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Thread: Need to vent... please listen.

  1. Regular Member
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    #1

    Sad Need to vent... please listen.

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    How will I overcome this?? Lately, I get so much pressure, negativity from every body around my family and criticism from other people. I don't even know if it is because of the relationship I got into or because of envy or because they are scared that probably, I will lose the fight for my love for him. There are times I will admit I feel like giving up; I feel alone. I expect them (my family) to support me in some way but most times, I don't feel that support I need anymore. I have friends but I guess, they are just a very good friends when my sailor is around. I realized, it's true- friends sucks when you need them the most. Thankfully, I have my sailor instead but, I wish I have somebody who I can share my problems with other than my boyfriend.


    Honestly. it turns out I become more open and it became so much easier to talk to strangers instead. It's hilarious knowing that those people you know turns out to your greatest enemy than the people you never know in your entire life. You ask people you know, people around you for years, they tell you a lot of things that is not even helping. you ask a strangers- they will encourage you.

    I guess, I an just a human? I love my sailor very much. But I never thought, overtime it is just getting harder and harder. Especially. when you never have that support you need the most. I am not giving up my sailor either. I guess, it is good to letting out things sometimes.

    After all, I still believe that in the end It will be worth it.. We will get married, grow up together and reach our dreams together as planned. Just God help me.
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by Elize View Post
    How will I overcome this?? Lately, I get so much pressure, negativity from every body around my family and criticism from other people. I don't even know if it is because of the relationship I got into or because of envy or because they are scared that probably, I will lose the fight for my love for him. There are times I will admit I feel like giving up; I feel alone. I expect them (my family) to support me in some way but most times, I don't feel that support I need anymore. I have friends but I guess, they are just a very good friends when my sailor is around. I realized, it's true- friends sucks when you need them the most. Thankfully, I have my sailor instead but, I wish I have somebody who I can share my problems with other than my boyfriend.


    Honestly. it turns out I become more open and it became so much easier to talk to strangers instead. It's hilarious knowing that those people you know turns out to your greatest enemy than the person you never know in your entire life. You ask people you know, people around you for years, they tell you a lot of things that is not even helping. you ask a strangers- they will encourage you.

    I guess, I an just a human? I love my sailor very much. But I never thought, overtime it is just getting harder and harder. Especially. when you never have that support you need the most. I am not giving up my sailor either. I guess, it is good to letting out things sometimes.

    After all, I still believe that in the end It will be worth it.. We will get married, grow up together and reach our dreams together as planned. Just God help me.
    With all due respect, why do you allow them to have such a big impact on your life? If you love your boyfriend, then find the people that will support you and surround yourself with the positive energy. It doesn't matter if that's your family or some strangers. It's going to be hard, why let other people make it feel harder than it needs to be.
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    I generally believe that if most people in your life share the some opinion, there's probably something too it. I don't by something like "envy" as a reason why many, many people would share a negative opinion about a relationship.

    And it sounds like you are unhappy and really struggling. So it makes sense. If you were my friend and I saw that, I would hate your pain, and I'd see that this relationship doesn't seem to be serving you because there is more pain than joy, and I too would probably think it was time to move on.

    You say that you don't get support from your family. Remember that support is not just positivity and saying what you want to hear. Real support, and people who really care about you and want to give true support even when it is difficult, are going to say what they feel sis the truth, rather than what is comfortable or easy. So perhaps they are trying to support you by showing you that this relationship is making you unhappy (which even you admit). They may believe they are supporting you, even if that means not supporting this relationship.

    And no, friends don't suck when you need them most. If that's your experience, you need better friends. And if you look--honestly and openly--at what your friends and family are saying and you see no truth in it, then work on owning your own feelings and choices, and not letting the opinions of others have such an influence.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by JayRP View Post
    With all due respect, why do you allow them to have such a big impact on your life? If you love your boyfriend, then find the people that will support you and surround yourself with the positive energy. It doesn't matter if that's your family or some strangers. It's going to be hard, why let other people make it feel harder than it needs to be.
    I agree with this. I have cut off several people because of their negativity recently. Some of it surrounding my relationship, some not. I had just gotten to a point where I realized I was surrounding myself with toxic people.

    Can I ask what are you struggling with? In what way do you need support? What are the hardest things for you in this relationship?
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    Butterfly:

    Several things to be honest. I think what makes it harder the most is, I am a real firstimer in a long distance "real" relationship. it is scary in some way specially I never expected it to be a military man. I know this man for a long time. he was my best friend first the whole time eversince our highshool days-for six years before we started dating. A lot of people criticize me about my relationship just because he is 2,000 miles away from me- he is currently in Hawaii and I am in California. They always say that I should not hope on anything even though we have a plan of getting married a few years from now, they say "I" still never know. that he might find another girl or fall in love with somebody else. They also, always I think, the word is "making fun" of my disability I am Physically disabled but not bad anyway, I am such an independent woman. They always tell me because of it, girls have so much capable than I am, Then there are some that says why can't I just find somebody that is around? Who can watch over me every single day, be there for me 24/7. and so on. It doesn't matter how much I explain to them why. Why do I do it, they don't get it. sometimes I mention them how I struggle but All they reply is: "That's what you signed up for." It is not really what I want to hear especially in my family, I hope they can say: "Oh, you are fine... it will pass. We are here for you." I know it is hard and I am fighting for it. Same as him... why cannot they understand it. all I asks is a little encouragement not a brutally honest responds.
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    #6
    Hey, I went through and still go through similar comments from my family. I would like to not let their opinions and comments affect me, but it is hard to just ignore them or stop communicating with them all together. I understand that others don't want to see me upset or down about DB and mine's relationship, but what they have to realize is that certain things he's done, has not been to hurt me. He opted for a tour in HI and I stayed on the east coast. There were several reasons why I didn't go with him, and I think my family would have been pissed if I just up and left with no real job prospects over there. At the same time, they throw it in my face that maybe he'll meet someone new, or are just upset that I miss him and tell me I should have expected this. My DB choose that location because he thought it was the best option for him to be able to help him career-wise and what he wants to do. I understand that, it wasn't like he said 'oh this will piss Vic off, let me move far away, screw her'.

