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Thread: New to military life and first short duty tour :|

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    New to military life and first short duty tour :|

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    I just joined this site today after being super stressed out and realizing I need a little support. My boyfriend keeps telling me I need to find other people to talk to instead of holding it all in to myself. We have been dating over 5 years and 5 months ago he joined the USAF. He just found out that he will be on a short duty tour to South Korea. He is really supportive and positive, and we have been discussing marriage for a while now (before he joined). I don't have other people who have been in my situation. None of my close family/friends are military and since we are new to the military lifestyle I haven't met other military spouses/gf's yet. Therefore I really don't have anyone to talk to about this who would understand what it's like. I am currently living in NY and he is finishing tech school in Texas. Then in September is off to South Korea. If we were married I would be able to move with him, but everyone has advised against it-including his other military friends. I work in accounting but have switched majors and have also just gotten to a point where I am ready to apply for nursing school. I planned to start it at a school nearby when he got his first base. I know others are dealt with much worse scenarios, but I have been feeling so angry that he is being sent to South Korea and that we are in our 20's and basically living our lives separately and will see each other maybe once next year. It makes me feel alone, and small things are making me angry at him- such as the fact that he can't come with me to any weddings this summer. I have absolutely no experience in this lifestyle and I'm not so sure what I'm getting myself into. We have been long distance before, but the thought of South Korea is a lot to swallow.
  2. Senior Member
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    #2
    I remember feeling so overwhelmed and terrified because I was right where you were before DH (then DB) was about to leave for a long deployment. It ended up being shorter at the front and the back so that was awesome, but I found so much support and solace here. Everything you're feeling right now is totally normal. And, most exciting of all, you are totally capable of surviving this, and becoming so much stronger for it! Although I wish my DH would never leave another day as long as we are together, I have come to cherish the time apart as opportunities to grow our relationship, and myself. I've become so much stronger, more resilient, and independent, and my DH and I have gone through so much together and apart that we are rock solid, and have been since that first time apart. It's going to hurt. Some days you'll want to give up and people will never stop reminding you that this thing you're doing is harrrrrrd. But if you both put in the work, it will be so 1000% worth it.

    You can do this!
  3. "If you don't like my attitude, quit talking to me"
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    #3
    Even if you get married you cannot move with him.
    Short tours are unaccompanied, so it won't matter if you are married or not.

    I suggest holding off on marriage and just continuing with your plans for school and such that you are already thinking of.

    If you can survive this you can likely survive almost anything.

    There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't
  4. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by emilycampbell37 View Post
    I just joined this site today after being super stressed out and realizing I need a little support. My boyfriend keeps telling me I need to find other people to talk to instead of holding it all in to myself. We have been dating over 5 years and 5 months ago he joined the USAF. He just found out that he will be on a short duty tour to South Korea. He is really supportive and positive, and we have been discussing marriage for a while now (before he joined). I don't have other people who have been in my situation. None of my close family/friends are military and since we are new to the military lifestyle I haven't met other military spouses/gf's yet. Therefore I really don't have anyone to talk to about this who would understand what it's like. I am currently living in NY and he is finishing tech school in Texas. Then in September is off to South Korea. If we were married I would be able to move with him, but everyone has advised against it-including his other military friends. I work in accounting but have switched majors and have also just gotten to a point where I am ready to apply for nursing school. I planned to start it at a school nearby when he got his first base. I know others are dealt with much worse scenarios, but I have been feeling so angry that he is being sent to South Korea and that we are in our 20's and basically living our lives separately and will see each other maybe once next year. It makes me feel alone, and small things are making me angry at him- such as the fact that he can't come with me to any weddings this summer. I have absolutely no experience in this lifestyle and I'm not so sure what I'm getting myself into. We have been long distance before, but the thought of South Korea is a lot to swallow.
    Hi and welcome.
    As Trish has said, even if you do get married, you won't just get to "go with him" - his orders will be unaccompanied and it is not as simple as getting married for them to be altered, especially since you have said they are a short tour. Marriage at this point won't change any of the things you want to be changed.
    Believe it or not, plenty of people can empathize and understand the things you are going through even without having been in a military relationship. The "military" aspect of it is not the issue - this is a LDR, a relationship facing major changes, etc -- those are things that others have experienced and can offer empathy, support and insight based on their own life experiences.
    For the health of your relationship it would be helpful to learn to separate your feelings about the situation from your feelings about him.
  5. Senior Member
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    #5


    Yup, BTDT, and I totally understand where you are coming from. When DH got orders to Japan, I was absolutely enraged for about 2 weeks. I was SO SO SO angry at the military. Because him going to Japan and living apart for 2 years (after already being long distance for 2 years) was NEVER something that we would have chose. For us, him going to Japan was absolutely and completely a military thing only. It never would have happened if he wasn't military. And, this concept really ate away at me for a long time. For me, I just did my best to focus on the positives and over time, the anger subsided.

    And to be perfectly honest, since getting to Japan, DH has missed every holiday, every birthday, every anniversary. He's missed everything. The more that you can anticipate and accept that yeah, he's going to miss stuff, the happier you will be.

