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Thread: Dumped pre-deployment : is it just me or the distance?

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    Confused Dumped pre-deployment : is it just me or the distance?

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    Hi everyone,

    I feel like someone just pulled the rug out from under me.

    My boyfriend of a year and a half just told me that he has chosen to sign on for a 3 year deployment (6 month intervals) beginning this June, and that he did not want me to be on this path with him and that it was over between us.

    Heís been a Marine reserve for 6 years with no deployments, and I knew this when we first met and we went to the birthday ball in November. Out of the blue, on Easter Sunday he told me that he received an email that his unit would have a handful of people deploying overseas in the coming months and asked me how I felt about it and how I would react.

    I should note that we do not live together, and have been navigating a sort of LDR for the course of our relationship, roughly 2hr drive but weíve been making it work and staying with each other every weekend and calling/texting throughout the week. We had begun discussing how taking the next step for us would look and when that would happen. I have been pushing more for it then he was, but I backed off a couple months ago to give him some time to think and process it since I would likely be moving closer to where he was since his job was not as flexible as mine. He expressed some hesitation as far as timing, but I thought that his reservations were based on the present circumstances, not that he was unhappy with our relationship. During our time together, we have gone through a lot but have also had a lot of fun and have traveled and gone on trips with my family etc. I thought all things were going well, and really saw us staying together for the long term.

    After the initial mention of a deployment on Easter, he let me know that he would receive more news at his upcoming drill and would let me know when he heard more. Everything was carrying on as normal, no change in levels of affection or how he treated me etc. After the drill, he told me that it would be a 6 month deployment with a few months for pre-training. At this point we talked extensively on how he would manage it, what he would do for storage, I expressed my fears of him leaving but also assured him that we could make it work and push through it. He was not as confident and was scared that we wouldnít be able to handle the distance and time after knowing and hearing so many of his friends and his siblings who also served several tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. I told him that despite all of that, I was still willing and ready to try because I believed that what we had could make it.

    This past weekend he went to drill, and we talked like normal on Saturday night and everything seemed fine. Sunday came, and I was trying to prepare to receive the news. I received a text at the normal time drills ended that he was coming over because we needed to talk. At this point I knew that something was coming that I didnít want to hear, so tried to stay calm. When he arrived, his face looked different, he was in full Marine mode. It sounded as though he had a speech prepared and was delivering something he was coached to say Ė nothing sounded like him. He told me the choice that he made to go on the deployment. He said that he couldnít give me what I wanted, and didnít want me to wait for him for 3 years and that I will find someone else who will make me happy. He couldnít look at me while he was talking, and I saw that he was trying to hold it together and that he wasnít saying something that he wanted to really say. I pushed back and refused to hear what he was saying because it was so off from where I thought we were. I asked why we couldnít try, why was he so unwilling to consider trying it out and see how it goes. He said that he had already been trying for months with us and that he just wasnít happy and that he no longer loved me. He said he had been thinking about it and didnít see a future for us. He said that if we tried pushing through the long distance we would just get married after the 3 years because thatís what people do, but didnít know if either of us would be happy with that or if we would be doing it just to go along with it. He said he should know by now if he was sure about US as a couple, and since it hadnít, he didnít want to waste my time and pursue it any longer. That this would have happened anyway, but considering the circumstances, itís just happening faster. He asked if I had any more questions and tried to leave. He protested, but I hugged him anyway. He was stiff. He said that I was only making it harder and that he couldnít stay to watch me cry because it would make him cry and that he should have just called me so that he could hang up.

    Of all the time that I have known him, I have never seen him behave so callously towards anyone. I donít know if he was trying to be hurtful so that I wouldnít hold on to any hope of staying together and protecting me from what could happen overseas or if he wants to go in to fulfill his duty without having to worry about me or if any of it matters now that he has made his decision.

    Iím just trying to get a better grasp on it and if there might be a way to make the relationship work by giving him time. Let me know what you all make of it
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    Confused Dumped pre-deployment - anything I can do?

