Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Results 1 to 9 of 9

Thread: When to say its over?

  1. Fresh Newbie
    Renee13's Avatar
    Renee13 is offline
    Fresh Newbie
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    1
    #1

    When to say its over?

    Advertisements
    I'm in my bed on the laptop because I can't stand being in the same room with my husband. He got out of the Marine Corps last year, and seemed fine until we moved three months later. We had a great time exploring our new home and trying new things and then all of a sudden things got really bad. He had suicidal tendencies, pulled away from me and became someone I no longer recognize. I used to say I would never leave him, but now its sounding better and better. I still care about him but I'm not sure if I love him anymore. The man I married was responsible, reliable, adventurous, active. We used to play sports together, go kayaking, fishing and besides running errands or keeping appointments at the VA hospital he doesn't leave the house. All he does is play video games on his computer. Hygiene has gone out the window. I'm not only upset that he won't get a job but he also won't take the steps to heal and get better. He won't fill out applications for therapy programs, won't open up to the counselor he is seeing, quit his PTSD service dog program.

    I hate to say this outside of my own head, but I don't feel happy when I am with him. He feels like he is holding me down. After he got out he was supposed to get a job so I could finish school (I left school to be with him while he was on active duty). I'm not so sure I'll be able to do that because I can't hold a full-time job while being a full-time student.

    I've had to separate my life from him these past few months to maintain sanity. I no longer plan to have him join me when I go on runs, do art classes, concerts. I've had my hopes up too many times. He used to tell me his dream is to live in a cabin in the middle of nowhere to be away from people.... does that include me too?

    Will things ever return to how they were? Am I wasting my years here hoping things will improve?
  2. Senior Member
    Heisenberg's Avatar
    Heisenberg is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    South Florida
    Posts
    16,413
    #2
    I think this depends on a lot of things. How long has this been going on? How long have you been together? How old are you both? Do YOU think he can go back to how he was?

    Obviously something needs to be done here, and if he's completely unwilling to improve himself then go ahead and leave. Why waste more time when he isn't holding up his end of the deal? But at the same time, if this is a really long relationship and you know that this isn't *him* he might just be down and need you to hold him up. Getting out of the military can be difficult. It's a major lifestyle change, a lot of people don't handle it well. That isn't an excuse, but it could be a factor.

    Idk. The answer lies with you. But you need to make him aware that this is a major problem for you and he needs to put more effort into this if he wants you with him. You can't be the only person pulling your weight forever, marriage doesn't work like that. He needs you right now, fine. But there has to be an end in sight.
  3. Senior Member
    bars_and_bodegas's Avatar
    bars_and_bodegas is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    384
    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Renee13 View Post
    I'm in my bed on the laptop because I can't stand being in the same room with my husband. He got out of the Marine Corps last year, and seemed fine until we moved three months later. We had a great time exploring our new home and trying new things and then all of a sudden things got really bad. He had suicidal tendencies, pulled away from me and became someone I no longer recognize. I used to say I would never leave him, but now its sounding better and better. I still care about him but I'm not sure if I love him anymore. The man I married was responsible, reliable, adventurous, active. We used to play sports together, go kayaking, fishing and besides running errands or keeping appointments at the VA hospital he doesn't leave the house. All he does is play video games on his computer. Hygiene has gone out the window. I'm not only upset that he won't get a job but he also won't take the steps to heal and get better. He won't fill out applications for therapy programs, won't open up to the counselor he is seeing, quit his PTSD service dog program.

    I hate to say this outside of my own head, but I don't feel happy when I am with him. He feels like he is holding me down. After he got out he was supposed to get a job so I could finish school (I left school to be with him while he was on active duty). I'm not so sure I'll be able to do that because I can't hold a full-time job while being a full-time student.

    I've had to separate my life from him these past few months to maintain sanity. I no longer plan to have him join me when I go on runs, do art classes, concerts. I've had my hopes up too many times. He used to tell me his dream is to live in a cabin in the middle of nowhere to be away from people.... does that include me too?

