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Thread: DB is super depressed

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    #1

    DB is super depressed

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    Ladies, I need your help. My DB is very depressed. I have explained before that this is a bad deployment for him and the first one where he is away from his son. He said he isn't trying to avoid but can't express himself right now so he isn't talking to anyone. Morale is severely low etc. I've remained positive and encouraging in my communications to him but was wondering if there is anything else I can be doing.
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    #2
    You can encourage him to talk with a chaplain (even if he isn't religious), if you think he needs some assistance.

    Is being away from his son what is making this bad, or is there something else going on. Perhaps you can do things like suggest he record the reading of a children's books, and then you can give the recording and book to his son, and have his son (if you are in contact with him wherever he is) do some drawings for dad, record him giving a message for his dad, etc. Basically, find ways to make him feel involved with his son.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    You can encourage him to talk with a chaplain (even if he isn't religious), if you think he needs some assistance.

    Is being away from his son what is making this bad, or is there something else going on. Perhaps you can do things like suggest he record the reading of a children's books, and then you can give the recording and book to his son, and have his son (if you are in contact with him wherever he is) do some drawings for dad, record him giving a message for his dad, etc. Basically, find ways to make him feel involved with his son.
    His son, me, etc. he said this is the first time he has had so much to miss. But the biggest issue is his deployment and everything about it.
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    I agree with 'Nelle. Maybe you could send him some artwork his son did at school? Things that show him his son loves him so he can feel connected as much as possible. I would ask his son "I'm sending somethings to daddy, would you like to put anything in the box for him?" And if it's something that you could send to him, send it. It'll help his son feel connected as well and show your boyfriend that his son is thinking of him.
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    Quote Originally Posted by caljmw649 View Post
    I agree with 'Nelle. Maybe you could send him some artwork his son did at school? Things that show him his son loves him so he can feel connected as much as possible. I would ask his son "I'm sending somethings to daddy, would you like to put anything in the box for him?" And if it's something that you could send to him, send it. It'll help his son feel connected as well and show your boyfriend that his son is thinking of him.
    His son is with his mom who makes it difficult for him to have contact with him. I have zero control over it. My DBs parents and I are at a loss here in that arena. They live several thousand miles away from their grandson here where I live. I have no contact with the little guy because of her. My hands are tied in his arena as ate his parents. Heartbreaking!!

    What is the best way to stay supportive of him in an arena like this?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cdmisfit View Post
    His son is with his mom who makes it difficult for him to have contact with him. I have zero control over it. My DBs parents and I are at a loss here in that arena. They live several thousand miles away from their grandson here where I live. I have no contact with the little guy because of her. My hands are tied in his arena as ate his parents. Heartbreaking!!

    What is the best way to stay supportive of him in an arena like this?
    Oh gosh, that's terrible. Can he not call his son, does she make that difficult for him? Or is he really only able to contact through emails right now? She should let her son have some sort of contact with his father, it's not fair to him. I think the only thing you can do is be there for him, support him, listen when he needs to vent, things like that. I hope things get better!
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    Quote Originally Posted by caljmw649 View Post
    Oh gosh, that's terrible. Can he not call his son, does she make that difficult for him? Or is he really only able to contact through emails right now? She should let her son have some sort of contact with his father, it's not fair to him. I think the only thing you can do is be there for him, support him, listen when he needs to vent, things like that. I hope things get better!
    Thank you. I am trying. It is so hard. His ex is not a very nice person and it is doubtful she is making the effort. From what I hear from my DBs parents, she isn't cooperating. I do know he has talked with his son but the regularity of it is in question and we don't ask.

    Is it really normal for them to withdrawal like this emotionally? It has been well over a week since any of us in his family have heard from him but we know he is in port and is very active on FB posting things and even responding to things but only to those who are deployed with him or who are in the military. It is getting to the point where those of us here at home don't know if we have upset him and he is mad at us what. We are all guessing at this point and it is hard. My gut says to remember the man he WAS before he left and to not let the man we are seeing now become the reality. Yes, this deployment has been difficult because of his son, the circumstances which are beyond horrific, etc. and we are preparing for him to be different when he gets home. But it is like is two different people. The man he is here and the man he is on deployment.

    I'm hurting. I miss him. I want to hear from him as does his family. It's hard seeing the interaction going on out there that we aren't a part of. Help!!!
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    I am in the exact same situation, except DF has two sons. I have not had any contact with the boys and I miss them as well, I was involved with them when he was here and he would bring them to see me. I really don't know what you can do about his son, but you could keep writing to him even though you haven't heard from him. I write to DF every other day, or sometimes every day. Most of the time he is busy and he doesn't have time to reply but when he does have a chance he says thanks because it keeps him smiling to know that I am thinking about him. it works for me. I gave him photos that I took of him and his sons to take with him. Also, i bought them some toys and things, and I told him about it to let him know I miss them too and he's not alone in that department. I think sometimes they decompress differently. DF needs alone time, and he watches TV and falls asleep because he's so tired. So I don't request him to call me or anything. An email or a few every couple weeks from him is okay for us. Whatever works for you both.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Cdmisfit View Post
    Is it really normal for them to withdrawal like this emotionally? It has been well over a week since any of us in his family have heard from him but we know he is in port and is very active on FB posting things and even responding to things but only to those who are deployed with him or who are in the military. It is getting to the point where those of us here at home don't know if we have upset him and he is mad at us what. We are all guessing at this point and it is hard. My gut says to remember the man he WAS before he left and to not let the man we are seeing now become the reality.
    I'm hurting. I miss him. I want to hear from him as does his family. It's hard seeing the interaction going on out there that we aren't a part of. Help!!!

    I had gone through the same thing with my DF. We are doing long-distance, and after we parted ways (I went back to the country where I live), he suddenly withdrew from me. I thought our time together was supposed to bring us closer, but it seemed to pull us apart.

    After a month of on and off communication (I thought I was already single --- it seemed like he ghosted me), we finally got to talk about what happened.

    He withdrew from me because I left. He explained that his previous deployments made him have depression, causing him to withdraw from people he cares the most. He hasn't replied to his family's messages because he says "it hurts too much". I told him that he should just go and reply, talk to them, Skype or whatever, and I realized I sounded so insensitive to him. He chooses not to, because seeing/messaging them hurts him. He only talks to his military friends, who can "understand" the withdrawal.

    Thankfully, we are okay now. He thanked me for not leaving him and understanding what he is going through. He said just because he doesn't reply to my messages, doesn't mean he doesn't care. He actually appreciated my everyday messages (I took care in not being too clingy). Now, there isn't a day when he hasn't messaged me at least once a day (he's currently deployed now and IT SUCKS), and I'm careful in monitoring his mood.

    It can be a lot to take in at first. But you really need A LOT of patience, and a supportive group of friends that can understand what you're going through. It will be REALLY REALLY HARD and you can get sucked in his attitude, but keep the faith. Hugs!

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