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Thread: How am I supposed to react?? Feel betrayed, numb, and confused.

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    How am I supposed to react?? Feel betrayed, numb, and confused.

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    Last edited by bambi64; 08-26-2015 at 08:03 PM.
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    Too much here...
    Do I have it right, all this is over your browsing through her facebook?

    How many times did you apologize, try to make things right, etc?
    I ask, because it seems like initially it was not big deal to her, but you made it into a huge deal for her because of your guilt.

    But She could just be stressed right now, or she could be thinking "if she is feeling so much guilt, she must have done something else that she isn't telling me."

    and what do you mean when you say she is not giving you time to heal?
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by bambi64 View Post
    ***my apologies for the bad grammars ahead. LONG STORY

    Starting off, we are a homosexual couple (lesbian) who are both 21 and each others first true love. We've been dating for about 10 months since September 2015. She was the most caring person that I have ever known, and she was the first person who truly believed in me and supported me in every decisions that I've made. When you meet her, she's the most selfless person that you'll know and she's the type to put peoples feelings first instead of hers which resulted in people stepping all over her.. In her last 2 previous relationship, they both broke her heart, and she's been wary about trust ever since. My future plans is set for the next two years, and I know where I want to go in life whereas she made a big decision to enlist as an army reserve (MOS -74D) for the next 6 years for reasons such as family financial troubles, wanted to support herself through school, didn't know what she exactly wanted to do in life, and she wanted to stay here to see me. Let be known that before she made this big decision, she was afraid of me leaving her because I might find someone else, but I have reassured her that it wouldn't happen. I told her over and over so many times that I'm willing to support whatever you do in life whether it's going to be going through reserve or active duty, and that I would be right at the same spot where she left me, faithfully waiting for her. She wanted to get married right before she left, but my gut feeling said no, and I decided to wait it out since I had to finish school and whatnot. We were very much in love, and trusted each other to the point where whenever we found cute people, we would tell each other and giggle about it, or we dealt with our stuff in private by talking everything out before it blows up - we never had any big fights. She came out to her sister, and I came out to my sister, and we both have had a stronger bonds ever since. This relationship was a big deal to us as we see each other as life partners who can conquer through any obstacles in life, and it was our first relationship with gf.

    SO STARTING TO BCT (APRIL-JUNE 12, 2015):
    She shipped out to BCT at Fort Sill. We kept in touch through like 80 mails until end of June. Before she left, she gave me all her log in info to pay for bank, update mail address on fb, etc. She trusted me not to go through with her stuff. End of May, I told her what I did - I was just curious and went through her fb to just randomly browse through her pictures. I saw these 3 pictures of her ex that was from years ago and got jealous. Next time she called, I told her what I did and was upset about it, so she told me to calm down and delete the pictures since he didn't mean anything. That night, I deleted the fb album cause there were so many pictures of them together. Next day, I told my friend what I did (only person I told), and was worried because what I did = cheating. He told me not to worry and she will get over it since we are a power couple. Next day, got a letter saying she was mad at me, but she still loves me more and that we will get through this together because we are a team. Everything was fine until she got to fucking AIT in FOrt Leonard wood.

