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Thread: Military culture encouraging cheating...? or am I insecure?

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    Military culture encouraging cheating...? or am I insecure?

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    I am hoping this is bit of a blanket statement because I would would hate for this to be true:

    I am contemplating on marrying my SO, but I am beginning to get more reluctant due to the horrific things I have found out while connecting with the military community. Yes, I understand that infidelity exists in civilian marriages as well, but it seems very prominent in the military, particularly on deployment. Drinking is highly prevalent and when the ship docks/ service members get to the fleet, sex workers dominate the surrounding areas. SO has already told me about other Marines in the fleet cheating at strip clubs near base, and how it is encourage in order to maintain one's sanity. They may develop bonds (even unintentionally) with female co-workers while on deployment and become romantically involved. I feel like it's so easy to tell your partner romantic things and give them promises to keep them waiting for you, but do things behind their back when you know your buddies will keep it a secret.

    I trust my SO and he has never done anything to make me think he would cheat. However I think these larger factors in military culture might influence good partners to cheat. This is a big dilemma in my decision on whether or not to be in the relationship for the long haul. I want to make the decision carefully and hope that it's not all out of insecurities.
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    #2
    I've heard of service members going out and drinking on their personal time. But I also heard that just because they are on personal time doesn't mean they are allowed to drink or go to strip clubs. I support a woman in the navy, sending her care packages and such, she said one time when they docked some her her crew members went to a bar and drank. That was not allowed so they all got in trouble. So I think it's up to the commander on whether or jot they are allowed to go to places like that.

    You can not believe everything you hear. You have to stop listening to what other people say and trust in your relationship. You say you have full faith in him, so don't doubt him. Just because one person did it does not mean he will
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    #3
    If someone is going to drink heavily or cheat, they're going to do it regardless of their employment status. I was cheated on by a man who was a waiter at a restaurant for a living. DH, who is infantry and deploys/trains regularly, isn't a cheater and I don't have to worry no matter how long he's gone.

    Military life may bring out qualities in a person, but it's likely they would have demonstrated them anyway without the military.


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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by caljmw649 View Post
    I've heard of service members going out and drinking on their personal time. But I also heard that just because they are on personal time doesn't mean they are allowed to drink or go to strip clubs. I support a woman in the navy, sending her care packages and such, she said one time when they docked some her her crew members went to a bar and drank. That was not allowed so they all got in trouble. So I think it's up to the commander on whether or jot they are allowed to go to places like that.

    You can not believe everything you hear. You have to stop listening to what other people say and trust in your relationship. You say you have full faith in him, so don't doubt him. Just because one person did it does not mean he will
    Quote Originally Posted by bdizzle View Post
    If someone is going to drink heavily or cheat, they're going to do it regardless of their employment status. I was cheated on by a man who was a waiter at a restaurant for a living. DH, who is infantry and deploys/trains regularly, isn't a cheater and I don't have to worry no matter how long he's gone.

    Military life may bring out qualities in a person, but it's likely they would have demonstrated them anyway without the military.
    I agree!
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    #5
    Infidelity occurs in all aspects of life, military or civilian. I think it's totally unfair to generalize the actions of military personnel based on rumors or stories.

    Does it happen ... I'm sure it does. Correction, I know it does. But it happens at the office down the street from you as well. I have never ever felt threatened because I know my DH and I have a relationship that we have both worked hard to develop based on trust, respect and communication.

    Are you saying you would never commit to the person you love because of their occupational choice? If that is the case then I think you need to sit down and have some long hard talks. The military is NOT going to cause infidelity in a strong relationship.

    Just my two cents!
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Hannahvflores View Post
    I am hoping this is bit of a blanket statement because I would would hate for this to be true:

    I am contemplating on marrying my SO, but I am beginning to get more reluctant due to the horrific things I have found out while connecting with the military community. Yes, I understand that infidelity exists in civilian marriages as well, but it seems very prominent in the military, particularly on deployment. Drinking is highly prevalent and when the ship docks/ service members get to the fleet, sex workers dominate the surrounding areas. SO has already told me about other Marines in the fleet cheating at strip clubs near base, and how it is encourage in order to maintain one's sanity. They may develop bonds (even unintentionally) with female co-workers while on deployment and become romantically involved. I feel like it's so easy to tell your partner romantic things and give them promises to keep them waiting for you, but do things behind their back when you know your buddies will keep it a secret.