    Hi everyone,

    I feel like someone just pulled the rug out from under me.

    My boyfriend of a year and a half just told me that he has chosen to sign on for a 3 year deployment (6 month intervals) beginning this June, and that he did not want me to be on this path with him and that it was over between us.

    Heís been a Marine reserve for 6 years, and I knew this when we first met and we went to the birthday ball in November. Out of the blue, on Easter Sunday he told me that he received an email that his unit would have a handful of people deploying overseas in the coming months and asked me how I felt about it and how I would react.

    I should note that we do not live together, and have been navigating a sort of LDR for the course of our relationship, roughly 2hr drive but weíve been making it work and staying with each other every weekend and calling/texting throughout the week. We had begun discussing how taking the next step for us would look and when that would happen. I have been pushing more for it then he was, but I backed off a couple months ago to give him some time to think and process it since I would likely be moving closer to where he was since his job was not as flexible as mine. He expressed some hesitation as far as timing, but I thought that his reservations were based on the present circumstances, not that he was unhappy with our relationship. During our time together, we have gone through a lot but have also had a lot of fun and have traveled and gone on trips with my family etc. I thought all things were going well, and really saw us staying together for the long term.

    After the initial mention of a deployment on Easter, he let me know that he would receive more news at his upcoming drill and would let me know when he heard more. Everything was carrying on as normal, no change in levels of affection or how he treated me etc. After the drill, he told me that it would be a 6 month deployment with a few months for pre-training. At this point we talked extensively on how he would manage it, what he would do for storage, I expressed my fears of him leaving but also assured him that we could make it work and push through it. He was not as confident and was scared that we wouldnít be able to handle the distance and time after knowing and hearing so many of his friends and his siblings who also served several tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. I told him that despite all of that, I was still willing and ready to try because I believed that what we had could make it.

    This past weekend he went to drill, and we talked like normal on Saturday night and everything seemed fine. Sunday came, and I was trying to prepare to receive the news. I received a text at the normal time drills ended that he was coming over because we needed to talk. At this point I knew that something was coming that I didnít want to hear, so tried to stay calm. When he arrived, his face looked different, he was in full Marine mode. It sounded as though he had a speech prepared and was delivering something he was coached to say Ė nothing sounded like him. He told me the choice that he made to go on the deployment. He said that he couldnít give me what I wanted, and didnít want me to wait for him for 3 years and that I will find someone else who will make me happy. He couldnít look at me while he was talking, and I saw that he was trying to hold it together and that he wasnít saying something that he wanted to really say. I pushed back and refused to hear what he was saying because it was so off from where I thought we were. I asked why we couldnít try, why was he so unwilling to consider trying it out and see how it goes. He said that he had already been trying for months with us and that he just wasnít happy and that he no longer loved me. He said he had been thinking about it and didnít see a future for us. He said that if we tried pushing through the long distance we would just get married after the 3 years because thatís what people do, but didnít know if either of us would be happy with that or if we would be doing it just to go along with it. He said he should know by now if he was sure about US as a couple, and since it hadnít, he didnít want to waste my time and pursue it any longer. That this would have happened anyway, but considering the circumstances, itís just happening faster. He asked if I had any more questions and tried to leave. He protested, but I hugged him anyway. He was stiff. He said that I was only making it harder and that he couldnít stay to watch me cry because it would make him cry and that he should have just called me so that he could hang up.

    Of all the time that I have known him, I have never seen him behave so callously towards anyone. I donít know if he was trying to be hurtful so that I wouldnít hold on to any hope of staying together and protecting me from what could happen overseas or if he wants to go in to fulfill his duty without having to worry about me or if any of it matters now that he has made his decision.

    Iím just trying to get a better grasp on it and if there might be a way to make the relationship work by giving him time. Let me know what you all make of it
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    #3
    I had this happen to me quite a few years ago. I cried, sulked, then moved on and found a man that wanted me and loved me through everything.

