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Thread: Help: Radiosilence/Heartbreak for 2 Months

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    #1

    Help: Radiosilence/Heartbreak for 2 Months

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    Last edited by sml910; 01-07-2016 at 04:04 AM.
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    #2
    He's telling you very, very clearly where you stand. As painful as it is, I think it is time to listen to him.

    You deserve a partner who would move heaven and earth to be with you, not one who is willing to give you up when times get rough.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by sml910 View Post
    I have been debating whether or not to seek out help or advice from a site like this every day for over 2 months. I don’t have friends or family in the military, and I truly think military relationships are unique and require personal experience to offer valuable insight. So if anyone can offer me any comfort or support, or even if it’s just the cold, hard facts that I might need to hear, please do – you have no idea how much I would appreciate it.

    My story:
    I met my boyfriend about a year ago while I was visiting a friend out of state. I lived 3 hours away from him, but he was extremely persistent and insisted that it could work. He was the most wonderful person I have ever met and it didn’t take me long to relent. We got pretty serious pretty quickly, but I always let him make the first move toward progressing the relationship, as I know men don’t like to be pushed. We had an incredible, deeply rewarding and passionate relationship. The catch? He’s a Navy SEAL. He’s currently involved in (please forgive me if I mess up the lingo, I am so out of the military loop) some type of augment program where he goes overseas a lot, despite not being on a scheduled deployment (at least, this is what I understood it to mean). But we made it work. He always insisted it was no big deal, the time would fly by, and he would e-mail me as soon as he could. He went away 3 times in the 7 months that we were together, steadily longer each time (about 7 weeks the last time). The last time that he returned in October, we had an incredible reunion weekend. It was the first time I felt like we were more than a couple - we were best friends. I think it’s important to note that my boyfriend is not an emotionally robust person, given the nature of his job. But he was always sensitive and deeply emotional with me, and showed no hesitation in demonstrating his feelings, in whatever way he knew how. He often referred to me as “the one” – we talked about our marriage, named our kids, picked out our dog and fantasized about the future often. He would say things like “If it’s not going to be you, it’s not going to be anybody”. I have never been happier in my entire life. On a Thursday night in October, we stayed up talking for hours – laughing and joking and making plans for that weekend. It was his turn to visit and we planned on going out for Halloween together. We had our costumes planned out and everything. On Friday, he texted me that he had to work Saturday morning, but he would come right after that (this happens a lot). Given that we only get our short weekends together, I offered to come there instead (who wants to work all day and then drive 3 hours?). He told me to hold off on that. I was disappointed and questioned him – why wouldn’t he want me to come down? I’m a girl, my mind only goes to the worst possible place. He said “You know I don’t find anything out until the last minute” and I said “I know, I just figured this way we could spend more time together” he said “I guess it doesn’t even matter” I said “What is that supposed to mean?” and he said “Look, I’m going away again in 2 weeks and I don’t know when I’ll be back” – I was floored. This attitude was so distinctly different and cold coming from him, and so out of nowhere that it hit me like a brick. He’s the one who always downplays what he does for a living and says that no time apart is too long. And just the night before, we stayed up talking and laughing and had a wonderful conversation. So I thought it was pretty obvious that whatever he found out about where he was going and the fact that he had no foreseeable return date in mind, it scared him off. I tried my best to convince him otherwise. I told him I would wait and nothing would scare me off, no matter what he said. He didn’t listen. He stayed silent for that whole weekend. I kept texting him despite myself and trying to make him see that I wasn’t going to go anywhere, and he should talk to me instead of shutting me out. So he called me that Monday. He said “Look, this weekend was so hard for me. I know you don’t understand what’s going on right now. But I want the best for you and I’m not it. You know I love you right? None of this was a lie. I love you so much. But the reality is that I’m likely going to die doing what I’m doing and I can’t have you waiting around for me to just up and die one day”. I continued trying to tell him that I would wait and he was breaking my heart. He said he didn’t want to do this. He repeated how much he loved me and said it’s the hardest thing he’s ever going to have to do, that he didn’t want to do this at all, but he has to. He said he needed me to know that if I ever need anything, if I ever need help, to contact him and he’ll make sure either he or a friend gets me whatever I need. I asked if he would contact me when he got back safely, he said no. And then he was gone. For the next 2 weeks leading up to his departure, I sporadically texted him with a positive attitude, sprinkling in little jokes to make him laugh and trying to reassure him that I would still be here when he got back. He stayed silent. So after I was sure he was gone, I took to e-mail. Our e-mails were always hysterical and I never failed to make him laugh. So every week, I write him an email and I keep it light, funny and sweet (the last thing he needs while he’s away is me groveling about our relationship status). It’s been 2 months. No word. There’s one extra piece of information that is pretty important in this story. My best friend (on her own volition) decided to try calling him just to see if he would answer pre-departure (his phone is TERRIBLE and I had been complaining to her that I was worried he wasn’t getting my texts). He answered. She wasn’t expecting him to answer and she decided to talk to him. They talked for 10 minutes – he’s a private person, so I was shocked he talked to her at all. He told her that he’s saving me from a lot of pain and aggravation, that he loves me so much but it’s just not fair to me. That he could be gone for 8 months with no means of contacting me (this she wasn’t sure if he meant in general, or this particular trip). He was resolute and had himself completely convinced that I would move on. She tried to argue that I wouldn’t and he insisted that I would. And she said he made one concession – that maybe, when this is all over (referring to his service), we could be together. The phone call dropped shortly after that. I’ve had a lot of people, guys and girls alike, reassure me that if I keep writing, and I don’t give up, and I prove to him that I can withstand the test of time, he would have no reason not to get in touch with me again. I guess I was just wondering if anyone has ever been in this situation or could provide any type of support. Moving on is out of the question. I’ve been beside myself every second of every day, praying for his safety and wishing with every inch of my mind and body that he’ll be okay. I just feel extremely helpless. I’m doing all that I can but I’m worried it’s not enough. I’m at a loss.
    First, very difficult to read without paragraphs. Along with what 'Nilla said, the bold is bothersome. If you think you need to prove yourself to him, he's not worth it, because he isn't interested.
    Move on and stop wasting your time and emotional strength.
    If you want my opinion on your relationship or life issues, just ask Villanelle!
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    #4
    I missed the part GuyNW bolded because of the lack of paragraphs.

