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Thread: Fixing problems while also growing

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    #1

    Fixing problems while also growing

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    So I am super new to LDR that is this far. I have been in a long distance relationship before but he was away for college and a 2.5 hour plane ride away. So this is a little different since he is in Hawaii & in the army.

    We have been dating a pretty long time & there are issues that I want to fix within our relationship but I am not sure how. I always feel "bad" addressing anything because I don't want him to feel like the only time we talk/see each other it is me "complaining"

    I know he is going to propose/want to get married soon & I don't want to say no but I also don't want to say yes if things are going to stay the way there are


    Any advice?
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    #2
    I'd tell him basically what you said here, that you want to address some things that are issues for you so you can work on them before taking the next step. Like give him some time to prepare for that conversation and tell him to think about anything he'd like to work on, and schedule a time when you're both free from distractions to talk about it all. Maybe that way he won't feel attacked?
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    So the next question would be how long after having after discussing the issues should I give? What I mean is after talking about this problems, what is a good amount of time that they should be "fixed" in, this is only for the problems that could be considered "easy fixes" ..?
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    #4
    For your second question, I guess it would really depend on what the issues are. Like if you want him to quit smoking, that takes some time, it also takes time to stay non-smoking. A year would be a safe bet on smoking. (IMO) But if it is he's not calling you enough, that will either happen right away or it won't. It will be up to you to decide if it is a deal breaker or not.

    Also, think about what you are asking to fix/change to see if you are really changing the person. For example, my DH loves dirt bikes/snowmobiles/other toys. It sometimes drives me nuts because he spends time on those things when I think time could be spent on something else, but we compromise. We set a budget on how much he can spend and I communicate my needs when I want him to spend time either with me or our daughter.

    Finally, if the issue is a make-it-or-break-it issue and you are going to give it a time frame, stick with it. Ultimatums are useless unless you are going to follow through with them.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by bungirl View Post
    So the next question would be how long after having after discussing the issues should I give? What I mean is after talking about this problems, what is a good amount of time that they should be "fixed" in, this is only for the problems that could be considered "easy fixes" ..?
    It's hard to say without knowing specifics. Idk that I'd give deadlines, when I think of issues you might be having long distance I think of things like trust, communication, etc and I'd expect effort to be put forth immediately going forward. Is it possible to give examples or are you purposely trying to keep it all private?
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    "Professionalizing" his facebook, I know this might sound superficial but facebook is a big FAMILY communication tool for the both of us. I make sure that I am considerate of what I am posting because I have his family on there & I know that if I posted something that he might not 100% have a problem with, but his family does, it would then become a problem for him. Which makes sense. I just want the same for me. He has things on his facebook (not a lot relative to what is on there) that I would like for him to maybe get rid of so that it is more "approachable"

    This isn't necessarily a "deal breaker" but I know it would/will cause problems in our relationship. Both of our families are on the more critical side and sometimes I feel like I bend over backwards for him & his family but I don't FEEL like the same is returned to me.

    All the other things are things that I know take more time/they aren't really AS important to me
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    I would say that is going to be a hard one. His Facebook page is where he gets to express who he is. If he is comfortable having certain things on his Facebook page and people reading them, why should it be a problem? If family members have a problem with what is on his Facebook page they can either not read it or not follow him or whatever can't they? I must be missing something.
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    #8
    What is the nature of the things you'd like him to remove? The one thing I ask my boyfriend not to post on Facebook is anything sexual, including tagging me in the comments of a sexual post, just because all of my family will see it and that's awkward. If he wants me to see it he can send me a screenshot.
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    #9
    Maybe you can ask him to change the privacy settings on the posts you are concerned about so that your family cannot see them or make a specific privacy setting for new posts. Depends on what kind of posts you're talking about though.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by kt_bug View Post
    Maybe you can ask him to change the privacy settings on the posts you are concerned about so that your family cannot see them or make a specific privacy setting for new posts. Depends on what kind of posts you're talking about though.
    This would be my suggestion, maybe he can post certain things to a limited audience that excludes your family.

    I get the upset there though. My ex husband had all of my family on his Facebook and he shared so much stupid shit, it was totally embarrassing. Idk if that's the kind of thing you're talking about or if he just gets overly political etc etc but I get how something that seems petty becomes a big deal. As for a timeline there, I think it's unfair to expect him to go through his entire timeline and delete things but I would expect him to change it in the future, just the privacy settings if not the nature of his posts in general.

    I would also maybe approach it from like "you know my family is ridiculous and I don't want to have to answer questions about this, can you please do this for me to save me the trouble" rather than like "this is embarrassing" so he doesn't take it as HE is embarrassing.
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