    I trust my SO and he has never done anything to make me think he would cheat. However I think these larger factors in military culture might influence good partners to cheat. This is a big dilemma in my decision on whether or not to be in the relationship for the long haul. I want to make the decision carefully and hope that it's not all out of insecurities.
    A cheater is a cheater... the military may give someone more opportunities (ie deployments, TDYs etc) but if someone cheats is because they wanted to not because the military made them.
  7. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Hannahvflores View Post
    I am hoping this is bit of a blanket statement because I would would hate for this to be true:

    I am contemplating on marrying my SO, but I am beginning to get more reluctant due to the horrific things I have found out while connecting with the military community. Yes, I understand that infidelity exists in civilian marriages as well, but it seems very prominent in the military, particularly on deployment. Drinking is highly prevalent and when the ship docks/ service members get to the fleet, sex workers dominate the surrounding areas. SO has already told me about other Marines in the fleet cheating at strip clubs near base, and how it is encourage in order to maintain one's sanity. They may develop bonds (even unintentionally) with female co-workers while on deployment and become romantically involved. I feel like it's so easy to tell your partner romantic things and give them promises to keep them waiting for you, but do things behind their back when you know your buddies will keep it a secret.

    I trust my SO and he has never done anything to make me think he would cheat. However I think these larger factors in military culture might influence good partners to cheat. This is a big dilemma in my decision on whether or not to be in the relationship for the long haul. I want to make the decision carefully and hope that it's not all out of insecurities.
    The big thing that stands out to me is the bolded. If someone is a good partner I don't think anything can influence them to cheat but themselves. If something can influence that person to cheat, then they weren't a good partner to start with. That's what makes being with someone you trust so great. It's all about the person, not the circumstances ... not their coworkers, or how long their job keeps them away, or the wild ideas of so-called friends, or any of that. It's all about if the trust is there or not. I think that's the only way to make things work, military or not.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Hannahvflores View Post
    I am hoping this is bit of a blanket statement because I would would hate for this to be true:

    I am contemplating on marrying my SO, but I am beginning to get more reluctant due to the horrific things I have found out while connecting with the military community. Yes, I understand that infidelity exists in civilian marriages as well, but it seems very prominent in the military, particularly on deployment. Drinking is highly prevalent and when the ship docks/ service members get to the fleet, sex workers dominate the surrounding areas. SO has already told me about other Marines in the fleet cheating at strip clubs near base, and how it is encourage in order to maintain one's sanity. They may develop bonds (even unintentionally) with female co-workers while on deployment and become romantically involved. I feel like it's so easy to tell your partner romantic things and give them promises to keep them waiting for you, but do things behind their back when you know your buddies will keep it a secret.

    I trust my SO and he has never done anything to make me think he would cheat. However I think these larger factors in military culture might influence good partners to cheat. This is a big dilemma in my decision on whether or not to be in the relationship for the long haul. I want to make the decision carefully and hope that it's not all out of insecurities.
    How long have you been with your boyfriend?




  9. In vino veritas
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    #9
    I have seen equal amount of cheating from MHs coworkers when he was in the military and when he left the military and started working on Wall Street. Now, the quality of the girls was DRAMATICALLY different, but the cheating was the same. People who are going to cheat are going to cheat. People who aren't, aren't.

    With that said, really take the time to make sure being in a military relationship is something you can do, and take LOTS of time in the relationship before making any permanent decisions about anything.
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    #10
    No relationship is immune from cheating and you can't control anything outside of your own relationship. I'd be more concerned with the insecurity and distrust within your relationship, as that will most likely end things before cheating ever does.
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