    This is very heartbreaking for you but if he doesn't want the relationship then why pursue it? It will just be painful. He may very well regret this decision later but your first concern should be you and your happiness and well being. Sorry for the bluntness but it's not okay to go through a lot of drama and senseless emotional damage for someone that is done.
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    #4
    Sorry to hear that you are going through this painful break-up You should believe his words as harsh it sounds .I have been exactly where you been and kept running after the guy .Please stay strong and suround yourself around posetive people .
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by ThumperJane View Post
    I had this happen to me quite a few years ago. I cried, sulked, then moved on and found a man that wanted me and loved me through everything.

    This is very heartbreaking for you but if he doesn't want the relationship then why pursue it? It will just be painful. He may very well regret this decision later but your first concern should be you and your happiness and well being. Sorry for the bluntness but it's not okay to go through a lot of drama and senseless emotional damage for someone that is done.

    DH: Thank you. ME: For what, babe? DH: For being you.




  6. Do or do not... There is no try.~ Yoda, Jedi Master
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    #6
    Merged like threads as it is against TOS to post like items in different areas and of the boards.
    I'm not Lynn, but we ARE MSOS Best Friends and MSOS Twins.
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    Hi Crystal - sorry! Wasn't aware. Won't happen again
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    #8
    I saw you posted on another person's thread but I posted this back here since my response is directed towards you and not that particular thread's OP.

    I agree and understand that any man or woman deploying will have a lot on their plate and will be pre-occupied with their safety and predeployment training. However, a person that loves you -- really, truly loves you and cares for you would not drop you like a bad habit. Do they tell their parents or siblings to take a hike, I'm too busy? No, they still maintain that relationship. They keep their friends as well. They may not chat with them daily but they don't cut them out of their life. I have gone through several deployments with DH when he was a DB and a DF. He never once found out about a deployment and decided it would be too hard on him or me or us and break up with me. He prepared me. He talked to me. He informed me of what to expect. He took me to his office and introduced me to those people that would be there in case of an emergency. He gave me phone numbers and access to his truck and money, etc. He did this as my boyfriend, before we ever even discussed marriage.

    So I don't agree with you that he did this for his well-being. If that was the case, then he should drop every person in his life and become a turtle.

    However, I also understand you are hurting from this loss and are hoping for a friendship or even a rekindling. You obviously have a big heart and are positive and see a lot of good in people. There are not enough people like that in the world. I'm old and crusty and I tolerate zero of what I perceive as poop wrapped up in pretty poop package. The ladies here give good advice, albeit may not be the advice we want to hear.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by JBailey2 View Post
    Hi everyone,

    I feel like someone just pulled the rug out from under me.

    My boyfriend of a year and a half just told me that he has chosen to sign on for a 3 year deployment (6 month intervals) beginning this June, and that he did not want me to be on this path with him and that it was over between us.

    He’s been a Marine reserve for 6 years, and I knew this when we first met and we went to the birthday ball in November. Out of the blue, on Easter Sunday he told me that he received an email that his unit would have a handful of people deploying overseas in the coming months and asked me how I felt about it and how I would react.

    I should note that we do not live together, and have been navigating a sort of LDR for the course of our relationship, roughly 2hr drive but we’ve been making it work and staying with each other every weekend and calling/texting throughout the week. We had begun discussing how taking the next step for us would look and when that would happen. I have been pushing more for it then he was, but I backed off a couple months ago to give him some time to think and process it since I would likely be moving closer to where he was since his job was not as flexible as mine. He expressed some hesitation as far as timing, but I thought that his reservations were based on the present circumstances, not that he was unhappy with our relationship. During our time together, we have gone through a lot but have also had a lot of fun and have traveled and gone on trips with my family etc. I thought all things were going well, and really saw us staying together for the long term.

