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Thread: Am I The Only One?

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    #1

    Confused Am I The Only One?

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    Maybe I'm just stuck in a rut at the moment...but lately I've done quite a bit of self analyzing, and really digging deep into finding out who I am as a person and where I want to end up next and just really start to set some more goals for myself. Whilst doing so, it really has started to seem like this military lifestyle isn't for me. As in, it just doesn't fit my personality. I love my DH, and we were together (not married) before the Army was involved, but lately it just seems like we're both on two separate paths in life, headed in two different directions. He has smashed goal after goal for himself in the Army thus far, and I'm so incredibly proud of him, but I also know that I can't achieve most things I want to, while being married to military personnel.

    The problem for me is, I don't want to spend the next "x" amount of years dealing with this lifestyle when he very well may make a career of it, and have resentment towards DH because I never went out to achieve my own goals.

    On top of that, DH has his some unrealistic ideas of the life we will have in the future. He wants to live the "old fashioned" way, with him being the bread winner and having a stay at home mom/wife to take care of the house and kids etc.
    Prior to us ever getting married, he 120% knew my feelings on that. I may sound crazy but I LOVE to work. I like to be busy and be efficient on my own. I get a lot of satisfaction knowing I can provide for myself even if I don't need to. I always did (and still do) go back and forth between maybe wanting to kids, to not really having the desire or the need to have any, but DH NEEDS kids in the future. That isn't optional for him. I recently talked to him about that and by talked, moreso mentioned it, but then he shut down and didn't want to have a conversation about anything.

    I guess I'm just stuck and feel like I'm the only one around that has ever felt this way. It seems every army or just military couple we are friends with, have flourished with this lifestyle, decent marriage, and a few kids. Of course every marriage has their problems which people don't talk about, but for being so newly married still as in only 6 months, we shouldn't be disagreeing and arguing as much as we do and I shouldn't be feeling the way that I am.

    Sorry for such the long post, I don't typically do this kind of stuff as I prefer to keep everything that has to do with important relationships in my life, especially my marriage, off the internet because it is no ones business but my husbands and mine, I just needed to vent a bit!
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    #2
    Girl our first couple of years of marriage sucked. Just....they did. That isn't an uncommon sentiment either, based on friends' similar issues. We are much more compatible now because we've learned to communicate. I can't really comment to much else you've posted about, but I will say, did you not have these thoughts six months ago?
    Never do anything halfway unless you want to be half happy.

    Is this a dream? If it is, please don't wake me from this high. I'd become comfortably numb
    until you opened up my eyes to what it's like when everything is right...I can't believe you found me ♥
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    Quote Originally Posted by missinghim View Post
    Girl our first couple of years of marriage sucked. Just....they did. That isn't an uncommon sentiment either, based on friends' similar issues. We are much more compatible now because we've learned to communicate. I can't really comment to much else you've posted about, but I will say, did you not have these thoughts six months ago?
    As far as the incompatibility with my personality and this lifestyle, its all new thoughts/feelings for me. It isn't so much the being apart that has ever bothered me, things weren't always "ok" but most of the time they were, we didn't fight too often at all, and he was doing his thing training and whatnot and I was working full time and having a life.
    The other stuff as far as our personal choices we need to make as a couple, were never really a problem because I THOUGHT we understood each other and weren't in a rush to have any of that stuff figured out as in when to have kids and what I was going to do with myself when we were reunited with each other, as in maybe I go back to school or just work, it was all stuff that we were going to figure out as time went on, or so to my understanding it was.

    I think lack of communication is a big problem for us right now, which is weird for me, because I feel as if we communicated better when we were apart as opposed to being together like we are now. I wouldn't say we argue a lot, but substantially moreso now than before. Which I didn't anticipate because we had already lived together prior to him leaving for the Army in the first place.

    So to answer your question, some of these thoughts had crossed my mind six+ months ago, but we communicated a lot better then, so they didn't seem like they were huge issues, but as time goes on and they come back up and lack of communication on his end is really growing, it is making the small things turn into bigger things. Which has in turn led me to thinking about everythinggggggg.
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    6 months married is not a lot of time to really get the swing of being married. I hate myself almost every day for not being in the work force but being a stay at home mom. Its just not my thing but I am doing it. One cause the type of job I could find wouldn't even pay for the childcare alone. I also knew that DH didn't want me to work once we had kids. My babies are only 2.5 and 6 months. My mom worked when I was growing up but I did know that with my sisters she was a stay at home mom but i only knew her working. So every day I kick myself cause I am not living up to that standard....but which standard should I be living up to.

    We waited 8 years before having kids. 8!

    I would say this stop forcing anything. This is what my husband and I did. We would discuss kids after the first deployment. Which we did. We said on shore tour (navy here) and than he got accepted into a very top school in the military and we said wait again. It wasn't till after that we had kids.

    I have gotten worse about communication but I have my own issues like anxiety and depression and some of military (not his job directly) has caused it to flare up. Which I have noticed and reached out to get help. I still have trouble communicating with him.

    I am done with kids...hubby still wants another. Its a topic I have let drop and just added the supplies of baby gear to at least give it a bit more till he can see how done I am. I gave him a boy and girl and he wants those big christmas' and all and me pregnancy is too hard for me and after that and I just want to feel like a person and not just a mom.

