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Thread: Losing faith.

  1. Fresh Newbie
    arfeath's Avatar
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    #1

    Losing faith.

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    I love my fiance more than I've ever thought possible to love a man. We have been together 4 years and 7 months. We have lost our way from time to time but always end up in each others arms. We got engaged in September. He left 2 weeks ago today for his deployment. I know many of you have longer deployments and have children. You are truly amazing women.

    I'm losing faith that I can be a military wife. He's got 6 years in and he's just signed on for another 6 years. After 12 years being in he will only need another 8 to retire with the military.

    I'm at a loss right now. I want more than anything for him to be happy. I want him to follow his dreams and live the life he wants to live.

    And I am just at a loss... Words cannot describe the hole I feel in my life. In the two weeks he's been gone my mother has threatened suicide. My dad asked my mother for a divorce. My grandmother was in the hospital for passing out and breaking her wrist. Meanwhile, my fiance got stuck going out to a strip club(he was out past curfew and nobody would go back to base with him, I truly do not believe he would be there by choice, we have very strong morals). All of which I feel has just crushed any strength I had of getting through this and being a supportive military wife.

    We decided that email would be the best way to communicate because of the time difference. I email him every day. I've poured my heart into those emails. I try to keep it positive so he isn't worried about me and all the crazy things happening in my life. I hardly get anything back from him. I emailed him a week ago to asking him something that was very important to me. He will email me on anything else. But the one email I've been waiting on. But when he does email me it's like he's just shooting out a quick email before he runs off to go snorkeling.

    I feel like I don't even matter. He doesn't even take the time to make sure I'm ok through all of this. He's always running around. All I want is for him to take time out of his day and write me something that can get me through another 24 hours. I've tried explaining this to him. I wasn't cryptic. I was very straight to the point and this is what I need from you. And he got angry with me.

    I'm so hurt right now. I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't do this anymore. I feel like I should leave him before we have children and have to make this messier than it needs to be.

    Someone please... Please tell me there is something that will change. Please tell me there is still hope for me and my fiance. All I've ever wanted from the day I met him was to be his wife. But I can't stand to continue to put myself through this. I don't like to feel negative. I try to be a positive person. Deployment is breaking my heart.
  2. Banned
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    #2
    I'm so sorry to hear about all of the rough things crashing down on you right now. Sending you lots of hugs.
    However, one does not get STUCK going to a strip club. He is an adult. He can call a cab and go home by himself. No one was holding a gun to his head. But I do know my DH went to a strip club with buddies as well because he was so lonely and even though he doesnt like going to them-it was better than sitting in his room/bar alone. So try not to look too far into that part of the equation.

    You need to be very direct and firm with him of your expectations of communication. Right now all you have is communication to keep your relationship alive. If he has the ability to have a cell phone- tell him to download Kakao or WhatsAp. THey are texting programs that work internationally. That will probably be easier to feel more connected than just an email. He may be the type that doesn't enjoy sitting down and writing a mass email. But will do better with texting.

    Perhaps he became defensive when he realized he wasnt stepping up to the plate. Again- perhaps a texting app will bring you both to a better place. I understand what its like for him to always be running around. Mine did the same when overseas. I struggled at first that he wasnt taking the time to always be missing me, writing me etc. But had to realize- hes a dude. they don't do that. And we were more successful with texting. because even if he was out running around, he could shoot me little messages throughout the time. (he was 14 hours ahead)

    Things will change if you are both willing to work on it. I'm assuming this is your first deployment? They suck. It doesn't get easier- you learn to cope more. Get hobbies, reconnect with old friends. Try and stay as busy as possible. Then you won't notice the lull in communication. Its not easy. I won't lie to you and say it is. But you have to decide if your love is worth it. You'll have to deal with this again within the 8 year period of his career I'm sure. Don't discount your strength either. I will say the first month of each deployment is the worst.

    Sending you lots of love, hugs, good vibes
  3. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #3
    First off I'm sorry things are crazy shitty right now

    But no way in hell does one get stuck in a strip club. Get a taxi, call AADD to get him, phone a friend, WALK, stay in the car! ANYTHING. He will not be stuck there unless he wanted to. That is a load of crap.

    Does he know all the shitty things that are going on in your life? If he does he is doing a crap job in supporting you. Is this how you want him to act when y'all are married? You need to have an open and honest conversation about what you expect from the relationship.

    ~Art Page~
    Germy = wifey
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    #4
    Look, he didn't get "stuck" going to a strip club against his will. Strong morals or not, I don't believe that for a second. If he didn't want to go and had no buddy, he could have called his command and explained. His Chief or senior NCO would not have required him to go o a strip club or be in violation of liberty policy. No. Maybe he didn't want to refuse and look difficult to his buddies, but he chose to go along, for whatever reason. And he chose to be out past curfew. He's lying to cover his bad choices. He either wanted to be there, or his "strong morals" weren't enough o give him the spin to stand up to his friends and say he didn't want to go.

    As to whether things can change, that depends on you, and him. You have to be willing to calmly tell him that things are not okay as they are and explain what you need, and be willing to work with him. You have to be willing to set a healthy boundary for yourself. And he has to be willing to go along with that. It sounds like right now, he's enjoying spending his free time as he sees fit. Whether he's willing to make the changes you need is up to him.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
  5. Fresh Newbie
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    This is my first deployment. I've been around for a couple TTY.

    I have been sending him emails for a couple of days now explaining why I was upset. I even sent him a "cheat sheet" on how to help communicate better to me so I don't feel to lonely. He just gets mad at me. He doesn't listen he just keeps saying he's trying as hard as he can. But he hasn't done anything that is on that list and he hasn't changed how he speaks to me or what he says in his emails. I don't understand. I've done everything to try and make sure he knows that I love him. I've sent him packages, I send him love letters, I send him pictures of me missing him. The second I asked for for anything he gets offended like what he's doing isn't enough. I don't think he realizes how lonely it is for me. I've tried to explain. I've explained what's going on with things here. I try to not just just dump on him. But then he doesn't even ask me how things are going. If things have improved, if things have gotten worse or how I'm dealing with it all. I just so hurt. I don't even know anymore. I thought we could make it through anything. I've tried everything. At first I figured if I treated him extra extra good he would turn around but he didn't. So when I calmly tried to talk to him about it, that didn't work. </3

    I knew this would be hard but I thought we discussed our expectations enough before he left and he's just not holding his end of the bargain.
  6. Senior Member
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    #6
    It sounds like he's not interested in compromising or changing. That must be very difficult. I'm sorry.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #7
    I don't know what more I can do....

    Thanks for all the hugs!
  8. Regular Member
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    #8
    I think you have overloaded him. It sounds like he is frustrated by all your needs and is having a hard time juggling them and also doing his job. Your idea of compromise might be closer to actually demanding him to change more than he is able to. Honestly, I would give him space. Men are fixers. When they feel like they can't fix something, they get frustrated and push away a little bit. You need to show him that he DOES do enough for you instead of giving him lists of things to do and complaining when it doesn't happen. Figure out each other's "love language" (there's a book for that!) and go from there. It sounds like what you want and what he can give are two different things.
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    #9
    We read love languages. I haven't been demanding an exercise in the book was to make a list. So that's what I did. The book also explains that your loved one should learn your language. He's not willing to learn mine.
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    #10
    Well then I think you know where you are with this. Nobody can tell you it's magically going to change. The beautiful thing is that you have control of your own life and happiness! Good luck.
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