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Thread: How not to become resentful....

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    #1

    Confused How not to become resentful....

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    My BF has been gone awhile and will be gone another 7 months or so. This is the first time I have dated someone who is deployed. When he was first away we had daily contact for hours, but as his location changes so does his ability to communicate. Sometimes we will be in a middle of talking and he will disappear for 3 days. I work full time, go to school, hike, etc, but I feel very lonely and distant from him when this happens. I'm trying to be understanding since I know his job is literally life and death, but it makes me feel really unimportant in his life.

    How do I keep from getting resentful?


    Carrie
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    #2
    By realizing he literally has no control over it? If he is making the effort to talk, and giving you, (to the best of his ability), a reason for his disappearance I can't see why you would be resentful. Try not to dwell on it. Next time y'all talk I would have a conversation about what you expect communication wise.

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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by AndreaClaire View Post
    By realizing he literally has no control over it? If he is making the effort to talk, and giving you, (to the best of his ability), a reason for his disappearance I can't see why you would be resentful. Try not to dwell on it. Next time y'all talk I would have a conversation about what you expect communication wise.
    This.
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by cburnsesq View Post
    My BF has been gone awhile and will be gone another 7 months or so. This is the first time I have dated someone who is deployed. When he was first away we had daily contact for hours, but as his location changes so does his ability to communicate. Sometimes we will be in a middle of talking and he will disappear for 3 days. I work full time, go to school, hike, etc, but I feel very lonely and distant from him when this happens. I'm trying to be understanding since I know his job is literally life and death, but it makes me feel really unimportant in his life.

    How do I keep from getting resentful?


    Carrie
    I would start by focusing on how you feel, and what you want, and work from there. You feel unimportant in his life, and obviously you would like to feel important. So what would that look like, him making you feel important? What can he do to make you feel important?

    When DH was gone I never felt resentful over communication because like others said, that's not something in his control. But we also talked about that before he deployed and we set expectations regarding communication. I knew that if he could get in contact with me, he would. That gave me a LOT of comfort. When he couldn't talk to me, I would still feel lonely and often I worried about him, but I never felt resentful over it.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by AndreaClaire View Post
    By realizing he literally has no control over it? If he is making the effort to talk, and giving you, (to the best of his ability), a reason for his disappearance I can't see why you would be resentful. Try not to dwell on it. Next time y'all talk I would have a conversation about what you expect communication wise.
    this.

    He seems to be trying to make time for you so that right there should be your proof that you are important. Like Andrea said, try not to dwell on it. Happiness is about having the right mindset. If you keep a positive outlook, gaps in communication won't seem so bad.




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    #6
    It's definitely one thing if the lack of communication is deliberate - when there's no control to be had over it, it is another. Keep yourself busy, in positive ways as the ladies have said. Approach it with the faith that when and if there is an opportunity, he will make the most of it.
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    #7
    Agree with everyone else, you guys should definitely have a talk about communications and what your expectations are. My DB and I had a break down in communications a few weeks ago and it blew up into this big fight thing. Once we talked about everything and he has been seeing the chaplain for counseling, our communications have gotten a million times better. Sometimes things are out of yours and his control. The internet may not work. He may have to go somewhere else last minute. Do I resent him for any of that? Absolutely not. We keep each other in the loop with what's going on. I think you guys should have that talk too.
    ~Becca~


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    #8

    Duh ok!

    Thanks. Sometimes I guess I doubt whether he has control over it or not...guys are just bad communicators in general! I have to remind myself of this and just get used to it for sure!!
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    #9

    Yes....

    Mine said the same...that he will get in contact with me when he can. I guess it is more difficult because at first we were talking like 3-4 hours a day via email until his situation changed so I'm probably just being a baby!
    This is my first time dealing with it and I agree I need to change my mindset and keep busy/happy.
    Awesome advise. Thank you!
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by cburnsesq View Post
    Thanks. Sometimes I guess I doubt whether he has control over it or not...guys are just bad communicators in general! I have to remind myself of this and just get used to it for sure!!
    You're not being a baby, you just need to establish expectations. I know DH and I first said that 3 calls a week would work for us, but I found myself getting frustrated and we agreed he would call me daily since he had access, I think another conversation about it would be best. Don't make the same mistake I did and hold it all in and then blow up when he has no idea what is coming, because my DH just shuts down when I throw fits (worked when I was 2, doesn't work so well now).

    P.S. I don't think it's fair to just say "oh he's a guy, they're just bad communicators", because that's not fair to guys. Your guy probably will be a better communicator when you work with him on it. Relationships are hard, and they only get smoother when both sides do the hard work.
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