than usual. I have found out that he has deleted and blocked most of my friends and family. I also noticed that I am no longer his "best friend" on SnapChat, meaning he's snapping someone a lot. I can assume that he's just keeping in contact with his battle, but I can't wrap my head around this thing. Every day with this man has been an absolute dream and we make each other so happy. We were planning to spend our lives together and then this. He messaged me today and said, "Hey. How are you doing?" I couldn't bring myself to respond. My entire world is crashing and I'm struggling to even breathe. What do I do? It's almost Christmas and his 30th birthday and I have about 6 care packages completed and ready to send. Do I continue to send a letter a day? Care packages? He told me that he took some of the stuff down in his room. It feels like I'm the only person he's trying to isolate himself from. I'm so lost and I have no one to talk to about this. I have no military support of people that understand the dynamic of the situation. Someone please tell me that I am not alone. I don't know what to do. I just don't understand what happened.
    Bottom line: he broke up with you. He says it is because he doesn't want to give you any "false notations about the expectations" and doesn't want to "bring you down with him." In other words, as harsh as it may be, he doesn't want you. He doesn't want you to be by his side in general or to help him through with whatever he's going through. Grieve your relationship and move forward with your life.

    Do you know his friend? I would reach out to him and let him know he's said some concerning things about how he feels and to keep an eye out. If you can, give his belongings to a friend or family member of his and ask that someone come get his dogs. He doesn't get to string you along or use you as a personal kennel; he chose to end your relationship, and by continuing casual contact and asking you to keep his dogs he's doing just that.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elizabeth_bz View Post
    DB is on his fourth deployment. This is my first with him and my first relationship with someone in the military. He's had a challenged past when it comes to relationships and deployments (cheating, breakups), but with me he had no fears. We jumped in feet first and our relationship moved very quickly from the time he told me of his deployment. Luckily, I am able to communicate with him everyday (messenger, snapchat, etc). I sent him a letter of encouragement each day, which I write on notecards and he fills his room with the love and positivity. I send him care packages each week. He and my daughter write letters to each other. He and my daughter have this not-so-secret that we're getting married when he comes back. Our conversations have been nothing but positive. We tell each other how much we mean to each other, talk about our plans and excitement for the future and spending our lives together, we've decorated the bedroom together for when he comes back and we all move in together. Then day before Thanksgiving he mentioned something about how he feels like he's not showing me that he loves me. I've been going through some challenges here (my parents split, family conflict, being layed off due to downsizing) all at once. I expressed that I was concerned I was adding stress with everything I have going on at the moment. He assures me that he loves me. Then Thursday he tells me he's in a slump, he's numb, and he can't seem to get traction. He vaguely mentions something about not bringing me down with him. I know he's been going through some stuff with work with added responsibilities and that his battle is leaving for R&R the next day. Friday morning he asks if we should take a break to figure ourselves out, then says for him to figure himself out more than anything. I am blown away. I tell him that I signed up to be there for him, to love him, to wait for him, to support him and encourage him, to take care of things while he is away, and that I'm not about to bail because things things get hard. He says he's lost. I tell him, "Well let's be lost together then." He says he doesn't want to give me any false notions about the expectations and that he can't promise anything because he doesn't have anything inside to give. When I ask him if we are together, he says, "No. I need to be alone for a while." He immediately changes his Facebook status to single. I tried calling him, but he didn't answer. He messages me the later that night and says he took medication to help him sleep. I send him a message, tell him that I'm not giving up on him or us, and that I'll be here for him. He responded, "Thank you for being upfront." That response was so empty and so cold it was like a gut punch. He asked me how I slept. We exchanged casual conversation for a few minutes. He said he had been messaging with his battle who left for R&R. I ask him about his belongings at my house, specifically the dogs. I ask if someone is going to show up and try to take them. He responds, not unless that's what I want. His dog is his therapy dog and is the most important thing to him. Does this mean he plans to come back to me? I tell him I love him. He says that he wants to tell me, but he doesn't want to lie. He tells me not to blame myself. At this point, I have no idea who I'm talking to anymore. It's like a light switch has been flipped. He says he's emotionally empty and just wants to be alone; that he doesn't want to socialize. However he's still very active on facebook, posting moreso than usual. I have found out that he has deleted and blocked most of my friends and family. I also noticed that I am no longer his "best friend" on SnapChat, meaning he's snapping someone a lot. I can assume that he's just keeping in contact with his battle, but I can't wrap my head around this thing. Every day with this man has been an absolute dream and we make each other so happy. We were planning to spend our lives together and then this. He messaged me today and said, "Hey. How are you doing?" I couldn't bring myself to respond. My entire world is crashing and I'm struggling to even breathe. What do I do? It's almost Christmas and his 30th birthday and I have about 6 care packages completed and ready to send. Do I continue to send a letter a day? Care packages? He told me that he took some of the stuff down in his room. It feels like I'm the only person he's trying to isolate himself from. I'm so lost and I have no one to talk to about this. I have no military support of people that understand the dynamic of the situation. Someone please tell me that I am not alone. I don't know what to do. I just don't understand what happened.
    I am so sorry you're going through this. That super sucks! If you need to vent or talk you can message me, I will gladly listen. To me from what you said the part I highlighted says everything, it sucks and it is shitty and painful but if he has the balls to tell you he'd be lying if he said he loves you I think you're done, you and your daughter deserve better than someone who would just drop you out of nowhere! Even if he turned his shit around and came back apologizing in a couple days/weeks/months I would be hard pressed to accept an apology from someone who flat out said they didn't love me anymore...

