I need some serious advice (long)

[armygf08]

So you may have seen my post from the first of May talking about how DF sent me a message breaking up with me and deleting me off of myspace. When him and I first started dating, he was still married, but separated from his wife. They were separated for about 2 years, she was already with someone else. So, his divorce was finalized a few days ago. DF and I had planned that we were going to go to the court house and get married when he got back.

In his letters that he was sending to me, he was telling me that he doesnt feel like he has experienced life, and doesnt know where he wants to go in life. Kind of hinting around dating other women. So I flat out asked him if thats what he wanted. He said that he doesnt want to go around and just sleep with them, but he doesnt know if there is something else that he is missing. So we finally got to talk on IM and it came out that he was "scared as ****" about getting married, and him knowing that I want to have kids soon. And with me moving out there when he gets back, he said money is tight for him right now and he doesnt want that to strain our relationship, cause it did his last one. And he is afraid that he is going to ruin my life if I hate it out there, or things dont work out, cause his ex blames him for ruining her life. I told him that he needs to come to me about things. And that how will we even know if it would work out if I dont go out there, its a chance that we have to take and if it doesnt work, its a life lesson, he isnt forcing me to move there and that Im making the decision myself.

Our relationship has moved fast. We have been together for a year and half and he has been deployed for a year of it. He is due home within the next month or so. I kept asking him to give "us" another shot and work through this cause thats what you do in relationships. (this is the very FIRST bump in the road for us). So he agreed saying that there was nothing wrong with us and that I have been perfect to him. He apologized saying he feels like an ass... He said that he wants to take things slower, really get to know eachother, and push off me moving out there a few more months. Everything was fine at the end of our convo, had one the next day that went great, he said that he just wants us to go right back to where we were as if this never happened, cause he would like to forget about it.

So, now a few days have passed since all of this. I have sent him a couple emails asking him about me booking a flight to go out there to see him when he gets back, and about us taking a little trip when he's home, just trying to figure out dates. He hasnt responded. (this is nothing new in our relationship. He SUCKS at communicating, its something that I have kinda learned to deal with, but feel like Im starting over again. Its not out of the norm for him to read my emails, me ask questions and him not respond). but I sent him an instant message telling him I need to talk to you. Still, nothing. So today he got on, didnt contact me (he always signs in invisible to everyone on his IM....y?? I dunno he always has). So I sent him an email telling him that he is seriously freaking me out, cause the last time he did this, he broke up with me. I asked him to write me just so I know everything is ok.....Nothing.

So I finally got over it and apologized to him for freaking out. Im scared that because of in light of what happened and Im putting my heart back in his hands, Im afraid that he is going to hurt it again. Im so confused right now, I dont know what to think. Also for his post deployment leave he was planning on coming home for his 30 days, but has now only decided to stay a few days and drive back, and then I was going to fly out there for his birthday and stay for a while. All my friends think that he should stay here the whole time because he even said that he wants to work on our relationship and get to know eachother better.

I dont know whats going on. One second Im ok with "us" and the next Im so afraid to do anything (not contact him enough, contact him too much) because Im afraid that Im going to push him away. I know it should be if I do....I do. But the way I feel about him I have never ever in my entire life felt about anyone else. I have been broken up with before, but I was never literally sick to my stomach because of it, I just cant imagine my life without him. I have barely been able to eat because Im so stressed out about this, like yesterday I only had a Jamba Juice.

What should I do about this? Im still pretty tender, so please dont tell me Im a stupid idiot and I should leave. But this is our first bump in the road, do I just give him space or what? Im so lost right now, I feel like I cant even tell which way is up. Im so on edge right now, Im having a really hard time with my controlling my emotions (I talked to his mom for like a minute today and almost cried after getting off the phone with her). Or maybe Im making a way bigger deal of all of this than what really should be? You'd think I was never in a serious relationship before. Please help me I wanna be sane again

[NavyKat]

First:
Second, it does sound like you two should slow down that he isn't ready to jump into marriage again. He wouldn't be pulling all this crap if he was.
I think you should take a deep breath, go for a walk, do yoga, something to relieve your stress.
If you want to be with him the best thing right now is patience. How long until he gets leave?
And him spending the entire 30 day there might be best if he really want to work on your relationship.

I hope everything works out.

[GatesGirl]

i agree. slow down and give him some room to think things through. all you can do is show him that you want to be with him and support him. i really hope things work out for you

[Kacy]

The freak outs on his part sound pretty normal, but as I read on it kinda made me mad at him for you! By DB is bad at communicating (see siggy for reference ) but he makes time for me a lot because that's what people do in relationships. Your boyfriend/fiance should at least respond when you've sent him multiple msgs! I'm sorry he's acting shady. Because this is just the first issue the two of you have had, I would say to just slow it down. Maybe he'll come around and realize how important you are to him if you don't contact him for awhile? Idk. Hang in there girl.