    AIT - Fort leonard wood (June 12, 2015 - Aug 20th, 2015)
    She was all fine until July 4th (I remember, because she told me happy 10 months). I expressed to her several days before that I wanted to make up for what happened and did everything I could (buying another external harddrive so she knows I didn't touch hers, downloading 2tb of movies and bought a laptop, to have everything sent to her). She told me it's okay, everything will be ok. But later on said "the army is fucking with my head, everythign is hell here, and what you did made it even worse". Week after that, I talked to her on the phone asking why she's avoiding my calls, and that i'm asking for only 5 mins of her time or just a "hi" because I felt like she was ignoring me but understood that she was very busy. She said stop it, i'm busy, drop it. After that, she was distant for 3 weeks, and dropped the fucking bomb on me on July 20th at 5:30AM VIA A FUCKING TEXT that she couldn't trust me anymore because once someone breaks her trust, she can't see me the same anymore. That this relationship didn't work out, but we can still be good friends, blah blah blah. I told her if she's seeing anyone else, and she said it's fraternization, fuck that and you can get kicked out of the army. I told her that she couldn't even call me, so she did and said (I shit you not), "life happens" "shit just happens" "what you did just happens" over and over and over. She couldn't give me any real explanation for the breakup. Just that she felt like she was missing out on some life opportunities, and that "life just happens". she said she didn't love me anymore, at least not in that way and we should remain friend. Next week, she texted me and I obviously ignored and then she said "be my friend, just trust me". Next day, I said we will talk when you get back and that was that. 2 weeks later, I just sent her this funny video, and didn't think she was gonna talk but she did. I told her that we will talk when she gets back three times since the day she broke up with me was before a very big exam (flunked it 29/100), and that I have two more exams left in class and can't afford any more bad grades. She told me that "aww, we can't be friends until I get back?", "be my friend, please don't leave" and then dropped the bomb on me that "I feel like I just don't give a fuck anymore" "I can do whatever the hell I want", "I don't know whats wrong with me, I never thought that I could be the type to mess with people", and specifically "I made out with a random girl. Apparently is talking to two guys even though they know i will always like girls. and thinks i'm starting to have feelings for this girl who is two class below me". Then i just told her "we will talk when you get back". it just hurts that she would hook up so soon and I know people do that as a coping mechanism but still. Whatever the fuck happened you saying no fraternization???

    SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK? She is coming home in 10 days, and I feel like everyone is going to look at her differently if she continues to act this way with the "i don't give a fuck" attitude, and will start losing people in her life. It seriously won't get you that far in life. She's going to be in the RESERVE, with the army base 10 minutes away from where she's living with her family. After the breakup, people are telling me to hookup but I told them I just can't do it because I feel like I will hurt her. I kept thinking that everything that went wrong is my fault (still think that). Others tell me to focus on myself, let her make her own mistake, and she will eventually realized what she did so she will crawl back to me. But it might be she's going through something psychologically and isn't telling me about it. I'm afraid of seeing her as she will drop more bomb on me probably about how she's in a relationship or something something. If she is, then all the power to her of having a long distance relationship with whoever she's with. I still kept my promise that I would be faithful and be waiting for her, and I still am. I'm just confused on what to do or how to react. I owned up to my mistake and told her everything that I did right away. She seemed to forgive me but idk. This is not her, her personality took a turn for the worst, and everything that she's doign right now, is agaisnt everything that she believed in - hooking up or etc. It might be because she's hanging out with stupid people, but she's intelligent. she thought she was going to be mentally strong for BCT and AIT but apparently. I'm talking to some active duty friends and they said yeah, everyone fucks around, and everyone goes through mental changes, but her behavior was just shocking and they never expected it from her. I WANT to help her but she doesn't want my help at the moment and just wants to remain friends. I don't even know what to say to her when she comes back and we meet in person. Seriously, you can't "have your cake and eat it too". She's not giving me time to heal, but we kept our distance since aug 5th (when we last talked). I'm trying to stay positive and act like it's a fresh start when we talk because I want to know the real truth and don't want to ask so much guilt-tripping questions.
    First bolded: What you did was not cheating but it was a serious breach of privacy and trust. You said yourself she gave you her info because she trusted you to not do exactly what you did. Yes you told her you did, but it was still a breach. And than instead of doing what she suggested and delete a few pictures you deleted an entire album because you were jealous of her past and probably has nothing to do with her life now. I don't blame her for being upset. And I bet all was not really ok until she got to AIT. Now that said she said she forgave you and it was good. I don't think it was entirely but I think she might have been trying to get there.

    But yeah the military does mess with your head. But in basic more than in AIT. Something else happened there for her to go off the wall like she did. I have heard from a lot of people one of the things they try to convince you of is that your significant other will fuck you over. So as for the second bolded....yeah in a very tiny way part of it was your fault because (this is all my opinion of course) you just proved them right to her. But again, she said she was ok etc etc. So something else must have happened and unless you left big details out it isn't your fault. Which brings me to the part I underlined. Give her time, give her space. You do you, you worry about you, you take care of you. Let her sort out what the eff is going on with her. Let her know you are there as a friend, you still love her, but she needs worry about herself, take care of herself and than if all is good y'all can see about getting back together.

