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Thread: Long Distance Relationship Advice Needed, Please

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    Confused Long Distance Relationship Advice Needed, Please

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    Hello Everyone,

    I'm new to this site and new to a Long Distance Relationship. I met my DB back in middle school and our friendship blossomed at the end of our senior year. We had the entire summer to spend getting to know each other. Then he left for BCT and AIT. It was really hard for me to see him leave and I've been writing a journal to help cope a little. Anyways, I came to college this fall and we did the usual letter communication. Then he graduated and went to his AIT. Unfortunately, my college schedule didn't allow for me to travel to his graduation. I still feel guilty for not being able to go, especially since his family couldn't make it either. Since he has more privileges in AIT, he's been calling me instead of writing letters.
    One of his phone calls, he noticed that I wasn't very... excited? I guess he just noticed something was wrong and I didn't really want to share my worries, since I've read that I'm suppose to be mostly positive. I mean, he doesn't need to have another reason to worry about me and college when he should be focused on his job, right? We ended the conversation on a sour note. Then next time he called, I sorted out my feelings and told him that I had been thinking about the future and our relationship. He reassured me and said that we'll work things out. Except I don't know how we will. His plan for the rest of his life is military. I don't think I'm ready, or strong enough, for that kind of a relationship. A relationship with lots of phone calls and barely any time to see each other. A relationship without much dating, really. I'm just a college kid and he's talking about many years dedicated to the military.
    I don't know what to do. I'm confused and worried. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!
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    #2
    I don't know where you read you are supposed to be mostly positive. That's ridiculous, and it is unhealthy for your relationship. (Which you've kind of seen already, because he could tell you were hiding something and it caused an issue for you guys.)

    Would you want to keep his concerns from you just because he didn't want to worry you? Would you feel he has less of a right to share his life with you because you may be doing something hard? You can be sensitive with how and when you deliver information, but don't hide yourself from him.

    That said, not every relationship is right for every person. Having the right man isn't enough; it also needs to be the right circumstances. Maybe it's time put some thought in to whether this is the right circumstance for you.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #3
    I agree with villanelle 100%. You have to honestly think whether or not you want to be in the kind of relationship this would be. Long distance is hard whether it is military or not. Better to think about these things before you get too deep you know? But I also want to say that I had a friend in college who stayed with her highschool boyfriend while they went to college in different states and they got married when they graduated and it was all great for them. So it is possible. But it's not going to be easy. And if it isnt what you want you have to be honest about it.

    Also, the positive thing. That is not at all true. If he were home would you pretend that everything was okay and not tell him the things that upset you? Probably not. It should be the same for long distance. When my boyfriend was deployed I still spent part of our conversations telling him what was going on in my life the good and the bad (and there was plenty since it was my senior year of college).
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    Thank you, to both villanelle and Kaseyna, for your advice.With that, I will hopefully be able to make up my mind about what I would like. Perhaps these are not the right circumstances. Thank you again!
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by ShortEmbers View Post
    Hello Everyone,

    I'm new to this site and new to a Long Distance Relationship. I met my DB back in middle school and our friendship blossomed at the end of our senior year. We had the entire summer to spend getting to know each other. Then he left for BCT and AIT. It was really hard for me to see him leave and I've been writing a journal to help cope a little. Anyways, I came to college this fall and we did the usual letter communication. Then he graduated and went to his AIT. Unfortunately, my college schedule didn't allow for me to travel to his graduation. I still feel guilty for not being able to go, especially since his family couldn't make it either. Since he has more privileges in AIT, he's been calling me instead of writing letters.
    One of his phone calls, he noticed that I wasn't very... excited? I guess he just noticed something was wrong and I didn't really want to share my worries, since I've read that I'm suppose to be mostly positive. I mean, he doesn't need to have another reason to worry about me and college when he should be focused on his job, right? We ended the conversation on a sour note. Then next time he called, I sorted out my feelings and told him that I had been thinking about the future and our relationship. He reassured me and said that we'll work things out. Except I don't know how we will. His plan for the rest of his life is military. I don't think I'm ready, or strong enough, for that kind of a relationship. A relationship with lots of phone calls and barely any time to see each other. A relationship without much dating, really. I'm just a college kid and he's talking about many years dedicated to the military.
    I don't know what to do. I'm confused and worried. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!
    You don't have avoid talking about issues that are bothering you just because he's in the military. In LDRs communication is especially important. Tell him you concerns. Come up with a solution together.
    His plan right now is to go career but in most cases that doesn't happen. I wouldn't let that worry you just yet.
    At AIT/MOS school he can't take leave so spending time together is pretty much not going to happen. But once he's at his permanent station he'll be able to take leave and you'll be able to visit.

    A lot of girls on here, myself included, have been in an LDR and made it work. But, it's not for everyone. You need to decide if this is what you want.




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    #6
    A big factor in having a successful LDR is definitely timing. I was in a couple of LDRs prior to dating my current boyfriend, and they were not military and they were still challenging. I was in college during one of them, and we were high school sweethearts and talked about marriage all the time. It seemed so great at the time, despite the distance. That obviously didn't last because we're not together anymore and I've moved on, but I've never regretted it and in hindsight I realized that although he was everything I wanted at the time, it just wasn't the best timing. We had so much growing up to do lol. It's been about 5 years since then (it's crazy how much can change in 5 years) and I've learned a lot and since my boyfriend just went into the Navy, I know we will be in LDR situations frequently. However, this time around I've learned from my past and I feel like now that I'm older, I'm really ready to commit myself to this new life that we're about to take on. My boyfriend is the same way, he went in at 24 years old, which is kinda old for an enlisted first time sailor, so he has had a lot of time to fool around and try new things and figure out what he truly wants for his future.

    I hope you come to some solution and figure out what you want. Life just flies by and you really need to make sure you're keeping your happiness a priority!
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