[armygf08]

Originally Posted by NavyKat First: Second, it does sound like you two should slow down that he isn't ready to jump into marriage again. He wouldn't be pulling all this crap if he was. I think you should take a deep breath, go for a walk, do yoga, something to relieve your stress. If you want to be with him the best thing right now is patience. How long until he gets leave? And him spending the entire 30 day there might be best if he really want to work on your relationship. I hope everything works out.

I was kinda surprised that he was so scared just because he is the one who asked me to marry him, so I thought that he was ok with it, and then he said it just hit him. I think there is about almost 2 months until he gets leave he has to spend some time back at base after he comes home from deployment, I just want this deployment to be done and over with, Im so over it. I have been exercising, and it really does help. What sucks too is right now I dont have a job and since Im trying to save every dime for when I move with him I dont go do anything. So all I do is have time to sit around and think, and go and exercise.

[M_Girlfriend]

Wow, well girly let me give you my story. DF was married before me as well and his divorce was finally annulled in March (long story PM me if you want details) and at first he acted the same way your DF did, said one thing, meant another. May 3rd I asked him to marry me. He said yes! But this is something that's going to happen at the end of next year. I think you need to give your DF space, let him figure out what he wants and just let him know you'll be there for him. Men sometimes have a weird way of showing things. I think he's being an arse for ignoring you though (sorry!) but as the other ladies said take it slow, one day at a time and see how it goes.

[Melanie.]

I think he is totally justified with his fears hun. He just went through a divorce and I'm sure he DOES want to be with you and married to youb ut the date/time thing really hit him and as fast as it all seems he's really nervous. I think he's afraid of getting hurt again and making the same mistakes. And the only way you can show him that things will work out and not end like his previous marriage is to show him. And that means going out there. And if it takes him a bit longer to get comfortable with the situation the ride with it. You're doing the right thing by hanging back and giving him space.

And as far as his leave and cementing those plans, if you're within 30 days of that happening then yeah he needs to come to a decisions oon. But I wouldn't pester him about it. I totally understand why you are freaking out and getting worried about the lack of contact and communication in regards to these issues. That won't resolve anytime soon that will take time on his part. Just support him, show you're going to be there for him and let him make the call. If he wants to come straight there and spend the leave there with you let him do it, if he doesn't, don't get upset and try to plan to spend a week or so there with him where he will be. Coming home is a big deal for him and he may want to be where he feels most comfortable when he re-adjusts to being stateside. Understand taht.

Just give him time, lots of love and support and try to be calm and rational and not freak out. To him at least. You can vent and freakout to us and we'll be here at SOS to help calm you down at least. I really just think he may be overwhelmed and psyching himself out and thinking too much and that may be why you're getting these reactions. When you get to SEE him I'm sure things will fall into place much easier.

[Whitney.]

i think these commitment freak outs are normal for many guys returning from iraq, not to mention your DF is just getting out of a long drawn out divorce which i imagine just adds to it.

i do think you need to slow things down. i know he said he wanted to pick up where yall left off, but i don't think that's possible. you need to learn to trust each other again and rebuild your communication. you're insecure and you have every right to be. that being said, i can see where he would feel a little suffocated with you asking when you can come out and see him and taking trips and all that. for the next couple weeks, i'd let him initiate those conversations... at least until things get a little better and he stops having these fears. i do think what he's feeling is normal though, and i do think he'll come around. just understand that him coming home is a big enough adjustment to make on its own. my honest guess is that he probably doesn't think he can handle a new marriage and dedicate the time and energy that requires in addition to readjustment. i'd venture to guess that right now his biggest fear is probably another failed marriage. i don't think it has anything to do with you whatsoever. just take a few deep breaths and enjoy the present putting pressure on him is only going to push him further away. give him some space and let him miss you. i know it's painful and hard but he'll come around.

[AFgf]

OP-feel free to PM me anytime if you need someone to talk to or vent to. Ex-DB (who has been home now for the last 3 weeks) dumped me a week before he came home after i've stood by him for the last 7 months. i mean, your situation is different just because the whole getting married thing. but that sick feeling you were talking about, that's all i've felt for the last month. It makes me sad knowing that you're feeling the same

[armygf08]

Thanks ladies, ya, Im trying to give him some space. And I know that he is afraid of getting hurt and another failed marriage. And I told him that getting married is not the priority in my life, its keeping him in it, and that Im only going to do whats comfortable for him. I told him I dont want to rush him or push him into anything, and if at anytime he feels that way, to let me know. I was just kinda surprised because he was the one talking about marriage. But, I hope he comes around soon. I just get so bummed cause I feel like he is mad at me, eventhough I know he isnt.