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Thread: Cheating DB

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    #1

    Cheating DB

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    Hey everyone,

    I had been dating DB for 6 months when he told me he decided to join the Marine Corps. I was initially very shocked and apprehensive, and went through the gamut of emotions that I imagine anyone else would if they were in a similar situation (e.g. I've never been familiar with the military, we're gay, DB's never even shot a gun before [is that normal for someone entering the military?], and he never mentioned any of this to me until he had already signed the preliminary papers, nor said anything to his parents about it until he was already committed). Over the next several months, he jumped back and forth between branches and job opportunities, and when he received very high ASVAB scores, his recruiters kept pushing him to reach for the stars in terms of special forces, etc.

    Once these possibilities were open to him, he felt committed to OCS with the Marines, then changed his mind and decided to be a fighter pilot with the Air Force, then an Air Force JAG, then did the paperwork to go back to the Army to be a base healthcare provider, then decided on being an Airborne Infantry Ranger, where he has finally landed (again, am I crazy for wondering why he's decided this having never shot a gun before?). All this was in the space of a few months, and again, he never approached me about these decisions until he had already begun all the paperwork. I didn't know what much of it meant, and frankly still don't, but through all of this I learned to support him or at least trust that, despite how indecisive and polarizingly impulsive he seemed to be, maybe this was normal and I just had to hold on.

    Then a couple of months ago it came to light that after we had been dating for one month, he began cheating on me, and continued this behavior on and off for the next seven months. There were at least four other guys whom he cheated on me with during that time period, some on multiple occasions - he even continued after I had confronted him about some red flags I noticed. I'm glad that I found this out and put an end to our relationship. But he has been very apologetic, saying he never meant to hurt me and he was just being stupid. At one point he made the shocking statement that he would leave the military for me if that would make me feel better. I thought he would be thrown in jail for backing out now, because his first date to ship out to basic training is this coming May, but he assured me that there is no consequence for simply not showing up. (Is that really true?) Of course, the military had no direct part in his infidelity, so the statement did little to persuade me not to leave him.

    But because I genuinely care for him, I am worried about what this might mean for his future. He is a very impulsive person, and as I've illustrated, makes huge personal and vocational decisions without appearing to think through their consequences all the way or consulting the people in his life. He has described himself to me as "a loose cannon" and "adventure-seeker" who "hates being tied down." I'm wondering if any of you in this community have experience with something like this. Have you ever had a military SO cheat on you, either outside of a military environment or while deployed, etc.? Could these personal events and/or his personality traits possibly correlate in any way with his future military service? Would he be a danger to his fellow soldiers, or does he "need" a structured environment like the military to "whip him into shape?" Is the military a good outlet for these traits? Should I even be thinking about him/this? We haven't spoken in a week and I don't really having any intention of sharing this thread with him, unless there's something everybody thinks he needs to see/read/know. Part of the reason I'm so confused and worried is that he's such a smart, professional, well-put-together person. But behind this he was able to hide sooo much from me. I'm not sure which part is real or more dominant in him. Sorry for the long post, but I would welcome any of your responses. Also, please try to take it easy on me - I'm a fish out of water here so if I made a false assumption or said something inappropriate please understand and be kind! Thank you!
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by chaser2013 View Post
    Hey everyone,

    I had been dating DB for 6 months when he told me he decided to join the Marine Corps. I was initially very shocked and apprehensive, and went through the gamut of emotions that I imagine anyone else would if they were in a similar situation (e.g. I've never been familiar with the military, we're gay, DB's never even shot a gun before [is that normal for someone entering the military?], and he never mentioned any of this to me until he had already signed the preliminary papers, nor said anything to his parents about it until he was already committed). Over the next several months, he jumped back and forth between branches and job opportunities, and when he received very high ASVAB scores, his recruiters kept pushing him to reach for the stars in terms of special forces, etc.

    Once these possibilities were open to him, he felt committed to OCS with the Marines, then changed his mind and decided to be a fighter pilot with the Air Force, then an Air Force JAG, then did the paperwork to go back to the Army to be a base healthcare provider, then decided on being an Airborne Infantry Ranger, where he has finally landed (again, am I crazy for wondering why he's decided this having never shot a gun before?). All this was in the space of a few months, and again, he never approached me about these decisions until he had already begun all the paperwork. I didn't know what much of it meant, and frankly still don't, but through all of this I learned to support him or at least trust that, despite how indecisive and polarizingly impulsive he seemed to be, maybe this was normal and I just had to hold on.