    It really is frustrating and hopefully you continue to have support from your boyfriend. I hope that you can find a friend or two to help you that will be positive. You may have done this already- but have you tried to tell your family or friends that you are hurt by their comments and ask them to be more supportive of you and your relationship? To be honest I tried that with my mom before DB even was commissioned, telling her that unless she really felt it was like a life or death situation, or had actual proof or something, to just be positive with me and DB and keep the negativity to herself. Unfortunately she must have forgot that talk or something, but maybe it will work for you, maybe at least with your friends. Good luck! You can do this!
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    I'm kind of where you are at. I have good friends, but I really think none of them understand my situation. I can't talk to my family about my relationship either, my mom and DF have had lots of problems in the past and it's best not to even say anything at all negative about him or our relationship. It's hard to deal with negativity about the one you love with all your heart, especially when things are being said by your family who you also love, and maybe don't expect that from. I recently picked up journal writing, and for me it helps just to let feelings out. Being in an LDR will generate some very rude and negative comments, but I learned just to brush them off. They don't really truly know what it's all about. Anyway, you also have these forums, and if you ever need someone to talk to I'm available as well! Good luck!
  8. Champagne Supernova
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    #8
    Its been my experience that when you talk with someone who has never lived or experienced this type of lifestyle, the feedback is generally skeptical. Most people cant fathom being with someone who isn't there 24/7. I always get "I don't know how you can do it". And when DH was DB, I got a lot of negativity too. The whole "how do you know what hes doing?" or "why don't you date someone here". Some of it came from a general place of concern - family and friends wanted to see me happy, stable, or whatever. Other times it just came from a place where people thought I was stupid. In the end, I won out. DH and I are married and extremely happy and I wouldn't trade any of the struggles we've had since it got us here. True, it doesn't always end up great, but being in a non-military relationship doesn't guarantee you anything, either.

    You need to do what makes YOU happy. Your DB is long distance, you are allowed to be sad about it. But you've seen something worth trying to make it work - so you do that. Surround yourself with people who will support you, or at least try to understand. And if not - you have here. No one will understand better than us
  9. Senior Member
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Farfalla View Post
    Its been my experience that when you talk with someone who has never lived or experienced this type of lifestyle, the feedback is generally skeptical. Most people cant fathom being with someone who isn't there 24/7. I always get "I don't know how you can do it". And when DH was DB, I got a lot of negativity too. The whole "how do you know what hes doing?" or "why don't you date someone here". Some of it came from a general place of concern - family and friends wanted to see me happy, stable, or whatever. Other times it just came from a place where people thought I was stupid. In the end, I won out. DH and I are married and extremely happy and I wouldn't trade any of the struggles we've had since it got us here. True, it doesn't always end up great, but being in a non-military relationship doesn't guarantee you anything, either.

    You need to do what makes YOU happy. Your DB is long distance, you are allowed to be sad about it. But you've seen something worth trying to make it work - so you do that. Surround yourself with people who will support you, or at least try to understand. And if not - you have here. No one will understand better than us
    It's interesting because I see this a lot around MSOS, yet it was not at all my experience. I started dating now-DH long distance and never got any flack. I may have had a friend say, "I don't know how you do it", but it was never in a negative way. Everyone saw that I was happy and content and being-treated well and thus they were supportive.

    That's why I often wonder what else is at play when I read about this stuff. Because certainly it isn't always that people don't support LDRs or are negative about them. I think that sometimes, a person acts depressed or upset or generally seems to be struggling, and loved ones respond to that. They see a person who, while perhaps very much in love, is being made unhappy by their relationship. So they then see it as a negative thing, and rightly so from their perspective. OTOH, if their loved on
    is generally happy and positive, even if there is an occasional sad moment, then they are likely to be more supportive because they see the relationship as something tht is making their friend happy, rather than something making her sad or causing her to struggle.

    If we give the impression the relationship makes us feel bad, then of course those who love us are going to be skeptical about it. They see a friend hurting and naturally think that removing the cause of that hurt makes sense. If we show them that we can handle the bad stuff--even if not 100% perfectly--and that there is a lot more good then bad, then they see something that is good for us and can support it.

    It's not that we aren't allowed to be sad. But if we show them more sad than happy, of course they aren't going to think our relationship is a good thing.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #10
    I agree with villanelle. When I was dating my now ex-DH, my mom told me not to date him, to see other people, and not to ground myself down to him. She always had something negative to say about my long distance relationship, and it always annoyed me, but...I was 18, and therefore, I knew everything. I wish I would have had a friend who would have been like :dude, he's an asshole, don't marry that doucher." There's no way I would have listened to my mom, she was pretty unreasonable about some other things....but she hit the nail on the head on that one.
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