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Thread: Staying POSITIVE

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    #1

    Jump for Joy Staying POSITIVE

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    Hello everyone, I just joined this site because it seems like a great support group, and my DB is leaving in one week, for a year. After several weeks of stormy emotions, today I was actually excited about him leaving, and decided to make a list of all the positives...wanted to share in case it helps some of y'all too.

    #1 We get to build a strong foundation. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!
    #2 Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'm so thankful that I have someone that is worth waiting for.
    #3 I will have time to focus on school and work, without distractions. Most my time/energy is focused on him while he's home.
    #4 Letters!!! I get to write (and he gets to receive) lots and lots of letters! Yayyy
    #5 Care packages! It's so much fun to plan and pack boxes to send, and think about him opening them...
    #6 The longer the waiting, the sweeter the kiss. Mmmmmm
    #7 I get to learn how to be emotionally resilient/strong/stable without my man to fall back on. Many women never get that chance.
    #8 Ultimately, the life we have together will be worth it all.

    Summary of some other things that have encouraged me:
    It's totally normal to feel crazy upset, angry, emotional, sad, detached, or a combination of all the above (me yesterday, lol). However, it's best not to dwell on those feelings but instead get back to the positive/busy/caring mindset quickly as you can. Be open with your SO about these feelings (if that's what y'all are comfortable with), but again, don't dwell, or he will worry about you. Make sure he knows that you love him and that everything will be fine. And it will.
    Stay busy, work on you, and set goals (such as planning to send a care package every month-after 12 packages, time is up!)
    Fears/insecurities/doubts about his faithfulness and love for you...DON'T EVEN GO THERE. It will tear you (and your r/s) apart. Yes it happens, but remember he probably has the same fears about you. So think of him, and reassure him that he is worth waiting for (because he totally is!)
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    #2
    Sounds like you're in a great mindset!
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    #3
    Thanks Volare!! Working on it!
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    #4
    How do you not go there tho? (With fears and such) my DB now is wonderful and I love and miss him but I felt the same with my ex who told me he loved me and couldn't wait to marry me and I found out he was cheating half of our relationship. I never saw it coming. It's scary to put so much trust in one person. I try not to dwell on the past and being burned but thinking DB is gone and I can't talk to him is frightening. I do well until the work day is slow and then I worry. So what's a trick to stop/lessen the worrying? I don't want to throw it at DB, he has his own things to deal with (plus we can't even talk right now).
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by aebarlow14 View Post
    How do you not go there tho? (With fears and such) my DB now is wonderful and I love and miss him but I felt the same with my ex who told me he loved me and couldn't wait to marry me and I found out he was cheating half of our relationship. I never saw it coming. It's scary to put so much trust in one person. I try not to dwell on the past and being burned but thinking DB is gone and I can't talk to him is frightening. I do well until the work day is slow and then I worry. So what's a trick to stop/lessen the worrying? I don't want to throw it at DB, he has his own things to deal with (plus we can't even talk right now).
    aebarlow14, I know the feeling...wish there were a magic trick to help lessen the worry, but there's really not. I've found that talking about those fears to your SO actually makes it worse (for both of you). Several things that have helped me:
    1) Try to think concretely, which means take everything at face value (example: he says he loves you and wants to be with you, he has always been trustworthy up to this point, so believe that he means it). 2) He's probably been burned before too, and has the same fears/insecurities; let him know that you're there for him and that he can trust you. 3) Write a list of the worse things that could happen, and how you would handle it. That seems negative, but actually sets your mind at rest somewhat. Then you can write a list of the best/likely things that will happen. 4) Distraction. Once you've thought through those things, then get moving, do something to distract your mind from torturing itself to death. 5) Remember, as much as you love and miss DB, your life is not 100% all about him. It's never a good idea to put all your hopes and plans on one person (people will always let you down). Be there for him, but have your own life, career, friends, and hobbies. That way, if something ever happens, you will still be you.
    This is not a one time process, has to be repeated over and over as the fears pop up again.
    On another note, asked my SO what he expects from me while he's gone (relationship wise), and he said "honesty". So basically, he wants to be best friends, but not really exclusive, while he's gone for a year. At first I was really freaked out, felt taken advantage of, and so insecure. But then I realized, you know what? He's loved me since we met, both in word and action, he's never cheated on me before, and he's been cheated on/rejected multiple times, usually in a LDR. So he's probably scared out of his mind about me throwing him over, and doesn't want to leave room for that. Worst case scenario, he wants to keep me on a string, and do whatever he feels like. Okay, so that has happened to me before, it hurt like heck, but I learned a lot, and I would much rather an honest best friend than a secretly cheating DB. So, I CHOOSE to trust him, and love him in this moment.
    Hope that helps!!
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