    Then a couple of months ago it came to light that after we had been dating for one month, he began cheating on me, and continued this behavior on and off for the next seven months. There were at least four other guys whom he cheated on me with during that time period, some on multiple occasions - he even continued after I had confronted him about some red flags I noticed. I'm glad that I found this out and put an end to our relationship. But he has been very apologetic, saying he never meant to hurt me and he was just being stupid. At one point he made the shocking statement that he would leave the military for me if that would make me feel better. I thought he would be thrown in jail for backing out now, because his first date to ship out to basic training is this coming May, but he assured me that there is no consequence for simply not showing up. (Is that really true?) Of course, the military had no direct part in his infidelity, so the statement did little to persuade me not to leave him.

    But because I genuinely care for him, I am worried about what this might mean for his future. He is a very impulsive person, and as I've illustrated, makes huge personal and vocational decisions without appearing to think through their consequences all the way or consulting the people in his life. He has described himself to me as "a loose cannon" and "adventure-seeker" who "hates being tied down." I'm wondering if any of you in this community have experience with something like this. Have you ever had a military SO cheat on you, either outside of a military environment or while deployed, etc.? Could these personal events and/or his personality traits possibly correlate in any way with his future military service? Would he be a danger to his fellow soldiers, or does he "need" a structured environment like the military to "whip him into shape?" Is the military a good outlet for these traits? Should I even be thinking about him/this? We haven't spoken in a week and I don't really having any intention of sharing this thread with him, unless there's something everybody thinks he needs to see/read/know. Part of the reason I'm so confused and worried is that he's such a smart, professional, well-put-together person. But behind this he was able to hide sooo much from me. I'm not sure which part is real or more dominant in him. Sorry for the long post, but I would welcome any of your responses. Also, please try to take it easy on me - I'm a fish out of water here so if I made a false assumption or said something inappropriate please understand and be kind! Thank you!
    So I'm going to be super blunt...

    OP, since you began posting here, it was very apparent (to me at least) that you are very skeptical of the military, it's training methods, and what it means to be a military member. That right there is enough reason as to why this relationship would probably not be the right fit for you.

    To answer some of your questions: No it's not that weird that he's never fired a weapon-- they will teach him. You say he ships this coming May. So do you mean May 2016? It sounds like he is currently in the DEP and has not enlisted yet because he has not left for boot camp... correct? If he has not joined yet, the yes, he can back out. BUT, he will royally fuck over his recruiter and the recruiter's station. Oh, and don't think they won't put up a strong fight to try to convince him to stay. But yeah, he could still back out.

    I feel you have a very skewed view of the military. The military does not magically create cheaters. If a person wanted to cheat, then they would do so... It's that simple. Plus, it sounds like your SO is not even in the military yet. If you are wondering if he'll cheat while he's away, yes he probably will. He's done it your entire relationship and he'll have more opportunities to do so in the future when you're separated. It is very likely he will not be stationed near you-- probably not even in the same state. So, do you trust him enough to give him his space or will you be worrying every second you don't hear from him?

    But here's what blows my mind: the man has been cheating on you since the FIRST MONTH... with multiple people. What is there worth holding onto at this moment? So if he gives up a career in the military for you, then what? All your issues of trust and infidelity will still be there...




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    #3
    Thanks for your reply! I have had sort of a visceral reaction to all this military stuff since the beginning, so as I said, I'm glad these things came to light so that I could break it off before it got to the down and dirty of it and then realize that I couldn't handle it. I should make it clear that we are not together and I have no intention of getting back with him. Trust me, I'm appalled. You're absolutely right that there's nothing about him worth holding onto. He was a liar and cheater far before he even got the idea to join so I also agree that the military doesn't create this type of person. I apologize if it came across that way that I believed that. My concern I guess is what does the military do for that type of person? I think, especially in his case, cheating was the result of deeper self-control, impulse-control, decision-making, and invincibility complex issues. He even admitted that. That doesn't excuse his actions in the slightest but it explains them. I mean those are all things that a good soldier needs to keep in check right? I know it's not this simple, but will he learn how to do that or will he screw himself and others over? That's probably a question nobody knows the answer to but it's one I'm wrestling with :/

    As for the DEP thing, that may be what it is. He's got his ship date in May 2016, but I guess they're all waiting until he finishes his bachelor's degree.
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    Quote Originally Posted by chaser2013 View Post
    Thanks for your reply! I have had sort of a visceral reaction to all this military stuff since the beginning, so as I said, I'm glad these things came to light so that I could break it off before it got to the down and dirty of it and then realize that I couldn't handle it. I should make it clear that we are not together and I have no intention of getting back with him. Trust me, I'm appalled. You're absolutely right that there's nothing about him worth holding onto. He was a liar and cheater far before he even got the idea to join so I also agree that the military doesn't create this type of person. I apologize if it came across that way that I believed that. My concern I guess is what does the military do for that type of person? I think, especially in his case, cheating was the result of deeper self-control, impulse-control, decision-making, and invincibility complex issues. He even admitted that. That doesn't excuse his actions in the slightest but it explains them. I mean those are all things that a good soldier needs to keep in check right? I know it's not this simple, but will he learn how to do that or will he screw himself and others over? That's probably a question nobody knows the answer to but it's one I'm wrestling with :/

    As for the DEP thing, that may be what it is. He's got his ship date in May 2016, but I guess they're all waiting until he finishes his bachelor's degree.
    If you have no interest in getting back with him, then what he does with his career and who he may or may not screw over should be none of your concern. You cannot worry about him because you're not together anymore. In these situations it's best to have a clean break.

    Again, I think your veiw of military members is a little distorted. They are human-- not robots. They make the same mistakes a civilian would. Plenty of guys cheat and then go do their job the next day. It like that in the real world too

    I know you're looking for an explanation. But, the fact of the matter is, he made a choice to cheat. You've made the choice not to take him back. Now it's time for you to work on moving on with your life.




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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by idratherbehiking View Post
    If you have no interest in getting back with him, then what he does with his career and who he may or may not screw over should be none of your concern. You cannot worry about him because you're not together anymore. In these situations it's best to have a clean break.

    Again, I think your veiw of military members is a little distorted. They are human-- not robots. They make the same mistakes a civilian would. Plenty of guys cheat and then go do their job the next day. It like that in the real world too

    I know you're looking for an explanation. But, the fact of the matter is, he made a choice to cheat. You've made the choice not to take him back. Now it's time for you to work on moving on with your life.
    All of this. But especially the bolded.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by idratherbehiking View Post
    If you have no interest in getting back with him, then what he does with his career and who he may or may not screw over should be none of your concern. You cannot worry about him because you're not together anymore. In these situations it's best to have a clean break.

    Again, I think your veiw of military members is a little distorted. They are human-- not robots. They make the same mistakes a civilian would. Plenty of guys cheat and then go do their job the next day. It like that in the real world too

    I know you're looking for an explanation. But, the fact of the matter is, he made a choice to cheat. You've made the choice not to take him back. Now it's time for you to work on moving on with your life.
    "She knew she loved him when 'home' went from being a place to being a person."
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    Quote Originally Posted by idratherbehiking View Post
    If you have no interest in getting back with him, then what he does with his career and who he may or may not screw over should be none of your concern. You cannot worry about him because you're not together anymore. In these situations it's best to have a clean break.

    Again, I think your veiw of military members is a little distorted. They are human-- not robots. They make the same mistakes a civilian would. Plenty of guys cheat and then go do their job the next day. It like that in the real world too

    I know you're looking for an explanation. But, the fact of the matter is, he made a choice to cheat. You've made the choice not to take him back. Now it's time for you to work on moving on with your life.
    Yes, Yes, YES!

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    #9
    He may not have mentioned joining bc he didn't want anyone holding him back or changing his mind about joining. Ultimately it is his life and his career choice. If you are no longer together though you shouldn't be so concerned about his life.
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    #10
    I just want to say, you broke up with him for a reason. A damn good valid reason. I say stay apart and if you want and can be a friend just do that. There is no way in hell I could ever willing be with someone I know started cheating on me after we had been together a month and did it many times after that. I can not encourage someone to stay with their partner who did that to them. Have enough love for yourself to get out of a bad relationship and find someone who will love you. Who will not want or need anyone else because you are enough for them.
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