    Your active duty friends....they are not the kind of people you want messing with your relationship. No, not everyone messes around. That is the biggest crock of shit and what some tell others to excuse jerks who do do that.
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    Last edited by bambi64; 08-26-2015 at 08:04 PM.
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    #6
    I agree with PP, i feel like you need to give her some time and to "cool off". What you did def wasnt cheating but def betrayed her trust. Id be really upset if an entire album was deleted because of a few pics, at the same time she should have deleted those pics to begin with. (Thats just my opinion though)

    Dont let ppl feed you BS and try to make you feel worse. Im a firm believer in whats meant to be will always find a way. Just focus on school right now and let things sort themselves out.

    I hope all works out!
    "She knew she loved him when 'home' went from being a place to being a person."
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    Last edited by bambi64; 08-26-2015 at 08:04 PM.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by bambi64 View Post
    Thank you. I'm just confused on why she would follow the mob mentality and go hook up after the break up?
    Ppl handle stress in different ways, its hard to know exactly . Maybe its not true? She could have just been trying to get a rise out of you since she felt hurt by you. Its best to let it be for now and talk to her in person when she gets home.
    "She knew she loved him when 'home' went from being a place to being a person."
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by bambi64 View Post
    ***my apologies for the bad grammars ahead. LONG STORY

    Starting off, we are a homosexual couple (lesbian) who are both 21 and each others first true love. We've been dating for about 10 months since September 2015. She was the most caring person that I have ever known, and she was the first person who truly believed in me and supported me in every decisions that I've made. When you meet her, she's the most selfless person that you'll know and she's the type to put peoples feelings first instead of hers which resulted in people stepping all over her.. In her last 2 previous relationship, they both broke her heart, and she's been wary about trust ever since. My future plans is set for the next two years, and I know where I want to go in life whereas she made a big decision to enlist as an army reserve (MOS -74D) for the next 6 years for reasons such as family financial troubles, wanted to support herself through school, didn't know what she exactly wanted to do in life, and she wanted to stay here to see me. Let be known that before she made this big decision, she was afraid of me leaving her because I might find someone else, but I have reassured her that it wouldn't happen. I told her over and over so many times that I'm willing to support whatever you do in life whether it's going to be going through reserve or active duty, and that I would be right at the same spot where she left me, faithfully waiting for her. She wanted to get married right before she left, but my gut feeling said no, and I decided to wait it out since I had to finish school and whatnot. We were very much in love, and trusted each other to the point where whenever we found cute people, we would tell each other and giggle about it, or we dealt with our stuff in private by talking everything out before it blows up - we never had any big fights. She came out to her sister, and I came out to my sister, and we both have had a stronger bonds ever since. This relationship was a big deal to us as we see each other as life partners who can conquer through any obstacles in life, and it was our first relationship with gf.

    SO STARTING TO BCT (APRIL-JUNE 12, 2015):
    She shipped out to BCT at Fort Sill. We kept in touch through like 80 mails until end of June. Before she left, she gave me all her log in info to pay for bank, update mail address on fb, etc. She trusted me not to go through with her stuff. End of May, I told her what I did - I was just curious and went through her fb to just randomly browse through her pictures. I saw these 3 pictures of her ex that was from years ago and got jealous. Next time she called, I told her what I did and was upset about it, so she told me to calm down and delete the pictures since he didn't mean anything. That night, I deleted the fb album cause there were so many pictures of them together. Next day, I told my friend what I did (only person I told), and was worried because what I did = cheating. He told me not to worry and she will get over it since we are a power couple. Next day, got a letter saying she was mad at me, but she still loves me more and that we will get through this together because we are a team. Everything was fine until she got to fucking AIT in FOrt Leonard wood.

    AIT - Fort leonard wood (June 12, 2015 - Aug 20th, 2015)
    She was all fine until July 4th (I remember, because she told me happy 10 months). I expressed to her several days before that I wanted to make up for what happened and did everything I could (buying another external harddrive so she knows I didn't touch hers, downloading 2tb of movies and bought a laptop, to have everything sent to her). She told me it's okay, everything will be ok. But later on said "the army is fucking with my head, everythign is hell here, and what you did made it even worse". Week after that, I talked to her on the phone asking why she's avoiding my calls, and that i'm asking for only 5 mins of her time or just a "hi" because I felt like she was ignoring me but understood that she was very busy. She said stop it, i'm busy, drop it. After that, she was distant for 3 weeks, and dropped the fucking bomb on me on July 20th at 5:30AM VIA A FUCKING TEXT that she couldn't trust me anymore because once someone breaks her trust, she can't see me the same anymore. That this relationship didn't work out, but we can still be good friends, blah blah blah. I told her if she's seeing anyone else, and she said it's fraternization, fuck that and you can get kicked out of the army. I told her that she couldn't even call me, so she did and said (I shit you not), "life happens" "shit just happens" "what you did just happens" over and over and over. She couldn't give me any real explanation for the breakup. Just that she felt like she was missing out on some life opportunities, and that "life just happens". she said she didn't love me anymore, at least not in that way and we should remain friend. Next week, she texted me and I obviously ignored and then she said "be my friend, just trust me". Next day, I said we will talk when you get back and that was that. 2 weeks later, I just sent her this funny video, and didn't think she was gonna talk but she did. I told her that we will talk when she gets back three times since the day she broke up with me was before a very big exam (flunked it 29/100), and that I have two more exams left in class and can't afford any more bad grades. She told me that "aww, we can't be friends until I get back?", "be my friend, please don't leave" and then dropped the bomb on me that "I feel like I just don't give a fuck anymore" "I can do whatever the hell I want", "I don't know whats wrong with me, I never thought that I could be the type to mess with people", and specifically "I made out with a random girl. Apparently is talking to two guys even though they know i will always like girls. and thinks i'm starting to have feelings for this girl who is two class below me". Then i just told her "we will talk when you get back". it just hurts that she would hook up so soon and I know people do that as a coping mechanism but still. Whatever the fuck happened you saying no fraternization???

    SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK? She is coming home in 10 days, and I feel like everyone is going to look at her differently if she continues to act this way with the "i don't give a fuck" attitude, and will start losing people in her life. It seriously won't get you that far in life. She's going to be in the RESERVE, with the army base 10 minutes away from where she's living with her family. After the breakup, people are telling me to hookup but I told them I just can't do it because I feel like I will hurt her. I kept thinking that everything that went wrong is my fault (still think that). Others tell me to focus on myself, let her make her own mistake, and she will eventually realized what she did so she will crawl back to me. But it might be she's going through something psychologically and isn't telling me about it. I'm afraid of seeing her as she will drop more bomb on me probably about how she's in a relationship or something something. If she is, then all the power to her of having a long distance relationship with whoever she's with. I still kept my promise that I would be faithful and be waiting for her, and I still am. I'm just confused on what to do or how to react. I owned up to my mistake and told her everything that I did right away. She seemed to forgive me but idk. This is not her, her personality took a turn for the worst, and everything that she's doign right now, is agaisnt everything that she believed in - hooking up or etc. It might be because she's hanging out with stupid people, but she's intelligent. she thought she was going to be mentally strong for BCT and AIT but apparently. I'm talking to some active duty friends and they said yeah, everyone fucks around, and everyone goes through mental changes, but her behavior was just shocking and they never expected it from her. I WANT to help her but she doesn't want my help at the moment and just wants to remain friends. I don't even know what to say to her when she comes back and we meet in person. Seriously, you can't "have your cake and eat it too". She's not giving me time to heal, but we kept our distance since aug 5th (when we last talked). I'm trying to stay positive and act like it's a fresh start when we talk because I want to know the real truth and don't want to ask so much guilt-tripping questions.

    I can definitely understand her being upset at you for looking through her Facebook. For some people, when they feel like you don't trust them, they think it's because you're untrustworthy. For example, people who cheat always seem to think they're partner is capable of cheating on them. They figure like attracts like. Anyway, that might be the cause for some of her discomfort with being together. She may also be further irritated that you want to only talk about it in person. I prefer to talk about serious subjects in person, but some people just don't like that. I do, however, think this is disproportionate.

    I know the right thing might seem like jumping right back into this relationship, but if a combination of this and something else that you're not sure of is going on to make her think you need to be just friends for a while, that might not be such a bad idea. If she's messing around with other people and telling you about it, knowing it will hurt you, you might not want to stay in that situation. It takes 2 to fix a relationship.
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    Last edited by bambi64; 08-26-2015 at 08:05 PM.
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