    Will things ever return to how they were? Am I wasting my years here hoping things will improve?
    Personally, if I were in your situation, I would see it as my duty to make my husband get help. Whether he was on board or not. If my husband had suicidal tendencies, I would have him baker-acted. If I had to force his hand to get help, I know he'd thank me when "things return[ed] to how they were".

    From what I'm understanding, your husband has PTSD (you mentioned a PTSD service dog program). That's a mental illness that many people eventually learn to cope with. I know that I took a vow to love and stand by my husband, in sickness and in health. I would never just up and leave my husband because things got rough. But, that's just me.

    I hope things work out for you, OP.

  4. Senior Member
    villanelle's Avatar
    villanelle is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    14,790
    #4
    If he has active suicidal ideations, get him committed. If he just occasionally mentions suicide in an abstract way, you probably can't do that.

    I would probably give it at least a year of me actively trying to get him to give therapy a true, full effort. Being sick is horrible and I wouldn't leave someone for that. I would, however, eventually leave if he wasn't willing to try everything possible to get better. I do understand that hesitance to get help can be a symptom of the disease, so it is hard to draw a firm line. But for me, that would be the line none the less. I'd let him know, in a loving and concerned way, that not only is his sick, but our marriage is sick too, and that I need him to commit to the counseling and follow through on other therapy opportunities not only for himself, but for us. (I think this is a nice way of letting him know that there is a threat to the marriage, without tossing out an ultimatum that might make him even more depressed.) I'd lay off of the work and other stuff for now and focus on getting him better, assuming that if that happens, the other stuff will follow.

    If, after about a year, he wasn't doing those things, I would have to leave to protect myself. If he chooses to destroy himself, that's awful but there's not much else you can do, other than prevent it from destroying you as well.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
  5. Senior Member
    CDNTrish's Avatar
    CDNTrish is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    6,437
    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by bars_and_bodegas View Post
    Personally, if I were in your situation, I would see it as my duty to make my husband get help. Whether he was on board or not. If my husband had suicidal tendencies, I would have him baker-acted. If I had to force his hand to get help, I know he'd thank me when "things return[ed] to how they were".

    From what I'm understanding, your husband has PTSD (you mentioned a PTSD service dog program). That's a mental illness that many people eventually learn to cope with. I know that I took a vow to love and stand by my husband, in sickness and in health. I would never just up and leave my husband because things got rough. But, that's just me.

    I hope things work out for you, OP.
    What a condescending bitchy thing to say. OP clearly indicated that she has tried to help her husband, and he is refusing help. There is only so much one can do, and one can tolerate before you start putting your needs (and desires) before someone else's.

    Like Villanelle said, I would give it some more serious effort, but at a certain point, you need to walk away, and there is no shame in that.
  6. MilitarySOS Jewel
    Anthiea's Avatar
    Anthiea is offline
    MilitarySOS Jewel
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Germany
    Posts
    5,774
    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    If he has active suicidal ideations, get him committed. If he just occasionally mentions suicide in an abstract way, you probably can't do that.

    I would probably give it at least a year of me actively trying to get him to give therapy a true, full effort. Being sick is horrible and I wouldn't leave someone for that. I would, however, eventually leave if he wasn't willing to try everything possible to get better. I do understand that hesitance to get help can be a symptom of the disease, so it is hard to draw a firm line. But for me, that would be the line none the less. I'd let him know, in a loving and concerned way, that not only is his sick, but our marriage is sick too, and that I need him to commit to the counseling and follow through on other therapy opportunities not only for himself, but for us. (I think this is a nice way of letting him know that there is a threat to the marriage, without tossing out an ultimatum that might make him even more depressed.) I'd lay off of the work and other stuff for now and focus on getting him better, assuming that if that happens, the other stuff will follow.

    If, after about a year, he wasn't doing those things, I would have to leave to protect myself. If he chooses to destroy himself, that's awful but there's not much else you can do, other than prevent it from destroying you as well.

    ~Art Page~
    Germy = wifey
  7. No longer seeing where it goes, I'm in the driver's seat.
    AmandaA's Avatar
    AmandaA is offline
    No longer seeing where it goes, I'm in the driver's seat.
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Indiana
    Posts
    9,822
    Blog Entries
    15
    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    If he has active suicidal ideations, get him committed. If he just occasionally mentions suicide in an abstract way, you probably can't do that.

