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Thread: First weeks of long distance.. help.

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    #1

    Sad First weeks of long distance.. help.

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    So DH and I actually spent the first 5 months of our relationship long distance as he was in Europe for school, but ever since he got back we have been inseparable, with the exception of ROTC training weekends and things of that nature. He commissioned in May and we got married this summer right before he had to report. He moved down for IBOLC and I'm still in TN, which is 6 hours away. I have to finish up my degree and can't be down there permanently until at least December, but possibly not until April next year. I still get to see him whenever I can make the trip down to GA, but the loneliness has been so much harder than expected.

    I don't have many friends and not a single one who understands what I'm going through (my best friend actually texted me one day and said "my boyfriend has been gone for 3 hours for his overnight trip and I miss him SO bad! I know what you're going through...") and they all won't leave their boyfriends' sides long enough for me to not be the third wheel.

    The house is lonely too, since he PCS'd and took 90% of the furniture. It's been about a week and a half and I'm just so emotionally unstable. I cry at everything and it seems like time is moving so slow. I know this is no deployment and I still get to talk to him regularly and see him at least once or twice a month, but I'm so new to this and I don't know what to do to not be sad. I know I have a ton of getting stronger to do to be a successful military wife, but I just need advice from someone who's been there before right now. Help
    Last edited by cmol26; 07-09-2015 at 07:40 AM.
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by cmol26 View Post
    So DH and I actually spent the first 5 months of our relationship long distance as he was in Europe for school, but ever since he got back we have been inseparable, with the exception of ROTC training weekends and things of that nature. He commissioned in May and we got married this summer right before he had to report. He moved down for IBOLC and I'm still in TN, which is 6 hours away. I have to finish up my degree and can't be down there permanently until at least December, but possibly not until April next year. I still get to see him whenever I can make the trip down to GA, but the loneliness has been so much harder than expected.

    I don't have many friends and not a single one who understands what I'm going through (my best friend actually texted me one day and said "my boyfriend has been gone for 3 hours for his overnight trip and I miss him SO bad! I know what you're going through...") and they all won't leave their boyfriends' sides long enough for me to not be the third wheel. It's hard to get involved with other MSOS as I'm nowhere near a post.

    The house is lonely too, since he PCS'd and took 90% of the furniture. It's been about a week and a half and I'm just so emotionally unstable. I cry at everything and it seems like time is moving so slow. I know this is no deployment and I still get to talk to him regularly and see him at least once or twice a month, but I'm so new to this and I don't know what to do to not be sad. I don't have motivation to do much at all. I rarely eat more than one meal a day because I hate cooking for one person and then I just feel awful because I have no energy. I know I have a ton of getting stronger to do to be a successful military wife, but I just need advice from someone who's been there before right now. Help
    Lets pretend you didn't just post this. You are about to get slammed with dozens of posts that are going to explain to you that missing someone is missing someone, and that someone else always has it harder. If you reject people who try to empathize with you because you think they don't have it as bad, you will be left with no one.
    For example, in 10 years of marriage I have lived with my wife less than 4 years, so how dare you think you have it bad? Sucks to be told that your hurt doesn't matter much, huh? and how about the spouse who is now a widow? Can't I try to comfort her, even though mine is still alive?
    Enough on that though...

    That being said, some people find it helpful to write a letter every day or so to him. Including him in your life as much as possible when you can.

    Find other activities to keep you busy. work, hobbies. clubs etc.
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    I'm sorry that you're going through this. It always sucks having to be a part from a SO, and it sounds like you've been in a couple different living situations with him so it's always hard to adjust to the changes.

    I would try to not alienate the friends you do have around you but I get it is hard being the third wheel. Maybe try planning a girls night, either going out and doing something that is just you girls or staying in, watching movies, painting nails type of typical things. I get emotional too but you can't let it take over your life and bring you to an unsafe state. I enjoy cooking and often wish I could be doing it for my DB but right now we're long distance. It kind of bums me out, but I try to look at it as experimenting with stuff I find on pinterest and then practicing the meals. So when we are together I have some cool stuff I can make for him. Plus I'm a huge fan of cooking on Sunday and just splitting the leftovers up for the week so I can be lazy during the week ha. It's really easy to get caught up in being sad, and sometimes that is okay for a few hours or maybe a day, but you can't let it control your life. Focus on getting through school and being together at that point!
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicDelo View Post
    I'm sorry that you're going through this. It always sucks having to be a part from a SO, and it sounds like you've been in a couple different living situations with him so it's always hard to adjust to the changes.

