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Thread: Hurt and Confused--Needing Advice

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    #1

    Hurt and Confused--Needing Advice

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    Hello,
    My name is Courtney, I've been dating my fiance for almost 2 years now. We met in high school, and we fell completely in love. When we went off to college, I stayed in Ohio and he went to Houston for school. That ended up not working so well for him, so after a semester he decided that he needed to get control of his life and join the National Guard. Initially, I was scared out of my mind. I am not really the kind of girl that likes to be alone, so I was concerned about the amount of time he would be spending away from me. He is getting trained to be a combat medic, so I was prepared to spend around 6 months waiting for him while he finished up training. The first 4 or 5 went pretty well, we did the whole love letter thing in the beginning when all we could do was write to each other. Even then, though, I was having a hard time being away from him for so long. In September, I was counting down the days until he came home--I only had a month to go. We were talking every day and everything seemed perfect. Then, with 4 weeks of training left, he broke his wrist.

    So 6 months of training turned into 10 real fast. I was devastated. I had never experienced pain like this before, and I did not know how to handle it. This is when things went downhill. He stated being distant, not really talking to me that much. We would skype and he just seemed angry at me, and I didn't know why. A week ago, he "broke up" with me. He told me it was because he just found out that he is most likely getting deployed in the summer and if I can hardly handle training there is no way I'll be able to handle a deployment. Again, I was devastated. This is the man that I want to marry, and now he's just gone? I couldn't believe it. Well, not even a day later, he texted me a string of pictures of us together saying "I'm sorry, I made a horrible mistake, I love you," and all that. Well we got back together, and things have just been strange. I'm worried about him and where out relationship is heading. He says he doesn't feel anything anymore, I don't even know what that means. He doesn't even know if he loves me anymore. He says his head and his heart are confused and he needs tot be with me again so he can figure things out.

    Please, I need advice on what to do. He won't even say he loves me anymore. He says he doesn't want to say it if he's not sure he means it. He's not sleeping, he's obviously distressed. I want to do everything I can for him, I love him so much. I just hate seeing him so upset and unsure about our relationship. He says he's changed since he left and he doesn't know if I'll love the new him...it's all just so confusing. He gets to come home in about a month and a half for Christmas break, and I think that is when he'll decide if he wants to stay with me.

    Is this just a phase? Is there something really wrong with him, or is it me? I need all the help I can get, so I would really appreciate any advice you guys have to offer.
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    #2

    Hurt and Confused--Needing Advice

    Hello,
    My name is Courtney, I've been dating my fiance for almost 2 years now. We met in high school, and we fell completely in love. When we went off to college, I stayed in Ohio and he went to Houston for school. That ended up not working so well for him, so after a semester he decided that he needed to get control of his life and join the National Guard. Initially, I was scared out of my mind. I am not really the kind of girl that likes to be alone, so I was concerned about the amount of time he would be spending away from me. He is getting trained to be a combat medic, so I was prepared to spend around 6 months waiting for him while he finished up training. The first 4 or 5 went pretty well, we did the whole love letter thing in the beginning when all we could do was write to each other. Even then, though, I was having a hard time being away from him for so long. In September, I was counting down the days until he came home--I only had a month to go. We were talking every day and everything seemed perfect. Then, with 4 weeks of training left, he broke his wrist.

    So 6 months of training turned into 10 real fast. I was devastated. I had never experienced pain like this before, and I did not know how to handle it. This is when things went downhill. He stated being distant, not really talking to me that much. We would skype and he just seemed angry at me, and I didn't know why. A week ago, he "broke up" with me. He told me it was because he just found out that he is most likely getting deployed in the summer and if I can hardly handle training there is no way I'll be able to handle a deployment. Again, I was devastated. This is the man that I want to marry, and now he's just gone? I couldn't believe it. Well, not even a day later, he texted me a string of pictures of us together saying "I'm sorry, I made a horrible mistake, I love you," and all that. Well we got back together, and things have just been strange. I'm worried about him and where out relationship is heading. He says he doesn't feel anything anymore, I don't even know what that means. He doesn't even know if he loves me anymore. He says his head and his heart are confused and he needs tot be with me again so he can figure things out.

    Please, I need advice on what to do. He won't even say he loves me anymore. He says he doesn't want to say it if he's not sure he means it. He's not sleeping, he's obviously distressed. I want to do everything I can for him, I love him so much. I just hate seeing him so upset and unsure about our relationship. He says he's changed since he left and he doesn't know if I'll love the new him...it's all just so confusing. He gets to come home in about a month and a half for Christmas break, and I think that is when he'll decide if he wants to stay with me.

    Is this just a phase? Is there something really wrong with him, or is it me? I need all the help I can get, so I would really appreciate any advice you guys have to offer.
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    #3
    It doesn't sound like just a phase, because it's lasted a while now. (The timeline in your post isn't really clear though.) No one can really tell you what to do, but in your shoes, I'd move on. This guy has already broken up with you once, and now he says he feels nothing and doesn't even know if he loves you. He's going to come home at Christmas and take you for a test drive to see if he still loves you? That's bullshit. You know whether you love someone, and if you don't know, you don't love them. I can't imagine just sitting around and waiting for some dude to decide if I'm worth it or not. Screw that. Move on and find someone who would do whatever it takes to keep you in his life, not a person who kind of sees you as optional. If he decides he still loves you, then you just roll over and take all this nonsense of the past months?