    I would probably give it at least a year of me actively trying to get him to give therapy a true, full effort. Being sick is horrible and I wouldn't leave someone for that. I would, however, eventually leave if he wasn't willing to try everything possible to get better. I do understand that hesitance to get help can be a symptom of the disease, so it is hard to draw a firm line. But for me, that would be the line none the less. I'd let him know, in a loving and concerned way, that not only is his sick, but our marriage is sick too, and that I need him to commit to the counseling and follow through on other therapy opportunities not only for himself, but for us. (I think this is a nice way of letting him know that there is a threat to the marriage, without tossing out an ultimatum that might make him even more depressed.) I'd lay off of the work and other stuff for now and focus on getting him better, assuming that if that happens, the other stuff will follow.

    If, after about a year, he wasn't doing those things, I would have to leave to protect myself. If he chooses to destroy himself, that's awful but there's not much else you can do, other than prevent it from destroying you as well.
    I was left by my now ex when I needed him the most. I was actively getting help, but it took me some time to get there. It is scary to 1) admit that you're not ok 2) get that help. There is still a lot of stigma attached to the mental health issues. Finding a good counselor that you "click" with can be hard for some.

    You need to talk to him. Don't leave him in the dark, when I was at my worst I sincerely didn't know there was a problem. I had a feeling there maybe, but when you're that bad you don't always trust those feelings.
  8. Senior Member
    Heisenberg's Avatar
    Heisenberg is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    South Florida
    Posts
    16,413
    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by CDNTrish View Post
    What a condescending bitchy thing to say. OP clearly indicated that she has tried to help her husband, and he is refusing help. There is only so much one can do, and one can tolerate before you start putting your needs (and desires) before someone else's.

    Like Villanelle said, I would give it some more serious effort, but at a certain point, you need to walk away, and there is no shame in that.
    This tbh. I wasn't going to say anything but I'm honestly really offended by that, as somebody who just left her husband. Mine has mental health issues too but after four years of being the only one putting any effort into this at all, it's my turn to come first. Everybody has a breaking point and there's nothing wrong with that.
    Last edited by Heisenberg; 05-05-2015 at 07:30 AM.
  9. 1/2 hippie, 1/2 diva... all Jersey
    sweetvanity's Avatar
    sweetvanity is offline
    1/2 hippie, 1/2 diva... all Jersey
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    9,370
    #9
    OP -- it sounds like your husband is in a pretty deep depression. As much as you don't recognize him, he probably doesn't recognize himself. If his identity was wrapped up in being a Marine, then getting out AND moving away from that culture can be extremely alienating. It's possible he's essentially lost his purpose-- and that is a devastating thing.

    So here's what I would suggest you do. Let him know you're concerned and that you want to help him get help. If you feel like you can do so-- pick a time when he's more calm and ask him very gently how serious he is when he mentions suicide. Does he actually want to die or does he just want to feel better? A lot of times it's the latter. In fact, when I do assessments for suicidality I would say upwards of 95% of people don't actually want to die, they're just beyond the point of hopelessness and figure its the only answer. Try to collaborate to get him help. Tell him all the things you used to do together and how much you miss them-- and specifically doing them with him. Let him know you understand that it's been hard for him to do those things... but that eventually, you hope you'll be able to support him so he can get back to doing those things too-- not just for your sake, but because he seemed happier doing those things as well.

    If he makes any more passive suicidal comments, you can call his counselor at the VA. She can't admit to knowing him due to HIPPA w/o a release, but YOU can say whatever you want.

    Lastly, I would strongly recommend you seek out your own therapy to give you a safe space to vent out and explore your thoughts/feelings and weigh/balance plans with someone who is just far enough removed from the situation to offer a less biased view than say a friend or family member. You can also check with the VA to see if they have any support groups for spouses.

    Best of luck to you, OP. I hope your husband gets the help he needs.

    www.SnarkyFit.com

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •