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Thread: Being replaced by the neighbor

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    Confused Being replaced by the neighbor

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    Hi everyone this is my very first time ever doing something like this. Me and my husband have been together for 8 years married almost 1. And what a hell of a year it's been already. My husband rides a motorcycle and he loves it and seeing him enjoy it that much makes me happy. That was until our neighbor got one. The title I've put pretty much speaks for itself, our neighbor is replacing everything that I was besides the legal bond of marriage. I'm happy that my husband has found a friend that lives so close to us that he can go hang out with and vent to and ride his motorcycle with. When they first started hanging out and talking it was for only about 10-15 minutes just long enough to smoke a cigarette and be on their ways, now it's at least an hour at a time and multiple times a day. He's lied to be about hanging out with her, they went to the beach with her mother in law and her the weekend I was away and I found out from one of my other neighbors when I confronted him about it he said he doesn't need to tell me everything he does with everybody. They literally text from sun up until one of them falls asleep when they're not with each other. He spends more hours in a day in a week talking to and hanging out with her than he does me. I see this as a problem but he doesn't, he sees it as me trying to micromanage his life and control him. That's not true at all, one of the very first things he told me about this girl was that she had divorce documents in her hand wanting her husband to sign them and he wouldn't. He's away in Germany and I can understand that she may be lonely but I AM HIS WIFE. I mean is this a problem or is it just me? We've been fighting for almost a week straight multiple times a day, I've threatened to leave I've asked him to chose between me and her and he won't. I need help! I am so hurt and lost and down to my last straw with this situation. I can't take fighting with him anymore I love him to damn much to keep this up. Help please?!
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by jrivera101 View Post
    Hi everyone this is my very first time ever doing something like this. Me and my husband have been together for 8 years married almost 1. And what a hell of a year it's been already. My husband rides a motorcycle and he loves it and seeing him enjoy it that much makes me happy. That was until our neighbor got one. The title I've put pretty much speaks for itself, our neighbor is replacing everything that I was besides the legal bond of marriage. I'm happy that my husband has found a friend that lives so close to us that he can go hang out with and vent to and ride his motorcycle with. When they first started hanging out and talking it was for only about 10-15 minutes just long enough to smoke a cigarette and be on their ways, now it's at least an hour at a time and multiple times a day. He's lied to be about hanging out with her, they went to the beach with her mother in law and her the weekend I was away and I found out from one of my other neighbors when I confronted him about it he said he doesn't need to tell me everything he does with everybody. They literally text from sun up until one of them falls asleep when they're not with each other. He spends more hours in a day in a week talking to and hanging out with her than he does me. I see this as a problem but he doesn't, he sees it as me trying to micromanage his life and control him. That's not true at all, one of the very first things he told me about this girl was that she had divorce documents in her hand wanting her husband to sign them and he wouldn't. He's away in Germany and I can understand that she may be lonely but I AM HIS WIFE. I mean is this a problem or is it just me? We've been fighting for almost a week straight multiple times a day, I've threatened to leave I've asked him to chose between me and her and he won't. I need help! I am so hurt and lost and down to my last straw with this situation. I can't take fighting with him anymore I love him to damn much to keep this up. Help please?!
    Yes what he is doing is a problem. Normally I am not one who has issues with men and women being friends even if one or both parties are married. But he is not treating her like a friend but like a partner.

    You need to quit threatening him with leaving and either do it or stop saying you will. You need to tell him how his current actions are making you feel and what you think. And he needs to understand putting someone else before his wife who he knows has an issue with his actions and behavior with said someone is a bad thing and could very well be the demise of his relationship. And if he doesn't see the problems with that or have any problems with those issues than he does not care about you and your 8 year relationship.

    TL : DR shortcut.....put your foot down, tell him stop or else and follow through.
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    #3
    It doesn't sound like he has much respect for you or your feelings. And that's at a minimum; I wouldn't be surprised if there is some kind of affair.

    When you threatened to leave, was it an empty threat, or did you mean it? I'd likely tell him that the current situation is completely unacceptable and makes me feel utterly disrespected and disregarded, and I can't continue on as things are. The two options would be us getting in to counseling ASAP, or me contacting a lawyer. But I'd only say that if I truly meant it. If you aren't prepared to leave (if he won't do counseling and the follow up with the things your counselor recommends), it seems like you just have to kind of suck it up, because clearly he has no interest in changing. Threatening to leave and then not doing so actually only encourages his behavior because he sees that you aren't going to do anything.
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    #4
    I'll be honest, this sounds like an affair. At the very least an emotional one or an emotional one on the road to becoming physical.

    Since you already told him of your concerns and he doesn't see an issue I might present my case one more time if I was you. Otherwise, I believe you're at the point you'll need to either accept his behavior or form an exit plan. I am so sorry.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by jrivera101 View Post
    Hi everyone this is my very first time ever doing something like this. Me and my husband have been together for 8 years married almost 1. And what a hell of a year it's been already. My husband rides a motorcycle and he loves it and seeing him enjoy it that much makes me happy. That was until our neighbor got one. The title I've put pretty much speaks for itself, our neighbor is replacing everything that I was besides the legal bond of marriage. I'm happy that my husband has found a friend that lives so close to us that he can go hang out with and vent to and ride his motorcycle with. When they first started hanging out and talking it was for only about 10-15 minutes just long enough to smoke a cigarette and be on their ways, now it's at least an hour at a time and multiple times a day. He's lied to be about hanging out with her, they went to the beach with her mother in law and her the weekend I was away and I found out from one of my other neighbors when I confronted him about it he said he doesn't need to tell me everything he does with everybody. They literally text from sun up until one of them falls asleep when they're not with each other. He spends more hours in a day in a week talking to and hanging out with her than he does me. I see this as a problem but he doesn't, he sees it as me trying to micromanage his life and control him. That's not true at all, one of the very first things he told me about this girl was that she had divorce documents in her hand wanting her husband to sign them and he wouldn't. He's away in Germany and I can understand that she may be lonely but I AM HIS WIFE. I mean is this a problem or is it just me? We've been fighting for almost a week straight multiple times a day, I've threatened to leave I've asked him to chose between me and her and he won't. I need help! I am so hurt and lost and down to my last straw with this situation. I can't take fighting with him anymore I love him to damn much to keep this up. Help please?!
    Wow i'm so sorry you're going through this. Up until bolded I was reading it from a devils advocate standpoint, but lying and telling you that he doesn't have a responsibility to divulge who he's spending his time with? WAY out of line. Even if you are wrong and there's nothing going on (and I don't think you are), he should be willing to respect your boundaries the way I assume you respect his concerning other men.

    I would lay down the law and mean it when you say it. No friendship is worth your marriage and if he disagrees, you don't need to be in a situation like that.
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    #6
    I really wanted to be cynical, so I refrained, but really, I agree with the other women.
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    #7
    Oh yikes! Yeah that is definitely completely out of line. I wanted to suggest asking him how he would feel if the tables were turned and that was YOU doing these things with a male "friend" but he would most likely answer that he was okay with that since he wants to continue doing what he is doing. The whole lying part would make me really suspicious that something else was going on because why lie? And he's married to you, of course he needs to be held accountable of his time to some degree. You can't just do whatever you feel like with no regards to your spouses feelings.

    I would lay it all out to him. Tell him if he doesn't cut back his time with her, WAY BACK, you're gone! And prepare to follow through. If you don't want to follow through, don't make the threat, but prepare for things to not change. He doesn't seem to give a hoot about your feelings.

    I'm sorry you are going through this
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    #8
    And you are still hanging around? He is clearly in an emotional affair with this woman and if it hasn't gotten physical yet, it will.

    He is YOUR spouse and he needs to respect your feelings and be truthful with you. If he can't do this, then what is the purpose of your marriage?
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    #9
    I agree with all of the other posters ....... Good luck, but honestly I would be gone long before writing this.
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    #10
    I agree with all the other posts.

    They are acting like school kids. The whole you can't tell me what to do thing. Really? Wow. That's someone that KNOWS he's doing something he shouldn't and doesn't want to be an adult about it. And lying about being with her, again, knows he was in the wrong but doesn't want to own up to it.

    My advise, schedule....make a date with him. Go out, make time to be together, and talk. Keep your cool, even as hard as it may be. Prepare of list of topics you want to talk about so you don't forget. Don't make the list real obvious but just keep it handy so you have it. You need to know and understand where he is, he needs to know and understand where you are, and you both need to know where your marriage and relationship is. Does he really want to toss his family away over a neighbor crush who could vanish once she gets what she wants from HER husband? Make sure you make it clear, because he will most likely get defensive, that you aren't there to attack him, but you need to know where you as his wife stand with YOUR husband.

    Also, seek marriage counseling through the services that are offered.

    And I agree with the others, don't threaten to leave anymore, make it an action. Be it for a weekend, or moving into another room until you can make a bigger move. Separate rooms didn't work for my first husband, it wasn't until house was empty that he finally caved. By then, it was too late, I was done with his abusive ass anyway.

    Decide what you want, be strong, and make it happen. You got this!
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