Deep Thoughts/Question/I'm totally lost... - Long Distance Love

littlebird · 05-06-2009, 10:49 PM

OK, I've been doing some soul searching/deep thinking... And I'm curious to know what y'all think, especially those in long-term, committed relationships.

DB and I have somewhat of a "different" arrangement and complicated history. To start with, we're not in a traditionally committed relationship -- I refer to him as DB here for simplicity's sake, but we're actually more of a "very good friends with very good benefits" type of situation. I don't refer to him as my boyfriend in general... But he is one of the most important people in my life, outside my family, and he feels the same way about me. We've both been burned badly in the past, and are frankly sick of looking/dating and doing the 6-month "serious" relationship rollercoaster. He's been deployed for about a month now, and this week, our communication schedule changed quite a bit, and has forced me to do a lot of thinking.

Lately, we've been talking about what happens next year, when I finish grad school. He invited me to come live with him in Omaha (he'll be there for quite a while -- doesn't expect to PCS any time soon). It makes sense for all practical purposes -- work, money, closer to family, etc. It kinda sounds like a dumb idea for other purposes -- i.e., what happens when one of us decides we're ready to commit, but the other doesn't, what if I (or he) wake(s) up in two years and realize I'm (he's) ready to start a family, but not with him (me)... You get the idea.

I guess my question is this: After a certain point, do you make a decision that you're going to love someone? Can you just choose to love a person? We definitely have a deep friendship love for each other, and a great deal of affection, and let's face it, great sex... But it's not the relationship I imagined being in forever... Not that I know what that relationship would look like.

Am I being ridiculous for thinking that moving to be with him will somehow work out, either with us parting ways amicably or committing for life? Do I need a wakeup call/slap in the face?

Sorry for writing a book, and thanks in advance for advice... My head is spinning, and I think a lot of this has to do with having a lot of time to chew this over while I don't hear from him...

Charity · 05-06-2009, 11:00 PM

I think that you should do what your heart tells you to do! If moving there with him makes you happy right now - then go for it! There's nothing saying that you can't leave if something happens!

THink it through, listen to your heart!

littlebird · 05-06-2009, 11:45 PM

Am I maybe just over-thinking this or worrying too much or taking this all too seriously? I mean, what do I have to lose?

lildixiemiss · 05-06-2009, 11:50 PM

You don't think to love someone you feel it.

Kaylin · 05-06-2009, 11:54 PM

I do believe that sometimes love takes time, sometimes love has to grow. And just because you are not "in love" with him right now, doesn't mean you won't be at some point in the future. If moving in together is what you both want, I say go for it. You are right...what do you have to lose? And if one of you in the future wants more and the other isn't ready for it, then you can cross that bridge when you get there. Just follow your heart. That's always the best way to go

littlebird · 05-07-2009, 12:36 AM

Originally Posted by lildixiemiss

You don't think to love someone you feel it.

I guess what I meant by that is, is there ever a point when you can make a conscious decision: "I'm going to settle down and make a life with this person because of xyz..."

We definitely feel love for each other... I guess we've both just had relationships where we thought we were in love, but weren't, and they obviously didn't work out, and maybe that's why I'm wary?

I dunno. I have a feeling I'm going to sleep on this for a few days and realize I was overthinking/stressing for no reason.

Thanks for the advice y'all!

RainierLT87 · 05-07-2009, 10:04 AM

I feel like love is something that just happens, and if its ment to be it grows. DB and I met back when I was a freshman in college, if you asked him if he would ever date me we both would have said "No!". Life changed, things changed, we grew, and it began as a simple friendship, and just talking online (LDR the whole time-since he was only visitng home- lives where I go to college, and graduated the end of my freshman year and joined the Army). It grew into more than a friendship and then love...and that love is always changing and growing...sometimes you just have to follow what your heart tells you. But you two should probably communicate sometime on what your feelings are and which direction you are looking to take things, so your on the same page. Hope it all works out...take it one step at the time...Love is patient

Evie · 05-07-2009, 10:58 AM

Trust your instincts. I've been in 2 previous relationships where I thought we were going to get married (I know, it's a lot). With my ex before DB, he wanted me to move in with him and I didn't want to. Something about it didn't feel right even though we were in a committed relationship. I brushed that off as me just being really independent and not wanting lose my own space. Now, DB wants me to move to Hawaii to be with him once I'm done with grad school and he's back from deployment. It's over 5,000 miles, I'll have to sell all my stuff including my car, I may not have a job, but it's the only way we can be in the same place after 3 years of LDR and I would do it in a heartbeat. It feels right. I can't imagine my life without him.

beloved · 05-07-2009, 08:11 PM

Yes, I do believe you can make a decision to love someone for logical reasons. It's not romantic, quite the opposite really. But while you can't choose to be physically attracted to someone, I do believe that you can choose to love them, whether or not you like absolutely everything about them.

