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Thread: Pre-Deployment Breakup?

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    #1

    Pre-Deployment Breakup?

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    Hey everyone,
    I will try and sum this up, sorry it is so long. My SO and I have been together for nearly a year, we met and hit it off right away. Neither of us were looking for anything serious, we started dating casually but over the next few months it turned into a lot more. He is in the Marines, and special forces. When we met, we knew he was deploying at the end of the year. We continued to date, and it turned into an LDR, as we are about 4-5 hours from each other. Everything was amazing, we took turns visiting each other on weekends, days off, called/skyped nearly everyday, etc. As things got more serious we met families, he even brought up the idea of marriage down the line, future possibilities, things like that. It wasn't a "fairy tale" or anything like that, but we both really cared about each other and really wanted this to work. We decided we wanted to stay together while he was gone. Deployment is difficult but it's not impossible.
    Everything seemed to be working great, until a few weeks ago. As deployment has gotten closer, he has gotten more and more distant. I know this is usually a normal thing, and he is extremely stressed out, has no free time, and has so many things on his mind. I've tried to be as supportive as possible and given him space as well, and I know that I can't imagine half of the things he is dealing with. I just want him to know he has someone who loves him and will support him regardless. Almost 2 weeks ago, he texted me out of the blue and said this wasn't what he wanted anymore, and that he needed to focus on his guys and his mission. He said he didn't want me to have to wait for him, and he didn't want to have to worry about anyone at home. And I understand that. His safety and that of his men should be his priority, but it doesn't stop it from hurting so much. I was 100% willing to go through this with him, for me it wasn't even an option to walk away. I thought we were strong enough to do this, especially as he was the one who suggested moving forwards and so much of our future. Since then, he has been going back and forth on me as to what he wants. A few days after he ended things, he called saying he wanted to try again. So we did, and the same thing happened. Things were great, then he pulled away again and ended it again with a text. We tried to stay friends, and even though he said he wanted things to change when he comes home and wants to keep me in his life, he has once again cut all communication. We had made plans to say goodbye as friends before he deployed, and last weekend I drove down to Lejeune to say goodbye. On the first day, he told me he got called into work, and cancelled plans, but I later found out he was out with friends. He called me the next day to reschedule, and everything seemed fine. When we were supposed to meet up the next day, he completely blew me off, again. No warning. No goodbye. I reached out and got no response, so I sent him a final goodbye text, wishing him good luck and a safe deployment and telling him that regardless, I was so grateful to have him in my life. I didn't receive a response to that either. Normally I'm pretty logical about stuff like this but I've been such a mess since it ended, I have cried so much and wondered what I could have done differently. He deployed in the past two days, and as of yet, I haven't heard anything.
    I just can't believe how someone can walk away without even a goodbye? I am trying so hard to understand but I'm going crazy about how it ended, and obviously, his safety. In his defense, he did tell me that he copes with deployment by "shutting down" and shutting people out, including his family. He said it's what he did his previous deployment as well. He is very career-oriented and an amazing Marine, he needs to be focused. But I don't understand the leaving-goodbye situation. Is this purely a military thing and how he is coping with deployment, or is he using that to get out of a relationship so he won't be tied down while he's gone? Have any of you been in a similar situation? I would appreciate any kind of advice, I'm going crazy here. Thank you so much and I'm so sorry for the length!
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    #2
    While it is possible that he doesn't want to be tied down I think he is just overwhelmed with emotions. I would give him some time to sort out his feelings and process them. Choose the amount you want to give him and if things aren't better by then I would drop it completely, you don't deserve to be strung along. Try not to over think the situation and know that there isn't much you can do right now. Make it clear that you are there for him, but start focusing on your own happiness a bit.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Sabrina22LE View Post
    While it is possible that he doesn't want to be tied down I think he is just overwhelmed with emotions. I would give him some time to sort out his feelings and process them. Choose the amount you want to give him and if things aren't better by then I would drop it completely, you don't deserve to be strung along. Try not to over think the situation and know that there isn't much you can do right now. Make it clear that you are there for him, but start focusing on your own happiness a bit.

    DH: Thank you. ME: For what, babe? DH: For being you.




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    #4
    Regardless if he didn't want to be tied down or is over come with emotions what he did showed you a lack of respect by not even saying goodbye.

    As much as it hurts you have to ask yourself the serious questions ...do you want to wait for someone who when the going gets tough he just up and goes with out a word? Do you want to wait for someone with whom you don't know what your future is? Stringing someone along is not right.

    What he did was extremely selfish bottom line. If it were me, I'd close the chapter in this book and start a new one in a different direction as much as it may hurt.
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    I think it's pretty shitty of him to have you come visit and drive 5 hours and then pretty much ignore you almost the whole time and stand you up. I would have been done after that to be honest.
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    #6
    He seems like a selfish ass. He lied to you and disrespected you after your drove 5 hours to be with him? Think about that for a moment. Just that one thing. What does that say about his character? About how little he values you? About what kind of person he is, even as a friend? If he didn't want you to come, then he shouldn't' have been a coward and he should have told you that.

    A lot of guys want to have a girlfriend when it is fairly easy and convenient, but they don't want a partner when it reaches a point where there is more input than output, and it is taking more effort and yielding less fun (and often less sex). Having that SO is fine when it's rainbows and sunshine, but they don't find it worth the effort when they actually have to sacrifice more. Unfortunately, this is pretty common. Deployments often (though not always, certainly) present opportunities to hook up with lots of other people. That can be very attractive, and when their heart really isn't in a relationship, they don't want to give up the chance to live life to the fullest on deployment. Just as a warning, the pattern is often to hit up the old SO once they are home again and the sacrifice part is over and they've sewn their wild oats, and the old relationship starts begin easy again and asking less of them. Be somewhat prepared for that.

    I'm sorry. I'm sure this is painful. But he has very, very clearly shown you who he is and how little value he places on you--even just on your friendship. Listen to what he's told you.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #7
    Im going to make it short : Get out of this quick bc it's not worth it .Hugs !

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