    I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It must be so painful and difficult. But stop letting him call all the shots. Look at yourself, and what you deserve and how you deserve to be treated.

    Also, have you thought about whether a military relationship is even right for you. Sometimes the guy is right (which I question in this situation), but the situation isn't. If you struggled this much with training, can you handle a deployment? Your post is pretty vague about exactly what happened when you didn't know how to deal wind then things went downhill, but do you have any reason to believe it will be easier when he deploys? Especially when you'll have the uncertainty created by all this indecisiveness on his part?
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #4
    Thanks for being so real with me, I guess I needed that. I know it's bullshit, but I also know he is going through a really rough time right now and I'm one of the only people he trusts. I don't know if I could just leave him to keep suffering all alone...but I don't think he gets how hard this whole thing has been on me too. It would be so much easier if I just knew where he stands with me. And that's the weird thing--I've always known. I have never doubted his feelings for me until now and it's tearing me apart. Part of me has asked if I even want to be in a military relationship like you said, but I guess I'm just so new to it that I don't even know how it is supposed to feel. Is it this hard for everyone else?
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    #5
    If he doesn't get how hard this has been on you, tell him. Right now, everything is all about him. He's struggling, he's deciding if he wants to be with you, he's calling all the shots and you've given him the power to do so. Why not change that? Calmly tell him it's hard on you, and explain.

    Of course, he may use that as proof that you can't handle it and as an excuse to walk away, but if he does that, he has just been looking for an excuse anyway.

    And you are not his keeper, nor are you responsible for his feelings. THIS MAN BROKE UP WITH YOU! AND OPENLY SAYS HE'S NOT SURE HE LOVES YOU!! Why on earth would you be responsible for making sure he's not suffering alone? He hasn't shown you that courtesy. He dumped you like a bad habit, and wasn't concerned about your suffering. So he doesn't really get the luxury of having you feel responsible for his.

    As for how it's "supposed to feel", there's no one answer. Can you provide more info about the "went downhill" business, and exactly what was going through your head and how you acted as a result? In general, if you struggled that much with training, that's not a great sign, especially because it isn't like you struggled at the beginning and then developed better systems to get through it. It sounds like, if anything, things got worse (even before the break up), not better. Certainly there are times for me where it's been really hard having DH away. But I never felt like I couldn't do it, or like I wasn't okay.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    Yeah, so when he told me he broke his wrist and wasn't going to be home for a while longer, I was upset and I guess I made sure he knew it. I didn't really take it out on him, I was just trying to figure out a way to cope with it all. I knew it wasn't his fault, and I was doing the best I could. But I definitely could have been more supportive. I It just kept getting worse because he couldn't tell me when he was coming home for sure. Which, I know that with the military nothing is really set in stone, but he made it seem like it was. He told me he was coming home November 18th, and that was a done deal. And then his doctors decided he needed to have more time to heal, which means he had to get recycled to a different company. So that meant he couldn't come home until February, and then it was March, and all the jumping around was stressing me out. It was like he kept getting my hopes up only to crush them again. I'm sure it was worse for him because he is the one who's stuck there, but I didn't really realize that because I was so caught up in my own shit that I wasn't there for him the way I should have been. I know now that that's not the way to handle this stuff when it comes up, and I really am trying because I want to be there for him. So I'm sure that was a reason he broke up with me in the first place, but in my eyes that's no reason to just stop loving someone. So yes, all this is partly my fault. But at the same time, I don't know if it's worth it to keep trying to work it out with him until Christmas or just break it off now. Because I do love him and I know he loves me too. I just don't know if that's enough at this point.
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    #7
    The way I see it, you may have completely pushed him away with your reaction. We don't know how exactly you reacted but just from reading this, I am taking that you completely flipped on him and made it all about you. To be honest, in his shoes, I would be pulling away too and wonder how my SO will cope for the remainder of my military career. How will you cope during deployment? How will you cope when there's zero communication while he's in a combat zone?

    All that being said, being in a military relationship is not for everyone. It requires a lot of time apart, and being "okay" with it. It's a lot of unknown homecomings, a lot of dates being pushed back to days, weeks, or months. It's not getting a phone call for your birthday. It requires a lot of patience and realizing that these things are completely out of his own control and freaking out does not help. If all this isn't for you, it may be best to look for a relationship that does work for you. Even if you feel like HE is the one for you. Realize that this will be his life for the next however many years. You need to do some soul searching and see if this is what you want and if you're ready for it. There's no shame in admitting this life style isn't for you.
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    You're right. Thanks for all your help. I'm really going to have to think about all this.
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    #9
    I agree with all of the above, and I feel like after someone has been working so hard towards a goal for so long and a big obstacle like an injury gets in their way right during the homestretch, it can impact their confidence severely. Everyone reacts differently to something like that, but more than likely he was probably just as devastated and frustrated, if not more so than you. Still no excuse to string you along if he truly doesn't know what he wants anymore, but it was probably a factor in acting wishy-washy. The way you handle this training period and his injury, is really just a taste of what type of challenges you will encounter in your lives together. It sets a tone of how you both will do in a marriage because life is MESSY and unpredictable, military or not (although being in the service is especially so).

    I really hope you come to solution and decide on what's best for you!
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    #10
    Merged identical threads as it is against TOS to post same thread in multiple areas of the boards.
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