Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Feeling Guilty

  1. Fresh Newbie
    katb12's Avatar
    katb12 is offline
    Fresh Newbie
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    4
    #1

    Feeling Guilty

    Advertisements
    Hey there!

    I'm new to the site so hopefully I'm doing everything correctly.

    For starters, my DB and I have been together for 5 years. We went to college together and lived with one another for 2 years. He left for AF pilot training about 7 months ago and it's been incredibly hard. This is the first real long distance we've ever had to deal with and I'm not doing a very good job. I find myself constantly becoming angry by our situation and taking out my loneliness and frustration on him. I was extremely supportive of him during his years in ROTC, when he left for field training, IFS and everything in between, but now I'm tired and I fell like his goals and career are at the forefront of everything and that I've never been nor will I ever be a priority. I know this isn't true, my DB treats me with respect and he is supportive of my dreams and career goals but in reality his actions differ from his words. It'll be me who moves to where he is stationed, I'm the one who waits up at night for phone calls, I'm the one posting on forums like this to get more advice on how to make things better.

    Ultimately, I feel guilty. I feel like I should be supportive and love him unconditionally but it has become increasingly harder to not feel resentful, especially when he doesn't have much time to talk. I feel worried that I'm pushing him away with my attitude, frustrated that I can't explain myself without getting angry, and guilty that I'm a bad girlfriend. Any advice on how to get out of this rut?
  2. Senior Member
    Kirst's Avatar
    Kirst is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    3,151
    Blog Entries
    2
    #2
    First off, it's great that you're recognizing your emotions and how your attitude towards him is unfair. And it's great that he is supportive of your life and your dreams. But there does come a time when you have to accept his career choice and it sounds like you're having a hard time with that. Sure, you may have to move throughout his time in the military but you don't have to lose yourself along the way. Have a talk with him; let him know how you're feeling and apologize for acting ill with him. It gets hard when you're separated for so long. Let yourself have a cry then pick yourself back up.
  3. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
    Tojai's Avatar
    Tojai is offline
    Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    St. Pete FL
    Posts
    30,026


    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by katb12 View Post
    Hey there!

    I'm new to the site so hopefully I'm doing everything correctly.

    For starters, my DB and I have been together for 5 years. We went to college together and lived with one another for 2 years. He left for AF pilot training about 7 months ago and it's been incredibly hard. This is the first real long distance we've ever had to deal with and I'm not doing a very good job. I find myself constantly becoming angry by our situation and taking out my loneliness and frustration on him. I was extremely supportive of him during his years in ROTC, when he left for field training, IFS and everything in between, but now I'm tired and I fell like his goals and career are at the forefront of everything and that I've never been nor will I ever be a priority. I know this isn't true, my DB treats me with respect and he is supportive of my dreams and career goals but in reality his actions differ from his words. It'll be me who moves to where he is stationed, I'm the one who waits up at night for phone calls, I'm the one posting on forums like this to get more advice on how to make things better.

    Ultimately, I feel guilty. I feel like I should be supportive and love him unconditionally but it has become increasingly harder to not feel resentful, especially when he doesn't have much time to talk. I feel worried that I'm pushing him away with my attitude, frustrated that I can't explain myself without getting angry, and guilty that I'm a bad girlfriend. Any advice on how to get out of this rut?
    You say you don't feel like you are a priority, and though your DB tells you that you are, his actions differ from his words. What actions could he do that you think would be in line with those words? Which specific actions of his are making you feel that he doesn't prioritize you? I wonder if you did some soul searching and came up with some answers, it might make it less upsetting and frustrating to try to explain yourself to him.

    I don't think you're a bad girlfriend. It just sounds like you guys are figuring out how to handle some new stuff that's been thrown your way. LDRs are stressful, training is stressful, upcoming move is is stressful, etc.

    The only other thing I can think of is that it's ok to scale back on the "extremely supportive" bit. I've known some couples who have issues with that, because one person will take on this role of supporter and pretty much run themselves ragged trying to give soooo much to the other person. And then the person receiving support feels overwhelmed because the supporter person naturally wants validation for all the support they're giving. So it can become a whole other issue that the couple get wrapped up in, when it's very possible that the level of support is doing more harm than good. I hope that made sense! I think that's the most I've ever typed "support" in one paragraph.
  4. Fresh Newbie
    katb12's Avatar
    katb12 is offline
    Fresh Newbie
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    4
    #4
    That made total sense haha! Thanks for the advice, that's an insight I've never thought about before and I think in a lot of ways it applies to the situation I'm finding myself in now. Wanting validation, feeling like I'm not getting enough. I think backing off a bit and taking a break may do a lot of good. I'll be visiting him in a few weeks so hopefully that will be a fun and relaxing trip! Thanks again!
  5. Senior Member
    Anna*Banana's Avatar
    Anna*Banana is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    2,127
    #5
    I felt like that a lot while he was in the Army. In fact he ended up getting out of the Army mostly because of me. I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that the Army had to come first in his life. I also had my own career goals that coudln't have been fufilled if he stayed in the Army (at least that was my impression at the time). He could have chosen to stay in the Army and if that were the case we would probably not be celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary in 2 weeks but I knew I wasn't going to be happy in that life.

    While I think him getting out of the Army was the right move for him and our family, I still have guilt over the way it ended. I wish I could have been more supportive and less resentful. Regardless though the outcome was the right thing for both of us.

    The most ironic part of this story is that he is now in the Navy!! I never thought we'd be back in the military but after the Army he went to law school and now he is a JAG in the Navy. This job fits us so much better and is the right comproimse for us.

    I don't have any advice on how to get yourself out of the rut but feel free to PM me if you want to talk more. I think there is an important balance to strike between making sure you are being supportive and being true to yourself!

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •