I could use any help or advice. - Long Distance Love

kt1449 · 05-07-2009, 08:29 PM

Alright, I guess a little back story.

I was supposed to go down this weekend to see DB for a week between my fall and summer classes. We are both very busy and get very little time off. I have not seen him in 4 months and was very much looking forward to this trip.

So he tells me about three days before I am supposed to leave that the trip is not going to work because he cant afford it. He didnt realize that his parents were taking the money he owed them out of his account.
SO...this lead to some fighting...because we have been having some other communication issues and such. And I began seriously doubting my strength and ability to go the next three years, only seeing the person I love once every six months...if that.

Im so frustrated with feeling like I put in so much more effort than people in a normal relationship, and getting not even half the return. I hate fighting with him...and not even getting to see him to make up. Or even getting to see him before our next spat.
He also tends to be kind of shielded with his emotions and such...so it is hard for me when we are talking to get a lot out of him. Sometimes he does...but its not consistent, and even though I know he cares, sometimes I dont feel it from him as much as I need considering the situation.

Anyway, we discussed a lot of this, and I ended up basically breaking up with him last night. I am really struggling with it, because I know how much I love and care about him, I just dont know if I can do this for the next three years of my life. We talked about everything....he wants another chance, to do a better job and make things work...but the problem is, how do you make 2,300 miles...and 22 hours worth of driving disappear? He swears he will come up once a month to see me, anything...but he cant afford for me to come down this once that we had planned.

That is kind of just the basis of it, but basically he agreed that he will give me some time to work things out for myself and find out what the best option will be, and he will be waiting for me.
So I guess I could use some opinions on the situation, what you and you SO do...we have tried video dates and such.

And I know this is the military lifestyle and what not, the thing that gets me is its 6 months at a time and he is not even deployed or anything. Its just frustrating and I dont know what to do, so any advice or opinons would be appreciated.

sweetpea03 · 05-07-2009, 09:00 PM

I'm sorry it came to that.

Because I am the queen of giving second chances, I'd try it again. Is there any way that you can contribute to you visiting him or him visiting you. DB tries to pay for everything, but I still try to split it the best I can with him (I pay for my flight, he pays for the hotel or eating out or whatever, or vice versa).

It's hard on your SO, too...and I've learned that just because DB isn't always showing it like I sometimes do, that doesn't mean he doesn't feel it. I almost reached my breaking point a couple months ago, and now that I'm OK with it all, DB's about to reach his.

If you want to, try it again, and just make it clear you want better communication. It's hard, and it sucks, but you sometimes have to let the things you can't control slide (his parents taking money back), and make the best of what you've got...and make the next time you do see each other even more special.

Good luck!

kt1449 · 05-08-2009, 07:23 AM

Songtan Sally · 05-08-2009, 07:35 AM

Look at it this way - if you continue with him, get married, grow old together - we're talking 60 years or so. That's 21,900 days together.

So what's three years? 1,095 days. It's really not that long in the grand scheme of things.

nicoleclare · 05-08-2009, 07:41 AM

you know my opinion on the situation wifey.

but i love you and i have a million and a half

for you whenever you want them !

sweetgagirl · 05-08-2009, 07:59 AM

It may feel like your working harder than a normal relationship because you are. Long distance relationships are harder and being in a military relationship tends to add more pressure. It can get a little discouraging but if its really what you want, then somewhere you will find the strength to get through it. All that matters is at the end of the day, when you lay down for bed, that you know you want to be together. I've had the same problem with trying to go see him and not having the time or money. So to make sure it doesn't happen again, we are both saving as much money as possible. And I also try to find little ways to make some extra cash. Sometimes I feel like he is mad at me or he thinks I am mad at him, but we usually talk it out the next day. I try to stay as strong as I can for him.but it gets hard sometimes. I'm here if you ever need anyone to talk to....

Hope this helped alittle

monkeyinabarrel · 05-08-2009, 08:24 AM

no advice sorry

Anna*Banana · 05-08-2009, 08:45 AM

I've been long distance for 5 years out of our 8 year relationship. First thing I'll say is that you need have good communication for a long distance relationship to work. So work on that until you get to a place that is comfortable for you.

Then I'd say, for a long distance relationship to work, both people need to be whole heartily willing to make it work. Long distance relationships can't be a one way relationship. If you know you can't hold up your end of the relationship, then it might not work.

The last thing is that if you decide to stick it out, I think there has to be more regular visits. This probably isn't true for everyone but for me, I always have to have the next visit planned to look forward to. In the beginning of our relationship, we'd see each other for a weekend ever 6-8 weeks. Then we moved it to every 4-5 weeks and now that we are engaged and are coming to the end of our long distance relationship, we see each other every three weeks or less no matter the cost (which is probably a bit foolish!).

Anyway my point is that it can work!! but in order for it to work both people have to be in it for the long haul. You also, in my opinion, have to be willing to make sacrifices. Instead of saving up for a new car, save up for a plane ticket every other month. Its hard but it can work.

Good luck!!

armywifey_tx · 05-08-2009, 08:48 AM

Is he the one and only for you??

MySailorsKat0402 · 05-08-2009, 08:49 AM

I know EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY how you feel! Feel free to PM me anytime and my AIM is abhorsen19 (kinda old). But yeah, I'm in school, DB is in the Navy and I'm looking forward to several years of only seeing each other every 6 monthsish as well. And I'm really struggling with it.

05-07-2009, 08:29 PM	#1 (permalink)
kt1449 Tough times don't last....but tough people do. Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Mt Pleasant, MI Posts: 4,287 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 42% Longevity: 20%	I could use any help or advice. Alright, I guess a little back story. I was supposed to go down this weekend to see DB for a week between my fall and summer classes. We are both very busy and get very little time off. I have not seen him in 4 months and was very much looking forward to this trip. So he tells me about three days before I am supposed to leave that the trip is not going to work because he cant afford it. He didnt realize that his parents were taking the money he owed them out of his account. SO...this lead to some fighting...because we have been having some other communication issues and such. And I began seriously doubting my strength and ability to go the next three years, only seeing the person I love once every six months...if that. Im so frustrated with feeling like I put in so much more effort than people in a normal relationship, and getting not even half the return. I hate fighting with him...and not even getting to see him to make up. Or even getting to see him before our next spat. He also tends to be kind of shielded with his emotions and such...so it is hard for me when we are talking to get a lot out of him. Sometimes he does...but its not consistent, and even though I know he cares, sometimes I dont feel it from him as much as I need considering the situation. Anyway, we discussed a lot of this, and I ended up basically breaking up with him last night. I am really struggling with it, because I know how much I love and care about him, I just dont know if I can do this for the next three years of my life. We talked about everything....he wants another chance, to do a better job and make things work...but the problem is, how do you make 2,300 miles...and 22 hours worth of driving disappear? He swears he will come up once a month to see me, anything...but he cant afford for me to come down this once that we had planned. That is kind of just the basis of it, but basically he agreed that he will give me some time to work things out for myself and find out what the best option will be, and he will be waiting for me. So I guess I could use some opinions on the situation, what you and you SO do...we have tried video dates and such. And I know this is the military lifestyle and what not, the thing that gets me is its 6 months at a time and he is not even deployed or anything. Its just frustrating and I dont know what to do, so any advice or opinons would be appreciated. __________________ Gettin hype for my wild Single-Girl's weekend with BuckeyeAGF!!

05-07-2009, 09:00 PM	#2 (permalink)
sweetpea03 Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Buffa<3 Posts: 2,687 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 33% Longevity: 20%	I'm sorry it came to that. Because I am the queen of giving second chances, I'd try it again. Is there any way that you can contribute to you visiting him or him visiting you. DB tries to pay for everything, but I still try to split it the best I can with him (I pay for my flight, he pays for the hotel or eating out or whatever, or vice versa). It's hard on your SO, too...and I've learned that just because DB isn't always showing it like I sometimes do, that doesn't mean he doesn't feel it. I almost reached my breaking point a couple months ago, and now that I'm OK with it all, DB's about to reach his. If you want to, try it again, and just make it clear you want better communication. It's hard, and it sucks, but you sometimes have to let the things you can't control slide (his parents taking money back), and make the best of what you've got...and make the next time you do see each other even more special. Good luck! __________________ "I think of a hero as someone who understands the degree of responsibility that comes with his freedom."

05-08-2009, 07:23 AM	#3 (permalink)
kt1449 Tough times don't last....but tough people do. Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Mt Pleasant, MI Posts: 4,287 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 42% Longevity: 20%	__________________ Gettin hype for my wild Single-Girl's weekend with BuckeyeAGF!!

05-08-2009, 07:35 AM	#4 (permalink)
Songtan Sally I'm an enlisted 6-star General, Air Coast Force Guard Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: South Korea, Osan AB Posts: 9,613 Blog Entries: 2 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 90% Longevity: 22%	Look at it this way - if you continue with him, get married, grow old together - we're talking 60 years or so. That's 21,900 days together. So what's three years? 1,095 days. It's really not that long in the grand scheme of things. __________________ "You are taking it wrong and in a whole other direction. When someone looks at you and hate the way you look and shoot you that’s illiterate. When someone hurts your feelings and your in turn try to get revenge in an unlawful matter that’s illiterate. Got me now?"From http://www.urlesque.com/2009/11/12/f...&chzpost=30826, #5 Darwin Fail.

05-08-2009, 07:59 AM	#6 (permalink)
sweetgagirl I will love you, for forever and a day... Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: me: ga, my heart: NAS Key West Posts: 2,750 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 21% Longevity: 19%	It may feel like your working harder than a normal relationship because you are. Long distance relationships are harder and being in a military relationship tends to add more pressure. It can get a little discouraging but if its really what you want, then somewhere you will find the strength to get through it. All that matters is at the end of the day, when you lay down for bed, that you know you want to be together. I've had the same problem with trying to go see him and not having the time or money. So to make sure it doesn't happen again, we are both saving as much money as possible. And I also try to find little ways to make some extra cash. Sometimes I feel like he is mad at me or he thinks I am mad at him, but we usually talk it out the next day. I try to stay as strong as I can for him.but it gets hard sometimes. I'm here if you ever need anyone to talk to.... Hope this helped alittle __________________ My Heatherbear!! I love my wifeys! *theatretech11, his itty bitty, submarinerslady and PFCCJCgirl !!* DB: ive never known anyone that i have wanted to make happy as much as you. my heart's telling me that the reason im alive is just to see you smile LDL Pal to his_dorkfish and babyvicious27

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05-08-2009, 07:41 AM	#5 (permalink)
nicoleclare formerly H3ad0v3rh33ls Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Virginia Beach, VA Posts: 6,728 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 46% Longevity: 14%	you know my opinion on the situation wifey. but i love you and i have a million and a half for you whenever you want them !

05-08-2009, 08:24 AM	#7 (permalink)
monkeyinabarrel Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: me-Central PA, him- VT Posts: 2,331 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 0% Longevity: 27%	no advice sorry

05-08-2009, 08:45 AM	#8 (permalink)
Anna*Banana Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: FINALLY together in Philly :) Posts: 1,681 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 16% Longevity: 30%	I've been long distance for 5 years out of our 8 year relationship. First thing I'll say is that you need have good communication for a long distance relationship to work. So work on that until you get to a place that is comfortable for you. Then I'd say, for a long distance relationship to work, both people need to be whole heartily willing to make it work. Long distance relationships can't be a one way relationship. If you know you can't hold up your end of the relationship, then it might not work. The last thing is that if you decide to stick it out, I think there has to be more regular visits. This probably isn't true for everyone but for me, I always have to have the next visit planned to look forward to. In the beginning of our relationship, we'd see each other for a weekend ever 6-8 weeks. Then we moved it to every 4-5 weeks and now that we are engaged and are coming to the end of our long distance relationship, we see each other every three weeks or less no matter the cost (which is probably a bit foolish!). Anyway my point is that it can work!! but in order for it to work both people have to be in it for the long haul. You also, in my opinion, have to be willing to make sacrifices. Instead of saving up for a new car, save up for a plane ticket every other month. Its hard but it can work. Good luck!! __________________ Anna and Matt Cardellino

05-08-2009, 08:48 AM	#9 (permalink)
armywifey_tx Missing my husbands kisses Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 341 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 2% Longevity: 11%	Is he the one and only for you??

05-08-2009, 08:49 AM	#10 (permalink)
MySailorsKat0402 The Future "Pothead" Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Me: Michigan, my DF: Japan Posts: 3,190 Blog Entries: 2 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 0% Longevity: 24%	I know EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY how you feel! Feel free to PM me anytime and my AIM is abhorsen19 (kinda old). But yeah, I'm in school, DB is in the Navy and I'm looking forward to several years of only seeing each other every 6 monthsish as well. And I'm really struggling with it. __________________