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Thread: Ladies, Need some Advice!!!

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    Sad Ladies, Need some Advice!!!

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    DB and I met last year through mutual friends. We have been dating for about four months now. He's stationed in Japan and I live in Florida. However we have managed to talk and FaceTime everyday even with the huge difference in time zones. Our relationship has moved way faster than I ever expected it to and he's already decided he wants to get married. I'm 100% sure I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him but at the same time I'm very scared. Not sure if it's the right time. I'm just about to finish a Dental Assisting Program and would definitely love to work on the field and gain some experience. At the same time, I would love to get marry and be able to live together, but I'm so scared of moving to another country(most likely Japan) and not be able to find a job and pay off my loan and help him with any bills that we would have to pay. That's basically my main concern. He said that I can try and find a job on base but I don't think it'll be that easy. Have any of you work on base or know any spouse that has been able to?? I'm new to all of this and don't know much. Definitely would appreciate any advice and info that you guys can give me(:

    DB has to choose orders in July and the options he liked the most(work wise) are Spain, Japan(He's been there for 3 yrs.) and Greece. Japan is our first choice, he has already been there for a while and we both have friends there so if we get marry in December I think it'll be easier for me to adjust as it'll be my first move.
    Last edited by Amary30; 06-19-2015 at 09:35 PM. Reason: typo
  2. Team Rocket
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    #2
    Hey! Welcome to the forum! You should introduce yourself in the newbies forum too

    To get right to your question: unfortunately, even if you get married, there's no guarantee you could go to Japan (or anywhere else, once he picks new orders) to be with him. There are a handful of ladies on here who have had to do overseas tours separate from their husbands due to various reasons. So, PLEASE PLEASE don't rush marriage just because you think you could go there.

    As for other advice...

    I say this with the kindest of intentions, but you're only 19 and only been dating 4 months! Now is a critical time in your life to not only figure out your career, your personality, your goals, but it's also very very difficult to move to the other side of the world and be away from your friends and family and home. I moved to Japan at 19, not due to the military, and I was so freakin' homesick. I missed my parents so much, I lost a ton of weight, I developed panic attacks. I was SOO glad to be home 12 months later. It's impossible to know how you will react until you've been away for a while. Japan is an amazing beautiful country, but the culture shock is immense.

    Also, there's no reason you HAVE to get married. In our world today, long distance relationships can and do thrive, if you are willing to put in the effort. It is completely possible to do it for one or a few or many years. When I started dating DH, I made the choice to attend grad school right away, 2000 miles away. We did that for 2 years before I moved to be with (and marry) him. It was the right choice for my career and myself, and it made our marriage a lot stronger to do it. You learn to communicate very very well.

    In terms of jobs, while there are a few on-base jobs around, your chances of getting them are not super high, and if you do, they are highly unlikely to be career-worthy. Would you really be okay doing part-time entry level work for the next several years?

    I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but please don't get caught up in the emotions and the romance of moving away to be with your military man. You ARE an adult now, and it's super scary, I know, but you gotta think things through, not only in terms of career and student loans, but in terms of what you want out of life, what your goals are, what you need out of life.
    WiggleWiggle~ is my Wifey
  3. Senior Member
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    #3
    I'll just say that I am SO thankful that I did not marry the boy that I was dating when I was 19. I have done and learned so much in those 7 years. Don't miss out on some incredible years just to be with someone you've been with FOR FOUR MONTHS.
  4. Fresh Newbie
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    #4
    We have talked about it a lot and yes, we both are willing to keep on putting effort in our long distance relationship. Like you guys said 19 is a very young age and there are lots of things that we still need to learn about ourselves.

    Thank you so much for responding, very very helpful !
  5. Senior Member
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by rocket_lizz View Post
    Hey! Welcome to the forum! You should introduce yourself in the newbies forum too

    To get right to your question: unfortunately, even if you get married, there's no guarantee you could go to Japan (or anywhere else, once he picks new orders) to be with him. There are a handful of ladies on here who have had to do overseas tours separate from their husbands due to various reasons. So, PLEASE PLEASE don't rush marriage just because you think you could go there.