    Like Carolina said you're not his kennel, he broke up with you, you don't owe him anything! And you definitely don't have to take care of his belongings or his animal while he's gone. If you want to that's your choice but I feel like that would make moving on insanely difficult!

    Again I am sooooo sorry this is happening. I know men can be stupid and deployments can be very difficult but if you weren't arguing at all and this came completely out of the blue and he has been so direct about you guys not being together anymore I have to say don't wait for him, move on with your life.
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    #4
    I'm sorry. That sounds very confusing and painful.

    In the end, this man has made a decision that he does not want you in his life. You even pushed back and he held firm in that decision. Whatever his reasons, he is telling you he doesn't want you.

    It's time to allow yourself to start mourning this and healing, so that you can move on and find someone who can't imagine choosing to live without you, not someone who can't be bothered to fight for you.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    I'm going to be different than the others.. to me it sounds like a man going through depression and possibly PTSD. He seems to be saying irrational things. A man who is ready to give up and break up would not leave his precious dog behind, and would not continue to talk to you and ask you how your day is.

    If it were me, I would continue to send the packages and the messages, and continue as normal, and continue to be as if the relationship hasn't ended.

    Many times with deployments emotions become overwhelming. It sounds like he already had some possible medical (likely mental) issues prior, given he has a service dog. If he wasn't in a great mind set, any severe emotional changes (such as his battle going on R&R and he is not), can have a great effect - like him thinking he isn't good enough for you, etc. The fact he is saying he feels numb inside speaks volumes, and to me its a cry for help.

    I wouldn't give up. I would continue to keep this relationship alive. When he does return be open-minded and accept anything he has to say, even if its something you do not want to hear. This situation is one that needs to be discussed and resolved in person, but until that can happen, I wouldn't stop communicating with hiim while he is gone. This is a hurdle that the two of you may have to overcome.

    There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't
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    Quote Originally Posted by TrishAFSpouse View Post
    I'm going to be different than the others.. to me it sounds like a man going through depression and possibly PTSD. He seems to be saying irrational things. A man who is ready to give up and break up would not leave his precious dog behind, and would not continue to talk to you and ask you how your day is.

    If it were me, I would continue to send the packages and the messages, and continue as normal, and continue to be as if the relationship hasn't ended.

    Many times with deployments emotions become overwhelming. It sounds like he already had some possible medical (likely mental) issues prior, given he has a service dog. If he wasn't in a great mind set, any severe emotional changes (such as his battle going on R&R and he is not), can have a great effect - like him thinking he isn't good enough for you, etc. The fact he is saying he feels numb inside speaks volumes, and to me its a cry for help.

    I wouldn't give up. I would continue to keep this relationship alive. When he does return be open-minded and accept anything he has to say, even if its something you do not want to hear. This situation is one that needs to be discussed and resolved in person, but until that can happen, I wouldn't stop communicating with hiim while he is gone. This is a hurdle that the two of you may have to overcome.
    So you're saying that OP should continue to fight for a relationship and be there for a person who flat out said he didn't want to be in a relationship with her and could not tell her he loved her? Depression, PTSD, whatever possible illness aside, she doesn't deserve to be strung along. She can pass any concerns along to his buddy so he can keep an eye out and remain open minded about the reasoning, but until he's been properly diagnosed by a professional the bottom line is he dumped her for his personal reasons. To stick around pining for a relationship hoping their struggle is due to an illness is...torture.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Carolina View Post
    So you're saying that OP should continue to fight for a relationship and be there for a person who flat out said he didn't want to be in a relationship with her and could not tell her he loved her? Depression, PTSD, whatever possible illness aside, she doesn't deserve to be strung along. She can pass any concerns along to his buddy so he can keep an eye out and remain open minded about the reasoning, but until he's been properly diagnosed by a professional the bottom line is he dumped her for his personal reasons. To stick around pining for a relationship hoping their struggle is due to an illness is...torture.
    Without knowing what the issue is, is it fair to either of them to just give up if it is a mental problem? if he has depression or PTSD, is it fair to just give up on him? I was just speaking my two cents, without knowing either of these people, and relaying what i've experienced with others personally, it sounds similar to a person with depression.