    I also wanted to touch on your comment about how the idea of South Korea is a lot to swallow. I totally totally get it. This is a touchy subject because it always ends up sounding like "oh, but I have it seeewwww much worse than you", but for me, having DH in Japan has been a LOT different than when we were a 2.5 hour plane flight apart. And it's definitely much harder than when he lived an hour drive away. For me, it has absolutely been different having DH overseas versus LD stateside. The best thing that I can say is that once he gets over there, you will both find a routine that will work for you. And, it just takes time to get there.

    This is a great site for support, so glad you found it.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by roxieluvs View Post
    I remember feeling so overwhelmed and terrified because I was right where you were before DH (then DB) was about to leave for a long deployment. It ended up being shorter at the front and the back so that was awesome, but I found so much support and solace here. Everything you're feeling right now is totally normal. And, most exciting of all, you are totally capable of surviving this, and becoming so much stronger for it! Although I wish my DH would never leave another day as long as we are together, I have come to cherish the time apart as opportunities to grow our relationship, and myself. I've become so much stronger, more resilient, and independent, and my DH and I have gone through so much together and apart that we are rock solid, and have been since that first time apart. It's going to hurt. Some days you'll want to give up and people will never stop reminding you that this thing you're doing is harrrrrrd. But if you both put in the work, it will be so 1000% worth it.

    You can do this!
    thank you for your kind words!! I'm glad to have found this website full of supporters.
  7. Fresh Newbie
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by MissNik View Post


    Yup, BTDT, and I totally understand where you are coming from. When DH got orders to Japan, I was absolutely enraged for about 2 weeks. I was SO SO SO angry at the military. Because him going to Japan and living apart for 2 years (after already being long distance for 2 years) was NEVER something that we would have chose. For us, him going to Japan was absolutely and completely a military thing only. It never would have happened if he wasn't military. And, this concept really ate away at me for a long time. For me, I just did my best to focus on the positives and over time, the anger subsided.

    And to be perfectly honest, since getting to Japan, DH has missed every holiday, every birthday, every anniversary. He's missed everything. The more that you can anticipate and accept that yeah, he's going to miss stuff, the happier you will be.

    I also wanted to touch on your comment about how the idea of South Korea is a lot to swallow. I totally totally get it. This is a touchy subject because it always ends up sounding like "oh, but I have it seeewwww much worse than you", but for me, having DH in Japan has been a LOT different than when we were a 2.5 hour plane flight apart. And it's definitely much harder than when he lived an hour drive away. For me, it has absolutely been different having DH overseas versus LD stateside. The best thing that I can say is that once he gets over there, you will both find a routine that will work for you. And, it just takes time to get there.

    This is a great site for support, so glad you found it.
    seriously your words are my exact thoughts, i'm glad to hear that other people have felt that way too... that it never would have happened if he wasn't military. but he is! I feel really bad for thinking it, but I can't help it right now. so I will try to think positive and learn to accept it. I just found out last Tuesday so it's still new for me (as is everything military at this point), he leaves in September. I am going to visit Texas in May and then he is doing recruiter assistance, so he'll be back for a few days there too before leaving. thanks so much for responding
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by emilycampbell37 View Post
    seriously your words are my exact thoughts, i'm glad to hear that other people have felt that way too... that it never would have happened if he wasn't military. but he is! I feel really bad for thinking it, but I can't help it right now. so I will try to think positive and learn to accept it. I just found out last Tuesday so it's still new for me (as is everything military at this point), he leaves in September. I am going to visit Texas in May and then he is doing recruiter assistance, so he'll be back for a few days there too before leaving. thanks so much for responding


    I don't think that you should feel bad about how you feel and the emotions that you are experiencing. I think that anger is a very normal reaction, as long as it's not taken out on others.

    Less than a week is still pretty new. It's probably going to be a bumpy ride for you emotionally over the next few months until he leaves, and then also the first couple of months after he gets there (it was for me anyways). Try to stay as positive as possible, use this website for support, and always remind yourself that it is short-term (even if it doesn't feel like it). Feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat.
  9. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #9
    Korea's really not so bad. You've got an idea of when he'll be back so you're able to do what you need to do to move yourself forward in the year or however long he's overseas. The tour also "typically" has a follow-on as the incentive for doing it so he'll be able to have a little bit more of a preference when it comes to his next assignment.

    Osan is accompanied and the 24 month tour is considered a short tour, the 12 month tour is unaccompanied.
  10. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by MissNik View Post


    I don't think that you should feel bad about how you feel and the emotions that you are experiencing. I think that anger is a very normal reaction, as long as it's not taken out on others.

    Less than a week is still pretty new. It's probably going to be a bumpy ride for you emotionally over the next few months until he leaves, and then also the first couple of months after he gets there (it was for me anyways). Try to stay as positive as possible, use this website for support, and always remind yourself that it is short-term (even if it doesn't feel like it). Feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat.
    The anticipation was the most stressful for me, once the tour got started it seemed less stressful because time was headed toward him coming home rather than him leaving.
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