    As for other advice...

    I say this with the kindest of intentions, but you're only 19 and only been dating 4 months! Now is a critical time in your life to not only figure out your career, your personality, your goals, but it's also very very difficult to move to the other side of the world and be away from your friends and family and home. I moved to Japan at 19, not due to the military, and I was so freakin' homesick. I missed my parents so much, I lost a ton of weight, I developed panic attacks. I was SOO glad to be home 12 months later. It's impossible to know how you will react until you've been away for a while. Japan is an amazing beautiful country, but the culture shock is immense.

    Also, there's no reason you HAVE to get married. In our world today, long distance relationships can and do thrive, if you are willing to put in the effort. It is completely possible to do it for one or a few or many years. When I started dating DH, I made the choice to attend grad school right away, 2000 miles away. We did that for 2 years before I moved to be with (and marry) him. It was the right choice for my career and myself, and it made our marriage a lot stronger to do it. You learn to communicate very very well.

    In terms of jobs, while there are a few on-base jobs around, your chances of getting them are not super high, and if you do, they are highly unlikely to be career-worthy. Would you really be okay doing part-time entry level work for the next several years?

    I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but please don't get caught up in the emotions and the romance of moving away to be with your military man. You ARE an adult now, and it's super scary, I know, but you gotta think things through, not only in terms of career and student loans, but in terms of what you want out of life, what your goals are, what you need out of life.
    I agree 100%! Im in a completely different situation than you but, my boyfriend (weve been together 3 years) pcsed in jan. Hes in TX and im in NY, i stayed here to finish school. Hes 38 and im 29. Could we have jumped into marriage and I go to TX right now? Of course,but it makes most sense for me to finish school and get my career going. Rushing into the next step of a relationship isnt always the best idea. Youre still young, imo i think you should finish school, get yourself set up (career wise) and see what happens from there.

    I hope all works out for you!
    "She knew she loved him when 'home' went from being a place to being a person."
  6. Regular Member
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    #6
    I met my DH when I was 17 and I knew he was the one, but it didn't work out at the time and we both had some growing up to do. I'm with PP's that you should wait. You may think you are mature for your age or have experienced a lot, but there really is a lot of growth that happens in your 20s. When DH and I reconnected at 26 we were COMPLETELY different people.
  7. Senior Member
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    #7
    Finding a job overseas is extremely difficult. Unless you want to do childcare, don't count on it. The other jobs that come up seem to be things like fast food and checker at the commissary, and those are extremely competitive. Where in Japan (what base)? Depending on where, there are usually jobs teaching English (no teaching experience required). Some people hate it, but I loved it. In some ways, it was the highlight of my last Japan experience. We were in Japan for 2.5 years, then came to Germany where we are finishing 3 years, and then we are headed back to Japan. Anyway, the money is very good. At the time, I was getting about 4000yen per hour. Back then, that was about $50. Now it is about $35, but still very good money. If you are good and conscientious, you can probably get a lot of jobs, though not full time. But certainly 10-12 hours a week is reasonable, though you have to be willing to teach whenever someone wants you. Lots of potential teachers have to work around their kids school schedules, or don't want to work past 4pm, or they cancel a lot. So the good, available, responsible teachers who actually put effort in to putting together good lessons eventually get offers for lots of classes, but it takes a while.

    Keep in mind that they will not pay to move you and your stuff to Japan if you marry now. If he gets new orders after you are married, I'm not sure how that works. Maybe someone knows. But I am guessing they will still only pay the cost to move his stuff from Japan, so your stuff in the States would be on your, cost wise.

    Also, to go to Japan (or any overseas location) you have to pass a medical screen, and they really seem to be cracking down. If you have any ongoing medical issues (including just being on anxiety or depression meds, or even having been on them recently), you could be not approved, in which case essentially you aren't allowed to go. Also, stuff like asthma or other fairly mild conditions can get you declined. So marrying to join him could turn out not to work out. And it isn't a very mature approach to marriage, either. Marrying him when you feel fully ready to do so, regardless of where he lives.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski

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