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Thread: DB Not In Love?

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    DB Not In Love?

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    Hi everyone, I have tried to find a similar post about this topic. I have been with my BF for about 2 years and he took a deployment with the navy in February of this year (2014). Our relationship was strong and perfect when he left. We made it almost 4 months without one problem and maintained strongly in love. Then communication went down on his ship for a while and I did not hear from him for about 4 weeks. His family heard nothing either. We had to contact the ship to finally get him to email us. He said the email went down and he just got 'comfortable' without our relationship. He sounds very cold, distant, emotionless and NOT himself. He avoids emails from me and has now said he isn't in love, he never thought this could happen but he doesn't think he will be able to get back in love. It's shocking to say the least. I know he is really busy/stressed with his job but he is not in combat, he is on a ship. He has a past of shutting down like this on deployment and getting depressed. He won't admit he is depressed and just keeps saying he is not in love. We only have 3 months left so this is the midway point. I am unsure what to do, if giving him his space will let him sink further into depression/distance or what to do. Or if this is common midway? It seems like it could be. But I am not sure if I should just pack up his stuff and move on or stick it out? It's hard to know if he is serious or depressed. I don't know how I can make him fall back in love through this situation if he has shut me out. Any similar stories or advice would be much appreciated!! Thank you!
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    #2
    Honestly, here is about 0% chance that all comms were down for a month. That is not something I would believe unlss he's on a sub or there was some other extreme situation (I can't think of one that I'd believe, but it might exist).

    This man tells you he doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you. He's not willing to put in the effort to even communicate with you. Why on earth would you want to be with someone like that? Don't you think you deserve more? Don't you feel like you deserve to be with someone who can't imagine his life without you, instead of someone you have to beg to even talk to you? Don't you think your boyfriend shouldn't be someone you have to "make" fall in love with you, but instead someone who couldn't not love you even if he tried?

    No, this is not common midway. And don't let him use deployment as an excuse. This isn't about deployment. Not even a little bit. It's about who he is as a man. And who he is is someone who doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you. That's harsh, and it probably hurts to hear, but you need to see the reality of your situation. Cut your losses, move on, and find a man who treasures you and sees you as the partner he *needs* to have in his life.
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    HI villanelle:
    No, the comms did not go down for a month, just about a week I think, but that is when he shut down. He admitted to totally shutting down and not even consciously realizing he was doing it. His family said this happened to him when he was stationed in Japan and they had to get the red cross involved to 'wake him up' from this shut down. And that he is depressed. We had the CMC of the ship talk to him to contact his family and he just nodded/was out of it he said. I hear what you are saying and you are right, I guess the actual deployment factor is what is confusing me. He actually WAS 100% that man you described before this incident. You should see the cards he wrote me and the emails he sent just shortly before this happened and he sorta flipped a switch. He has been really vague and just says he knows he can't ask me to wait to figure it out. He says there is no one else and it's not cheating or anything like that which at this point I believe.
    But I guess the writing is on the wall too. I'm just floored by this and it's my first deployment so I don't want to bail on him halfway-I think he is honestly confused as to why this even happened to him?
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    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    Honestly, here is about 0% chance that all comms were down for a month. That is not something I would believe unlss he's on a sub or there was some other extreme situation (I can't think of one that I'd believe, but it might exist).

    This man tells you he doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you. He's not willing to put in the effort to even communicate with you. Why on earth would you want to be with someone like that? Don't you think you deserve more? Don't you feel like you deserve to be with someone who can't imagine his life without you, instead of someone you have to beg to even talk to you? Don't you think your boyfriend shouldn't be someone you have to "make" fall in love with you, but instead someone who couldn't not love you even if he tried?