    How do any of us know if he truly wants to dump her? We don't. Just like we don't know if he wants to stay. But IMO its crass of us to tell her 'girl just accept the fact he's out'... when that may not even be true. Say she gives up and just lets him say these things, and she moves on, even though truly loving him, and he comes back and she finds out he was just going through some things and wasn't really wanting to break up, how does she get that lost time back? What's the harm in keeping hope and not giving up for another 6 months or so?

    She asked for advice and opinion, and I gave it. It is no more right or wrong than what anyone else says. My opinion matters as much or little as yours or the next person, OP can choose to do with it what she wants.

    There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't
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    If you think in your gut that's your person there's always the option of working it out down the road, but I wouldn't put my life on hold for someone who flat out said they don't love you when in the past they said they did?! And I would be super hesitant to work things out, I would want 100% honesty and open communication to even consider it...but that's me.

    Not all relationships are 100% smooth sailing, DB and I broke up at the start of our relationship. I thought he was my person and he ended things, he said he wasn't ready for a serious commitment. I was devastated but I kept living my life, I went on a girls weekend, saw a concert, met someone else there and started dating someone new...eventually DB came back (literally on both knees) asking for a second chance...when I said I was dating someone else he cried at missing his chance (which if you know DB he doesn't cry, ever) I took some time to figure things out, I talked to him and we communicated about everything, a lot of truths came out on both sides...eventually we worked through it and never broke up again and that was years ago but I didn't and would never just put my life on hold for someone who didn't make me their priority. DB still comments on how he was a moron when he met me...

    DB also says guys say what they mean they aren't subtle and the don't infer double meanings like women, like when I say "all good" or "I'm fine" he calls me on it and is like "we both know you're not so just spill" and I do, when he's not fine he says "I'm pissed off" he doesn't ever hide it, he says what he means right off the bat. DB said he wasn't ready, which was true...if your man had said he wasn't ready I would likely also say keep supporting him as a friend until he is ready...but to say he doesn't love you, I don't like that...in my opinion he's keeping the line of communication open to keep you on the back burner, my ex-husband was like that, he always had several women on the back burner, so to me it's a red flag, but I don't know your man and am giving advice based on my own history so it could be all wrong in your particular case. But no matter what I wouldn't put my life on hold for someone who said they didn't love me, had DB said that when we broke up I wouldn't have bothered even opening the door let along working things out.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by TrishAFSpouse View Post
    Without knowing what the issue is, is it fair to either of them to just give up if it is a mental problem? if he has depression or PTSD, is it fair to just give up on him? I was just speaking my two cents, without knowing either of these people, and relaying what i've experienced with others personally, it sounds similar to a person with depression.

    How do any of us know if he truly wants to dump her? We don't. Just like we don't know if he wants to stay. But IMO its crass of us to tell her 'girl just accept the fact he's out'... when that may not even be true. Say she gives up and just lets him say these things, and she moves on, even though truly loving him, and he comes back and she finds out he was just going through some things and wasn't really wanting to break up, how does she get that lost time back? What's the harm in keeping hope and not giving up for another 6 months or so?

    She asked for advice and opinion, and I gave it. It is no more right or wrong than what anyone else says. My opinion matters as much or little as yours or the next person, OP can choose to do with it what she wants.
    There's a lot of harm in that. She allows herself to continue loving someone who doesn't feel the same, the self esteem issues, the dependency issues, the fact she's grasping at straws clinging to a person who said he doesn't love her? You can never get time back, but you can move forward. Intentionally setting yourself up for a heartbreak is IMO the wasted time.

    I just think it's odd to tell someone to continue holding onto a one-sided relationship on the off chance the issues are caused by depression or PTSD.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Carolina View Post
    There's a lot of harm in that. She allows herself to continue loving someone who doesn't feel the same, the self esteem issues, the dependency issues, the fact she's grasping at straws clinging to a person who said he doesn't love her? You can never get time back, but you can move forward. Intentionally setting yourself up for a heartbreak is IMO the wasted time.

    I just think it's odd to tell someone to continue holding onto a one-sided relationship on the off chance the issues are caused by depression or PTSD.
    Isn't it also odd to assume he truly wants to dump her without knowing them?

    I don't read it as her grasping for straws, or being dependent upon him. I simply read it as she is confused as to why its happening and asking opinion/advice. OP said herself how what he is saying is out of the blue and not normal.

    Its my opinion, its different than others, doesn't make it wrong or right, only different.

    There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't
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