    So you are not alone in many of your feelings. Again its only 6 months. Stop talking about some of these subjects for a while and just enjoy each others company and have fun for a bit.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Figgychick View Post
    Maybe I'm just stuck in a rut at the moment...but lately I've done quite a bit of self analyzing, and really digging deep into finding out who I am as a person and where I want to end up next and just really start to set some more goals for myself. Whilst doing so, it really has started to seem like this military lifestyle isn't for me. As in, it just doesn't fit my personality. I love my DH, and we were together (not married) before the Army was involved, but lately it just seems like we're both on two separate paths in life, headed in two different directions. He has smashed goal after goal for himself in the Army thus far, and I'm so incredibly proud of him, but I also know that I can't achieve most things I want to, while being married to military personnel.

    The problem for me is, I don't want to spend the next "x" amount of years dealing with this lifestyle when he very well may make a career of it, and have resentment towards DH because I never went out to achieve my own goals.

    On top of that, DH has his some unrealistic ideas of the life we will have in the future. He wants to live the "old fashioned" way, with him being the bread winner and having a stay at home mom/wife to take care of the house and kids etc.
    Prior to us ever getting married, he 120% knew my feelings on that. I may sound crazy but I LOVE to work. I like to be busy and be efficient on my own. I get a lot of satisfaction knowing I can provide for myself even if I don't need to. I always did (and still do) go back and forth between maybe wanting to kids, to not really having the desire or the need to have any, but DH NEEDS kids in the future. That isn't optional for him. I recently talked to him about that and by talked, moreso mentioned it, but then he shut down and didn't want to have a conversation about anything.

    I guess I'm just stuck and feel like I'm the only one around that has ever felt this way. It seems every army or just military couple we are friends with, have flourished with this lifestyle, decent marriage, and a few kids. Of course every marriage has their problems which people don't talk about, but for being so newly married still as in only 6 months, we shouldn't be disagreeing and arguing as much as we do and I shouldn't be feeling the way that I am.

    Sorry for such the long post, I don't typically do this kind of stuff as I prefer to keep everything that has to do with important relationships in my life, especially my marriage, off the internet because it is no ones business but my husbands and mine, I just needed to vent a bit!
    Are you stealing the thoughts from the last four years right out of my head? I may have to start copywriting my rants so you all cant steal them

    Ok, to get serious. you are not the only who feels this way and imo you are not wrong. Every person has there on path to walk, some of us are happy as housewives, some of us crave careers, some find a happy balance in between. There is nothing that states that your life has to fit into one box. Trust me, I am beyond frustrated by my situation, but I also have one of the worst career fields for a spouse as it is not mobile. I still have a career though (I will be working my butt off to recover the shreds of goals for awhile), but the point is if I want it bad enough I will find a way to make it work. The big key to all of this is making it work with your SO. I became so bitter at my SO that I starting lashing out at him for things that weren't his fault. The best thing we did was go to individual counseling and marriage counseling. We didn't use FAP (I have major trust issues with military funded/provided counselors) so we found that there was a counselor not affiliated with any unit, FAP, SARC, LEO, etc on our base and went to him. Nothing was reported back to the command (as long a violent crime is not reported this is the case)and we worked through our issues. My SO learned to see how this all affected me and I was able to get through my anger issues, I needed to get control of myself and get to a point that I didn't resent my SO. We know have two wonderful children, although I was never one who ever said my goal in life was to be a mother, but my kids are a wonderful addition and they have not hindered anything, they have added to it. I still ride horses, shoot, pt, everything I use to do and now do it with them.

    You can achieve your goals, if you don't mind sharing, what are your goals? What career path have you chosen?

    I know you wanted to vent, but if you want to talk about concerns I am open to discussion, if I can save you some of the stress I have gone through I am more than happy to try!

    also, sorry for any typos or crazy sentences. Typing super fast as I am on my way out the door.
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    #6
    I can't really relate therefore take what I say with a grain of salt.. maybe you are resenting him for joining the military. Which seems to be normal but I don't think 6 months is enough to call it quits. You vowed your lives to each other... I think you should find what it is that will make you happy and focus on that right now. You don't have to know about kids right now and whether you'll be a stay at home mom etc. Just focus on making yourself happy and talking this through with your husband.
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    #7
    If you knew before getting married that you two were 100% on different pages why did you still do it? Since marriage makes you a team it's best that you have goals that are at least similar. With things like having kids there's not an easy way to compromise, one person is going to be unhappy.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Sabrina22LE View Post
    If you knew before getting married that you two were 100% on different pages why did you still do it? Since marriage makes you a team it's best that you have goals that are at least similar. With things like having kids there's not an easy way to compromise, one person is going to be unhappy.
    My husband and I weren't exactly on the same page about everything when we got married and hell we still aren't exactly on the same page. I personally don't think you need to be. But the talks need to happen and keeping open lines of communication going even when things change and be willing to work with each other.
    Last edited by Margot31; 04-11-2017 at 06:52 PM.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Margot31 View Post
    My husband and I weren't exactly on the same page about everything when we got married and hell we still aren't exactly on the same page. I personally don't think you need to be. But the talks need to happen and keeping open lines of communication going even when things change and be willing to work with each other.
    I wouldn't expect them to agree on everything, but major things like career goals and children should be talked about beforehand to avoid feelings of resentment.
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    #10
    When I got married I wasn't sure if I wanted kids....hell I still don't know if I want them and i have 2 of them. My husband wants a 3rd and I don't.
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