    No, this is not common midway. And don't let him use deployment as an excuse. This isn't about deployment. Not even a little bit. It's about who he is as a man. And who he is is someone who doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you. That's harsh, and it probably hurts to hear, but you need to see the reality of your situation. Cut your losses, move on, and find a man who treasures you and sees you as the partner he *needs* to have in his life.
    100% agree. Many of our SO's have deployed. They don't just tell us they don't love us anymore or have "gotten used to being without us" after not being able to talk to us for a while. I would just stop talking to him and letting him be.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Navy_RM View Post
    His family said this happened to him when he was stationed in Japan and they had to get the red cross involved to 'wake him up' from this shut down. And that he is depressed.
    Medically diagnosed as depressed, or is that just what you and his family are calling it? Maybe it turns out he needs to use "out of sight out of mind" as a means of coping. Once comms went down and he could not speak with you, he realized it was easier on him that way, so he just continued not communicating with you. Then, since he thought life was easier when he didn't communicate with you, he figures it means he is not in love with you.
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    Quote Originally Posted by dekeoboe View Post
    Medically diagnosed as depressed, or is that just what you and his family are calling it? Maybe it turns out he needs to use "out of sight out of mind" as a means of coping. Once comms went down and he could not speak with you, he realized it was easier on him that way, so he just continued not communicating with you. Then, since he thought life was easier when he didn't communicate with you, he figures it means he is not in love with you.
    well, he told me himself he gets depressed during deployments in the past but said he knew he wouldn't now that he had me to go through this one with him, that came from him though but he hasn't ever sought treatment-so can't say if it is clinical, and that his family has said he has in the past done this exact thing with communication. Yes that could very well be his coping mechanism of choice it seems. His mom is currently undergoing brain cancer treatment and he is ignoring her as well, and his father on father's day and they are all coming to me now for support/help with this. I don't really have answers as he is shutting everyone off. Thank you for your help in getting to the bottom of this ladies I appreciate you feedback and god bless you and your families!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Navy_RM View Post
    well, he told me himself he gets depressed during deployments in the past but said he knew he wouldn't now that he had me to go through this one with him, that came from him though but he hasn't ever sought treatment-so can't say if it is clinical, and that his family has said he has in the past done this exact thing with communication. Yes that could very well be his coping mechanism of choice it seems. His mom is currently undergoing brain cancer treatment and he is ignoring her as well, and his father on father's day and they are all coming to me now for support/help with this. I don't really have answers as he is shutting everyone off. Thank you for your help in getting to the bottom of this ladies I appreciate you feedback and god bless you and your families!
    I would take him at what he says and let him go. He may be doing you a favor because I can't imagine any man I'd be interested in unable to "get out of himself" to not be there for his parents during a time of need. Let alone someone he should love. Imagine if you were to marry and have kids with him. You'd probably be the only holding the relationship together.
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    Aright, so a "I tend to withdraw a little during deployment and go through times I don't want to talk much, so please understand". But a "I don't love you" is cruel. Plus, he's in the military. He's going to deploy again. Are you going to subject yourself to this kind of behavior every deployment or any time he's away? How is that fair to you? I would leave.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Navy_RM View Post
    Hi everyone, I have tried to find a similar post about this topic. I have been with my BF for about 2 years and he took a deployment with the navy in February of this year (2014). Our relationship was strong and perfect when he left. We made it almost 4 months without one problem and maintained strongly in love. Then communication went down on his ship for a while and I did not hear from him for about 4 weeks. His family heard nothing either. We had to contact the ship to finally get him to email us. He said the email went down and he just got 'comfortable' without our relationship. He sounds very cold, distant, emotionless and NOT himself. He avoids emails from me and has now said he isn't in love, he never thought this could happen but he doesn't think he will be able to get back in love. It's shocking to say the least. I know he is really busy/stressed with his job but he is not in combat, he is on a ship. He has a past of shutting down like this on deployment and getting depressed. He won't admit he is depressed and just keeps saying he is not in love. We only have 3 months left so this is the midway point. I am unsure what to do, if giving him his space will let him sink further into depression/distance or what to do. Or if this is common midway? It seems like it could be. But I am not sure if I should just pack up his stuff and move on or stick it out? It's hard to know if he is serious or depressed. I don't know how I can make him fall back in love through this situation if he has shut me out. Any similar stories or advice would be much appreciated!! Thank you!
    Quote Originally Posted by Navy_RM View Post
    HI villanelle:
    No, the comms did not go down for a month, just about a week I think, but that is when he shut down. He admitted to totally shutting down and not even consciously realizing he was doing it. His family said this happened to him when he was stationed in Japan and they had to get the red cross involved to 'wake him up' from this shut down. And that he is depressed. We had the CMC of the ship talk to him to contact his family and he just nodded/was out of it he said. I hear what you are saying and you are right, I guess the actual deployment factor is what is confusing me. He actually WAS 100% that man you described before this incident. You should see the cards he wrote me and the emails he sent just shortly before this happened and he sorta flipped a switch. He has been really vague and just says he knows he can't ask me to wait to figure it out. He says there is no one else and it's not cheating or anything like that which at this point I believe.
    But I guess the writing is on the wall too. I'm just floored by this and it's my first deployment so I don't want to bail on him halfway-I think he is honestly confused as to why this even happened to him?
    Quote Originally Posted by Navy_RM View Post
    well, he told me himself he gets depressed during deployments in the past but said he knew he wouldn't now that he had me to go through this one with him, that came from him though but he hasn't ever sought treatment-so can't say if it is clinical, and that his family has said he has in the past done this exact thing with communication. Yes that could very well be his coping mechanism of choice it seems. His mom is currently undergoing brain cancer treatment and he is ignoring her as well, and his father on father's day and they are all coming to me now for support/help with this. I don't really have answers as he is shutting everyone off. Thank you for your help in getting to the bottom of this ladies I appreciate you feedback and god bless you and your families!
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Navy_RM View Post
    Hi everyone, I have tried to find a similar post about this topic. I have been with my BF for about 2 years and he took a deployment with the navy in February of this year (2014). Our relationship was strong and perfect when he left. We made it almost 4 months without one problem and maintained strongly in love. Then communication went down on his ship for a while and I did not hear from him for about 4 weeks. His family heard nothing either. We had to contact the ship to finally get him to email us. He said the email went down and he just got 'comfortable' without our relationship. He sounds very cold, distant, emotionless and NOT himself. He avoids emails from me and has now said he isn't in love, he never thought this could happen but he doesn't think he will be able to get back in love. It's shocking to say the least. I know he is really busy/stressed with his job but he is not in combat, he is on a ship. He has a past of shutting down like this on deployment and getting depressed. He won't admit he is depressed and just keeps saying he is not in love. We only have 3 months left so this is the midway point. I am unsure what to do, if giving him his space will let him sink further into depression/distance or what to do. Or if this is common midway? It seems like it could be. But I am not sure if I should just pack up his stuff and move on or stick it out? It's hard to know if he is serious or depressed. I don't know how I can make him fall back in love through this situation if he has shut me out. Any similar stories or advice would be much appreciated!! Thank you!
    You contacted his ship because you didn't hear from your boyfriend????????????????


    Some people do better off not concentrating on shit back home. They just want to stick with their routine, make it day to day and get through it. Deployment on a boat sucks. It's boring, it's tiring, it's stressful. I would flip my shit if my boyfriend or family had contacted my boat though because they felt they didn't hear from me enough.
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