    When someone tells you to stop contacting them, you should do so. When you continue to contact someone after they've told you to stop (and they've confirmed that desire by not responding), it actually gets kind of disrespectful on your part, and borderline stalker-y. This guy has removed you from his life. Whether that's because of the reasons he stated, or because he's not interested and was trying to be kind (or was simply too uncomfortable to tell the truth), you need to respect his wishes. It's painful, but the sooner you start the moving on, the sooner you'll be done with it.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #5
    I agree with Asher and vill. I know it's hard, but he doesn't need a reason not to get in touch with you. It's his call to make and if he doesn't want to, he won't, and it doesn't matter if you don't like his reason or think he doesn't have one. I hope you didn't get false hope from what he said about maybe later but ... like honestly if I was trying to get someone out of my life and their best friend called me and argued with me about it, I would probably just tell them what they wanted to hear so they would stop, kwim?

    You are only helpless in the sense that you cannot control him or change his mind for him. But you do have control over your own actions and that's what matters! My best advice would be to block his number + social media, ask your friends not to contact him or pass on info about him, and like PPs said start the process of moving on. Again I know it hurts, but one person not wanting to be in a relationship with you doesnt' mean it's the end of the world. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.
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    #6
    I wouldn't say to give up on him, my DF went on deployment and didn't have the time or the means to get in touch with me for the first month and a half while he was away. Although, I must say that he never told me to give up on him though... I would say don't give up just yet, keep emailing him but don't close yourself off to other options. If it is indeed over, you will need time to heal. Don't rush into anything, don't make any rash decisions. just let it be.
    Keep writing to him, he may be reading and appreciating it... he may be ignoring.. whatever. Do what you gotta do for you.. Time may make you get over him, or maybe it won't. You MIGHT meet another man. You never know. Just don't close yourself off to anyone else while you wait. And if you happen to meet another good man while you wait... give him a chance.
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    #7
    FYI, it is considered rude to delete a post, and since you were quoted, we can all still read what you wrote anyway.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #8
    Closed due to member status.
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