    I would try to not alienate the friends you do have around you but I get it is hard being the third wheel. Maybe try planning a girls night, either going out and doing something that is just you girls or staying in, watching movies, painting nails type of typical things. I get emotional too but you can't let it take over your life and bring you to an unsafe state. I enjoy cooking and often wish I could be doing it for my DB but right now we're long distance. It kind of bums me out, but I try to look at it as experimenting with stuff I find on pinterest and then practicing the meals. So when we are together I have some cool stuff I can make for him. Plus I'm a huge fan of cooking on Sunday and just splitting the leftovers up for the week so I can be lazy during the week ha. It's really easy to get caught up in being sad, and sometimes that is okay for a few hours or maybe a day, but you can't let it control your life. Focus on getting through school and being together at that point!
    Thank you for the advice! Yesterday was a rough day, hence the over dramatic feel to it.. Swear I'm not normally that bad. I was just looking for someone in a similar situation as me to give me some ideas to not be so mopey and get off my butt and do things, and these are definitely the kind of things I was looking for! I'm just new to it all and need to get adjusted.
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    Yeah I understand. I wasn't long distance with my DB before he commissioned but then afterwards it was a whole new ball game. I had also soon after he left moved and started a new job so it was a lot of change for me to deal with all at once. I was really unhappy with my job and living alone and ended up quitting and taking another job and moving again. Now I live with one of my best friends from college, which is great, but she is often doing stuff with her boyfriend. He's a great guy, but it's hard to be the third wheel no matter how nice the couple is. My DB is currently deployed so I've put effort in to planning care packages and my trip to see him when he returns. Maybe you can focus on planning your trips to visit your DH like finding good activities to do in GA or if he comes up to TN. And if there are any new hobbies you've always wanted to try, might as well start now- it will give you something to focus on in your life but also something new to talk about with your DH.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Guynavywife View Post
    Lets pretend you didn't just post this. You are about to get slammed with dozens of posts that are going to explain to you that missing someone is missing someone, and that someone else always has it harder. If you reject people who try to empathize with you because you think they don't have it as bad, you will be left with no one.
    For example, in 10 years of marriage I have lived with my wife less than 4 years, so how dare you think you have it bad? Sucks to be told that your hurt doesn't matter much, huh? and how about the spouse who is now a widow? Can't I try to comfort her, even though mine is still alive?
    Enough on that though...

    That being said, some people find it helpful to write a letter every day or so to him. Including him in your life as much as possible when you can.

    Find other activities to keep you busy. work, hobbies. clubs etc.
    I definitely didn't mean to come off like my life is the worst, I even said I know it's not that bad. And I didn't dismiss my friend for saying her life was hard for spending the weekend apart, I actually offered to have girl time with her. Thank you for being honest, I just wanted advice on how to keep busy and get used to the military life.
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicDelo View Post
    Yeah I understand. I wasn't long distance with my DB before he commissioned but then afterwards it was a whole new ball game. I had also soon after he left moved and started a new job so it was a lot of change for me to deal with all at once. I was really unhappy with my job and living alone and ended up quitting and taking another job and moving again. Now I live with one of my best friends from college, which is great, but she is often doing stuff with her boyfriend. He's a great guy, but it's hard to be the third wheel no matter how nice the couple is. My DB is currently deployed so I've put effort in to planning care packages and my trip to see him when he returns. Maybe you can focus on planning your trips to visit your DH like finding good activities to do in GA or if he comes up to TN. And if there are any new hobbies you've always wanted to try, might as well start now- it will give you something to focus on in your life but also something new to talk about with your DH.
    I've tried to get to the gym and do group fitness classes and things like that to be around other people and not just hole up by myself. It's easy to just say forget that and stay in and watch Netflix though. I just need to push past that and get out of the house! I was actually supposed to move in with a friend, but she ended up having her boyfriend move in instead.. so that didn't work. It sounds like you have lots of things to do to keep you busy though which is awesome! I look forward to getting to that point.
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    #8
    It's never going to be easy to be away from your husband, and it seems flippant to say, but you've gotta find a time consuming hobby and a couple single friends. I opened an Etsy shop and now I make money to distract myself from missing DG... Money that I use to go see DG! See what I mean? It helps me get to the end goal while helping me pay for the end goal. When she was in basic training, I would literally force myself out of the house to do something so that i'd have nice things to write her about or things to say when we were on the phone other than "i miss you". About the single friends... they're just so much more available

    Oh, and I get the part about your friend saying that dumb stuff about her boyfriend being gone for 3hr. My friend said something like that to me as well when my dg was in basic training and I hadn't spoken to her for more than 5 minutes in weeks... because her girlfriend was going to be a 2.5 hr drive away for christmas break. They'll never get it bc they're just not accustomed to what we are. Both your friend and my friend probably thought they were being helpful, though, which is why when my friend said that I just laughed it off. That's why this place is so nice. You're surrounded by people who would never think 3 hours is a long time not to see their SO.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by usafgf92 View Post
    Oh, and I get the part about your friend saying that dumb stuff about her boyfriend being gone for 3hr. My friend said something like that to me as well when my dg was in basic training and I hadn't spoken to her for more than 5 minutes in weeks... because her girlfriend was going to be a 2.5 hr drive away for christmas break. They'll never get it bc they're just not accustomed to what we are. Both your friend and my friend probably thought they were being helpful, though, which is why when my friend said that I just laughed it off. That's why this place is so nice. You're surrounded by people who would never think 3 hours is a long time not to see their SO.
    I think 3 hours or a weekend is a long time not to see my SO sometimes. DH just went on a business trip, and I work late normally so we only spend a few hours together in the evening, but I really missed those few hours he wasn't there because that's our hang out time before bed.

    I dunno I just think all this "they'll never get it" and "they don't understand" stuff isn't super helpful because it's just intentionally putting a wall between (general) you and your support system, and I think if people actually applied that rule it wouldn't make sense. Like I could say so-and-so doesn't get it because her husband's at NTC not deployed, and wow she thinks a week is a long time to be apart try six months, or whatever. Of course everyone is entitled to feel that way though, everyone's entitled to an opinion, but one of the side effects to putting (general) yourself above others is that it can be lonely at the top.
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    That's so cool about the Etsy shop! What kind of stuff do you make?
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