Feeling wicked down today

[FenwayFaithful]

I’ve never really been a happy person. I spent most of my teenage years depressed and I’ve had…issues. When I met him…everything changed. For six month I felt like the happiest and luckiest girl in the world. It was the most unbelievable thing I’ve ever experienced. For the first time in my life I felt really and truly happy. The distance sucked but every moment I spent with him was worth it, hearing his voice every night, knowing how much he loved me, he was always there, he always made my days better, I loved having him to talk to. Our communication was phenomenal I thought I’d met my soul mate, we could talk for hours. He told me I taught him how to feel again that no one had ever made him as happy as I did. I trusted him 100 percent, I could tell him anything and everything and not be afraid of his reaction… we were so great, and I was so happy.
Things are different now. I’m not happy anymore. Ever. He’s always busy with school or training or sports or poker or catching up on sleep. The guy who used to say all technology would have to cease to function for us not to talk for a day suddenly goes days without even an email. I keep thinking it will get better but it doesn’t. We never talk on weekends. We talk very rarely during the week…. I miss him. I miss the way it was. I don’t trust him anymore. Don’t trust that that loves me… lately I’ve been paranoid that he’s lying, that he doesn’t want to spend time with me, the he doesn’t want to talk to me… if he really loved me would he really go days without talking to me? Why did things change so drastically? He’s at the same military academy he was at last year so how he can be 20 times busier than he used to be? Why are our conversations no longer meaningful, frequent, long etc... He says he still loves me. He says he’s sorry that he’s so busy, says he wants me to be happy and he worries about me… I just want things to go back to how they were. I want the guy who I could text for hours and spend all night on the phone with… I don’t feel loved anymore. I don’t trust him. He says he still cares but…we hardly talk anymore and when we do he’s so tired/distracted/apathetic… It just hurts so much because I don’t think we can ever go back to how we were, I don’t even think he wants to…I used to make him happy but I don’t think I do anymore…I don’t know if anything does.

I'm going to see him this weekend, he has to go to a football game on Saturday so I won't see him until Saturday night and I have to leave Sunday night but it'll still be nice... I was supposed to go up Friday but he says he can't take out a pass then... when though my friend Drew says he would be able to as long as he's back before his first duty Saturday...but it might be because my boyfriend is in a different company/class rank or it be because he's lying...I'd prefer it to be the former.

[Moxie]

If you rely on a relationship to make you happy, you will always fall back into this rut. You need to be truly happy BEFORE you get into a relationship if you ever want to make it through the difficult times and changes that occur in any given relationship.

NEVER rely on ANYONE ELSE to make you happy. Make YOU happy, then SHARE happiness with someone else.