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Thread: Pre Deployment Breakup

  1. Old Newbie
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    #1

    Help Pre Deployment Breakup

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    Oops it should be title predeployment breakup! But now its not letting me fix it haha.

    So I posted another thread I think in the predeployment preparation forum. I talked about how my DB was going back and forth about how we were going to make our relationship work these next 2 years. He is in the marines and for his specific job has a bunch of schools he has to attend the next couple months, which all vary in length. Can be 2 weeks to 3 months. Each school is different. And in between each school he only has a couple days home where he has to catch up on sleep and get ready for the next school. Then in October he starts a work up which is about 6 months long and in field training so he will rarely have time to come home. Then late spring 2016 after the work up he is being sent on a ship, which they call a meu, for about 9-12 months. I guess usually its only 6-9, but they recently changed it so they are extending how long ships go out. Basically he is freaking out about the fact that he will pretty much have no life except the Marines for the next 2 years. He will barely have time to see his family, friends, or me. We love each other so much and know we want to be together. However, he has many fears and his initial reaction to stressful/painful situations is to run. He has decided after going over in his head a thousand times that the best thing for both of us is to break up. He doesn't want me sitting around waiting for him and putting my life on hold. I understand, at the same time I wish he would tell me to wait! He said that he knows I can handle him being gone that long, but that he couldn't handle leaving me alone for that long. That it would kill him knowing he can't give me all of the love or attention that I deserve while he's gone. In some ways he is being very selfish, but also selfless by wanting the best for me. I know in his mind, having no attachments or personal life is how he will survive these next 2 years, but it also sucks. I wish he could learn how to focus on his job and be happy in his personal life. Has anyone ever been through a similar situation?? Breaking up with your DB not because you don't love each other or want to be together but because they will be gone for so long and can not handle being away from you? Any advice would help! I don't have any friends or family who have been through this. And most people online haven't had a situation very similar. To them its "well if he loved you he would work through anything." But sometimes its not that simple. I just have no idea what to do or think

    Ps. Sorry for the long post!!
    Last edited by Tojai; 04-13-2015 at 09:11 PM. Reason: Updated titled for OP
  2. Regular Member
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    #2
    Hey, so this totally sucks, I'm sorry it happened. How long have you guys been together? I think that tells a lot of if the relationship can handle the deployment or not. I wouldn't say he is being "selfless" in doing this... I'd say he's been 100% selfish and only thinking about how it's going to make him feel (especially since it sounds like you've told him you want to wait and love him enough to wait and want to make it work and know you can make it work. Not really fair to you at all. I know it's not as simple as "if he loved you blah blah blah" but it is as simple as you love him, he loves you, you both want your relationship to work, so you both do whatever it takes.
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    #3
    I always said that if it is meant to work it will work... even if that means right now breaking up. I can understand how it would be hard like im in school for another 3 years and he is in DC for 2 so it can be hard to find the time to see one another. But I am a firm believer that If you both want it to work you will sacrifice and make it work. He sounds like he is a lil bit shocked about how much work he will be doing and he doesnt know how to deal with all of it.
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    #4
    ^ agree. Maybe this is more about work than it is about you and your relationship?
  5. Old Newbie
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    #5
    It is definitely more about work and not me and him. He told me that it has nothing to do with how much he loves me or whether he wants to be with me. But with his training he just can't commit to someone. The only way he knows how to survive all of this training and being gone is to do it alone. To me it sounds harder to not have a loved one at home, but for him it is the only way he feels that he will be able to survive it all. Thats the hard part though, knowing it really has nothing to do with us and our relationship
  6. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #6
    No advice but I updated the title for you
  7. Old Newbie
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    #7
    Thanks so much! Haha it wouldn't work for me
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    #8
    Oh also we've been together almost a year! Our relationship progressed really quickly. We knew from early on that we wanted to spend our lives with each other. Sounds so cheesy saying it out loud but we both know that no one could ever replace the other
  9. Senior Member
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Elyse View Post
    It is definitely more about work and not me and him. He told me that it has nothing to do with how much he loves me or whether he wants to be with me. But with his training he just can't commit to someone. The only way he knows how to survive all of this training and being gone is to do it alone. To me it sounds harder to not have a loved one at home, but for him it is the only way he feels that he will be able to survive it all. Thats the hard part though, knowing it really has nothing to do with us and our relationship

    People cope differently under a lot of stress. I know my DB, when he gets super busy, stressed, especially when he was in school, he wouldn't want to talk to me. He tells me ahead of time and would ask me if it's ok, that he hopes I understand and all that. During the week, we wouldn't talk. He said every time we talked and we hung up, it makes him miss me so much more, so he can't focus.

    At the same time, I do agree with the said comment that it does show how he sees your relationship. It's not so "selfless" by taking control of it and ending it, instead of trying to make it work and give you a chance to fight for it. Though I guess he thinks it's better to end it on a "good" note, rather than let it deteriorate due to his commitment to the Marines. He thinks you will feel neglected in the end and he would rather not put you through that.

    Sorry to hear about your break-up though.

    Who knows, maybe after 2 years, you can still get back together.

    I am 101% believer that if you're meant to be together, you will be.

    (But don't live your life hoping you will. I'm just saying it could happen)
  10. Pour a little salt, we were never here
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    #10
    I've heard this line of thought a lot before, and I don't understand it, personally. If everything is as you say, with both wanting each other....why not keep going and *if* either of you become terribly unhappy due to distance, then breakup? To me, it sounds like might want to break up and is using this as an excuse or an easy way to let you down. But assuming that is incorrect and that you both really do love each other, then be together until it actually isn't working any more. If anything though, I would not view him wanting you to move on and find someone new as having your best interest at heart. I want someone who wants me even if distance is involved.
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