But I also think that a huge part of love is commitment and trust. The only thing you said that would worry me personally is that you are both hesitant to commit. If you invest enough of yourself into that relationship, you will grow to love him, and that love will be able to last a lifetime. But unless you are both committed to each doing that for each other, you can never truly be safe from the possibility of getting hurt. You voiced some valid concerns in your OP.

I think that "being in love" is a lot different than "loving" someone. "Being in love" is a feeling, where actually showing love to someone is a conscious decision to stick with someone, regardless of whether you feel butterflies or not.

You're not crazy for wanting to rationally think through this. That's an important process, and God knows I've been there a lot lately, too.

Hang in there, I know it's a tough place to be.

Feel free to make me explain anything I said, I have a tendency to get all philosophical on people.

littlebird · 05-09-2009, 01:04 AM

Thanks ladies... I needed some reassurance. AP gets sweeter by the day, which makes the decision easier, I guess... I know I don't have to decide for a while yet, but right now, I'm pretty sure that if I can find a job in Omaha after I graduate, I will be moving there.

Thanks again! I'll keep y'all posted...

05-06-2009, 10:49 PM	#1 (permalink)
littlebird this bird can't sing when you've tied her wings Join Date: May 2009 Location: Me: Wyoming Posts: 2,607 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 57% Longevity: 9%	Deep Thoughts/Question/I'm totally lost... OK, I've been doing some soul searching/deep thinking... And I'm curious to know what y'all think, especially those in long-term, committed relationships. DB and I have somewhat of a "different" arrangement and complicated history. To start with, we're not in a traditionally committed relationship -- I refer to him as DB here for simplicity's sake, but we're actually more of a "very good friends with very good benefits" type of situation. I don't refer to him as my boyfriend in general... But he is one of the most important people in my life, outside my family, and he feels the same way about me. We've both been burned badly in the past, and are frankly sick of looking/dating and doing the 6-month "serious" relationship rollercoaster. He's been deployed for about a month now, and this week, our communication schedule changed quite a bit, and has forced me to do a lot of thinking. Lately, we've been talking about what happens next year, when I finish grad school. He invited me to come live with him in Omaha (he'll be there for quite a while -- doesn't expect to PCS any time soon). It makes sense for all practical purposes -- work, money, closer to family, etc. It kinda sounds like a dumb idea for other purposes -- i.e., what happens when one of us decides we're ready to commit, but the other doesn't, what if I (or he) wake(s) up in two years and realize I'm (he's) ready to start a family, but not with him (me)... You get the idea. I guess my question is this: After a certain point, do you make a decision that you're going to love someone? Can you just choose to love a person? We definitely have a deep friendship love for each other, and a great deal of affection, and let's face it, great sex... But it's not the relationship I imagined being in forever... Not that I know what that relationship would look like. Am I being ridiculous for thinking that moving to be with him will somehow work out, either with us parting ways amicably or committing for life? Do I need a wakeup call/slap in the face? Sorry for writing a book, and thanks in advance for advice... My head is spinning, and I think a lot of this has to do with having a lot of time to chew this over while I don't hear from him...

05-06-2009, 11:00 PM	#2 (permalink)
Charity Surviving Deployment #2 Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Me: St. Louis/Him: Afghanistan Posts: 6,322 Blog Entries: 2 Classifieds: (5) Activity: 45% Longevity: 16%	I think that you should do what your heart tells you to do! If moving there with him makes you happy right now - then go for it! There's nothing saying that you can't leave if something happens! THink it through, listen to your heart! __________________ "There is always a way. When things look like there is no way, there is a way to do the impossible, to survive the impossible. There is always a way. If I can offer one piece of advice; today, if you become frightened, instead, become inspired." -Grey's Anatomy I my wifeys Solstice and Mrs. Ninkumpoop!

05-06-2009, 11:50 PM	#4 (permalink)
lildixiemiss I'm Amy nice to meet you! Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: norfolk/ VA Posts: 4,390 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 36% Longevity: 20%	You don't think to love someone you feel it. __________________ HE"S HOME!!!! Let me light up the sky light it up for you let me make you smile i'll ignite for you I w/my wives: Kayla, Rei, Onewife, blinkyboobear,louisa ,redhead_navygf ,His Girl ,ashely, Sapphiremommey and lovemyjarhead!!.