    After the initial mention of a deployment on Easter, he let me know that he would receive more news at his upcoming drill and would let me know when he heard more. Everything was carrying on as normal, no change in levels of affection or how he treated me etc. After the drill, he told me that it would be a 6 month deployment with a few months for pre-training. At this point we talked extensively on how he would manage it, what he would do for storage, I expressed my fears of him leaving but also assured him that we could make it work and push through it. He was not as confident and was scared that we wouldn’t be able to handle the distance and time after knowing and hearing so many of his friends and his siblings who also served several tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. I told him that despite all of that, I was still willing and ready to try because I believed that what we had could make it.

    This past weekend he went to drill, and we talked like normal on Saturday night and everything seemed fine. Sunday came, and I was trying to prepare to receive the news. I received a text at the normal time drills ended that he was coming over because we needed to talk. At this point I knew that something was coming that I didn’t want to hear, so tried to stay calm. When he arrived, his face looked different, he was in full Marine mode. It sounded as though he had a speech prepared and was delivering something he was coached to say – nothing sounded like him. He told me the choice that he made to go on the deployment. He said that he couldn’t give me what I wanted, and didn’t want me to wait for him for 3 years and that I will find someone else who will make me happy. He couldn’t look at me while he was talking, and I saw that he was trying to hold it together and that he wasn’t saying something that he wanted to really say. I pushed back and refused to hear what he was saying because it was so off from where I thought we were. I asked why we couldn’t try, why was he so unwilling to consider trying it out and see how it goes. He said that he had already been trying for months with us and that he just wasn’t happy and that he no longer loved me. He said he had been thinking about it and didn’t see a future for us. He said that if we tried pushing through the long distance we would just get married after the 3 years because that’s what people do, but didn’t know if either of us would be happy with that or if we would be doing it just to go along with it. He said he should know by now if he was sure about US as a couple, and since it hadn’t, he didn’t want to waste my time and pursue it any longer. That this would have happened anyway, but considering the circumstances, it’s just happening faster. He asked if I had any more questions and tried to leave. He protested, but I hugged him anyway. He was stiff. He said that I was only making it harder and that he couldn’t stay to watch me cry because it would make him cry and that he should have just called me so that he could hang up.

    Of all the time that I have known him, I have never seen him behave so callously towards anyone. I don’t know if he was trying to be hurtful so that I wouldn’t hold on to any hope of staying together and protecting me from what could happen overseas or if he wants to go in to fulfill his duty without having to worry about me or if any of it matters now that he has made his decision.

    I’m just trying to get a better grasp on it and if there might be a way to make the relationship work by giving him time. Let me know what you all make of it
    I think the bolded is your answer. He has said loud and clear that he no longer wants to be with you, the deployment might just be a convenient excuse. Don't you want to be with someone that wants to be with you? Of course you do.

    I would stop replaying all of the good memories in your head (easier said than done, I know). Cut off all contact with him, and start working on yourself, because you are strong, capable, and shouldn't wait around for someone who does not see you or your relationship as worthy of working through whatever issues and anxieties he might be having.

    It's going to suck, and be hard, and be painful, but you'll get through it. Trust me.
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    #10
    I don't know if he has actually deployed yet but for me it was MUCH easier putting myself first once he left. I think the hardest part has been remembering who i thought he was and realizing thats not who he is anymore. Its extremely disappointing after everything I've ever shared with him. Thinking you know someone so well and all of a sudden you don't.
    I would absolutely cut off contact. That is something i was dreading to do but when i finally did it help my healing so much. I got rid of snapchat cause i know he would post on it, wouldn't check my Facebook cause of course he posts what he is doing all the time. Checking his profile or what he posts always reopens the wound. He actually started add ex girlfriends and new girls and thats when i drew the line and figured out the kind of person he is. Throughout this whole breakup i didn't do anything at all to make him hurt more, unfortunately he is being spiteful and doing a lot to make me hurt. I don't want someone like that as my significant other.
    Sorry i got so into my story but i think its time to realize your value. If he doesn't love you enough to even try then he doesn't love you. I promise life goes on and it'll take sometime to heal, but you will.
    Accept what is, let go of what was, & have faith in what will be.
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