05-06-2009, 11:54 PM	#5 (permalink)
Kaylin Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Southern California Posts: 9,708 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 88% Longevity: 20%	I do believe that sometimes love takes time, sometimes love has to grow. And just because you are not "in love" with him right now, doesn't mean you won't be at some point in the future. If moving in together is what you both want, I say go for it. You are right...what do you have to lose? And if one of you in the future wants more and the other isn't ready for it, then you can cross that bridge when you get there. Just follow your heart. That's always the best way to go __________________ I love my wifeys Melissa Paige Brittany Erin DeeJayy Meggie Willow Hillarie Chels Tori and RyRy

05-07-2009, 10:58 AM	#8 (permalink)
Evie Rockin' a rock Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Me: Cleveland, OH Him: Sandbox, the Iraqi kind Posts: 5,473 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 78% Longevity: 24%	Trust your instincts. I've been in 2 previous relationships where I thought we were going to get married (I know, it's a lot). With my ex before DB, he wanted me to move in with him and I didn't want to. Something about it didn't feel right even though we were in a committed relationship. I brushed that off as me just being really independent and not wanting lose my own space. Now, DB wants me to move to Hawaii to be with him once I'm done with grad school and he's back from deployment. It's over 5,000 miles, I'll have to sell all my stuff including my car, I may not have a job, but it's the only way we can be in the same place after 3 years of LDR and I would do it in a heartbeat. It feels right. I can't imagine my life without him. __________________ DF: "Everytime I get to see you...in the airport, the last 5 feet, before I have you in my arms and get to touch you...I feel like I'm on fire"

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05-06-2009, 11:45 PM	#3 (permalink)
littlebird this bird can't sing when you've tied her wings Join Date: May 2009 Location: Me: Wyoming Posts: 2,607 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 57% Longevity: 9%	Am I maybe just over-thinking this or worrying too much or taking this all too seriously? I mean, what do I have to lose?

05-07-2009, 10:04 AM	#7 (permalink)
RainierLT87 Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Me: Cleveland, OH Posts: 160 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 2% Longevity: 10%	I feel like love is something that just happens, and if its ment to be it grows. DB and I met back when I was a freshman in college, if you asked him if he would ever date me we both would have said "No!". Life changed, things changed, we grew, and it began as a simple friendship, and just talking online (LDR the whole time-since he was only visitng home- lives where I go to college, and graduated the end of my freshman year and joined the Army). It grew into more than a friendship and then love...and that love is always changing and growing...sometimes you just have to follow what your heart tells you. But you two should probably communicate sometime on what your feelings are and which direction you are looking to take things, so your on the same page. Hope it all works out...take it one step at the time...Love is patient

05-07-2009, 08:11 PM	#9 (permalink)
beloved relentless Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Me: Springfield, IL; Him: Quantico, VA Posts: 1,077 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 0% Longevity: 14%	Yes, I do believe you can make a decision to love someone for logical reasons. It's not romantic, quite the opposite really. But while you can't choose to be physically attracted to someone, I do believe that you can choose to love them, whether or not you like absolutely everything about them. But I also think that a huge part of love is commitment and trust. The only thing you said that would worry me personally is that you are both hesitant to commit. If you invest enough of yourself into that relationship, you will grow to love him, and that love will be able to last a lifetime. But unless you are both committed to each doing that for each other, you can never truly be safe from the possibility of getting hurt. You voiced some valid concerns in your OP. I think that "being in love" is a lot different than "loving" someone. "Being in love" is a feeling, where actually showing love to someone is a conscious decision to stick with someone, regardless of whether you feel butterflies or not. You're not crazy for wanting to rationally think through this. That's an important process, and God knows I've been there a lot lately, too. Hang in there, I know it's a tough place to be. Feel free to make me explain anything I said, I have a tendency to get all philosophical on people. __________________ "Babe, I want you to know that being apart is just as hard on me as it is for you. (Did you notice I said hard-on?)"

05-09-2009, 01:04 AM	#10 (permalink)
littlebird this bird can't sing when you've tied her wings Join Date: May 2009 Location: Me: Wyoming Posts: 2,607 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 57% Longevity: 9%	Thanks ladies... I needed some reassurance. AP gets sweeter by the day, which makes the decision easier, I guess... I know I don't have to decide for a while yet, but right now, I'm pretty sure that if I can find a job in Omaha after I graduate, I will be moving there. Thanks again! I'll keep y'all posted...